Men burning meat

Last night was a beautiful summer evening in Melbourne Australia where I live, with only a slight breeze outside, so my daughter decided we would have a barbecue.

The little ones love a barbecue as it means they can help with an outside meal covered from the suns burning heat, shaded by the delightfully decorated Pagoda on the front of our home.

The gable roof is still lined with fairy lights from Xmas, and a glass chandelier reflects the colored light onto the outdoor dining table, so as it gets dark it will look even nicer.

As a male in my society it is expected that I will clean the barbecue and prepare it for use with a nice coating of olive oil and do all outdoor cooking. This is fine by me, because as a cook I would make a good blacksmith and no skill is required in burning meat on a barbecue, which is why the average Australian bloke who can barely boil water gets the dirty smokey job in the first place!

Burnt meat.
Burnt meat.
More burnt meat.
More burnt meat.

The first thing to know is that some men are in love with their barbecue, paid 4 grand for it and treat it like a sports car. These guys go to the extreme and polish the barbecue until you can see your reflection in it, but for the most part, the barbecue will still have pieces of last summer's barbecue season stuck to the grill, and all over the hotplate.

this lack of cleaning is familiar to most spouses who have suffered through the kitchen being destroyed by a husband offering to cook breakfast. Six burnt pancakes, a mangled fry pan later and the kitchen is a bomb site she is expected to clean up.

After all he reasons, he has made the meal! The cleanup may involve the ceiling and almost every dish and plate in the kitchen.

The only safe place to have a lot of guys cook is outside and wise women allow the barbecue ritual when they need a break from cooking. For some reason men do seem to enjoy burning meat on a very hot barbecue.

After scouring the top with a screwdriver, ( last years barbecue tools are nowhere to be found) I light the barbecue and set all the knobs to "hot." Then I go looking for beer. Beer is usually in abundance at a barbecue, but not in this household. We do have beer sometimes, but as my 6 year old grandson and I are the only males, we don't always have barbecues or beer unless my boys visit, so the fridge was beer-less.

Beer is always used to clean barbecues, the idea is to get the barbecue plates very hot, then tip beer on it. It is not unusual to see several males standing around a barbecue drinking beer and pouring it on the barbecue in strategic spots to watch the puddle of filth form and then mop it off with newspaper which often catches on fire. It is primitive stuff, and great fun for the little boy inside who wants to burn and sizzle stuff. I use water and discover it works the same as beer! Eventually the last layer of fat is removed and it's on with the olive oil.

I don't have to do any cooking work at all really, other than take the funny skewered sticks out of the packet and take the meat out of it's packet then burn em all!

My three smallest grandchildren enjoyed it, so I am miles in front. Worst food critics I've ever met, those little ones! They even ate some of their salads. My daughter had made a great big salad, so we got our nutrition from that.

My daughter ate her meat as well and I can eat burnt meat anytime, so it all went well.

I love a good barbecue where I can show off my meat burning skill to the kids!

I went mad and cleaned the barbecue too.

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Comments 48 comments

Quilligrapher profile image

Quilligrapher 5 years ago from New York

At my place, my wife takes charge of the barby out of respect for the deceased steer. You and I should have a burn-off one day to see which of us can blacken and incinerate the fastest.

Happy New Year, Earnest. I hope you had a wonderful Christmas.

Q.


Winsome profile image

Winsome 5 years ago from Southern California by way of Texas

Hey EH, very funny and homey hub. You show a lot of care and love for those grandkids and I'm sure they embody dividends in return. In the OT, male priests offered up "burnt" offerings which was, we are told, pleasing to God. I guess that is license enough for us to carry on the exercise. Kudos on getting everyone to not only eat it, but enjoy it as well. Happy holidays to you. =:)


earnestshub profile image

earnestshub 5 years ago from Melbourne Australia Author

Hi Q, that is very considerate of your wife. I would love a barbecue burn off, but I must worn you of my expertise. I talk when I cook, so it is only the smell of burning that attracts me back to the task at hand. I do black very well. Happy New Year my friend, I hope you have a screamer of a 2011!


earnestshub profile image

earnestshub 5 years ago from Melbourne Australia Author

Thanks Winsome, I do get lots of love from the children.

I knew someone would be able to validate my cooking somehow, even if it meant resorting to the OT to do so!

Thanks for that.


