Advice For Parents: What Teenagers REALLY Want, Besides a Bigger Allowance

Tips For Raising Emotionally Healthy Teenagers

Now that I am an official empty nester with three kids in their 20s and two wonderful grandchildren, I have spent some time reflecting on the things I did right and wrong as I raised my children single-handedly. And yes -- I messed up quite often. We all do. No parenting class or "how to" book can prepare you for the challenge of dealing with teens.

With a good sense of humor and a little bit of Prozac, any parent can get through the teen years without turning gray. But it takes a little bit of understanding and lot of hard work to raise teenagers that eventually become productive and emotionally healthy young adults.

In my humble opinion, these are the eight things that teenagers crave and seek from their parents as they navigate through their adolescent years.


#1:STRUCTURE

Teenagers are in the process of discovering who they are. Growing into a young adult is uncharted territory for them, and they need reassurance all along the way. Structure definitely gives them some of the reassurance they need.

Whether they fight about it, ignore it or make fun of it, they want to know that Wednesday night is still spaghetti night, Easter dinner will continue to be at Uncle Joe's and Aunt Sophie's, and "Santa" will always fill their Christmas stockings on Christmas Eve. Supper is at 6:00, chore day is Saturday and Sunday mass is at 10:00 am. They may never let you know it, but this structure is very, very important to them.

One thing that was very obvious with my son when he was in his early teens was that he needed to know ahead of time exactly what was going to happen in advance in order to process the information properly and, I guess, figure out whether he was going to rebel or quietly acquiesce. He simply fell apart if he found out that he had a doctor's appointment or that we were going to amusement park a mere day before the event.

#2: BOUNDARIES AND LIMITATIONS

If you've ever watched "The Dog Whisperer" with Cesar Millan, then you've heard these words used over and over again in dog training: boundaries and limitations. There's a simple reason for this. Dogs and teenagers alike can never feel successful at pleasing you if they do not understand what you expect from them.

Almost all teens will rebel to some of the boundaries you give them. This is normal, and you should expect it and be prepared to deal with it. But whatever you do, don't let your kids fool you. They still crave boundaries. Even the most delusional and rebellious adolescent can make the connection that giving them boundaries equals "I care about you".

Too often, teens act more like toddlers, and they will test you on each and every limitation that you place on them. To learn how to respond to those tests, see the next section on "Consistency".

Setting limits for your teenagers can be quite the balancing act, as too many boundaries or limitations that are too severe can have quite the opposite effect that you desire. (I'm sure we've all seen the child at the party whose parents did not allow him to have sugar grabbing every piece of candy or cake that they could and stuffing it in their little mouths when Mom's back was turned.)

#3: CONSISTENCY

If you are hell bent on screwing up your teen, then don't bother to be consistent with them. It's really that simple. Give them a curfew and don't give them consequences when they break it, or, even worse, only discipline them every now and then when they cross the line.

Teenagers will be the first to take advantage of inconsistent parenting. They may appear to enjoy it, but trust me -- they prefer that you are consistent and can count on Action A from them bringing on Reaction B from you.

Being consistent with your teenager becomes that much more important and at the same time more difficult when parents are divorced. Get over your angst with your ex, however, or you are going to have one messed up kid.

#4: FREEDOM AND TRUST

Teenagers are desperate to have you trust them and give them a little bit of freedom. This doesn't necessarily mean that they expect you to give them the family car for a cross-country trip on their 16th birthday.

This is where we start to see all the pieces come together.

Teen turns 13. Mom and Dad give them a cell phone for their birthday. They trust them with this freedom because they have given their teen:

  1. Structure - The teenager knows that Mom and Dad get the cell phone bill on the 1st of every month. They will review the teen's use of the phone and communicate any and all issues with the teenager.
  2. Boundaries and Limitations - Mom and Dad have been very clear with the amount of minutes and text messages available to their teenager and the consequences if the teen crosses those boundaries.
  3. Consistency - Mom and Dad have worked together to consistently follow through on everything they have said to their teenager about using the cell phone. Stated consequences for crossing boundaries are followed through on each and every time.

When you do this, there are only two scenarios that could possibly happen: the teenager lives up to their parents' trust and is responsible with the freedom allotted to them, or the teenager crosses the line and the parents' jump in and follow through with a consequence.

