The Weird World of Hot Sauce and The Strangest Hot Sauce Names

Be a man! Have some hot sauce!
Be a man! Have some hot sauce!

We live in a world comprised of worlds, ladies and gentlemen. Worlds surround us and we aren't even aware of their presence until some force, need, or lack brings us out of our stupor into one of those often strange, often wonderful worlds. I'm not talking about the time I contracted syphilis, no sir, I'm talking about the world of hot sauce. Tabasco had finally stopped being a scorcher for me, so I decided, "I'm gonna get me something stronger!" That's when I stumbled into this bizarre world, soaked in machismo, diarrhea jokes, and scoville units. I may be no expert, but allow me to give you a little initiation into this weird world with the eyes of an outsider.

The Naming of the Sauce

Hot sauces aren't named for elegance. They aren't named for honesty. They're named to challenge you. They challenge you to say, "Yes, I have balls!" and to say, "No, I don't have dignity!" Okay, some of them have nice names, like "Melinda's Original Hot Sauce." But then some are called "Smack My Ass and Call Me Sally." Let's have a look at some of the wackiest names.

Note: From here on out, 'ass' will be replaced with 'Smurf'. Sorry, but Google AdSense makes me do it.

Colon Blow: A Red Haberno Enema. You ever meet someone who feels the need to explain the punchlines of his jokes, no matter how obvious? Well, meet Colon Blow. Just in case you didn't get the idea, they generously choose to explain the 'Colon Blow' in a handy subtitle. But why would you want that to be your main point of advertising? Any marketing guru will tell you the name is key. It conveys the essence of the product. Colon Blow flushed that key down the toilet and warned you "Do NOT go in there." The essence of the product is, apparently, the nightmarish pandemonium it will unleash within your bowels like the ninth circle of hell.

[Smurf] in Antarctica/[Smurf] in the Tub Hot Sauce. Y'see, Smurf in Antarctica is an upgrade of Smurf in the Tub. When you only have to put your Smurf in a tub, it hasn't been sufficiently inflamed by the fires of hell pouring liquid form through its raw gates to transform it into a wasteland salamander paradise. The upgrade promises your Smurf will require the whole of antarctica to make it feel alive again. Your Smurf will singlehandedly cause a spike in global warming after a good squirt of Smurf in Antarctica. That's what we're talkin' about here.

Screaming Sphincter Hot Sauce. Y'know, Freud might have something to say about these hot sauce names. There's a definite anal fixation here. Yes, this sauce is so hot it will make the very muscular device that controls your Smurf dialation scream into the depths of the night. There you go. The same goes for Butt Pucker Hot Sauce, Flamin' Flatulence, [Smurf] Reaper, ANALize This (I wish I were making that up), and many others. There will be no trace of feces or dignity left anywhere in your system once you've sampled some of these badboys.

Baboon [Smurf] Gone Rabid Hot Sauce. I've been told that this sauce actually tastes quite good. I'm not sure how I'd feel about requesting an extra helping of Baboon Ass (whoops!) on my pork chop. I have to admire their ability to carry the baboon theme into going rabid. Fortunately the smurfin' leitmotif is sacrificed by this point.

Hog's [Smurf] Haberno Hot Sauce. What the smurf? Another smurfin' animal smurf sauce! I'm not sure what this one is promising. Is a hog's dirty smurfwagon a particularly tongue-scorching squirt of smurf? Will it make your mouth feel like hog-smurf? Is a hog-smurf particularly dry and painful most of the time? I don't recall David Attenborough mentioning that. The mysteries of this smurfin' sauce is not for man to fathom.

Okay, enough smurf-related sauces. I think we all get the idea. How about the sexist sauces?

Hot [Chienne] at the Beach Hot Sauce. That's a mouthful. (That's what she said.) You see what's being done there? It's an ironic equivocation, using 'hot' to refer to the girl and the agony it'll inflict on your tongue. The beach imagery, with scorched sands and blistering sun, contributes to the promise. Quite a good name, actually.

