Should The Egg Bagel Be On The Endangered Species List?
Some might say that being Jewish has nothing to do with it but then I would disagree with those people (not uncommon if you read my blogs). On a recent Sunday morning I decided that although I’m a good 25 pounds overweight and knew it would throw me into a day of on the sofa sleeping and cable, I didn’t care, I was going to have a bagel with lox, cream cheese and the whole dealio. Now I have refrained from having these fixings (aside from a sad jar of capers from 1972 in my frige) so I knew I would have to go somewhere and just have them make my guilty pleasure for me. After debating the empty calories I was about to consume with my spouse (who eats anything he wants and still remains firmly intact) I asked if he wanted anything. All he was looking for was an egg bagel. Simple enough, right? Apparently not so simple, not so simple enough to make me wonder, “Should the egg bagel be on the endangered species list?” – Don’t Get Me Started!
I had other errands to run but make no mistake about it, the bagel business was the most important. I went to Einstein Bagels (who for those four people who don’t know, is a big chain bagel emporium). As I ordered my bagel with lox (the part I was going to be the more difficult) the boy with the plastic gloves took my order and then when I asked for the egg bagel he just stared at me. Finally words formed and he said, “We don’t make egg bagels.” Hmmm. Well, I wasn’t going to leave without my bagel and lox so I decided to get that there and then go to the grocery store across the street for the egg bagel (they have their own bakery in the grocery store where they make their own bagels). I walked to the bakery department at the back of the grocery store to find that much like Old Mother Hubbard, the cupboard was bare. That’s right, apparently they hadn’t made the bagels for the day yet so strike two. As I walked disgustedly out of the grocery store to my car it dawned on me that what I should have done all along was to go to the Jewish deli for all of it. You see other than the Bernie Madoff incident, we Jews know that when it comes to certain things you should only trust a fellow Jew. So as I raced into the deli and sailed past the old Jews who were hacking, arguing that the price of ruggulah had gone up four cents, I found a counter guy who was free. As he asked me what I wanted, I looked down only to find the basket that normally held the egg bagels was empty. In fact it was the only empty basket in the entire case which housed something like twelve hundred baskets of bagels that ranged in variety from plain to spinach with feta cheese. I’m sure my face had that look of a woman in her forties who has raised her kids and just found out she’s having twins (okay, a little too Desperate Housewives even for me). I guess the guy behind the counter saw my devastation when he told me they were sold out because he quickly agreed to go to the back to see if there were any more. When Jacob, Solomon or whatever the hell Jewish name this kid had came from the back with a full basket of egg bagels I wanted to not only thank him but move in with his parents (this deli is in a very influential neighborhood and I’m sure Jacob’s parents were loaded. Who cares that he wasn’t gay or that I wasn’t in the market, I was all ready imagining his mother’s brisket for Friday night dinner and whitefish on Sundays). And just like it made you uncomfortable reading that, it did the same for Jacob, he told me to meet him at the front counter to pay.
Now some may think that it was just my timing for the grocery store, my inability to be observant the last time I went to Einstein Bagels that they didn’t carry egg bagels but that is just too easy an answer. No, I’m not sure why but I think that there’s some dastardly plan in place to rid the world of egg bagels. Maybe they’ve discovered that bagels just don’t like to mate with eggs, I mean anything is possible, right? But I can’t sit back quietly and do nothing. I must kvetch. I kvetch to know that I’m alive. And who knows, maybe it’s just that egg bagels are so popular that they’re the first to go and they’re not on an endangered list at all but I can tell you this, the next time I want anything bagel oriented, I’ve learned my lesson. No more grocery stores or chain bagelries for this Jew, nope, I’m going direct to the source (like us Jews do, we’re all about G-d, not his son – always go to the Jew in charge) next Sunday when I need bagels I’ll do what we Jews always talk about on the holidays…Next Sunday in the holy land…the deli! Should the egg bagel be on the endangered species list? – Don’t Get Me Started!
More by this Author
I know this will shock many of you (as it has shocked me) that for years (yes, years) I have not received an International Male catalog. I almost thought they must be out of business. For those six people who are...
Here I thought that there would be certain phrases that we would never have to hear again. You know, like "Cowabunga" from when the Simpsons first came out or "What's uaaaaaaaaaaap?" from that...