But there's one more step we haven't touched on. Follow through with the consequence and then let it go. If you hold every misstep against your teenager and judge what freedoms you allow them today against errors in judgment they made three years ago, you will have a teenager that will just give up.

That said, if a child consistently crosses the same boundary, the consequence must become more serious after time, eventually resulting in a loss of that freedom. Communicate with your child all along the way, however, so that they have a very clear view of the consequences they could face each and every time.

#5: PATIENCE

Teenagers are going to make mistakes, and usually lots of them. Most teenagers are simply children trying to be adults, and even mature adults make mistakes. They need and want you to be patient with them. Yelling and shouting at them just isn't going to work -- trust me -- and it will make them tune you out quicker than you can blink an eye.

When they make make an error in judgment or cross the boundaries that you've set for them, do not let them see you get riled up. Do not let them hear you yelling. Look them in the eye, speak with your normal voice, and treat them exactly as the adult they are longing to be. They will love you even more for it.

Way too many parents these days take this concept overboard and believe that patience equals praise. They refuse to give their child a reality check and praise the child so much instead of just being honest with them that they raise little bitty princesses that will grow up to be full-blown narcissists.

Patience is a means of delivering a message -- it is not the message itself. Being patient means saying "Johnny, I asked you to practice piano for 30 minutes and you only practiced for 5 minutes. Privileges are gone" in a calm manner. It does not mean that you say, "Wow, Johnny, that's the best five minutes of piano playing I've ever heard. You're ready to give your own concert in Carnagie Hall!"

#6: KINDNESS AND RESPECT

Good Lord, so many parents forget about this. We all have the tendency to be so very lovely to friends and neighbors, and leave the ugly bits for the family. Being kind and respectful to your teenagers is even more important because how you treat them is how they will treat others.

Stay in tune with your teenagers. Acknowledge when they are feeling down or having a hard time and discuss it with them. They may not want to talk to you about all of their problems, but will still be grateful that you noticed and made it a priority.

Be consistent in saying "please", "thank you" and "you're welcome" to your teenager. Trust me that teens pick up very quickly that you treat others with more respect than you do with them. It's an ugly scene. Don't get caught in that mess.

#7: POSITIVE REINFORCEMENT

Unfortunately, I know way too many parents who are quick to point out the negative and completely forget the positive in day-to-day interactions with their teenager.

"Those shorts are too short."

"You are too young to have a belly button ring."

"You look like a bum in those clothes."

"How can you stand that music?"

"Why did you get a C in Chemistry?"

Try swapping some of those phrases out with ones like:

"You look beautiful in that outfit."

"Great job on your math test."

"Thanks for remembering to take out the trash."

"I'm so proud of you."

Positive reinforcement is very important with both boys and girls, but to me it seems that a lack of positive reinforcement has a much longer lasting affect on men. I wish I had a dollar for every guy I know who said at one point or another that they 'just wanted to know that their Dad was proud of them'. Let your teenager know that you are proud of them and that you acknowledge all of the good that they do. And let them know it often.

#8: UNCONDITIONAL LOVE

I believe that only a parent can truly understand what unconditional love is. So it's no wonder that teenagers are always seeking reassurance that we love them, especially when they mess up.

This is one I believe I got right with my kids. When my teenagers made mistakes, along with giving them a consequence I also always delivered the message that I still loved them -- no matter what. Teens need to hear that and they need to hear it often. The bigger the mistake that they make, the louder the message should be. Shout it from the rooftop if you need to, but deliver that message to them and you -- and your teenager -- will truly reap the reward.