Show Your [Bongos] Hot Sauce. I'm not sure what the reasoning behind this one is. Presumably it gets so hot in your mouth, you flash anyone around. Or it'll make women flash you. Or maybe it'll just cause you to sweat profusely, so you have to strip. I dunno. I think it was just an excuse to put a dirty picture on the label.

Then there are the political sauces, sauces that really try to make a statement. Like Bush & Dick Hot Sauce. Get it? George Bush and Dick Cheney, but it sounds like geni--yeah, okay. Or Burn in Hell Osama!!! Hot Sauce. This crazy communist taking the radical position that Osama Bin Laden is evil, right? Note the three exclamation points showing just how deeply held a conviction this is.

Lookin' for somethin' hot, ladies? (I'm such a douche.)
Lookin' for somethin' hot, ladies? (I'm such a douche.)

Bottle Designs

After the name, what'll really catch your eye are some nifty bottle designs. No area of food or beverage puts as much care into bottle designs as that of hot sauce. You can see these in a slideshow on the right.

Caboom Hot Sauce comes in a grenade shell, packed in a crate! That's hardcore.

The HD Heat Hot Sauce bottle is shaped as a biker on his motorcycle. Knowing these hot sauce guys, that's some sort of flatulence joke.

Kiss of Fire Hot Sauce: A giant pair of lips. Just be glad it isn't a puckered smurf.

Goddess of Fire Hot Sauce: A lady in a sexy pose. Surprisingly, not a single diarrhea or fart joke.

Saddam How Hot Is It Now? Hot Sauce comes with some sort of novelty underwear, white briefs just like ol' Saddam wore. "Fart underwear" they call it. Presumably the underwear has a fart button. You can tell they put a lot of thought into that.

Adam Krakatoa, shaped like a male torso.

Eve Krakatoa, shaped like a female torso.

The Embrace, Adam and Eve Krakatoa embrance. How sweet!

Labels

I didn't even mention label designs. These are usually cartoonish, often sexy, sexist, and bizarre.

Poots depicts a cartoon cat with severe diarrhea. "Wow, that's what I aspire to be," is what the prospective buyer thinks. I guess.

The Big Hot One depicts a beautiful woman sensually sucking a hot pepper. But since these sauces apparently unleash the four horsemen of the apocalypse in your intestines, I doubt you'll get a girl anywhere near your pepper after eating this.

Fiery Fart depicts a showgirl in black leather letting loose, well, a fiery fart. So that'll remind you of your wedding night.

Hot for VP depicts Sarah Palin in garters requesting a drill. I'm not ashamed to say I'd oblige.

Hot sauce labels are hours of fun, but this article must come to an end. So let's move on.

Capsaicin, Scoville, and All That

I can't end the article, however, without mentioning what may be the major point of pride for many hot sauce manufacturers: the heat. This heat is generated by capsaicin, a chemical that occurs naturally in peppers and is an irritant to organic tissue. In high enough concentrations it can cause irritation even to skin. Capsaicin concentration is measured in Scoville units. Let's see how hot things can get.

Tabasco, the hottest sauce most of us ever consume, is about 3500 scovilles.
Police pepper spray is 5,300,000 scovilles.

You Can't Handle This Hot Sauce is 80,000, over 20 times Tabasco.
357 Mad Dog is 357,000 scovilles, over 100 times Tabasco.
Dave's Ghost Pepper Naga Jolokia Sauce is 650,000 scovilles.
Blair's Ultra Death Hot Sauce is 1,100,000 scovilles.
Blair's 6 AM Reserve Pepper Extract is 10,000,000 scovilles, twice as powerful as law enforcement grade pepper spray.
Blair's 16 Million Reserve is 16,000,000 scovilles--pure capsaicin, in other words.
Yes, you can buy pure capsaicin. But unless you're Heston Blumenthal, you'll only end up hurting yourself. Seriously, you can get hurt with that stuff. So don't buy it.

So there you go. If you're feeling particularly resentful of your colon, sphincter, anus, or anything thereabouts, just pour some of this stuff down your face-hole and prepare to suffer. As for me, I think I'll stick with Tabasco. That said, if anyone really wants me to try a hot sauce, feel free to send me an unopened bottle and I will certainly try it, record the event, and put the video on this article.

