Speedy Southwest Chile Pepper Supper -The Best Way to Hide the Bodies
Once again I find myself held captive in the kitchen. We have to eat and the food lives here so I can’t leave. I can feel the oxygen depleting, the walls closing in, hear the echoes of a freedom I once knew whispering bye bye. I know just who is to blame.
Do you see that smarmy guy over there?
Right over there, in the windowsill, that arrogant smile having, shades wearing in the house, toxic, hard core criminal, chili pepper dude?
He mocks me, him and all of his friends. They have taken over my yard and my kitchen, mercilessly, never giving me a moments peace.
As I gaze upon him I know him as my enemy. He is the jailer that holds me bound to this wretched place. And he likes it!
Worst of all I know him to be the nemesis of my own creation.
You see, this all began back in the spring. My family and I made what we thought to be a healthy and responsible, even patriotic decision.
We would take control of not only our diet, but also reign in the grocery bill, and help the environment all at the same time.
We were putting in a garden. What could possibly bite me in the ass on this one? It was perfect, a win-win situation with no down side.
We selected the perfect spot, tilled the soil, weeded, bordered, rowed, hoed, bled a little, and finally after buckets of sweat and too much adieu, we were able to plant. I was so excited. I rushed out everyday to check on each and every little plant. “Good morning, Thai Basil.
Aren’t you lovely today with your purple flowers? You know purple are my favorites. Hello, Peppermint. My goodness, look at you. You’re just taking off going out in every direction. Well, Mr. Squash, if your leaves get any bigger you will look like a tropical tree.”
I was so pleased with them, how each was growing and thriving, like a proud parent you might say.
Looking back now as I stand in my kitchen, refusing to let this damn pepper see me sweat, I see where I went horribly wrong. I should have known. I went to the Evil Empire. You know, Wal-Mart, for groceries and as usual got ticked off over pricing.
Bell peppers, peppers in general, are a staple around our home. When seeing the price of individual peppers it occurred to me peppers would be a great addition to our little family plot, so instead of plopping peppers into my cart, I made a beeline out to the garden center.
Sure enough there were peppers of all kinds, the succulent sweet red bells, the glowing golden ones, the pretty gypsies, even the local boy, the jalapeno, and the beloved cayenne that reminded me so of home.
They were an entire family of little baby peppers sitting there all alone on the shelf looking so cute in their tiny little babyness. Who was I to break up a family? I got them all.
It never occurred to me to question the character of any of them. I loved them all equally giving each their own location within our precious garden. It didn’t take long to notice how two in particular began to overpower their neighbors, encroaching upon the space of others.
I shrugged it off thinking boys will be boys (You didn’t know? Jalapenos and Cyannes are inherently male.) Not only did they spread into other’s space, but shot up so fast they even hogged up all the sunlight shading the poor other plants. Again I tried to make excuses for them. It’s not like it was their fault they were growing so well.
One morning, much to my dismay, I noticed something had been eating my dear plants! The tempting tomato I was planning to pick was toast.
The leaves of our comely cucumbers had been crunched on. Eggplants were eaten! Watermelon was wasted! ARG!
My frustration reached a boiling point as I inventoried the damage. Spinning slowly, surveying the carnage, I noticed two lone soldiers unscathed. Go figure, it was the brothers bad. Pico and Chico and Jose I had named them. I should have known then, when even the critters would not touch them, that something evil therein lurked.
As the summer stretched on and Texas temperatures rose, my adored plants suffered producing less and less… except for two. The brother’s bad had come into their own.
While innocent foliage withered and fruit languished on the vine those two flourished seeming to feed off the misery of the surrounding souls. Every day they threw out more and more peppers of longer and longer lengths until very quickly we were overrun with their insidious offspring.
(Point of clarification - There are two types of pepper plants involved in this treachery. One is a Jalapeno, Jose, and Pico and Chico are Cayenne).
