How to Make a Sandwich at Home (Humor)

It All Begins With Bread
It All Begins With Bread

Gather Your Ingredients

To begin with, you will need bread. Two slices are the usual quantity. The filling goes in between the slices of bread.

Of course, there is always the option of making an inside-out sandwich, with the cheese or whatever filling on the outside, and the bread in the middle. Depending on the filling, though, this could get rather messy, as in the case of peanut butter and jelly.

Next, you may want something on the bread between the bread and filing. You can think of this ingredient in one of two ways:

  1. as an additional flavor punch
  2. as a lubricant to help you swallow the filling

In the first case, you can use whatever strikes your fancy; in the second case, usually necessary with peanut butter, I find butter or margarine works best.

Eliminate Distractions

Pick your cell phone out of the jelly, and wipe it off.

Chase the begging dog out of the room.

Fish your phone out of the dishpan where if fell when you were wiping it.

Kick the cat off the counter.

Call a friend to see if your phone still works.

Wipe the kid's nose.

Repeat these steps as needed.

Add the Fillings

A sandwich can be as simple or as complicated and ridiculous as you care to make it. Two slices of bread, a spread of some sort, and a single filling ingredient is quick and easy.

A Simple Sandwich
A Simple Sandwich

Vote for How to Make a Sandwich

4.3 stars from 4 ratings of Sandwich Making Techniques

Simple? Complicated? Up to You!

Or, you could make a club sandwich, with three slices of bread, two layers of filling, and lots of ingredients.

Then, there are the "kid-pleasing specials." (See recipe, below.)

Plate Your Sandwich

Yes, plate your sandwich. That's what the professional chefs call serving food; plating it.

Make sure you use a luncheon plate, or even a dinner plate or paper plate. We don't want you plating it for posterity, as with bronze baby shoes. Not that kind of plating!

A very simple toast on toast sandwich
A very simple toast on toast sandwich

Sit Down and Enjoy

Move the cat out of your favorite chair, and sit down to eat your sandwich.

Oh, darn! Forgot your drink? Go get it!

Come back and once more remove the cat from your chair. Now, you are unsure if kitty has licked your sandwich; he has a suspicious look on his sweet little furry face.

Sit down, and begin eating. Oh! Halfway done; you realize you forgot your napkin. Get up, and find it. Come back to your chair, and yep--you guessed it; remove kitty once again.

Sit down to finish, and notice the plate is now empty. You are positive you only ate half the sandwich. Search the floor, and the chair. No--it's not there. Aha! There, under the table, lies the dog, licking his chops and looking only slightly remorseful.

Better luck next time.

The Guilty Party?

Oh, please, can't I have just a tiny bite?
Oh, please, can't I have just a tiny bite? | Source

Kid-Pleasing Club Sandwich

  • 2Tbsp. Peanut Butter, Creamy or Chunky
  • 1/2 Banana, Sliced into rounds
  • 1 Tbsp. Honey or whipped honey spread
  • 1 Tbsp. Marshmallow Creme
  • 3 Slices Bread
  • 2 Tsp. Butter or Margarine
Prep time: 5 min
Ready in: 5 min
Yields: 1 Sandwich

Put it All Together

  1. Spread one side of two slices of bread with the butter or margarine; spread both sides of the third slice of bread with butter or margarine
  2. On one slice of bread, spread the peanut butter
  3. Spread/mix the honey into the peanut butter
  4. Lay half the banana slices onto the honey/peanut butter mixture
  5. Top with second slice of bread, (the one buttered on both sides)
  6. Spread marshmallow creme onto the second slice of bread
  7. Top marshmallow creme with remaining banana slices
  8. Add third slice of bread, cut into quarters and serve

© 2015 Liz Elias

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Jodah profile image

Jodah 21 months ago from Queensland Australia

This was a fun hub MsLizzy, I do like my sandwiches and I love your prices for making one. I can relate to the cat and dog :) I wouldn't like the kid-pleasing club sandwich but that's just my fussy taste buds, and I'm not a kid :) voted up.

billybuc profile image

billybuc 21 months ago from Olympia, WA

Good writers can make the mundane entertaining. I was entertained here. :)

drbj profile image

drbj 21 months ago from south Florida

I would have commented sooner, Liz, m'dear, but it took me some time to stop giggling at your funny instructions. Well done, m'dear! In the future, I will remove all pets from the premises during sandwich time.