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Comments 15 comments

Stanley_19802 profile image

Stanley_19802 7 years ago

I know the one thing I really wanted to hear was "Son, I am proud of you". Not once did I ever hear that, from either of my parents. I know I was having a very hard time in school from bullies, and I just couldn't get help to deal with it. My mom wouldn't help, and the teachers had that annoying policy of "If I didn't see it, it didn't happen". But funny how they always saw me defending myself, but never the bully attacking first. So many fights and problems could have been delt with if my mom would have sat down with me to talk about what was going on at school. It took a suicide attempt when I was 16 for her to do something about one of the staff members who was abusing me. Everyone I told was telling me I was lying, that someone would have seen it and reported it. It should never have gotten to that point. If your child says someone is hurting them, even if you don't believe it, just check into it anyway. Take one of your days off and sit in the back of your child's class and ask that the staff not know who you are. I did that when my brother was being picked on in class. I took a day off school and spent the day in the back of the class, had the principle tell the staff I was just an observer, so no one knew I was his brother. That way you can see what's really going on. And incase you didn't know, and many don't. You have the right to observe your child's class. It just has me angry that so many things could have been avoided or fixed early if parents would just talk with their child. Take what they say seriously. And take some time, 1 day a week or something to go out to lunch, or see a movie, or a picnic at a park. Just spend some time with them. Let them know you love them and say "I am proud of you" for what ever you can. Good grades, report a bully, just whatever good thing you can find to be proud of them for, and let them hear the words. Same for "I love you". I couldn't get my dad to say it once. Ended up in a big fight just trying to get him to say it once. So yea. Just love your kids. That's all.

-Stanley


lrohner profile image

lrohner 7 years ago from USA Author

I appreciate the support, Websclubs.


websclubs profile image

websclubs 7 years ago

What Teens Really Want and Need is You! & Your Time!

As we each navigate through the adolescent years.

These eight things on your list, “will help all who apply them” in their on life, an in the lives, of their offspring.

Thank you for you kind words,

of help at the right time for it.

The very best to you and yours.

Job well done


lrohner profile image

lrohner 7 years ago from USA Author

Thanks Jane! Your turn to write a hub on this now! :)


Jane@CM profile image

Jane@CM 7 years ago

We parent in a very similar way! Love the article!


lrohner profile image

lrohner 7 years ago from USA Author

I hear ya, CJ. And I do have to admit that child-rearing in the US has certainly changed by leaps and bounds from when I was a teenager. And I still like to think that I didn't turn out THAT badly! :)


fierycj profile image

fierycj 7 years ago from The Fiery Heart of Africa

The only hub that isnt about food, huh? Well, Teens...hmmm, they sure can be a bugger, huh? all those hormones flying about all over the damn place. well, you ground them and all, the keep coming back. they're a nightmare. In africa, they get whipped. I always laugh when I see a movie where a teen gets grounded or his allowance taken away for doing some really terrible stuff. maybe thats why western teens are so out of the way. BOOM! sorry, you gotta deal with that stuff.


lrohner profile image

lrohner 7 years ago from USA Author

Thanks so much, Kelly. And I know what you mean. I've seen some parents that just amaze me. If they act that way in public to their kids, can you imagine how they are at home?


Kelly Contrary profile image

Kelly Contrary 7 years ago from Kansas--if evolution is outlawed, only outlaws will evolve

Wonderful hub. Please continue the parenting advice hubs. My kids are close to being teenagers and I will keep your comments in mind. Really agree with #6--you wouldn't believe the things you hear/see at DisneyWorld. We tried to go every so often just to remind ourselves that we weren't the worst parents in the world. I'm fan #39 which is also my IQ, unfortunately.


lrohner profile image

lrohner 7 years ago from USA Author

Thanks Army. I truly think teens are our parent's way of getting back at us! And good luck because with me, my oldest was pretty easier. But then it went downhill. My youngest was my biggest challenge by far. Good luck!


Army Infantry Mom profile image

Army Infantry Mom 7 years ago

First congrad's on surviving the teen years,..LOL. I'm living in those days right now with two of my kids, whew its hard work. This is an Awesome hub. I believe you covered all the important factors regaurding raising teens. I implemented those factors with my oldest child and he turned out to be a productive citizen in society with lots to offer.


lrohner profile image

lrohner 7 years ago from USA Author

Thanks Wordscribe. Only 10 years old? You are certainly in for some fun times! Don't sweat the cell phone. Pretty soon he/she will be asking for a car! :)


wordscribe41 7 years ago

Excellent hub. Oh my, Prozac it will be. I am not looking forward to the payback from my kids (I was not a pleasant teenie bopper). Great tips, my almost 10 year-old is already asking for a cell phone. COME ON!


lrohner profile image

lrohner 7 years ago from USA Author

Thanks so much, Gypsy. I'm just happy I finally wrote a hub that wasn't about food!


Gypsy Willow profile image

Gypsy Willow 7 years ago from Lake Tahoe Nevada USA , Wales UK and Taupo New Zealand

Oh how true, well done with this hub.

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