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Starting over with parent who hasn't been around for years? Sincere

  1. peeples profile image89
    peeplesposted 4 years ago

    I'm attempting to rebuild a relationship with my mother. She chose my father over me 13 years ago when I was placed in foster care. He is now sick and will hopefully die soon and she has made a great attempt to be back in my life. She currently lives 3 hours away and I have only seen her once. We do speak via email and facebook though. She wants to come live with me after my father passes away. We have the room for her but I don't know how to deal with her when she has never admitted any faults on her or my father's side. She is slightly mentally handicap and is physically starting to fall apart with 2 heart surgeries already and she is only 49. What would you do? Are there ways of making this type of transition easier? I went 12 years without seeing her, she doesn't even really know me. I'm confused as to the correct way of dealing with this. Any advice?

    1. Express10 profile image87
      Express10posted 4 years ago in reply to this

      I understand your difficult choice, but would not recommend that your mother live with you. She is a grown adult as you are. Mixing your lives within the same household while trying to rebuild a relationship is going to be asking for trouble as you are both still getting to know one another. Perhaps she could move into an assisted living or roomate situation but you should not be putting opening yourself up for a big letdown.

      Even if you can get along, there will be things that you do around the house that she won't like and vice versa. It is possible that she might try to take on the "motherly" role and tell you what to do in YOUR home.

      My own mother is just 59 and has had four open heart surgeries and is on a waiting list for a heart transplant. She abused me physically and verbally as a child and due to her physical and verbal abuse as recently as 2006, I refuse to have any further interaction with her.

      You made a TELLING comment. She doesn't even really know you. There is no "correct" way of dealing with this. Just be honest and say that you have built a life for yourself that would be changed for the long term and possibly forever if you were to allow her to come and live with you. Tell her that you cannot do this to yourself and those that you know and love. By the way, what do they think of this?

      Your mother is a grown woman and she made a choice years ago. She must make the correct choice now and find her own place to live if she wants to rebuild a relationship with you. To move in with you without knowing you is not a good decision. All my best wishes go out to you.

      1. peeples profile image89
        peeplesposted 4 years ago in reply to this

        Thanks for the reply. Several good points. I wanted to bring her up here and let her stay with me until we could find her a placement. She has never really had to care for herself. My husband will support whichever I choose but I know deep down he doesn't want her here. Thanks again for your time.

    2. EmpressFelicity profile image83
      EmpressFelicityposted 4 years ago in reply to this

      "He is now sick and will hopefully die soon"? Maybe I'm reading too much into that sentence but to me it says a lot about your relationship with your dad - he must have been a less-than-ideal parent, to say the least.

      I am no stranger to family dysfunction myself. Let's just say I will always be grateful to my mother (now dead, sadly) for having the courage to choose me - a reversal of your situation. Which makes me wonder what will happen if you agree to let your mother move in with you - will you eventually come to resent her for abandoning you in the first place and only getting back in touch because she's lonely/too sick to cope on her own?

      It sounds like a good compromise might be for her to move nearer to you, but have her own place, and for you to set strict boundaries about how often you see each other, at least to begin with. Then at least you can get to know each other gradually. I dunno what I'd do in your situation though.

  2. 0
    klarawieckposted 4 years ago

    Watch out. Sounds like she has a codependency problem, and now that your father won't be around, she's looking for someone else she can codepend on. It's a very sensitive issue and you must look at all the pros and cons. In any case, start doing some reading on codependency and see if you notice any red flags in her behavior.
    Good luck.