The Mind of a Sexually Abused Child

She ran as fast as her legs would allow her, all the way back into the arms of her mother, who was summoning litter for dinner was ready. She went straight into her room and sat on her bed. Her mind was blank. Nothing going in or out.

She feel back unto the bed lying there, she stared at the ceiling. The ceiling looked good. It was calming. These were the thoughts in her head. 'I wonder how the make ceilings?' she pondered. Turning now so she lied facing the window, her left side exposed to the gentle breeze that tickled the curtains. She rubbed her nose into her Star Wars sheets.

'What was that?' 'What just happened?' 'What do I do?' She knew it was not right...but she didn't know just what it was...age wise let's say between 5-6. What she didn't anticipate was that it would change...not in an obvious way but subtly and gradually so.

The events were now playing over and over in her mind. She was swimming with her sister, in the shallow bit of course with an older cousin she trusted. He was well into his teens verging on 18, she didn't know this, as far a she was concerned he was older...much!

She dived down into the water, always keen on showing off her water baby skills and on her way up sees him kiss her little sister. WEIRD! 'What you doing that for?' she wants to know. He tells her don't be jealous and gives her one. She doesn't like this. She feels weird, odd. Her tummy's going crazy. She tells her sister they should swim away from him.

He instead creates a new game little sis wants to play. I Spy. While lil sis is spying she turns away from them. He turns to face his unsuspecting prey. She turns away to watch her baby sis spy when she feels something hard in her hand. He put something in her hand. Her right hand. She knows know it was his penis. Not then so she screamed he laughed. Her sister wants to know what's the fuss, she makes up something about a crab. She tries to get her sister away from him and succeeds.

Time seems at a stand still. The breeze seemed to stop. Suddenly she's swept under the water. She opens her eyes and sees his face. He puts his mouth against hers. She's pulling away but he's got a firm grip, she needs to let go, she needs air. Her legs touches something, looking down, she sees the thing he put in her hand...he's trying to get it inside her. She's fighting him off but can't really do much. She can feel it pushing hard, hurting, trying to find a way in. Her bathing suit's her saviour. it won't let him get what he wants.

BEEEEEEEP! The horn of her dad's jeep. He let's her go and she floats up, gasping for air.

'Time to get out' she manages to hear her dad say. No matter she was already halfway up the hill... running as fast as her legs would carry her back into the arms of her mother.

As the final seconds of it plays out and she legging it back to the room, she clenches her fists and opens her eyes...he was being weird with her all week. Like on the farm teaching her about sex and making the animals do 'stuff' to each other, and asking her to touch his 'thing'.

Odd....Very!

That's all she sees it as, odd, weird and decidedly wrong, she wants to tell her mom but any word of t to her and dad and her cousin's dead. Funny right?! She knew it was wrong but didn't know what it was, yet knew enough to know her dad would easily and without regret commit murder over it.

She sighs, jumps off the bed and looks at the massive wet spot she created...mother wouldn't like that. She giggled thinking about her mother's pending reaction, had a quick shower, put her PJ's on...to walk out seeing her mom changing the sheets and giving her the look...the look of you were NAUGHTY. She laughed out load, apologised and gave her mother a big hug.

She sat down at the table with her sister and had some fried fish and chips. He was going home that night. He did and she'd NEVER SEE HIM AGAIN.

Years pass by in a flash and she has no memory of this until it begins popping up in little pockets here and there. It affects her. She hates being touched by men she does not know. She is very over protective of those younger than her.

Years pass again and she deals with it head on on the brink of womanhood. She knows it's not her fault, never was. She knows she's a good person but wishes she could tell her family. Only her sister and 2 cousins know. One she's close to and the other who changed her view of the world.

She could tell complete strangers who've had the same experience or close friends but just couldn't tell her mother. The one person she's wanted to tell all her life. She's even dreamed about it. She knows her mother would understand, she knows her mother would love her just the same but the her brain won't tell her lips to move so she could convey just that.

Write about it?! Now that's a thought but no pen, paper or pencil will let her. Well that's not true; her hands won't work the pen, paper or pencil.

She knows she'll tell her mother, it's the how and when that conflicts with her.

On the bright side she's a stable young lady, intelligent, funny, smart, good looking. Considering, she turned out just fine...in this case memory lapse helped her. Then she helped herself. She knew it wasn't her fault; she had doe nothing wrong and since she hasn't seen him since...she healed, like a stone on a beach, slightly buried in the sand; getting washed over and over by the changing tide, into a smooth pebble, catching the light and shines and then catching the eyes of others.

Except every now and then she feels guilty...hoping he hasn't done it to others.

Some emotions...not all

sometimes they feel a void, loss of something never to be returned.
sometimes they feel a void, loss of something never to be returned.
some may never be strong enough to tell
some may never be strong enough to tell
sometimes they feel alone....
sometimes they feel alone....
sometimes they fix their own hearts
sometimes they fix their own hearts
sometimes...every now and then they  cower
sometimes...every now and then they cower
sometimes they hide
sometimes they hide
sometimes their minds' build walls
sometimes their minds' build walls

Intriguing isn't it?!

I don't know for certain how every abuse child thinks, or handles their abuse; then again I'm not speaking for every child just the ones I know.

'Should I tell someone' is the mind's main focus.