SomewayOuttaHere profile image

SomewayOuttaHere 5 years ago from TheGreatGigInTheSky

...thanks for the laugh out loud!....that was good....brings back memories for me...recent ones....wish it was summer here!....good to know you're teaching the young ones 'bout the BBQ ritual....ha ha ha....


earnestshub profile image

earnestshub 5 years ago from Melbourne Australia Author

You laugh, I'm happy! My grandson will be burning meat in no time flat! Serious business burning meat.


diogenes profile image

diogenes 5 years ago from UK and Mexico

Well...and I can't resist this, a barbie is the only way you guys can get some ASHES!!! He he, what a low blow, right? Happy New Year to you Earnesthub. My years in Oz (1965 to 1970) were probably the happiest in my life. Great country, great mates. Good article...Bob


earnestshub profile image

earnestshub 5 years ago from Melbourne Australia Author

Hey thanks Bob, I gotta say the Australians were like lemmings! Thanks for the giggle. I hope you have a super new year too! Australia is still a good place to live.


agvulpes profile image

agvulpes 5 years ago from Australia

Great Hub earnestshub and I think that it is your tongue, not your meat, that is planted firmly in your cheek. lol

I feel sure that if your grandkids and your daughter all partook of your cooking efforts without complaint you must have done an admirable job of burning meat :-)


earnestshub profile image

earnestshub 5 years ago from Melbourne Australia Author

Hi agvulpes, I can burn meat with the best of em!

The little ones were easy to force feed the charred remains to, I just threaten to cook again if they don't eat it this time. I have no idea what my daughter did with hers, but Jessie the dog could have been the real recipient!


davidrio profile image

davidrio 5 years ago from Lisbon

earnest isn`t it rainning a lot in Australia these days for barbecues? Probably you live at a hotter region


American_Choices profile image

American_Choices 5 years ago from USA

Perfect Hub - Perfect location - Perfect Food - oh, so much fun!

Love the beer cleaning idea - this is great! Or is it a great excuse?!


esatchel profile image

esatchel 5 years ago from Kentucky

Funny! Men and fire - if there's a barbecue or fire pit, you can bet there's a least one man standing nearby.


KoffeeKlatch Gals profile image

KoffeeKlatch Gals 5 years ago from Sunny Florida

Ha, Ha, Ha. Laughing out loud. My husband is the barbeque king. He is secretive about his method and to tell the truth I leave him alone. Afterall, I don't have to cook. Love your title.


Lady Guinevere profile image

Lady Guinevere 5 years ago from West Virginia

Very funny Earnest!! About that Beer---it is a VERY good and tasty marinade for all kinds of meat.


GusTheRedneck profile image

GusTheRedneck 5 years ago from USA

Howdy earnestshub - Your BBQ sounds almost like too much fun to ruin it with good food! This is a "cool" hot article. Thanks.\Gus :-)))


Rod Marsden profile image

Rod Marsden 5 years ago from Wollongong, NSW, Australia

Not bad ernest.

I look at the burning of meat in my hub Christmas is a beach and then you fry though I don't go into as much detail as you do. I never went into the beer ritual. How un-Australian of me.


earnestshub profile image

earnestshub 5 years ago from Melbourne Australia Author

Hello Davidrio, It has stopped raining in Melbourne at least long enough for a barbecue, but you are correct. The floods up North are enormous, covering Queensland for thousands of miles, and I was flooded myself last week. My carpet has just finished drying out.


earnestshub profile image

earnestshub 5 years ago from Melbourne Australia Author

Hi American_choices. You are on to us! The beer is an excuse.

Water works just as well to clean a barbecue!


earnestshub profile image

earnestshub 5 years ago from Melbourne Australia Author

Great observation esatchel. We men are all just little boys when we see flames. We can't resist poking an open fire either.


earnestshub profile image

earnestshub 5 years ago from Melbourne Australia Author

KoffeeKlatch Gals I am always happy to get a laugh.

If you can avoid cooking for one day or night that is a bonus, so I can understand you not wanting to upset the ritual.

I'm glad you like the title. Happy New Year!


earnestshub profile image

earnestshub 5 years ago from Melbourne Australia Author

Lady Guinevere I know that beer is versatile, but some guys I know would bath in beer if their wives let em!

Lovely to see you, Have a happy and prosperous new year M'Lady.


earnestshub profile image

earnestshub 5 years ago from Melbourne Australia Author

Hi Gus, so your theory is that good food could ruin the atmosphere of an otherwise excellent barbecue? That explains so much about us. I reckon you're 100% right myself.

I hope you have a fabulous New Year.


earnestshub profile image

earnestshub 5 years ago from Melbourne Australia Author

Hey Ron! I must read that hub. I am a bit worried about fellow Australians who miss the beer ritual. Still, we don't use it as suntan lotion yet.

Thanks for the giggle! You Australians are funny!


Lady Guinevere profile image

Lady Guinevere 5 years ago from West Virginia

hahahahahahaha!! You have a grand new year too!


Denise Handlon profile image

Denise Handlon 5 years ago from North Carolina

You're funny! I enjoyed the chuckle. Thanks.


earnestshub profile image

earnestshub 5 years ago from Melbourne Australia Author

You're welcome Denise, a good chuckle only hurts with acute appendicitis, otherwise it's all good!


Rod Marsden profile image

Rod Marsden 5 years ago from Wollongong, NSW, Australia

It is all good anyway earnest.


Feline Prophet profile image

Feline Prophet 5 years ago from India

Sounds like you are a handy man to have around! :)


earnestshub profile image

earnestshub 5 years ago from Melbourne Australia Author

Yes my feline friend, I am a legend in my own lunchtime! I can burn meat and throw beer on a hotplate. In Australia that means being multi-talented.


