Can't get relationship to last past 5-6 months ... advice needed...

1. 56

   rick023posted 13 years ago

   I have always been the type of guy that just goes with the flow of things and believes that things in life should just evolve naturally.  For example, I struggle with formal aspects of relationships and just prefer to let things happen as they do and feel that if things are good they will naturally progress and if things are bad they will naturally regress.  However, the girl I was dating for the past 5 months just broke up with me and this is now the 4th girl in a row.   They all seem to happen within the 5-6 month timeframe and they have said "it is not you, but for some reason I am just not feeling the same spark that we had initially" ... so naturally, I have been doing a lot of soul searching and really think it might be my way of going about relationships.   
   
   Is this "natural" concept i have flawed?  Does it really prevent the true communication that is essential in every relationship? Ironically, open communication and comfort in the communication is always a key thing for me and i had it with all of them.  That being said, I think I get scared or vulnerable in talking about sensitive things and always worry what i say will not be taken well so I just "go with the flow" ... but I think this comes across to most women as "pushover" and somebody that does not have an opinion.   I have also noticed that I tend to "force" the issue through comments, actions, etc when I feel vulnerable and this is more for my own self gratification to help me feel better about the vulnerable feeling.   I realize now this is wrong and only causes the person to lose interest and in most cases is probably a huge turnoff.   I just dont know how to change it.   
   
   So, anyway, I really like the girl who broke with me the other day and I really want this to work out.  I think she feels the same way, but for actions discussed above has lost that spark.   I think we also need to focus more time to get out and do things so we are not in such a routine. 
   
   I asked her to talk next week to allow me to express my feelings on the topic and I plan to basically talk about the above.  Do you think that will work in getting her back?  Also, how do I correct the problems described above? 
   
   Sorry for the rambling ... I am just lost, confused and frustrated.

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      dh43marriagemanposted 13 years agoin reply to this

      What has always worked for me is to be honest, especially with yourself.  You don't have to create a fight or argument over every difference, but you at least have to share your opinion in a respectful manner.  Someone without opinions are just not interesting. 
      
      That being said, what I find that really works to strengthen relationships is finding common interests and activities and growing those. 
      
      It could also be worth looking into the type of women you are dating, maybe they just looking to have fun and explore.  That being the case, 5-6 months is all you should expect.

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      Diane Insideposted 13 years agoin reply to this

      The very first paragraph says it all, you want to just let things happen.
      
      Sorry to tell you but relationships take work, you have to do your part. If you become complacent in the relationship it will stall.
      
      If it is a relationship you are interested in keeping you have to put in the effort. Take cues from her if she like men to court her then you have to court her even if you are already in the relationship.

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      cottontailposted 13 years agoin reply to this

      honestly, i think where you are getting stuck, which is why things keep ending around the same time is when it becomes time to step things up. Being passive and go with the flow is great for the first few months but every girl wants more than "go with the flow." Of course she wants you to be easy going but its time to step it up a notch and put more work into it. Girls want to feel that they are worth fighting for, not "whatever happens." Do you know what i mean?

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      Olyenkaposted 13 years agoin reply to this

      If I may suggest reading the following articles here on hubpages ... as you understand that is not 1 sentence answer to such an important issue.
      
      If you just search for:
      
      "How to attract LOVE into your life "
      &
      "Sustaining happy relationship..... ...."
      
      Regards,
      O.

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      kimberlyslyricsposted 13 years agoin reply to this

      Babe,  chill
      
      It will COME when it's suppose to
      
      I recommend you keep them right now from 4-5 hours to days then clip it.
      
      Don't torture yourself!
      
      Besides we could date forever, til she appears, if you would like
      
      
      
      
      

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      Shahid Bukhariposted 13 years agoin reply to this

      Relationship ... is a Two way lane ...
      
      Do not impose your ideas or ambitions upon your Partner ... Listen, more ... Talk, less ... Try understand, be sympathetic, do not be WISE ...
      
      Learn to be patient ...

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2. 61

   richtwfposted 13 years ago

   Getting into a relationship is hard sometimes but even harder is being able to maintain a relationship and keep it fresh, interesting and exciting. The latter requires a lot of effort if you want your relationship to develop and mature into something more long lasting.
   
   I suggest you take some time to reflect upon all your past relationships and see if there is a common pattern between all of them which leads to the same conclusion.
   
   Take a good look at yourself and inwardly reflect; be truly honest with yourself and ask yourself questions like could I have done anymore to build and make this relationships develop and become stronger.
   
   If your answer is yes then that might be where you need to work more on in the future.
   
   If the answer is no and then it's not your fault and maybe your girlfriend has changed and wants something else in a relationship which you can't offer her now at this moment (although you might be able to offer it if you wanted to change perhaps).
   
   This is all hypothetical so the best thing is to explore your past relationships and summarise in your mind any common points both good and bad and then just as important - talk openly and honestly with your girlfriend and ask for her to do with the same with you.
   
   You'll only know the truth and what you can do next by taking a good look at yourself and asking others to help you.

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      richtwfposted 13 years agoin reply to this

      Hope this helps in some way and wish you well.

