My Wife's Cranberry Cookie Recipe

Cookies cooling on the oven
Cookies cooling on the oven | Source
Murdered by my Taco
Murdered by my Taco | Source

My cooking accolades

First off I want to say that I cannot cook. One day I made Taco's for my wife. She sat down and lovingly tried to eat them, but gave up and put them out for the birds. When the birds wouldn't eat them she buried them out in the garden for mulch. Nothing grew in that spot for two years, hmm ... go figure?

When my daughter was little I cooked her up some hot dogs, macaroni's and peas. I place her meal on the tray of her high chair. She curled her little nose at them and soon I heard her laughing hysterically. I came into the kitchen to find out she was actually an artist / interior decorator. She decorated the walls and kitchen cabinets in the most appealing artistic patterns of greens and yellows, laced with red ketchup. I was impressed and put a big blue star on the fridge for her beautiful achievement. Then I hurried and cleaned it all up before the wife came home and we were both in trouble. My wife wouldn't understand the wonderful achievement that our daughter had performed, finding out that day that her true calling was food fights.

Please no more cooking!
Please no more cooking! | Source

Petition to Cease and Desist

After the family returned home from the food poison clinic, I decided to use my raw talents in other directions. We now have a nuclear green line painted on the floor around the stove and the oven in our kitchen which I graciously vowed to never cross, as I signed the wife's cease and desist order.

Fortunately for our family my wife is a very good cook. Below is her recipe for cranberry cookies. She makes these cookies from scratch. I like to eat them when they first come out of the oven and are still hot.

Cake flour
Cake flour | Source
Prep time: 2 hours 30 min
Cook time: 25 min
Ready in: 2 hours 55 min
Yields: makes one large tray of cookies
  • 1 stick butter
  • 1/2 cup sugar
  • 2 eggs
  • 1 cup Craisins, chopped
  • 2 cups cake flour
  1. Mix and stir butter and sugar together into a pan.
  2. Add eggs into the pan
  3. Add chopped Craisins into the pan
  4. Sift flour into mixture in the pan
  5. Put in refrigerator for 2 1/2 hours or until it begins to darken
  6. Bake at 280 degrees for 25 minutes
  7. cool and eat

Please rate this cookie recipe

Cast your vote for Cranberry Cookies

The cooled cookies

Cranberry cookies
Cranberry cookies | Source

The taste test

I took some of the cookies to work one day and a few of my co-workers tried them. They love the cookies and are always asking me if I have any to share. One of my co-workers suggested that my wife sell them online. I went home and told her this and she asked if they wanted to buy any. No, they want us to sell them to others and eat theirs for free. These cookies are not too sweet, just sweet enough to taste great. The cookies would never last long enough to sell anyway because I like to eat them as fast as they come out of the oven. At least until my wife chases me out of the kitchen and back across the infamous green line. So rather then sell the cookies I'll just give away the recipe and that way I don't have to share.

Using the same recipe you can switch the Craisins to another type of fruit or sweet to make cookies. Such as raisin cookies or raspberry cookies, even blueberry cookies. Simply use the same amount of the other fruit as the recipe calls for Craisins. The recipe is a general cookie recipe that can be used in many ways. Experiment with it to come up with all kinds of different tastes.

Nutritional value ... who cares?

These are not diet cookies and I don't know the nutritional value of them. Personally I don't care. They taste great and that's all I need to know. Besides, I'm skinny as a rail anyway and they haven't changed that one iota. Lately I have resorted to hiding the cookies from my co-workers, because when I'm not watching they eat them all. I began by hiding them in my desk so I can sneak or cookie or two while I am pretending to work. But, those moochers found them and ate them when I walked away from my desk to actually do some work. So, I got smart and locked them in a filing cabinet. I thought ha, ha I'll teach them. They'll never find the cookies now. Then I had to go to the computer room to make some copies and forgot the keys on my desk. Wouldn't you know, when I returned with copies in hand and a crooked smile on my face, I found the filing cabinet open and the cookies were almost gone. My buddy was snickering while quickly chewing. "Cookie thief", I shouted, "you found my cookie stash!" Then my boss walked in and asked what the problem was. We acted all innocent and said just celebrating because of the big sale we just made - whew (wiping my brow). She was happy and asked for a cookie. And there went the rest of my stash. Trials and tribulations of the yummy cookies. So I quit my job and now I horde all the cookies in my home office. I ate and ate them until something strange happened? I heard a bubbling rumble sound coming from my belly and suddenly made a mad dash for the toilet. So I bring you the next part of my ode to the cookie.

The infamous Tour 'de Loo

When you have successfully hidden your stash of cranberry cookies from your hungry friends and devoured them all in record time. You may find you don't feel so good anymore and its not just from the guilt of being greedy, as your bowels churn with that old nauseous tingle. Just take a stroll out back and perch yourself in your favorite position in one of these beautiful Bordeaux's. Eat too many ... not to fear, you're in luck my friends there is a cure.

And so we bring the Tour 'de Loo.

The Traditional

The Traditional Privy, non of the comforts of home, but when you gotta go you gotta go.
The Traditional Privy, non of the comforts of home, but when you gotta go you gotta go. | Source

The cure for the bubbling sound in your belly

The latest invention for the avid cookie eater on the run.

First we give you the Traditional. A classic outhouse if there ever was one. Non of the comforts of home with all the basic necessities for the man on run with the runs.

The Traditional is a basic model that will create an eyesore sure to keep your neighbors away from your precious stash of cookies.

