Coke is better than Pepsi
I wrote this for a contest. I don't think they realized I was making fun of them.
Coca Cola, Better than Pepsi: The Simple Truth.
Through out the ages people have declared a preference for sodas. Rivalries have risen and fallen, brands have come and gone. Taste wars have been initiated fought by way of blind test, commercial and polls. Their have been some who have called the whole thing nonsense, and these people have been stricken to the wayside like twigs from a barrel, as empires rise and fall based on the whims of the taste buds of the masses. Coca Cola, some say. Pepsi Cola others cry. Which is best? Which is the king of colas? The classic champion is Coca Cola and I will in this very document persuade, nay, prove beyond a shadow of the slimmest doubt that its supremacy is justified by its taste, value and beauty.
The first Coca Cola ever brought to market was produced in Columbus, Georgia. The brainchild of John Stith Pemberton(1) it was originally marketed as a cocawine, a mixture of wine and cocaine, and granted the title Pemberton’s French Wine Coca. Due to the belief at the time that carbonated water was good for the health it was sold as a patent medicine for the modest price of five cents a bottle. Said to be able to cure a variety of ills, including, morphine addiction, impotence, dyspepsia, and even headaches, it was an immediate sensation among the southern working class(2) due to its excellent taste and curative properties.
Pepsi cola on the other hand was first spawned from the perverse mind of one Caleb Bradham, a down and out pharmacist of questionable character. Seeing the advertising demographics of Coca Cola and realizing that a minority gap was prevalent in Coca Colas ads(3), Bradham used invasive advertising to ensnare his unwilling converts by appealing to their human prejudices. Pepsi was able to gain a foothold in the Cola market through propaganda and has remained a thorn in the side of Coke ever since.
Pepsi originally was able to maintain a foothold in Russia(1) as the most popular Cola through out the cols war. This is because they are traitors and since Coke is seen as such an incredibly successful “American” company, a symbol of the almighty American Economy, the vile Red Menace rejected it in favor of Pepsis decadent, sinister taste. However when the Cold War ended Coca Cola was able to grab a huge market share while introducing itself to the Russian people. Since July 2005 Coca cola has had the highest market share of all Colas in the Former USSR. 19.4 to Pepsis ridiculous 13.5
What could have caused this massive change other then the inherent superiority of America’s favorite drink?
Ever since I was a young boy, sitting in those old New England fields, watching the motorcycles in summer as my dad and the boys threw back a few and me and my friends would drift into peoples yards and steal food from bird feeders, when given the choice between the Blue and the Red can I’d always reach for an ice cold Coca Cola. I knew it would deliver, I knew that as an American living in these times I was born with certain preferences encoded into my national DNA. Wal-Mart, Mcdonalds, Coca-Cola, these brands mean something, more than just corporations. These are our most successful and well-known symbols. Coca Cola is the most universally recognized symbol in the world other than maybe the cross of Christ or Super Mario. Neither Christ or Mario is American though. Coke is American. Pepsi is also American but as I said before the Russians, are mortal enemies at the time, used to guzzle the stuff like bathtub vodka. Coca Cola doesn’t just symbolize America, Coca Cola is America. From Sea to Shining Sea, no other soft drink can unite people together and allow people to share at least one thing with eachother in the same harmonious way that this miracle drink can. Ask anyone whether he or she has ever tasted a Coca Cola before. The answer will be yes. And if we can all agree on that, then why should there ever be a war? Shouldn’t we be showering our enemies with pop instead of missiles and poison gas?
As my neighbor Dale Green once said, “Pepsi tastes like somebody threw up Coca Cola into a rusty tin can and let it sit for a week.” I believe this, vulgar and crass way of saying he prefers Coke to Pepsi, perfectly summarizes all the points I’ve made here today. Dale is an American. He drives an American car, watches to American TV and participates in Pie Eating contests in July. Dale is every one of us living in this crazy little experiment we like to call the United States and if Dale says Coke is better, well than…that’s good enough for me.
Truly what is Coke? What is Pepsi? Are they really that different? The differences in Ingredients are at best negligible. The true secret formulas are classified and not public knowledge, they have the same color, same basic packaging and some would say, incorrectly but nonetheless, that they even taste identical. What then is it that truly separates them? Some would say, again, nothing. The Cola Wars are simply a case of marketing and public perception run wild. It’s placebos, the sugar pill effect, some other popular phenomena. The truth is that Coca Cola has a kind of appeal that can only be understood in abstract ways. It has that sort of French New Wave Cinema quality, a uniqueness generated by its self, it is the flavor that binds it and makes fools of us all. Pepsi is the second string. You ask for coke but they don’t have it “Is Pepsi Ok?” They ask. You say yes, because you just want a cola, but it’s not god damn ok. I asked for Coke, I want Coke. Why this Pepsi crap? Why don’t you keep a case of Coke around for when someone asks you for it? I’ve been coming here for years you couldn’t keep a little coke on hand for me? I get Pepsi? No. I think we’ve all been down that road.
Because this is simply a matter of taste I was only able to generate a feeling to try and capture the essence of what Coke is compared to Pepsi. There is simply no accounting for taste no matter what. I give you what I can but it’s up to you to make the right decision. Which is Coke. Coke is Americas best and most endearing qualities all distilled into liquid form and sold in quantities that the mind can truly only begin to fathom without reeling. Coke is me. Coke is you. I persuade you, Buy Coke.