The best worst coffee I've ever tasted
The best worst coffee I've ever tasted, in no particular order. Herewith is presented coffee so bad that it was good. Coffee so wretched that it holds a place in my heart forever. Perhaps it's just really bad indigestion, I can't be sure.
My thanks to the tireless coffee baristas of the world for working without getting tired in order to provide the best worst coffee that comprise this list.
Krakatoa Eastern Blend: explosive flavor that leaves a trail of destruction through the digestive tract. A great drink for death row inmates or Republican Supreme Court nominees.
Desert Island Roast: Nurse a cup; how long can you make it last? Complain about the flavor to your hearts content. No one will listen. Scratch a mark on your cave wall each day you can't order a refill.
Hummingbird Pleasant: mostly harmless. A tiny sip will fill you up, if you're already wired
New Age Combination: inconsistent flavors, recalling sensory perceptions of dead bugs, animal droppings, and burlap. Drink though a straw; hopefully you won't pick up the bigger chunks of unidentifiable effluvium.
Seattle Caffeine Concentrate: smoothly blended essence of caffeine with a hint of coffee. Just enough coffee flavor to delay the impact of the stimulant long enough to put down the cup before the tremors begin.
Dot Com Working Late Latte: best served mildly warm after refilling the pot without rinsing it.
Death from Above: brewed by Army Special Forces, not intended for mortal man. If you ask for the recipe, you must be killed.
Jon and Kate Tastes Great: Try it the first time and it's wonderful, a blend of tastes with unpredictable but pleasing aftertastes. Shortly thereafter it turns bitter; pour it out or work hard to finish your cup without throwing it at the barista.
Even the best worst coffee comes from somewhere. As we rarely find ourselves on a Colombian mountainside astride a burro loaded with burlap sacks, we tend to search out storefronts offering to sell us pre-packaged quantities. Rumor has it the cup costs more than the contents. A cardboard cup, a complicated plastic lid, a corrugated cardboard sleeve, and a stirring stick combine to provide a high-tech drinking experience. Lids require petroleum products to manufacture. An injection molding machine being such a complicated device, stop to appreciate the engineering expertise invested in the device that protects your Versace from your beverage. Note the precise stamping technology required to provide that tiny slurp door. Pay homage to the paperboard container containing your custom blend of java. Once a mighty recycled pile of elementary school writing assignments, now rescued into a nearly magical vessel with an even more nearly magical inner coating that coaxes coffee away from container. Invisible, yet effective. Don't leave the store without your emblazoned cardboard sleeve. Hot coffee tends to be hot; protect your pink fingers by grasping the flagon around the sleeve. Insulation, yay!
How many straw-like stirrers does it take to make a coffee? Do we double-dip? Be a friend of the Earth; don't single-stir and then discard. Mother Nature offers you special dispensations for carry-in; being your own stirrer to the party.
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