The Humble Watermelons: The Essentials, a Must-Read for Summer Food Lovers
This is the subject of my hub
"Commando Style" of eating watermelon
This husband shows greed in protecting his delicious watermelon
A short history of the watermelon:
Watermelon's botanical name, Citrullus vulgaris, comes from the diminutive form of citrus, referring to the color and shape of the fruit, and vulgaris meaning common or ordinary fruit. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to understand where its English common name, "watermelon," comes from. The flesh of this delicious fruit is over 90 percent water.
The watermelon is native to Africa, and was a valuable and portable source of water for desert situations and when natural water supplies were contaminated. Watermelons were grown in Egypt and India as far back as 2500 B.C. as evidenced in ancient hieroglyphics.
WRITER'S NOTE: The two reasons I published this was one, to prove to all of my beloved-followers that "I" am not just a "country rube," just because I reside in northwest Alabama, and two, and most-importantly, I have always dreamed of "sounding" intelligent and Ivy League, even though I am not thought of as either. (Kenneth Avery)
Photo #1: Little girl dives into melon; Photo #2: Even "head-bangers love watermelon Photo #3: This hot girl looks hotter eating watermelon
Don't feel so sad
just because, like me, you have been treating and eating our friend, the watermelon, wrong for many years. We are only human, so what does those on a higher plane expect?
In the summer it's unbearable hot. We swim, sit in shades, drink cool liquids, and eat watermelon in order to stay alive. We never knew how incorrect we were in how we were treating the watermelon. I hope, if there is such a thing, that the "Prince of Melons," will have mercy on us gluttonous swine. (Note: if the late Jim Morrison, leader of the Doors were here, he would have already penned a hit song about the "Prince of melons."
A brief summer-scenario goes like this: We get an invite to grandma and grandpa's house in the country. Our kids are past toddler-age, so we do not worry as much. After a quick "meet and greet," with gramps and granny, we enjoy a feast of fried chicken, corn on the cob, mashed potatoes, fresh garden salad and apple pie (of course).
Then it's time for some tall-tales from gramps about his time in World War I and his time served as a medic-trainee. He didn't see that much action, but he refers to catching a case of cabbage from falling on a colonel his "act of bravery," that never got him a medal.
As we all get drowsy from the feast and tall tales from gramps, we notice that he is missing. Granny is fine with gramps going missing. She feels that some "alone time" will do him good, but suddenly, "Clara Louise," a buxom girl of 25, single, and working for the local YWCA, is suddenly-present in the living room with the skill of a master-magician.
"I" am not complaining. "Clara" is wearing a short tennis-type skirt that displays her tanned, shapely legs and well, I am growing nervous at her standing close to my chair for I am catching a whiff of her seductive perfume. Now why would "Clara" wear seductive perfume on such a hot day?
Then granny finally introduces us to "Clara," the care-provider for her and gramps. I am so relieved. For a fleeting moment I thought that I was going to be attacked by this buxom blond.
FUN WATERMELON FACT:
Not only do watermelons come in the traditional-red colored "meat," as the inside is called, but also in Yellow which is just as juicy and delicious to eat.
Then good ol' gramps appears
struggling with two huge watermelons, one under each arm. (Note: I spared all of you Dolly Parton fans by saying "two huge watermelons," instead of "melons," for I didn't want any hate-mail from you. KENNETH).
This is gramps' first clumsy mistake in how to correctly-manage a watermelon.
- With one watermelon, you hold it with both hands just as you would a newborn baby.
- With two melons, you use a wheelbarrow, cart, or just carry them one at a time.
And just as I let those cautious thoughts sink into my drowsy brain, I hear this comic book "Thud" and look. Gramps has dropped both juicy watermelons on his freshly-manicured lawn. He is ashamed. But we forgive his ineptness due to his old age, but inside we are resentful because my wife and I, with our two well-behaved kids, will soon have to make that long arduous trip back to the city without ever putting our dry lips around many bites of that now-destroyed red-meat watermelon. Next week without granny knowing it, I am going to see that gramps gets some help.
We kiss gramps, granny, and of course, "Clara Louise," good-bye until next visit and hit the road. But I get one more perk in looking in my rear view mirror to watch gramps, granny and that buxom "Clara," wave to us as the wind, like perfect clockwork, blows her tennis-style short skirt up around her tanned thighs.