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Comments 52 comments

saddlerider1 profile image

saddlerider1 6 years ago

Well once again you push the Hot button and laughter commences from within. With this kind of humor and almost dying of laughter who needs HOT sauce.

Thank goodness I've not just had some or else I would roll over and die of a heart attack. In my time however I've had my share of hottys my favorite being Louisiana Hot Sauce and Tabasco.

The two are probably the most favorites of all Americans. It appears on most tables in restaurants like sugar bags but without the sweet kick to it. Instead smurf numbing heat that shoots fire out of your smurf like dragons fiery breath on smurfettes in the forest.

The best place to eat Hot Sauce is at Hooters..for some reason they seem to blend well together as you order of those HOT buffalo wings and try to be very manly and not choke on a bone as your face is heating up and your eyes are viewing HOOTERS and your tongue is smacking you in your flush red face..now that's the place to pour on the HOT sauce.

I loved this saucy delight Arthur, you are a maestro with words and I always leave here smiling and most times rolling on the floor. Composure is very difficult after reading one of your hubs I must say:0)


SilverGenes 6 years ago

I like that commanding presence in the photographs. The top photo just dares you - c'mon and step up or ARE YEW CHIKIN? The second photo didn't have that same 3-D effect but it does say 'hot pants' nicely.

As for the Wedding Night sauce... for some of us it will always remain an "if only". But I digress. Hot sauce just makes everything better!

Blair's just scares me. Nothing good comes from Blair anyway - a witch project, exorcisms - bad business all round.

Seriously, I enjoyed every spicy hot moment here and will rate it UP! Meanwhile, here's a little something else to do with hot sauce: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VICaWgD-76w


SilentReed profile image

SilentReed 6 years ago from Philippines

Now I know why women flock to your hubpages. The love for the hot and spicy!


chirls profile image

chirls 6 years ago from Indiana (for now)

Genius hub! I love all the crazy hot sauce names, and the use of the word smurf as a substitution for that other word. I love hot food, but I'm with SilverGenes - planning to stay far, far away from Blair's!


suziecat7 profile image

suziecat7 6 years ago from Asheville, NC

Love this - you are a great writer. Thanks for the smiles.


Nellieanna profile image

Nellieanna 6 years ago from TEXAS

sniff, sniff - you know how much I adore you but you left out some of the most famous of the hottest sauces from TEXAS! I want you to know that it's possible to get a 6-pack gift set consisting of: A Wooden crate Containing Jammin' Jerk, Hurtin' Habanero, Crazy Caribbean, Insanity Sauce, Cool Cayenne Pepper and Hurtin' Jalapeno Hot Sauce.

I realize that the ones you feature (and illustrate so charmingly) are good 'n hot - but you just don't know H-O-T till you sample TEXAS HOT! hehe

Another terrible and wonderful hub, Arthur - and 'bout time, too! I'll forgive you if only because you did write!!


Green Lotus profile image

Green Lotus 6 years ago from Atlanta, GA

I love anything hot and spicy including those spicy hot hubs. Just reading this one made me sweat all over. Shwew!! Cool jeans Art. Personally, I'm big on Louisiana Hot Sauce and hot Indian dishes and relishes which give you the proverbial "stingy bum" the morning after. Nothing like a good cheap colon cleanse.


Arthur Windermere profile image

Arthur Windermere 6 years ago Author

Wow, what a lot of great comments to wake up to.

Hey Saddlerider,

Oh gosh, can you believe I've never been to Hooters? Now there's a wrong that needs righting as soon as possible. Scientific fact: the best remedy for a hot sauce scorched tongue is milk. Just sayin'. hehe

Thanks for dropping by with the great comment. Glad you enjoyed my appreciative tour of the weird world of hot sauce.