Oh, wait, I only have a goldfish. Then again, how much can a goldfish eat?

DzyMsLizzy profile image

DzyMsLizzy 21 months ago from Oakley, CA Author

@ Jodah - Hee hee...Thanks for the fun comment. We have cats, no dogs, but believe me, they can be quite mischievous! I guess I must still be a kid, since I still enjoy that 'club' sandwich. LOL

@ billybuc - Thank you so much; I'm delighted I was able to entertain a writer of your caliber!

@ drbj - LOL I'm glad you enjoyed this bit of nonsense. Best advice; don't let any crumbs fall into the fishbowl, or he may learn some new tricks! ;)

The Examiner-1 profile image

The Examiner-1 21 months ago

This was hilarious DzyMsLizzy, I smiled the entire time that I read it. Except for the part about the club sandwich. I had thought of buying club rolls if I was able to find more for sale. The part about more bread was interesting. I voted up+++, shared and pinned it.


DzyMsLizzy profile image

DzyMsLizzy 21 months ago from Oakley, CA Author

Hi, Kevin,

LOL Glad you got a chuckle out of this. Great suggestion on the club rolls. ;-)

Thanks much for the votes, share and pin!

ChitrangadaSharan profile image

ChitrangadaSharan 21 months ago from New Delhi, India

Wonderful hub and a great presentation!

What an innovative way to write a recipe hub! I thoroughly enjoyed the wit and the sandwiches.

Thanks for sharing this, voted up!

BigBlue54 profile image

BigBlue54 21 months ago from Hull, East Yorkshire

So I am reading this Hub and it mentions the inside out sandwich, and I thought "here we go again with these Americans and their weird ideas." I mean they have these weird measurements, what with cups and buckets and whatever. And what's with the stick of butter? Is that butter shaped like a stick of is that a stick covered in butter? They never say.

And what is it with the peanut butter and jelly. You never say whether you use the jelly straight from the packet or dilute it in hot water first. I am assuming here that your jelly is similar to something you call jello, which I assume is a trade name.

And the toast on toast sandwich. Is that for those who need more fibre in their diet or the fact that because you were dealing with cats, dogs and children you forgot the filling.

Well you got me smiling DzyMsLissy. It's all the bits you don't see in the recipe. Normally when I read a recipe I think I'd like to try it, but I think I will have to give the inside out sandwich a miss. Though I do wonder what the Earl of Sandwich would make of it. :-D

Rachel L Alba profile image

Rachel L Alba 21 months ago from Every Day Cooking and Baking

How cool! Sometimes the simplest things are the best. I love the part about eliminating distractions. Thanks for sharing.


bravewarrior profile image

bravewarrior 21 months ago from Central Florida

This is quite humorous, Lizzy. One of my favorite sandwiches as a kid (and still is when I get a hankering for something sweet) is a fluffernutter. Peanut butter and marshmallow fluff between two pieces of really soft bread.

DzyMsLizzy profile image

DzyMsLizzy 21 months ago from Oakley, CA Author

@ ChitrangadaSharan - Thank you very much. I’m most pleased you enjoyed the humor and enjoyed the hub. Many thanks, too, for the vote and share!

@ BigBlue54 - Well, hello from across the pond! I’ll try to explain, though I suspect you’ve got some of that dry British humor going on there, yourself. ;)

Our butter, for the most part, is sold by the pound, in cartons. It is divided into 4 cubes of 1/4 pound each; those are the “sticks” of butter. (Same goes for margarine--or perhaps you folks call it ‘oleo.’ ?? Sorry, I don’t know metric equivalents.