Hello, hello, profile image

Hello, hello, 5 years ago from London, UK

Thank you, Earnest, for a enjoyable read and good laugh.


earnestshub profile image

earnestshub 5 years ago from Melbourne Australia Author

Thank you Hello, hello. I'm glad you enjoyed it. Happy New Year. I hope you have a fantastic 2011.


mypleasurefantasy profile image

mypleasurefantasy 5 years ago from Virginia Beach

such an immensly enjoyable read and quite hilarious!!! Thanks for the great read


crazybeanrider profile image

crazybeanrider 5 years ago from Washington MI

Your meat burning event sounds like a blast, I think I'll have my dad crank out his little homemade grill so we can have a weenie roast, who cares it's 8 degrees here in my neck of the woods. Enjoyable read, made me smile, and I so needed that today! :)


earnestshub profile image

earnestshub 5 years ago from Melbourne Australia Author

Thanks MPF, I an very pleased you enjoyed it. I am also pleased that it was timely for you. I think a smile starts the day well for all of us.


earnestshub profile image

earnestshub 5 years ago from Melbourne Australia Author

Hi CBR, burning meat can be done at any temperature I reckon. Sounds like a good plan to me!


datahound profile image

datahound 5 years ago from USA

Good hub. Amazing your description of the male's role and behaviors with a grill stand true on the other side of the world as well. Must be genetic. thanks.


earnestshub profile image

earnestshub 5 years ago from Melbourne Australia Author

Thanks datahound. You are spot on with this comment. When I traveled across America the barbecues were the same as here.

Men burning meat!


RedElf profile image

RedElf 5 years ago from Canada

Earnest I saw your title on the front page and had to come and read this. We have similar traditions of men burning meat on the BBQ (with beer in hand) in some parts of Canada - notably where I live now. My son and his wife have only two real hard and fast rules - he doesn't touch her washing machine, and she doesn't touch his BBQ - it has stood them well over almost 18 years of marriage. He can burn meat on the BBQ anytime, too. :D:D:D


davidrio profile image

davidrio 5 years ago from Lisbon

Even by accident you might have created a new recipe:)


earnestshub profile image

earnestshub 5 years ago from Melbourne Australia Author

Thanks RedElf. I have seen several people with rules like this. My daughter for example, refuses to touch the BBQ herself. The beer in hand seems to be universal as well. Great comment.


earnestshub profile image

earnestshub 5 years ago from Melbourne Australia Author

Hi David, I sincerely hope not!

As a cook I lack the vital ingredient.

Knowing what in hell I'm doing for starters!


The How To Hub profile image

The How To Hub 5 years ago from Australia

har har classic hub....it's only funny cause it true...universally that is! I have a couple of mates who polish and protect their bbq's like you described and that always makes me giggle :) If it helps, I have been a couple of bbq's where the meat was under done, and I have to say I'd prefer my meat burnt to bleating any day. Take care, Shaye


earnestshub profile image

earnestshub 5 years ago from Melbourne Australia Author

Thanks for that Shaye! I appreciate your confirmation of something I had suspected to be true.

I have traveled a bit and believe that people are all alike in some ways, and this looks like a wwmt (World-Wide Man Thing.)

I like all the high quality cuts medium rare, but ordinary BBQ meat ain't gonna be bleating after I've burnt it.


oliversmum profile image

oliversmum 5 years ago from australia

earnestshub Hi. What a great hub and funny.

A BBQ in not a BBQ without at least some burnt meat.

What I am not fussed about ,is when it is burnt on the outside and raw in the middle,yuck.

You must be a very special Grandfather to get your Grandchildren to eat burnt meat, ours would not even look at it.

I loved reading about your BBQ skills, it put a big smile on my face.

Thanks for sharing it with us. Voted up. :) :)


earnestshub profile image

earnestshub 5 years ago from Melbourne Australia Author

Thank you Oliversmum!

I had a lot of fun with this, my BBQ skills are sadly lacking!

MY g/kids eat my burnt meat or else I whip them and torture their toy dolls!


Wesman Todd Shaw profile image

Wesman Todd Shaw 5 years ago from Kaufman, Texas

I never get tired of burned meat. Here in Texas we've a huge Mexican American population, obviously - and they tend to flavour things a bit differently.

It's got to where I only really use salt, lime, and (maybe) Louisiana Hot Sauce on beef. I'll try most any spice, glaze, or sauce on chicken, pork or anything else that Bungalo Bill has killed for us.

Beer? I'm not certain, but were I to run out of it, I might refuse to eat, and possibly stop breathing as well.


earnestshub profile image

earnestshub 5 years ago from Melbourne Australia Author

I like to taste my meat as well, so I am not a big fan of drowning it in sauce and spices.

Beer?

It is said that Australians can go 4 days without water, but only one day without beer.

Evidently we lose the will to live after that!

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