They may be quieter than normal. The may act more grown up, but if they've always been precocious, it's harder to tell then.

Some may even acquire a heightened sense of sexual curiosity as such are more prone to experiment from an early age or incorporate sexual contact in games.

Depending on their age

  • they may be left so confused as to what has taken place they see no need to tell.
  • they may even be fearul of their abuser.
  • or ashamed that they let it happen.

Some even refuse to tell in order to protect their family. Some fathers would kill. They prefer to keep their parent than lose them to prison for the sake of someone sinister, someone who abused their trust.

Fact...most child molesters are someone the child knows! More often someone their family or their parents know...even someone in their family!

If you're an abuse victim and have been affected by this and want to share, please go to Abused Anonymous Hub you can sign out and let it all out anonymously. Regardless of the type of abuse suffered. Whether it was mental, emotional, physical or sexual; you can freely share there.

If you're reading this and are in a similar situation...don't be afraid to tell someone. Make sure it's someone you can trust!

Just so you know since this hub was published....I was able to find the strength to tell my mother and the feeling of relief could be no sweeter.

Pics from photobucket,webshots.com and tribe.net

More by this Author


Comments 16 comments

LaVieja profile image

LaVieja 6 years ago from London

Drawn to read this, although I was dreading it as I hate anything to do with child abuse- my head can't get round it. But you wrote it right, it wasn't too detailed or graphic, but it was emotive and for me, insightful.


Sa Toya profile image

Sa Toya 6 years ago from England Author

Thanks...I tried not to make it too graphic, I could but didn't want to go there. I too can't get my head around child abuse either.


men are dorks profile image

men are dorks 6 years ago from Namibia

I hate, detest child molesters/abusers and rapists with a passion, they deserve no rights or privileges in a society... Dont ask why. beautifull hub...


cosette 6 years ago

i've often wondered why i do that as well...count tiles and really notice patterns on the wall in reflective moments, although my experience was physical, mental and emotional instead of sexual. i think that people who abuse innocents are fiends and deserve the worst punishment imaginable. this was a well written hub. rating it UP...


Sa Toya profile image

Sa Toya 6 years ago from England Author

@ men are dorks, thanks for stopping by and commenting. I too despise them and no I won't ask...

@cosette Cheers for rating it up. I too notice patterns and count tiles. I suppose it's meant to be comforting I guess.

I agree abusers of innocents do deserve the worst punishment.PERIOD!


TattoGuy 6 years ago

Powerful hub from someone so young, am really proud of you !


ladyjane1 profile image

ladyjane1 6 years ago from Texas

I don't think you are in my radar anymore I am not getting your hubs in my emails anymore. Great hub by the way.


dogluver1 profile image

dogluver1 6 years ago

Great hub! You are an amazing writer. :)


kkbunnylover 6 years ago

i was abused sexaully by my dad even thought i hate to call him my dad he did it...i hate him till today he made me fell dirty and i cut because of him it still hurts me every fathers day it makes me want to cry.... but thank you for your hub blog (comment on my hub) thanks kk


Invisiblestats profile image

Invisiblestats 6 years ago from london

As Suvivour of child abuse..i found this really helpful..thank you x


Tina 6 years ago

I was abused as a child by my mother It's sad because woman also abuse boys.I live in fear and can never trust a woman and get sick thinking about any female touching me.

I went with men and became trangender m-f because of my mothers abuse. They say that people who have been abused as children, recreate and meet another abuser as an adult,It may not always the case but for me I would have met my mother all over again and would be dead now, and I love life, to children with abusive mothers you are not alone,you are not sick you deserve to be happy!God and angels are with you.


dawnM profile image

dawnM 6 years ago from THOUSAND OAKS

Great hub very informative, yes I think that some children would not tell their parents, so it is always the responsibility of the parents to start out with children at a young age telling them, those are your privates, talking openly with them at an age appropriate time about their bodies, so that they feel comfortable telling a parent if anything ever happen to them. I call it open communication.


jb 5 years ago

great article Mike


GarnetBird profile image

GarnetBird 5 years ago from Northern California

I know just how you feel. Check out my Hub on How Families react When Incest Survivors Tell the Terrible Truth. Good hub/great topic.


Victoria Lynn profile image

Victoria Lynn 4 years ago from Arkansas, USA

That was so hard to read. It was so real. The pictures are so poignant, the song so haunting. I'm glad you are able to share and hopefully heal. I'm glad you could finally tell your mother. This is such a difficult subject. I hate it that anybody goes through it. I worked with abused kids and their families for several years. It's so hard. Hope you're okay. Thanks for sharing.


days leaper profile image

days leaper 3 years ago from england

Both song, and story was very moving. I found counselling helped me a long way to recovery. So has writing. One or two of my hubs may be of interest to you on your journey of healing. And I am in the process of spell checking another one. I cover much about how love was lost due to the baggage of the trauma/s "Why I ran away from true love"..

(sorry don't know how to get the blue writing)

I wish You (all here) all the best.

from Days...

    Sign in or sign up and post using a HubPages Network account.

    0 of 8192 characters used
    Post Comment

    No HTML is allowed in comments, but URLs will be hyperlinked. Comments are not for promoting your articles or other sites.


    Click to Rate This Article
    working