Cheers!


joe w bennett profile image

joe w bennett 6 years ago from Clinton, MS, US of A

Great hub, Arthur. I've been into peppers (or is that, peppers have been into me?) since I was a wee lad, and graduated from softies like Tabasco, Louisiana Red and jalapenos to the hard stuff quite a few decades ago. The only thing I don't eat them with is ice cream (I'm still working on that). May I recommend my current fave, the Ghost? While not sure about its being "officially the hottest in the world," its base of Bhut Jolokias are fiery enough for me, and the aftertaste (after you can taste again, several hours and a fire extinguisher or two later) is simply delightful. Try it, but you may want to increase your accidental death coverage first. Keep 'em coming!


Arthur Windermere profile image

Arthur Windermere 6 years ago Author

Hey SilverGenes,

hehehe yeah, exactly; this hot sauce stuff isn't for wimps! Say, was that digression a Sarah Palin moment? Glad you like the pictures. Originally Tabasco graced my manly grip and pants, but I photoshopped in something tougher, more colourful, and actually containing sauce.

That's a great commercial! Someone went a little wild on the foley there, but it works. haha

Thanks for dropping by. Glad you enjoyed the tour. And beware the Blairs.

Cheers!


Arthur Windermere profile image

Arthur Windermere 6 years ago Author

Hey SilentReed,

hehe thanks! In all humility, I think the strong yet sensitive writing, incredible insight, and entertainingly-delivered wisdom also has something to do with it. ;)

Cheers!


tom hellert profile image

tom hellert 6 years ago from home

AW- funny hub- as for the sauce I am a wuss- medium picante sauce is too spicy for me- Hot sauce is like punishmentor a spirit/soul purge-I admire you purveyors of hot sauce It is such a "cool" - well socially cool thing to slather on the hot sauce and watch you sweat saying "oh man this is good " as your folks take a gulp of the ice water- even more fun when you drink your water and beg for mine.. and I laugh - "hahahaha" evily.

good hub TH


Arthur Windermere profile image

Arthur Windermere 6 years ago Author

Hey chirls,

haha yes, good idea: avoid Blair's. Your colon will thank you for it, apparently.

Cheers!


Arthur Windermere profile image

Arthur Windermere 6 years ago Author

Hey suziecat,

Thanks for dropping by and for the kind words. Glad you enjoyed this brief glimpse of the scintillating world of hot sauce.

Cheers!


Arthur Windermere profile image

Arthur Windermere 6 years ago Author

Howdy Nellieanna,

Long time no see! You've been hiding from me. But I did see you called me an amazing genius (seriously folks, those were her words) in the newsletter, so I forgive you. hehehe

Well if someone wants to buy me that six-pack set of sauce, I'll gladly try 'em in a video. Hot sauce isn't expensive, but the shipping is. "Insanity Sauce" -- you must be talkin' Dave's Insanity? I heard good things about that one. But I reackon it'd have steam coming out of my ears. I'm still an amateur in the hot sauce world.

Thanks for droppin' by, little lady.

Cheers!


Arthur Windermere profile image

Arthur Windermere 6 years ago Author

Hey GreenLotus,

Well, if you're gonna be into colonics, might as well do it the right way. hehe

Apparently Asian heat follows a different process. They're oil-based rather than vinegar-based.

Thanks for dropping by. Glad you liked the hub--and the jeans!

Stay spicy!


Arthur Windermere profile image

Arthur Windermere 6 years ago Author

Hey Joe,

Hah! I've done my research and I'm pretty sure I couldn't handle any Jolokia. Apparently Ghost Pepper is the highest naturally-occurring concentration of capsaicin. But, hey, that sounded like a challenge! And Arthur Windermere retreats from no challenge. So I'm gonna get me the Ghost. :D

Cheers!


Arthur Windermere profile image

Arthur Windermere 6 years ago Author

Hey Tom,

haha I don't think I've earned any boasting rights yet, having just mastered Tabasco. But hey, I have to challenge myself if I'm ever to impress the babes in Hooters. I've also learned the hard way that cold water only makes the hurting worse. You have to drink milk. So have a cow nearby before trying these bad boys.

Cheers!


drbj profile image

drbj 6 years ago from south Florida

I can understand your love affair with hot sauce, Arthur, but on behalf of true-blue Smurfs everywhere, and they really are BLUE, please cease and desist using their proud family name as a synonym for a three-letter word meaning stupid person, donkey or backside. I thank you and the SPCS thanks you. (Society Prevention of Cruelty to Smurfs).