Jelly does not come in a packet, and is nothing remotely like “jello,” (which, as you correctly assumed), is a brand name for a fruit-flavored gelatin-based dessert. Jelly, on the other hand, comes in a jar, and is a fruit spread, being the thickened juice from actual fruit--pectin and sugar added, and boiled to that consistency. It’s more related to jam or preserves, except that it has no ‘chunks’ of fruit as it has been strained through a sieve.

Toast on toast--I’ve never heard of that myself; found the photo, thought it was funny, and included it on that basis alone. LOL As to the Earl of Sandwich; I wonder what he would think of the myriad variations on his basic idea? :D

Thanks so much for stopping by and adding your own humorous bits!

@ Rachel L Alba - Hee hee--and we have distractions aplenty, around here! I can scarcely even speak to someone on the phone without them hearing an aside to one of the cats to “get DOWN from there!” LOL Thanks so much for your kind comment.

@ bravewarrior - Ah, the old fluffernutter! It actually served as the original inspiration for the “kid club” sandwich! And when my kids were in Girl Scouts, they had a sandwich using a whipped-together mix of butter, honey and peanut butter, referred to as “Pooh Butter,” after the honey-loving bear in the “Winnie the Pooh” stories!

Thanks much for your comment!

bravewarrior profile image

bravewarrior 21 months ago from Central Florida

I still mix honey with peanut butter. It never dawned on me that I was doing what Pooh would want. I love Winnie the Pooh!

The Examiner-1 profile image

The Examiner-1 21 months ago

To find out metric equivalents go to Google and they have 'what-to-what' pages.

Jelly does come in packets. Go to fast foods and swipe some.


DzyMsLizzy profile image

DzyMsLizzy 21 months ago from Oakley, CA Author

@ bravewarrior - LOL Yes, indeed! It's always funny to watch the reaction when you first tell someone about this, because when spoken, of course the "h" is silent, and that is not at all what they are thinking you mean! :D

@ Kevin - thanks...yes, I know that; I was just too lazy and tired to bother today. ;) And I don't go to fast food joints. Some franchise coffee shops have tiny miniature plastic box "packets" of jelly, but again, we can't afford to eat out anymore, so that was not in my mind. When he said "packets" I was thinking the small plastic squeeze ones, like mustard and ketchup come in from fast food places. I've never seen jelly like that. :D

BigBlue54 profile image

BigBlue54 21 months ago from Hull, East Yorkshire

Your first thought were correct and I do have a British dry sense of humour. I believe in America it is called deadpan. But thanks for the explanation. I did know that a stick of butter was a quarter pound but I did not know that it came in a one pound carton so that was new. So thanks for that. I always enjoy learning something new.

I did know about jelly. We can get it here but jam, jelly with the pulp left in, is more popular. It is also cheaper. I recently bought a recipe book about making jelly's and I plan to try out some of the recipes.

Thanks for the reply, DzyMsLizzy. And thanks for teaching me something new. I always have a good day when I learn something new.

DzyMsLizzy profile image

DzyMsLizzy 21 months ago from Oakley, CA Author

Hello again, BigBlue54 - LOL--glad to be able to impart some new knowledge. "Learn something new every day" is a motto of mine as well. Best wishes with the jelly-making adventure. I'm afraid that sounds a bit outside my own energy level. ;)

BigBlue54 profile image

BigBlue54 21 months ago from Hull, East Yorkshire

Thanks for the best wishes.

What do you mean outside your energy level. I bet you're gambling about like a spring lamb. :-)

I forgot to mention that I have a set of US cup measures. I picked them up last year here in the UK. I think there are so many people getting recipes of the Internet that someone decided to sell cup measures here.