At this point you’re probably thinking, Vix, you have lost your mind. Gardens are planted with the soul intention of producing. This is why you went to all the trouble.
You don’t understand. The quantity these two goons cranked out was mightily impressive. Yes, indeed it was.
The problem lay within the fruit itself. Every molecule, every fiber, seed, modicum of moisture and speck of meat was lethal in a multitude of ways as if genetically designed to be the perfect organic assassin.
The tiniest sliver imaginable just brushed against the lips brought blisters. The seeds held heat comparable to that produced by a small volcano.
Worse, just touching them would leave an invisible oil on hands and fingers that over a short amount of time absorbed through vulnerable skin to burn for hours no matter how much soap and water was desperately deployed.
I began to have to wear amour in my own kitchen. It was then I knew we were at war. It was me against the brothers bad.
It occurred to me to just throw them all away, let the trashcan be my savior. There was no way I could do that without being caught.
You see after all the work invested in our little family garden, the family actually expected to eat it. That meant all of it especially with many plants suffering and producing so little. T
he brothers bad were entrenched and I could not roust them to reclaim the ground that had at one time been mine. I began to search for ways to “dispose” of the brothers.
And that brought me to where I stand right now. Funny, it seems like I was just imprisoned here yesterday, and the day before that, and the day before that. You see the brothers pile up, growing daily, becoming a glaring sign to my family of bounty. How can I suggest going to a restaurant when we have all this food just sitting here waiting to go bad? I have to use it. I have no choice.
Fine. I firmly decide as of this moment to be the master of my fate. I will take back my home! The only chance I have for success is a massive victory, one that decimates my enemy completely taking out all of his troops at once. How on earth will I ever distribute that much heat into something we can actually consume and survive all at the same time?
The battle strategy is simple really. A strategic offense of a meal, so hot, so spicy, so southwest, so badass it can stand up to the brothers bad and get away with it!
This military triumph of a meal shall live on long past the battle, enshrined in the freezer, to allow for glorious celebrations commemorating the destruction of the brothers bad for many suppers to come.
Let the battle begin!
Ranch Hand Roundup
1 lb. hamburger
1 lg. onion
2 Jalapeños (2 bothers bad, four to six normal peppers of the mortal variety)
2 Cayenne peppers (see above)
2 teaspoons liquid smoke
1 green bell pepper
1 red bell pepper
2 cans pork and beans
1 tablespoon honey barbeque sauce (Hickory smoke bbq works well too)
¼ cup brown sugar
1 - 2 cloves garlic
1 squirt ketchup
Shredded cheese (Colby, Monterey jack, or cheddar, all work) (optional)
Large skillet with lid
What you actually have to do:
Brown and drain hamburger putting it to the side. Arm yourself for battle. Place the biohazard sign in the entrance to the kitchen.
Put on your safety goggles and gloves. Rough chop the onion and bell peppers. Finely mince the garlic, jalapenos and cayenne. Grasp the two peppers with towel when cutting.
Don’t trust the gloves as your only protection. Do NOT touch your eyes, hence the safety goggles. If you happen to get touched ANYWHERE by any remnant of the pepper, rinse in cold water immediately.
Do not wash or rub as it will only speed the absorption into your skin… Just rinse! Rinse the knife after use as the heat might melt the blade. Dispose of all seeds!
In skillet cook onion, bells, and peppers until onion becomes translucent. Add in garlic, hamburger, pork and beans and remaining ingredients stirring all into a molten pot of homemade Texas fire. Simmer for 30 - 40 min. Sprinkle cheese on top and serve.
To balance all this heat try serving with cold foods.
Cucumber salad and fresh chilled melon balls
Garden salad and coleslaw
Frozen water melon margarita
© Vix - a.k.a. Rhonda Enrayne Star date 7-21-11
Evidence of the nefariousness of Jalapeno and Cayenne peppers abounds. Just look at the disreputable business endeavors they try to get young virgins to pursue!
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