Arthur Windermere profile image

Arthur Windermere 6 years ago Author

Hey Doc,

Imposter! A real Smurf knows they're called Les Schtroumpfs! I bet you're working for Gargamel. hehehe

Cheers!


Randy Behavior profile image

Randy Behavior 6 years ago from Near the Ocean

Interesting pics... I think I may have blushed.

I understand you can get some sort of high from a really hot sauce. It must be true I heard it on the Food Network Channel.

I enjoy a little spice myself, but would rather my man eat pineapple.


carolina muscle profile image

carolina muscle 6 years ago from Charlotte, North Carolina

Great post.. and you did a great job with the pics too!!


Arthur Windermere profile image

Arthur Windermere 6 years ago Author

Hey Randy,

I read the same thing on wikipedia. Some sort of euphoric effect from a chemical release. I dunno. There are easier and less painful ways to reach euphoria. One, for instance, begins with pineapples. ;)

Incidentally, your profile picture was the inspiration for the second photo. My $20 webcam can't capture colours and textures as vibrantly as in your photo, alas.

Cheers!


Arthur Windermere profile image

Arthur Windermere 6 years ago Author

Hey Carolina Muscle,

Thanks! The pictures are a little douchey, but they work for the article. hehe

Cheers!


CMHypno profile image

CMHypno 6 years ago from Other Side of the Sun

Arthur, you do have one of the strangest minds that I have ever come across, but your hubs are always very entertaining. Unless I've missed something, I'm not sure that we have these hot sauces in the UK, I will look out for them the next time I'm in Tesco!


Merlin Fraser profile image

Merlin Fraser 6 years ago from Cotswold Hills

Hi Arthur,

Great Hub full of humour but you're preaching to the choir with me if this was designed as a HOT Warning.

I learnt my lesson on my first visit to Texas and was introduced to Jalapeno peppers....

My question then, as now, is why would anyboby want to put anything that hot in their mouth ?

Nor am I a great fan of Indian Curry so hot you have to remember to put a toilet roll in the fridge the night before.

I'll just stick to a few spots of Tabasco in my Bloody Mary.


Arthur Windermere profile image

Arthur Windermere 6 years ago Author

Hey CM,

haha well thanks, that's definitely a compliment in my books.

I'm sure you have hot sauce in the UK. Hot sauce does not reveal itself to all, but to those who seek. You've just never gone on the spiritual quest for the Holy Tongue/Ass-scorch.

Cheers!


Arthur Windermere profile image

Arthur Windermere 6 years ago Author

Hey Merlin,

Good question! The capsaicin is actually designed to keep animals from eating the pepper. Like the spines on a pineapple. It's a human thing to proudly eat what we're not supposed to, I guess.

I'm looking to expand my hot sauce horizons, but the truth is I don't see them expanding very far. hehehe

Cheers!


Deborah Demander profile image

Deborah Demander 6 years ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

Great hub. I love all these names. And I learned recently that applying hot sauce to the sphincter is a sure-fire way for a man to go all night. Try it and let me know if it works. My sweet husband refuses hot sauce in his smurf area.

Namaste.


Merlin Fraser profile image

Merlin Fraser 6 years ago from Cotswold Hills

Hi Arthur,

Deborah’s comment reminded me that you should never place tubes of ‘Preparation H’ and ‘Deep Heat’ next to one another in the bathroom cabinet.


SilverGenes 6 years ago

Hahaha @ Merlin! Now that reminded me how awkward it can be for a guy to try making his own hot sauce, chop up some of those fresh habañeros and then use the bathroom.

Fresh habañeros - 100,000 Scovilles.

Homemade hot sauce - 350,000 Scovilles

Screaming from the bathroom - Priceless


Arthur Windermere profile image

Arthur Windermere 6 years ago Author

Whoah, whoah, what's going on here? I wake up for my morning coffee and a geyser of ass-jokes erupt from the bowels of hubpages right into my brain. I'm supposed to be the guy who lowers the tone. This poetic justice or something.

