How to Bake a Pound Cake, Explained by a Man

I didn't use the 18 volt cordless Dewalt drill, but in an emergency........

By the way, there are RULES!

I found my wife's recipe for pound cake a few years ago and decided to surprise her by baking it while she was at work. OK, let's all go "Awwwwwww!".

I had helped her before which means I was in the kitchen drinking coffee while she did it. So I sort of knew what was involved. The recipe seemed easy enough.

2 sticks of butter,1/2 pint whipping cream, 3 cups sugar,3 cups of cake flour, and six eggs.

That is all the information that was printed on the little index card. So I put all of that crap in the mixer, fired it up and then baked it. This is exactly the way to do it if you want a pound cake that tastes good but is 2 and 15/16 inches tall! There are rules, who knew?

So guys, here is how you really make this thing. I promise not to leave out any of the important stuff.

First prepare to spend some time on this. Planning is everything. The 2 sticks of butter must be softened. That does not mean you should put it in the microwave for 10 minutes on high! I like to sit it out on the counter for a while until it gets soft but you could heat it a LITTLE in the microwave if you are in a hurry. Soften it don't boil it!

Now would be a good time to preheat the oven to 350 degrees. That is kind of like the burnout you do on the dragstrip to get the tires hot so you get better traction off the line!

The next thing to do is mix the sugar and the butter in your mixer. I would go out and get a KitchenAid stand mixer if you don't have one. These things are great and they even come in gun metal gray!

Now you put the eggs in. Wait, don't just plop them in there! Are you nuts??

Eggs go in one at a time and each should be mixed in well before the next one. If your name is not Emeril Lagasse then I suggest that you break each egg into a little glass bowl to make sure there is no shell in there. If no one is at home you can yell "Bam" every time you drop one in. That is optional, but I would try it if I were you.

Next comes the whipping cream and the cake flour. You didn't put those in there yet did you? Good! You are learning, grasshopper.

Measure carefully and tap the measuring cup on the side to settle the flour so that you get exactly 3 cups. You have to alternate the whipping cream and the cake flour: a little flour then a little cream. Now I have not been given the reasoning for this next bit of CRUCIAL INFORMATION and it makes no sense whatsoever but

YOU MUST START AND END WITH CAKE FLOUR!!!!

Now you do the final mix part. You mix this until it is ready. When is that? I don't know. How long do you mix it? I don't know. What speed do you mix it? I don't know. Just mix it until it is ready. Longer than you think but not quite that long is my best guess.

While you are mixing the cake the exact length of time on the exact speed determined by Starfleet, you can flour the cake pan. You could wax the pan with Crisco and then dust flour on the bottom and sides getting just the right amount all around ..... and one hell of a lot of it on the floor or

you could spray WD40 on it. Well not really. But there is such an animal as Pam for baking and it works great!

Pour the batter (that is the crap you just mixed up) into the pan and slide it into the middle of the the oven. If you forgot to preheat the oven, you can throw out the whole thing. Game over! By the way as much as you may want to crack that door open to look inside while the baking process is going on "Do not do it!!!"

This would be a good time to go out and wax that Harley, rotate the tires on your Humvee, or kill a couple of wild boar with your crossbow. You know, do something manly.

It needs to bake 1 hour and 10 minutes or 70 minutes if you are anal. Again do not simply grab the darn thing out of there at the end of 70 minutes, or 1 hour and 10 minutes if you are anal. You have to check to see if it is done. This is like the doctor checking your prostrate. Put on a glove and stick something in there and see how it looks when you pull it out! You can use a toothpick or in the old days they used a straw out of a broom. A ten penny nail is too big! Anyway if it comes out clean it is done and if not continue baking it in 5 minute intervals unti it is done. It will also pull away from the side of the pan when it is done.

Now you are through! Well not exactly. put it on a rack for about ten minutes with a CLEAN dish towel over it to cool off. Now you can flip it over onto the rack, wrap the dish towel around it and let it finish cooling.

Slice your warm cake and place it on a fine piece of china, top with fresh strawberry glaze, garnish with a very light sprinkle of 10x powdered sugar and eat slowly with a dessert fork in your formal dining room with some candles burning and Barbara Streisand playing in the background. Or just eat a piece standing in the kitchen in your underwear and let the crumbs fall on the floor. Hunny Bunny can clean it up when she gets home.



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Comments 15 comments

Storytellersrus profile image

Storytellersrus 6 years ago from Stepping past clutter

This is SO FUNNY!!! I love it. I think it is one of my favorite EVER hubs- and I have been a member for over two years. I can visualize the entire scene and all your manly comments take it to a completely new level, i.e., the mixer comes in gun metal gray? Where did that even come from? You are a Republican Garrison Keiller-- and I swear I won't hold it against you, lol. Keep up the good work. I am thumbs upping this one resspencer!


resspenser profile image

resspenser 6 years ago from South Carolina Author

You don't know how much this comment means to me! Thanks so much.

The fact is that the mixer does come in that color - but I don't think they call it that!

By the way:

"It's Spenser with an S, like the poet." Robert Urich by way of Robert B. Parker.

LOL!!!


Lady_E profile image

Lady_E 6 years ago from London, UK

Wow, a very detailed, funny, Recipe. Sounds yummy and I like the options you've given us about how to eat it. lol

Must try it one day...


resspenser profile image

resspenser 6 years ago from South Carolina Author

Yeah, well don't use the drill. That's a guy thing!


rebekahhs profile image

rebekahhs 6 years ago

Hilarious! I especially love the last few lines. Even the most testosterone-filled, manliest man wouldn't feel too emasculated working with this recipe. Great hub!


resspenser profile image

resspenser 6 years ago from South Carolina Author

Thanks, rebekkahhs.

Glad you enjoyed it and thanks for the comment.


NCWriterDK 6 years ago

The most entertaining reading in a long time! You need to take it on STAGE! Love the drill. Actually the men in my family are all gourmet cooks so set up the laptop; find your favorite chef and have at it! Then, please, please, write about it!!!


Golden Mama 6 years ago

I enjoyed you recipe for the man way of doing things, and being a tool belt diva myself I can relate But I'll stick to the womans way of doing things, You are hillarious, Keep dishing.


resspenser profile image

resspenser 6 years ago from South Carolina Author

Thanks, GM. I appreciate the visit and comment. Some things just never occur to us guys!


Putz Ballard profile image

Putz Ballard 6 years ago

A favorite in our house My wife is a baker and we are blessed with some great pound cakes.


Rachel 6 years ago

You are alright with me I attempted to make a pound cake today and oh boyyyyyy the pan was bent so it leaked out into the water pan sitting under it. Made a second one came out ok but I know I can do better. Thanks so much for making me laugh I really needed it at the time.


Pat 4 years ago

Too good. I have watched my own husband and his friend make a cake for a church cook off. The rule was that the ladies could offer no help. They read off all the ingredients and threw them into the bowl as they read them off, then when they got down to the instructions and read cream butter and sugar they were baffled. Too funny!!


resspenser profile image

resspenser 4 years ago from South Carolina Author

I almost made this last one with 2 cups of sugar and 2 cups of cake flour. I'm a disaster waiting to happen!


Kathy 4 years ago

I giggled all the way through, Ronnie, because I could hear you telling the story. And Helen laughing atwith you. Good job. You've come a long way from needing to know the difference between the "big T" and the "litle t" in a recipe! And your writing's pretty good, too.....


resspenser profile image

resspenser 4 years ago from South Carolina Author

Thanks, Kathy. Good to hear from you!

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