The Humble Watermelons: The Essentials, a Must-Read for Summer Food Lovers

This is the subject of my hub

I am so hungry for watermelon right now that I seriously doubt that I can finish this hub tonight. (Kenneth Avery)
I am so hungry for watermelon right now that I seriously doubt that I can finish this hub tonight. (Kenneth Avery) | Source

"Commando Style" of eating watermelon

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This husband shows greed in protecting his delicious watermelon

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A short history of the watermelon:

Watermelon's botanical name, Citrullus vulgaris, comes from the diminutive form of citrus, referring to the color and shape of the fruit, and vulgaris meaning common or ordinary fruit. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to understand where its English common name, "watermelon," comes from. The flesh of this delicious fruit is over 90 percent water.

The watermelon is native to Africa, and was a valuable and portable source of water for desert situations and when natural water supplies were contaminated. Watermelons were grown in Egypt and India as far back as 2500 B.C. as evidenced in ancient hieroglyphics.

WRITER'S NOTE: The two reasons I published this was one, to prove to all of my beloved-followers that "I" am not just a "country rube," just because I reside in northwest Alabama, and two, and most-importantly, I have always dreamed of "sounding" intelligent and Ivy League, even though I am not thought of as either. (Kenneth Avery)

Photo #1: Little girl dives into melon; Photo #2: Even "head-bangers love watermelon Photo #3: This hot girl looks hotter eating watermelon

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Don't feel so sad

just because, like me, you have been treating and eating our friend, the watermelon, wrong for many years. We are only human, so what does those on a higher plane expect?

In the summer it's unbearable hot. We swim, sit in shades, drink cool liquids, and eat watermelon in order to stay alive. We never knew how incorrect we were in how we were treating the watermelon. I hope, if there is such a thing, that the "Prince of Melons," will have mercy on us gluttonous swine. (Note: if the late Jim Morrison, leader of the Doors were here, he would have already penned a hit song about the "Prince of melons."

A brief summer-scenario goes like this: We get an invite to grandma and grandpa's house in the country. Our kids are past toddler-age, so we do not worry as much. After a quick "meet and greet," with gramps and granny, we enjoy a feast of fried chicken, corn on the cob, mashed potatoes, fresh garden salad and apple pie (of course).

Then it's time for some tall-tales from gramps about his time in World War I and his time served as a medic-trainee. He didn't see that much action, but he refers to catching a case of cabbage from falling on a colonel his "act of bravery," that never got him a medal.

As we all get drowsy from the feast and tall tales from gramps, we notice that he is missing. Granny is fine with gramps going missing. She feels that some "alone time" will do him good, but suddenly, "Clara Louise," a buxom girl of 25, single, and working for the local YWCA, is suddenly-present in the living room with the skill of a master-magician.

"I" am not complaining. "Clara" is wearing a short tennis-type skirt that displays her tanned, shapely legs and well, I am growing nervous at her standing close to my chair for I am catching a whiff of her seductive perfume. Now why would "Clara" wear seductive perfume on such a hot day?

Then granny finally introduces us to "Clara," the care-provider for her and gramps. I am so relieved. For a fleeting moment I thought that I was going to be attacked by this buxom blond.

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FUN WATERMELON FACT:

Not only do watermelons come in the traditional-red colored "meat," as the inside is called, but also in Yellow which is just as juicy and delicious to eat.

Then good ol' gramps appears

struggling with two huge watermelons, one under each arm. (Note: I spared all of you Dolly Parton fans by saying "two huge watermelons," instead of "melons," for I didn't want any hate-mail from you. KENNETH).

This is gramps' first clumsy mistake in how to correctly-manage a watermelon.

  • With one watermelon, you hold it with both hands just as you would a newborn baby.
  • With two melons, you use a wheelbarrow, cart, or just carry them one at a time.

And just as I let those cautious thoughts sink into my drowsy brain, I hear this comic book "Thud" and look. Gramps has dropped both juicy watermelons on his freshly-manicured lawn. He is ashamed. But we forgive his ineptness due to his old age, but inside we are resentful because my wife and I, with our two well-behaved kids, will soon have to make that long arduous trip back to the city without ever putting our dry lips around many bites of that now-destroyed red-meat watermelon. Next week without granny knowing it, I am going to see that gramps gets some help.


We kiss gramps, granny, and of course, "Clara Louise," good-bye until next visit and hit the road. But I get one more perk in looking in my rear view mirror to watch gramps, granny and that buxom "Clara," wave to us as the wind, like perfect clockwork, blows her tennis-style short skirt up around her tanned thighs.


I make a huge blunder in not watching where I am going, and run off the gravel road and my wife screams in terror while our well-behaved kids only laugh and think this is a neat way to pass the time.