Hey Namaste,

hahaha Yeah, in case anyone thinks "A Red Haberno Enema" is instructions and not a description, I should note that hot sauce should only flow in one direction: top to bottom. To do otherwise would not be genteel. ;)

Cheers!


Arthur Windermere profile image

Arthur Windermere 6 years ago Author

Hey Merlin,

lol very wise words. That said, Preparation H is great on nachos.

SilverGenes,

Ah, well y'see little lady, hot sauce makin' is a fine dance between the kitchen and the bathroom, an expert choreograph between the elements of fire and water, oven and toilet, hands and ass. One wrong move and someone could get deborahed, merlined, or even alexed; but these Masters of the Dance laugh in the face of danger.


Mike Lickteig profile image

Mike Lickteig 6 years ago from Lawrence KS USA

In my younger days I sampled the hot stuff, but as age has crept up and grabbed me around the--neck--I have moved on to milder fare. There once was a restaurant in Las Vegas that had hot mustard that literally choked you when you put it in your mouth--it was like all the moisture in your mouth was consumed by whatever was in that mustard.

Now, of course, if it makes it down my throat, my stomach complains. If it makes it past my stomach, well--you can guess what complains next.

Another fun read.

Mike


the pink umbrella profile image

the pink umbrella 6 years ago from the darkened forest deep within me.

Ha, i used to watch as my stepdad would sit over spicy indian or mexican food...and actually add hot sauce. he would be sweating, and tearing up, and add more sauce! I didn't understand it! The closest ive ever come is taco bell hot sauce, and you all know what a joke that stuff is, its more mild than bar b q sauce! Awesome hub, jarred, rated you up!!!


Arthur Windermere profile image

Arthur Windermere 6 years ago Author

Hey Mike,

I was sure I'd replied to you right away. Apparently I did it in my head and forgot to do it in reality. I hate it when that happens. haha

Hot mustard is a whole other world. I tried hot mustard in Scotland. It drew tears from my eyes and I could feel my sinuses shriveling.

Thanks for dropping in!

Cheers!


Arthur Windermere profile image

Arthur Windermere 6 years ago Author

Hey Pinky,

haha, yeah, I remember a friend's dad once telling me, "It isn't hot until your eyes start to sweat!" I don't enjoy the sweating or tearing up; I just like a little burn. But apparently there's some sort of euphoria that results from the really hot stuff. I can think of easier ways to reach euphoria. ;)

Cheers!


epigramman profile image

epigramman 6 years ago

..good stuff Mister Sir ... and still the best HUBS that God - or man - has created!!!


Arthur Windermere profile image

Arthur Windermere 6 years ago Author

Howdy Mr. Epigramman,

Thanks for dropping by! Stay hot!

Cheers!


Nell Rose profile image

Nell Rose 6 years ago from England

Hi, Ha Ha I had forgotten how funny you are! gotta get myself back over here more often. I am not into those sauces, they probably wouldn't get past my tongue before I barfed but I love curries, so I am nearly there! Oh, and I love the pictures!...lol cheers nell


Kaie Arwen profile image

Kaie Arwen 6 years ago

Uh oh............ I don't like hot sauce............ but the names were funny! I will give ya that!


Ben Zoltak profile image

Ben Zoltak 6 years ago from Lake Mills, Jefferson County, Wisconsin USA

This line is near and dear to my heart:

"Colon Blow. Just in case you didn't get the idea, they generously choose to explain the 'Colon Blow' in a handy subtitle."

Not because I'm a fan of a blown colon (but who isn't really?) more because well: I'm down with the "other" type of colon.

I also enjoyed:

"If you're feeling particularly resentful of your colon, sphincter, anus, or anything thereabouts, just pour some of this stuff down your face-hole and prepare to suffer."

Oh, the strange and terrible things people will place down their face-holes! This netherworld is a magical place!

N'astrovia!

Ben


JayDeck profile image

JayDeck 6 years ago from New Jersey

I love Dave's Insanity Sauce, an early entry into the market, but alas, it is no Colon Blow.

Thanks!