The Constitutional

Have a seat on the patriotic throne.
Have a seat on the patriotic throne. | Source

The Constitutional

Next we bring you the Constitutional aka The Thomas Jefferson, for the patriot in all of us. Perfect for your morning constitutional. While farting the national anthem with a mouth full of cookies. A museum piece to thrill the neighborhood, for sure. This hallowed throne fit for a king will cure your cookie blues or green gills, whatever the case may be. American flags sold separately to decorate your stately abode.

Avian the crapper with class

The prestigious privy.
The prestigious privy. | Source

The Avian Crapper

The Avian crapper is for the bird watcher. With a working weather vane and cupola to alert your friends and neighbors to stay down wind as wind passes. The prized privy of park rangers to watch the foul movement of the illusive Double Breasted Mattress Thrasher as he flies overhead while nature calls. You can hear the beautiful birds singing songs of love to the low rumble from below. This one is a classic for the nature lover, just don't let the birds catch sight of your treasure trove of cookies. If they should remember to stay under the smartly curved roof of your stick built privy.

The Tundra

For icy early morning duty.
For icy early morning duty. | Source

The Tundra

Lo and behold we bring you the Tundra for the eskimo in everyone. For those icy morning maneuvers this frost bitten bordeaux will come in handy as duty calls. Did I mention that the cookies are also delicious when frozen? A cold delight to dazzle the tongue and tickle the tummy. After a dozen or so of those ice cold delights you will be ready to visit the Tundra. Remember to wear your best long Johns for your brisk trip to this John. And forget the paperwork, in this popsicle palace paper is not needed.

The Intellectual

The outhouse with a choice (instructions included).
The outhouse with a choice (instructions included). | Source

The famous Intellectual

No need to take the newspaper to this lavatory, as the reading material is already provided. Our finest model smartly suited for the bookworm. This is the latrine with a choice. Immerse yourself in the fine reading material. No boredom here, the colorful privy of the stars. Go ahead and toot your horn, then pick the color of your choice. More than this one couldn't ask for. The Intellectual is an institution unto itself. Can you just imagine it strategically placed next to your favorite university or corn field? An ingenious innovation to say the least. I'm sure you will agree. Remember to bring along your glasses on your visit to this water-less WC.

The Squat House

A favorite at rodeos.
A favorite at rodeos. | Source

The Squat House

No need for pretense here. A favorite at rodeos and sure to impress the ladies. For the rugged man who has no time for trivialities. Just bend over and her rip. Please remember to pull your pants down first. I'm sorry to inform you that we are on back order for these rare beauties. The popularity of the Squat House exceeds our ability to build and ship them. When you have one of these in your back yard you may be the envy of the neighborhood. And you may find that you suddenly have many new friends who are just dying to experience your Squat House. Your house may well become the talk of the town. Good luck my friends and enjoy. Please use care to keep your shoes out of your line of fire.

The entrepreneur

Double Decker Loo with a view.
Double Decker Loo with a view. | Source

The Entrepreneur

This is the privy for the business minded to do their business. Charging 50 cents for the Loo with a view. A nickle for the lower berth with an offer of an umbrella to keep out the elements from above. 10 cents for a colorful umbrella and a mere 30 cents for the umbrella without a hole. A dream come true. You're sure to make a pile.

The umbrella bucket is strategically placed next to the door of the Lower Berth. The umbrella without a hole can be hidden behind the counter where the entrance fee is collected. Please remember to finish all paper work before existing.

Said to be the original community "Coin Crapper" used on Pennsylvania Ave, before the White House was built. This is a well built privy with a stately design that displays your blue blooded wealth and breeding. They say that this was how Nelson Rockefeller started out.

The Sun Worshiper

Get a tan while going to the can.
Get a tan while going to the can. | Source

The Sun Worshiper

Last but not least is the Sun Worshiper. Now you can get a tan while going to the can. It;s a beautiful thing. Perfect for the outdoors man who loves the full glory of nature while answering the call of nature.

Sure to bring a rousing cheer from the pretentious snobs attending the neighbor's tea and crumpet social gathering next door. And when not in use it can double as a place to hold the neighbor's croquet balls and mallet.

Warning from the Surgeon General, please remember to apply sunscreen SFP 30 or higher when visiting the Sun Worshiper.

Tour of the Outhouse Museum

The Outhouse Museum

Now to cap off this delightful webpage about cookies and outhouses I share with you a tour of the outhouse museum located in the hometown of Dan Quayle. Watch the movie and bask in the history and glory of the various styles of the restroom of yesteryear.

After watching the movie please take a moment to view our potty poll and check off which one of these stately structures is your favorite privy. Please take your time, as I know it's a difficult choice. They are all so inviting. Thank you for reading my silly hub page. I hope you enjoyed it. Even though most of the hub is a joke, the cookie recipe is real and the cookies are very tasty.

Potty Poll

Which privy is your personal favorite?

  • The Traditional
  • The Constitutional
  • The Avian
  • The Tundra
  • The Intellectual
  • The Squat House
  • The Entrepreneur
  • The Sun Worshiper
See results without voting

© 2015 Randy Hirneisen

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2 comments

Hannah David Cini profile image

Hannah David Cini 21 months ago from Nottingham

This recipe looks lovely and the privvy slide show after made me giggle. Great hub thanks for writing. :)


Randy Horizon profile image

Randy Horizon 21 months ago from Philadelphia Author

Your welcome Hannah. The recipe is very good and it was lots of fun to write.

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