Photo #1: Girl goes for it Photo #2: Dad enjoys eating watermelon with son Photo #3: Vintage artwork of kid cutting watermelon Photo #4: Old woman knows how to

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I hope that you noticed

gramps' mistake of how to handle two watermelons, because there are

Other common mistakes made and associated with watermelons:

  • Watermelons contain no rubber for making balloons
  • Watermelons have rinds, not shells like those of eggs
  • If a watermelon is really-ripe, when you cut it, it will give off a "splat" as it breaks apart
  • Watermelons are not to be used in childhood prankish fights
  • It is a felony if you get caught dropping watermelons off an overpass on any interstate highway
  • Wasps, yellow jackets, hornets, and ants all have acute-smelling sensors that "zero-in" on the sweet aroma of watermelons, so be careful when you are enjoying a watermelon with family and friends
  • Watermelons, if cut properly, can be used as "date food," to impress a girl whom is watching her weight
  • Watermelons can be used in a radical-weight-loss gimmick called the "Two Week Watermelon Purge," which has to be utilized with a lot of care
  • Watermelons ARE NOT only eaten by one race of people as some jerk go this malicious-rumor started eons ago. People of all races can eat watermelon and get along in harmony



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How do you feel about watermelon?

  • A purely-racist food
  • Delicious
  • Love it
  • Never heard of it
See results without voting

Other uses for watermelon

besides eating these delicious creations (Dolly Parton fans, no pun here) called watermelons, did you also know that there are some

Other rather-mysterious uses for watermelon:

  1. Two holes and a mouth can cut out of the rind and worn as a Halloween mask, but be sure that no wasps, hornets or ants are secretly-hiding inside so they can sting the "living daylights" out of your head.
  2. When carved and cleaned-out, a watermelon rind makes a great temporary trough for deer and other wildlife to get a fresh drink of water.
  3. When PhotoShopped, a watermelon can be your nose in a trick photo you want to send to your college friends.
  4. If you are very creative (as most of my followers are) you can take a black magic marker and make a piece of art out of the uncut watermelon. The sad part is cutting the melon with such a hand-drawn masterpiece on the rind.
  5. Hey, kids! You and your friends can take uncut-watermelons to the top of a grassy hill and have "Watermelon Races," just by gently-pushing your melon down the hill.
  6. For added fun, and this is just for those who love to mix booze with every activity, you can cut a small-opening in the watermelon and drain an entire bottle of vodka inside the melon. Let set for an hour or two to allow the vodka to be absorbed in the "meat" of the watermelon, then dig in and soon, you and your booze-loving friends will be wasted, but full on a still-delicious watermelon.
  7. If you have the patience, you can squeeze the watermelon "meat" and freeze the tasty juice for a delicious watermelon smoothie.

Vintage photo of a man courting an attractive lady with watermelon

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Watermelon eating: a great family event

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I hate to do this

but in all fairness to my followers, I am going to have to talk for a few minutes about:

What people hate about the humble watermelon:

  • Juice is tasty, but it is sticky if not rinsed-off immediately
  • Tough to chew if dropped in a sandy backyard
  • Rough if you sneeze and the juice is propelled through your nose
  • Do not get to laughing and suck the watermelon juice down your windpipe
  • The seeds are annoying
  • I do not know how to hold my watermelon when eating it

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Watermelon Fun Fact #2:

Speaking of those black annoying seeds found in watermelons, a health-food expert friend of mine told me that eating the seeds of watermelons, or just swallowing them make a terrific colon-cleanser.

My health-food expert friend also noted that swallowing pumpkin seed can accomplish the same goal, to cleanse your colon.

I suggest that you use your own judgment.

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A word from the subject of this piece, "Willy Watermelon,"

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"I want to take this moment to say 'thank you,' to everyone who has read this hub by my good friend, Kenneth Avery."

"I know that sometimes, Kenneth gets a little carried-away, but he means well and this story about me and my friends is proof of that fact. He wanted "us," to get some needed-respect in how we are to be treated correctly by you humans."

"And if you start laughing at Kenneth for doing this story, it was YOU who listened to a talking watermelon, not Kenneth."

Keepsake photo: Hollywood super-star, Jack Nicholson chows-down on watermelon

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More by this Author


Comments 25 comments

mgt28 profile image

mgt28 2 years ago

I like watermelons but buying them is not an any task. I like the sweet and seedless. I do not mind the stickiness though.


bravewarrior profile image

bravewarrior 2 years ago from Central Florida

I usually cut the meat from the rind and chop it into bite size pieces. No muss, no fuss and no watermelon juice on your cheeks!


BNadyn profile image

BNadyn 2 years ago from Jacksonville, Florida

It's definitely watermelon season and we just had some last weekend. They can get messy but are refreshing. I love that picture of Jack Nicholson and the old lady, too. Funny story with your grandparents, that sounded like an interesting visit!