I make a huge blunder in not watching where I am going, and run off the gravel road and my wife screams in terror while our well-behaved kids only laugh and think this is a neat way to pass the time.
Photo #1: Girl goes for it Photo #2: Dad enjoys eating watermelon with son Photo #3: Vintage artwork of kid cutting watermelon Photo #4: Old woman knows how to
I hope that you noticed
gramps' mistake of how to handle two watermelons, because there are
Other common mistakes made and associated with watermelons:
- Watermelons contain no rubber for making balloons
- Watermelons have rinds, not shells like those of eggs
- If a watermelon is really-ripe, when you cut it, it will give off a "splat" as it breaks apart
- Watermelons are not to be used in childhood prankish fights
- It is a felony if you get caught dropping watermelons off an overpass on any interstate highway
- Wasps, yellow jackets, hornets, and ants all have acute-smelling sensors that "zero-in" on the sweet aroma of watermelons, so be careful when you are enjoying a watermelon with family and friends
- Watermelons, if cut properly, can be used as "date food," to impress a girl whom is watching her weight
- Watermelons can be used in a radical-weight-loss gimmick called the "Two Week Watermelon Purge," which has to be utilized with a lot of care
- Watermelons ARE NOT only eaten by one race of people as some jerk go this malicious-rumor started eons ago. People of all races can eat watermelon and get along in harmony
How do you feel about watermelon?See results without voting
Other uses for watermelon
besides eating these delicious creations (Dolly Parton fans, no pun here) called watermelons, did you also know that there are some
Other rather-mysterious uses for watermelon:
- Two holes and a mouth can cut out of the rind and worn as a Halloween mask, but be sure that no wasps, hornets or ants are secretly-hiding inside so they can sting the "living daylights" out of your head.
- When carved and cleaned-out, a watermelon rind makes a great temporary trough for deer and other wildlife to get a fresh drink of water.
- When PhotoShopped, a watermelon can be your nose in a trick photo you want to send to your college friends.
- If you are very creative (as most of my followers are) you can take a black magic marker and make a piece of art out of the uncut watermelon. The sad part is cutting the melon with such a hand-drawn masterpiece on the rind.
- Hey, kids! You and your friends can take uncut-watermelons to the top of a grassy hill and have "Watermelon Races," just by gently-pushing your melon down the hill.
- For added fun, and this is just for those who love to mix booze with every activity, you can cut a small-opening in the watermelon and drain an entire bottle of vodka inside the melon. Let set for an hour or two to allow the vodka to be absorbed in the "meat" of the watermelon, then dig in and soon, you and your booze-loving friends will be wasted, but full on a still-delicious watermelon.
- If you have the patience, you can squeeze the watermelon "meat" and freeze the tasty juice for a delicious watermelon smoothie.
Vintage photo of a man courting an attractive lady with watermelon
Watermelon eating: a great family event
I hate to do this
but in all fairness to my followers, I am going to have to talk for a few minutes about:
What people hate about the humble watermelon:
- Juice is tasty, but it is sticky if not rinsed-off immediately
- Tough to chew if dropped in a sandy backyard
- Rough if you sneeze and the juice is propelled through your nose
- Do not get to laughing and suck the watermelon juice down your windpipe
- The seeds are annoying
- I do not know how to hold my watermelon when eating it
Watermelon Fun Fact #2:
Speaking of those black annoying seeds found in watermelons, a health-food expert friend of mine told me that eating the seeds of watermelons, or just swallowing them make a terrific colon-cleanser.
My health-food expert friend also noted that swallowing pumpkin seed can accomplish the same goal, to cleanse your colon.
I suggest that you use your own judgment.
A word from the subject of this piece, "Willy Watermelon,"
"I want to take this moment to say 'thank you,' to everyone who has read this hub by my good friend, Kenneth Avery."
"I know that sometimes, Kenneth gets a little carried-away, but he means well and this story about me and my friends is proof of that fact. He wanted "us," to get some needed-respect in how we are to be treated correctly by you humans."
"And if you start laughing at Kenneth for doing this story, it was YOU who listened to a talking watermelon, not Kenneth."
Keepsake photo: Hollywood super-star, Jack Nicholson chows-down on watermelon
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