Redneck Recipe # 6 - "The German Redneck" and Old Country Red Cabbage Recipe
From Gus’s Redneck’s Kitchen (Specializing in Bait, Tackle and Haute Cuisine)
For folks who like funny country stories and great country food all on the same plate
The German Redneck
Yes. There are such people. Here they mostly live in places like Schulenburg and Fredericksburg, Texas, just to name two places close at hand. They smile when they hear, often repetitively, that lame, old joke, "Do you know what they say in the old country? They say that it is getting mighty doggone old over here."
This is the story about a German redneck employee of the now huge H. E. Butt grocery outfit that started its thing up in Fredericksburg.
The fellow’s name is Lem Schwiegermutter. If that were not enough to hang on a guy, the "H-E-B" chain (as it is now known) moved Lem on down to Schulenburg from Fredericksburg, there to clerk at its newly opened supermarket style grocery and whatever-else-fits-on-the-shelf store.
This uprooted German redneck had a difficult time writing letters. In fact, his being close to actual illiteracy was one of the prime reasons for Lem Schwiegermutter’s transfer from Fredericksburg to Schulenburg.
He wanted to send a note to his girlfriend back in Fredericksburg shortly after arriving in Schulenburg. Lem sought the help of the friendly librarian lady who acted as a sort of scribe-for-hire, assisting many of the locals in their correspondences.
Lem - "I vud like for you to give to me advises for sending to the girlfriend nice letter"
Lib - "Sure, Lem, what are we going to tell that gal?"
Lem - "Vell, schtart like zis: Dear Rosalindahilda, Herman E. Butt und Schtores, now of name H-E-B und like zat, has move Lem Schwiegermutter from Fredericksburg to town Schulenburg und no more close by dear Rosalindahilda."
And it went on like that for a spell (pardon the pun) with Lem feeding stuff to the librarian lady and with she writing it all down so that Lem Schwiegermutter could send it back to Fredericksburg from Schulenburg the first thing after payday.
Lem licked some stamps finally and sent his lament on up the way to his girlfriend, Rosalindahilda, of Fredericksburg, who, being quick on her feet, had already gotten a new boyfriend to replace Lem Schwiegermutter. She sent a note to Lem that explained this rather concisely.
Lem carried the note over to the librarian for her help in reading the thing.
Lib looked the note over quickly enough and thought to herself, "How does one read a ‘Dear John’ letter to Lem Schwiegermutter now of Schulenburg from dear Rosalindahilda still in Fredericksburg without fracturing one’s tongue?"
Old Country Red Cabbage
This is truly fine to go with any kind of pork roast, pork chops, or baked ham.
Quarter, core, and thin-slice a head of red cabbage.
Chop a good-sized onion.
Chop up about 1/4 to ½ pound of bacon or its equivalent of ham. Put the bacon or ham into an 8 to 10 quart stock pot with about 3 tablespoons of butter or margarine and put enough heat to it such that the meat gets mostly "done."
Lower the heat and add the chopped cabbage and onion.
Then add a medium jar of applesauce, 1/4 to ½ teaspoon of ground cloves, a shake or two of black pepper, 1 teaspoon of sugar, and 3/4 cup of lemon juice (or 1/4 cup of vinegar if you prefer).
Also, you can peel and core and thin-slice 3 or 4 apples and substitute them for the applesauce.
Cook this over low heat for an hour or two. Stir it now and then to keep it from burning or sticking. If things get too dry, you can add some more lemon juice (or vinegar) as needed.
Super when refrigerated until next day and re-heated. This stuff will freeze for 6 months or longer, so you can’t make "too much."
More of Gus’s Redneck Recipes are here on Hubpages.
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