-J


Arthur Windermere profile image

Arthur Windermere 6 years ago Author

Hey Nell,

So sorry it took me four weeks to reply! I've been on a hubpages break. Thanks for dropping by and glad you enjoyed the hot Arthur, if not the hot sauce. haha

Cheers!


Arthur Windermere profile image

Arthur Windermere 6 years ago Author

Hey Kaie,

Long time no see. Hot sauce is good for ya! Put hair on your chest. And exercise your colon.

Cheers!


Arthur Windermere profile image

Arthur Windermere 6 years ago Author

Hey Jay,

If you're taking Dave's Insanity and Colon Blow, you've got a stronger tongue than I.

Cheers!


Christopher Price profile image

Christopher Price 6 years ago from Vermont, USA

Arthur,

Another enjoyable journey through the funhouse of your mind.

I just read this one for the pleasure of prose, and I wasn't disappointed.

I don't do the macho hot sauce gig. Your hub about the 5 male role models never mentioned sizzling sphincters. Could Wilde wield his wit while gasping for breath? I think not.

During my college days my lady (who was raised in India and was familiar with spicy foods) and I were invited to dine with another couple at their abode. The host did the cooking and was proud of the hot spices he had used.

Half way through the first bite I lost every sensation in my mouth except for painful heat. The food looked wonderful and I couldn't discern meat from vegetable, carrot from bok choy. Even the host and my girlfriend had to admit the Hot Peppers MAY have been a bit much.

How can you enjoy what you can't taste?

Good luck if anyone sends you samples of that liquid lava.

CP


Nellieanna profile image

Nellieanna 6 years ago from TEXAS

Sorry I didn't see this when it was first published. Maybe it was during my rare trip to the ranch! Which reminds me. . .

As a fresh-veggie-deprived child on the ranch, where water is scarce and treated like liquid GOLD (which it really IS where there is NO surface water on jillions of acres & must be brought up from the underground source 600 feet or so deep) -so that the garden usually only grew low-moisture-requiring onions and peppers, I sat in the garden guzzling hot onions and really hot peppers, I couldn't get too hot a pepper, though, fortunately - they didn't plant habeñeros. Those things burn one's eyes at a distance!

But chile petine and jalepeños aren't mousy, either! I loved the HOT stuff till I was marooned in Indiana where their idea of too hot was a sprinkling of stale black pepper in a large pot of something. Chili was milder than chicken noodle soup and got it's red color from tomato sauce. Catsup was their idea of hot sauce, used sparingly.

However, I no longer even like hot peppers that overwhelm all other flavors. And they do that! (Christopher, you're so right!) So I've become a tongue coward. hehe

Anyway - your hub is hilarious, if vulgar. You're such a word & idea wizard, AW, and always fun to read. This is the funniest: "The Big Hot One depicts a beautiful woman sensually sucking a hot pepper. But since these sauces apparently unleash the four horsemen of the apocalypse in your intestines, I doubt you'll get a girl anywhere near your pepper after eating this."

I must catch up on your hubs I may have missed!

Your pictures are delightful too. Your baby-face is such a great disguise.


Arthur Windermere profile image

Arthur Windermere 6 years ago Author

Hey Christopher,

So sorry I haven't replied in a month. You happened to find me during my vacation from HubPages.

haha you have a point! You just won't impress many ladies with Senor Salsa blowing the trumpets of doom in your colon.

And no-one's sent me free stuff yet. Go figure.

Cheers!


Arthur Windermere profile image

Arthur Windermere 6 years ago Author

Hey Nellie,

That paragraph about water is not just a run-on, it's a marathon sentence. haha I'm sorry, I shouldn't tease you. But you can take it. Anyway, I can't imagine eating onions and peppers like that. Amazing what we adapt to in the circumstances. When I was an ascetic monk, I used tobasco to drown the pleasurable flavours of food--but soon found I was enjoying the tobasco.

Glad you enjoyed the hub, humour, and hot tamale that is me. hehe

Cheers!


ChristineVianello profile image

ChristineVianello 5 years ago from Philadelphia

Haha....Can I please get a 10 piece hot wings with some colon blow?


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