funnies for a friday

1. 85

   Zsuzsy Beeposted 15 years ago

   A friends sent these to me and it being Friday I thought we all could use a laugh.
   sorry to all the lawyer friends here on hubpages but these really are funny....Have a great day all
   
   These  are  from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things   people actually  said in court, word  for word ,  taken down and now  published by court reporters who had the torment of staying  calm while  these exchanges were actually taking place..
   
   
   
   
   
   ATTORNEY:    Are you sexually active?
   
   WITNESS:      No, I just lie there.
   
   ______________________________________
   
   
   
   ATTORNEY:   What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
   
   WITNESS:     Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
   
   ______________________________________
   
   ATTORNEY:    This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
   
   WITNESS:      Yes.
   
   ATTORNEY:    And in what ways does it affect your memory?
   
   WITNESS:     I forget.
   
   ATTORNEY:    You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
   
   _____________________________________
   
   ATTORNEY:   What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
   
   WITNESS:     He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
   
   ATTORNEY:   And why did that upset you?
   
   WITNESS:     My name is Susan!
   
   ______________________   ________________
   
   ATTORNEY:    Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
   
   WITNESS:      We both do.
   
   ATTORNEY:    Voodoo?
   
   WITNESS:      We do.
   
   ATTORNEY:    You do?
   
   WITNESS:      Yes, voodoo.
   
   ______________________________________
   
   ATTORNEY:   Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know  about it until the next morning?
   
   WITNESS:  Did you actually pass the bar exam?
   
   ____________________________________
   
   ATTORNEY:   The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
   
   WITNESS:     Uh, he's twenty-one.
   
   ________________________________________
   
   ATTORNEY:   Were you present when your picture was taken?
   
   WITNESS:     Are you shittin' me?
   
   ______________________________________
   
   ATTORNEY:    So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
   
   WITNESS:     Yes.
   
   ATTORNEY:   And what were you doing at that time?
   
   WITNESS:    Uh....  I was gettin' laid!
   
   ______________________________________
   
   ATTORNEY:      She had three children, right?
   
   WITNESS:        Yes.
   
   ATTORNEY:      How many were boys?
   
   WITNESS:        None.
   
   ATTORNEY:      Were there any girls?
   
   WITNESS   :     Are you shittin' me? Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
   
   ______________________________________
   
   ATTORNEY:  How was your first marriage terminated?
   
   WITNESS     By death.
   
   ATTORNEY:   And by whose death was it terminated?
   
   WITNESS:     Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
   
   ______________________________________
   
   ATTORNEY:   Can you describe the individual?
   
   WITNESS:     He was about medium height and had a beard.
   
   ATTORNEY:   Was this a  male or a female?
   
   WITNESS:     Guess.
   
   _____________________________________
   
   ATTORNEY:    Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I   sent to your attorney?
   
   WITNESS:      No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
   
   ______________________________________
   
   ATTORNEY:     Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
   
   WITNESS:       All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to  rephrase  that?
   
   ______________________________________
   
   ATTORNEY:    ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
   
   WITNESS:     Oral.
   
   ______________________________________
   
   ATTORNEY:   Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
   
   WITNESS:     The autopsy started around 8:30 P.M.
   
   ATTORNEY:   And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
   
   WITNESS:     No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
   
   ____________________________________________
   
   ATTORNEY:    Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
   
   WITNESS:     Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?
   
   ______________________________________
   
   And  the best for last:
   
   ______________________________________
   
   ATTORNEY:     Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
   
   WITNESS:      No..
   
   ATTORNEY:     Did you check for blood pressure?
   
   WITNESS:      No.
   
   ATTORNEY:     Did you check for breathing?
   
   WITNESS:       No.
   
   ATTORNEY:   So, then it  is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
   
   WITNESS:       No.
   
   ATTORNEY:     How can you be so sure, Doctor?
   
   WITNESS:       Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
   
   ATTORNEY:    I see,  but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
   
   WITNESS:      Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing   law

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2. 57

   dingdongposted 15 years ago

   Hilarious

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3. 85

   Zsuzsy Beeposted 15 years ago

   Divorce the Scottish way????
   
   
   A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve
   and says, I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your
   mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.
   
   'Dad, what are you talking about?' the son screams.
   
   We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,' the father says.
   'We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you
   call your sister in Leeds and tell her.'
   
   Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. 'Like hell
   they're getting divorced,' she shouts, 'I'll take care of this,'
   
   She calls Scotland immediately, and screams at her father, 'You are NOT
   getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling
   my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do
   a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?' and hangs up.
   
   The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. 'Okay,' he says,
   'they're coming for Christmas - and they're paying their own way..'

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4. 56

   weblogposted 15 years ago

   
   
   Really very funny Thanks for the great posts

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5. 61

   Dottie1posted 15 years ago

   Loving your funnies on friday Zsuzsy Bee.  Keep them coming.

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6. 85

   Zsuzsy Beeposted 15 years ago

   Thanks Dottie! I'm hoping that everyone plasters a chuckler in here on the longest day of the week. (It's not my original idea but I couldn't find the other posting)zs

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7. 63

   Mishaposted 15 years ago

   Thanks Suz, right what I needed

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8. 61

   Dottie1posted 15 years ago

   You are Welcome Zsuzsy Bee. 
   
   Since my mother-in-law just called and asked me if I lived on another planet because I didn't know that my home state of Massachusetts is under a state of emergency I thought it quite appropriate for some mother-in-law jokes today! 
   
   My mother in law called today...
   I knew it was her, when she knocked on the front door all the mice threw themselves on the traps! 
   
   'I just bought my mother-in-law a Jaguar.'  'I thought you didn't like her.' 'I know what I'm doing, it's bitten her twice already.' 
   
   You know, I don't know what I'd do without my mother-in-law - but it's nice dreaming about it.
   I mean, she's not ugly - it's just that when she makes up, the lipstick crawls back down the tube.
   She's found a new cheap way of making yogurt and sour cream - she just buys a bottle of milk and stares at it for a couple of minutes.   
   
   'Do you know, my mother-in-law has vanished, just disappeared from home. Just like that.'
   'Have you given her description to the police?'
   'No, they'd never believe me.'   
   
                                         

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   1. 85

      Zsuzsy Beeposted 15 years agoin reply to this

      I had one of them Mother-in-laws too. What a pain in the watoosy she was. I wonder if my son-in-law thinks of me like that. Hmmmm, I will e-mail these to him and find out what the reaction is.

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      1. 61

         Dottie1posted 15 years agoin reply to this

         Zsuzsy Bee....I actually now have a good relationship with my mother-in-law.  When she said that to me, she said laughingly as a joke and I knew and felt it that way.  Learning to have fun with mother-in-laws can sometimes take years and I have finally arrived!
         
         So, Zsuzsy Bee, how old is your son-in-law?

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9. 85

   Zsuzsy Beeposted 15 years ago

   My Son-in-law and I have a great relation ship. I love him as if he was my own. I always tease him and tell him how lucky he is that he has such a great mother-in-law. (hahaha) After my own son he would be the best son to have ever. He is a super husband and a super dad to my two sweetems granddaughters. Any wishes that are only twinkels in his three girls eyes its granted. (he calls his wife and daughters his girls) Next September we'll be having a biiiiiig party because they will be married 10 years. I'm lucky to have the loving gang that I have. (I hope none of them ever see this posting, their swelled heads would never fit in the door)

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10. 78

    ripplemakerposted 15 years ago

    Hi Zsuzsy and Dottie, 
    I had fun reading this one.

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    1. 61

       Dottie1posted 15 years agoin reply to this

       Glad you enjoyed

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11. 85

    Zsuzsy Beeposted 15 years ago

    My friend just emailed this one over...It kind of made me chuckle.
    
    
    A  HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A
    FOOTBALL GAME WHEN HIS  WIFE INTERRUPTS,
    
    HONEY,
    COULD YOU FIX THE  LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY?
    IT'S BEEN FLICKERING FOR WEEKS  NOW.
    
    HE LOOKS AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY,
    FIX  THE LIGHTS NOW?
    DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE
    ENERGEX  WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
    I DON'T THINK SO. 
    
    FINE,
    
    THEN THE WIFE ASKS,
    WELL THEN,  COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR?
    IT WON'T CLOSE RIGHT 
    
    TO WHICH HE REPLIED,
    FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? 
    DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE WESTINGHOUSE
    WRITTEN ON  MY FOREHEAD?
    I DON'T THINK SO
    
    FINE, SHE SAYS 
    THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS
    TO THE  FRONT DOOR?
    THEY ARE ABOUT TO BREAK
    
    I'M NOT  A CARPENTER AND I DON'T
    WANT TO FIX STEPS
    HE  SAYS, DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE
    BUNNINGS WRITTEN ON  MY FOREHEAD?
    I DON'T THINK SO
    I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF  YOU.
    I'M GOING TO THE PUB!!!!
    