DzyMsLizzy profile image

DzyMsLizzy 21 months ago from Oakley, CA Author

LOL, BigBlue--not hardly! I'm pushing 70, and find that's exercise enough! ;)

BigBlue54 profile image

BigBlue54 21 months ago from Hull, East Yorkshire

You can still chase men, as long as it's downhill. :-)

At least you have gotten passed that stage where your mind is writing cheques your body can't pay for. :-D Mines trying ti hide the pen to stop me writing them. :-O

DzyMsLizzy profile image

DzyMsLizzy 21 months ago from Oakley, CA Author

LOL--no, I have my man--no need to chase! ;-)

As far as the second, nah--I decide to do something, my mind says, "Let's do this!" and my body says, "You talkin' to ME?!?!"

Hee hee hee

BigBlue54 profile image

BigBlue54 21 months ago from Hull, East Yorkshire

Save your strength for the important bits. Good idea. :-D

Growing old disgracefully, I like it. Sounds like my sort of style that. When people ask your age just reply old enough to know better but young enough to do it again. :-D

DzyMsLizzy profile image

DzyMsLizzy 21 months ago from Oakley, CA Author

Hahahaha.....funny! It's like the t-shirt I saw years back, that read, "Growing old is inevitable; growing UP is optional!"

An aunt of mine, when asked her age, used to reply, "I'm as old as my tongue and a little older than my teeth." :-D

BigBlue54 profile image

BigBlue54 21 months ago from Hull, East Yorkshire

Growing up is not an option I ever thought worth trying. And I am trying to avoid the growing old part as well.

Interesting how something are common to both side of the pond. I have heard people here say the same as your aunt.

Talking about growing old disgracefully. Several months back I was out shopping and there was an elderly couple in front of me, must been in their late 70s or even into their 80s, and they were shuffling along at their own pace. I saw the woman reached out her hand and I thought that's nice, after all those years together and she still wants to hold his hand. Wrong. Instead her hand went straight passed his and nipped his bottom. Not once but twice. And I would swear he speeded up. I know it brought a smile to his face. Well, I thought, there is life in the old dog yet. :-D

DzyMsLizzy profile image

DzyMsLizzy 21 months ago from Oakley, CA Author

LOL--That's hilarious!

BigBlue54 profile image

BigBlue54 21 months ago from Hull, East Yorkshire

I just hope that by the time they got home he remembered why he was rushing.

FlourishAnyway profile image

FlourishAnyway 21 months ago from USA

Think of all the people you have helped -- those who have given up on making sandwiches because there is a Subway on every corner. You've made them sandwich artists again. Bravo!

DzyMsLizzy profile image

DzyMsLizzy 21 months ago from Oakley, CA Author

Hi there, FlourishAnyway!

LOL Indeed--those places do seem to have proliferated. We're turning into a society whose younger members won't even know how to boil water!

Glad you enjoyed the hub; thanks for your amusing comment.

CatherineGiordano profile image

CatherineGiordano 20 months ago from Orlando Florida

You definitely delivered the funny as promised. It's like a funny sandwich. Two slices of premise filled with a joke. Very clever. Voted funny.

DzyMsLizzy profile image

DzyMsLizzy 20 months ago from Oakley, CA Author

Hi, Catherine! Glad you enjoyed my humorous take on the question. Thanks for the vote!

MG Seltzer profile image

MG Seltzer 18 months ago from South Portland, Maine

"Oh darn, forgot your sandwich? Go get it!" LOL, love it. Thumbs up!

DzyMsLizzy profile image

DzyMsLizzy 18 months ago from Oakley, CA Author

Hello there MG Seltzer!

LOL Thanks so much; I'm delighted you enjoyed this bit of silliness. Thanks for the vote!

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    Liz Elias (DzyMsLizzy)884 Followers
    321 Articles

    Liz likes to consider herself an amateur comedienne, having performed with a comedy improv troupe, and written assorted spoofs.

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