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 2 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

H, mgt28,

Me too. I love watermelons, but to find the ripe ones has always dealt me a task to be dealt with. But the delicious meat makes up for all of my frustration.

Thank you, kindly, for your comment. Stop by again.


sheilamyers 2 years ago

Thanks for teaching me something new. I didn't know watermelons originated in Africa. Good thing someone thought to grow them here, because summer would be horrible without watermelon. And to me, watermelon is something to be eaten when you're not with "polite" company. Why? Because one of the most fun parts of eating it is to see who can spit the seeds the farthest.


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 2 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Dear BNadn,

Thank you so much for your kind remarks. Oh, the Nicholson photo was a real find. I couldn't resist using it.

I wonder if he ever reads HubPages?

Come back anytime, BNadn and stay longer.


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 2 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Hello, bravewarrior,

This is the way that my late mother used to do. She didn't like the juice getting on her hands because it was so sticky. But no matter how we eat watermelons, they are always good.

Thank you for your sweet words.


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 2 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Hi, sheilamyers,

We might include watermelons in The New Gilligan's Island for the actors to actually eat on film. That would get people to talking. Thanks for reminding me of a funny memory of spitting watermelon seed as far as we could.

FACT: I never won any of these contests. LOL.

I was too busy gorging myself on melons.

Thanks again for your input.


Thelma Alberts profile image

Thelma Alberts 2 years ago from Germany

Awesome hub! I still have a few slices of watermelons in my fridge. Thanks for reminding this.


choosetolive profile image

choosetolive 2 years ago from London, Canada

Nice hub. Mouth watery, when I look at those watermelons. Thanks & voted up !


DDE profile image

DDE 2 years ago from Dubrovnik, Croatia

Incredible story about the watermelon. I always enjoyed this juicy watery fruit and is such a perfect treat for the summer. Voted up, interesting ,and useful.


Kenneth Avery 2 years ago

Hi, Thelma,

Thank YOU! I was glad to help. Thanks too for stopping in and visiting with me. Come back anytime.


Kenneth Avery 2 years ago

Hi, choosetolive,

Thanks so much for your lively comment. And here is a Watermelon Fact: If you cannot afford a real watermelon, you can always gaze at the photos of them on this piece and pretend you are eating one. See? This hub serves in many ways.

Have a peaceful week.


Kenneth Avery 2 years ago

Hi, sweet DDE,

Thank you also for your sweet comments. Watermelon is a juicy summer treat. I would go as far to say that watermelon is the perfect summer fruit.

Come by anytime, DDE.


Peggy W profile image

Peggy W 2 years ago from Houston, Texas

I have many fond memories of eating slices of watermelon when on picnics with my family. You forgot to mention the fun in seeing who can spit seeds the furthest!!! Haha! Pinning this to my fruits board. You must have had a lot of fun when writing this! I am still smiling! ☺☺☺


FlourishAnyway profile image

FlourishAnyway 2 years ago from USA

I love watermelon, too. One of my favorite parts of summer! Now they're making them without seeds. Seems kinda like cheating to me.


dghbrh profile image

dghbrh 2 years ago from ...... a place beyond now and beyond here !!!

I am fan of waterlmelon....summer evening and i really love to relish as after work snack...Thank you for this one..up and shared.


abbaelijah profile image

abbaelijah 2 years ago from Nigeria

I love the taste of watermelon


tillsontitan profile image

tillsontitan 2 years ago from New York

Ah, but you are thought of as intelligent! Not to mention a great writer who's humor is always a pleasure to read.

What better subject than watermelon! Just about everybody loves it and this time of year we all look forward to it.

Thank you talking watermelon.

Voted up, funny, and interesting.


prasetio30 profile image

prasetio30 2 years ago from malang-indonesia

Watermelon is one of my favorite fruit in dry season. Thanks for the information. Voted up!


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 2 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Peggy W.,

You are right. Spitting seeds was fun. Thanks for the reminder and wonderful comment.

Come visit me again.

K.


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 2 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Hey, FlourishAnyway,

Watermelons without seed? That is so unnatural. And un-American. Something has to be done. Let's protest.

But let me take a nap first.

Come back and visit with me.

K.


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 2 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Hi, dghbrh,

Me too. I am a huge fan of the melon. And as a close second, fresh cantaloupe. I could eat these delicious creations three times a day--everyday. Honest.

K.


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 2 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Hello, abblejiah,

I thank you kindly for your input. I appreciate you so much.

We all need to form the first "Watermelon Appreciation Club," on HubPages. Would that be fun or what?

Thanks for sharing.

K.


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 2 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Hello, tillsontian,

Long time, no YOU. LOL. Thanks for stopping by to see me and leave such a pretty comment.

You are so sweet. I appreciate you so much.

Peace.

Kenneth

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