    SO HE GOES TO  THE PUB AND DRINKS FOR A
    COUPLE OF  HOURS................................
    
    HE STARTS  TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HOW
    HE TREATED HIS WIFE, AND  DECIDES
    TO GO HOME
    
    AS HE WALKS INTO THE  HOUSE HE NOTICES
    THAT THE STEPS ARE ALREADY FIXED. 
    
    AS HE ENTERS THE HOUSE , HE SEES THE
    HALL  LIGHT IS WORKING
    
    AS HE GOES TO GET A BEER, HE  NOTICES
    THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED.
    
    HONEY, HE  ASKS, HOW'D ALL THIS GET FIXED?
    SHE SAID, WELL, WHEN  YOU LEFT I SAT
    OUTSIDE AND CRIED
    
    JUST THEN A  NICE YOUNG MAN ASKED ME
    WHAT WAS WRONG, AND I TOLD  HIM.
    
    HE OFFERED TO DO ALL THE REPAIRS, AND 
    ALL I HAD TO DO WAS EITHER
    GO TO BED WITH HIM OR  BAKE A CAKE.
    
    HE SAID,
    SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE  DID YOU BAKE?
    
    SHE REPLIED,
    HELLOOOOO.. 
    DO YOU SEE SARA LEE WRITTEN 
    ON MY FOREHEAD?
    I DON'T THINK SO!

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    1. 61

       Dottie1posted 15 years agoin reply to this

       Good one Zsuzsy.  Tell your friend to keep them jokes coming!

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12. 79

    Ardieposted 15 years ago

    This is THE funniest forum ever!  Im glad I found it because I need some humor on this Friday

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13. 61

    Dottie1posted 15 years ago

    It's Friday Again?  Here is my Friday Funny!
    
    
    The Strange Christmas Scene
    
    In a small southern town there was a "Nativity Scene" that showed great skill and talent had gone into creating it. One small feature bothered me.
    
    The three wise men were wearing firemen's helmets.
    
    Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left. At a "Quik Stop" on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets. She exploded into a rage, yelling at me, "You stupid Yankees never do read the Bible!" I assured her that I did, but simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in the Bible.
    
    She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled through some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage. Sticking it in my face she said "See, it says right here, 'The three wise man came from afar.'"

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14. 79

    Ardieposted 15 years ago

    Oh - no - you - dint! 
    That was really funny.  I am going to pass that one on to my husband   I wish I had some Friday funnies to share...I'll have to get on the ball for next Friday

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    1. 61

       Dottie1posted 15 years agoin reply to this

       I'm glad you liked and I hope your husband gets it because mine didn't

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15. 56

    weblogposted 15 years ago

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    
    “Will the father be present during the birth?” asked the obstetrician.
    
    “Nah,” replied the mother-to-be, “he and my husband don’t get along.”
    
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    
    

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16. 85

    Zsuzsy Beeposted 15 years ago

    Just got home, a trip to the city that usually takes 50 minutes took nearly three hours. A snow blizzard... ice pellets... 2feet high drifts right across the road...
    I sure was glad to find two great funnies here to chuckle over. I really needed this Thanks Dottie and Weblog.
    kindest regards Zsuzsy

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    1. 61

       Dottie1posted 15 years agoin reply to this

       I'm glad you got home safely Zsuzsy and enjoyed the funnies.  The storm has arrived here too.  It's a nasty one and my snow blower wouldn't start so ashovelling I will do, BOO HOO!

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       1. 85

          Zsuzsy Beeposted 15 years agoin reply to this

          The driveway from the road to the house is almost 150 feet long and I'm positive that half the snow from the surrounding fields is all piled on it. I might just have to abandon the car till spring and hibernate. I could use to lose a few inches here and there. Stay warm while 'ashovellin' Dottie. Have a great night zs

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          1. 61

             Dottie1posted 15 years agoin reply to this

             Thanks Zsuzsy. You stay warm and have a great night too!

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