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         rick023posted 13 years agoin reply to this

         Thanks Rich.   This helps a lot.   I have definitely and will continue to take a deep look at myself as, like you said, the common denominator in all of the past relationships is me so their has to be some things about me that make women feel this way.  I think I know what it is.  I tend to have self confidence and self esteem issues which causes me to rarely have a strong opinion on things and just go with the flow a lot.  I think this comes across as wimpy and "spineless" and "pushover" to most women. Basically, i avoid confrontation to make things "work" but that probably comes across as lack of passion or caring.  Like I said, I thin I know the problem but i dont know how to correct it. 
         
         I plan on just talking to her openly and honestly about my feelings and my personality ... but also letting her express her feelings, desire, wants, etc.  In the end, if she does not want what I can offer than we are better parting ways, as hard as that may be.   
         
         Thanks again for your help.

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   ddsurfscaposted 13 years ago

   I noticed, (and this is from a female point of view) that there are some similarities in the way you described these relationships.  As a matter of fact, you describe the relationships more than you do the women themselves.  I also think that you are preoccupied with the relationship as if it were a person.  What is missing in your question, is any details about the women themselves.  Could you maybe be in love with the idea of being in love? (You never mentioned if you or they were in love during this whole thing?  Were you in love with any of them.
   If you care to discuss this with me you can email me, for I do group therapies and am very good at figuring out these sorts of problems, so I will give you that option if you feel like you want to.
      It is very curious how you describe these women, or the lack of them, if you see what I mean.  You used the word relationship many many times, but not much about the women themself.  This is the key to the problem I believe, but I need to ask questions to go any further.
   my email address is debsurfsca@yahoo.com and would be more than happy to talk to you
   ddsurfsca/deb

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      rick023posted 13 years agoin reply to this

      Thanks for the advice.   I will email you offline.

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   Greek Oneposted 13 years ago

   Yeah it IS you.. not them
   
   You get involved with these women by "going with the flow" and letting things "just evolve naturally.".. but then you say you  "get scared or vulnerable in talking about sensitive things and always worry"
   
   Why do you blame your original 'natural' approach for the problems you get into when you get "scared or vulnerable"?  The problem is that you are no longer "going with the flow".. you become "vulnerable" and a "pushover"// weak and unmanly. That is NOT "going with the flow"
   
   How do you change this?  Why do you change into a wuss in the first place?  What does it matter if you are 5 minutes, 5 months or 5 years into a relationship? At what point do you think it is attractive to lose your balls??   Being an in control and self-confident man is what made them interested in you in the first place. 
   
   At the end you say that "you asked her to talk next week to allow me to express my feelings on the topic"  WTF!?!? Now is that the approach that a 'going with the flow" fellow would follow, or more like ne that his sister might adopt??
   
   Dude,. when you see her next week, ask her if she is Ok.. tell her that you are worried about her... that it must be devastating not to have her in your life.  Liken her existence to a planet that has veered of course and is no longer orbiting the sun.. explain to her that you forgive her moment of insanity but that you will not be there for her 'booty calls"... have fun, tease her and give her a reason to be attractive to you as a man and doubt her decision to dump you... and that mean above all don't ask for her back or try to explain why you are 'vulnerable".. you can't talk or reason the spark back into existence.
   
   And like I told my good friend MythBuster in another forum post, tell her hottest friend that "Greek One says 'hi'"

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      rick023posted 13 years agoin reply to this

      Thanks Greek.  Appreciate the bluntness, although maybe a little less bashing me.  Ha!  I recognize I have a problem and am seeking advice or help in solving it.  If I knew the cause of why I went into "wuss-mode" in the first place, I would be change.  Problem is I don't know why.  That being said, I did not plan on begging her back but more explaining my feelings on our relationship and having "some balls" to explain the things that i did not like but also taking some blame for the cause of things.  In the end, if she wants to come back she will .. if not, then I will move on.  Anyway ... I will keep working at it an I appreciate your help!

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         Greek Oneposted 13 years agoin reply to this

         I had to bash you.. it's for your own good.. if I was closer I would slap you. It's sad to see honest guys who want loving long term relationships suffer...
         
         You are smart enough to realize what you are doing wrong, but you STILL said (and say) that you are going to explain your feelings.
         
         You don't need mental help or group therapy.  You don't need endless introspection.  You just need to realize the things that got these woman interested in you in the first place, and don't change your attitude just because you are 'in a relationship'.  You changed the way you 'relate' to her, then obviously the ''relate'-tionship changed.
         
         Long term relationship unnecessarily scares most guys needlessly, you are not alone in that.  Pay attention to what she told you. She said there is no spark left.  Will explaining your feelings get that spark back?  Nope.  So be the guy that got her interested in the first place.

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         Marisa Wrightposted 13 years agoin reply to this

         Women need to know they are loved.  If, after 5 or 6 months you still haven't managed to tell her how much you love her and how you couldn't bear to lose her, she'll conclude you're just using her and she'll move on.

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5. 64

   Greek Oneposted 13 years ago

   PS.. going into 'wuss' mode or changing the way you interact with a woman is a common problem for all men.  I think it is a main reason why there are so many divorces.
   
   We all just have to remember the reason there was attraction in the first place.. recognized what caused the 'spark' and don't assume that it will just 'be there'.
   
   That doesn't mean you aren't entitled to feel vulnerable, etc.

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      rick023posted 13 years agoin reply to this

      Totally agree with you Greek.  I can be a hard head and sometimes a good bashing or smacking is in order.  My friend said the same thing to me today ... basically said, I need to "grow some balls" and take a stand once in a while.  As I said, I tend to be a go with the flow dude in personal life (friends, lovers, etc), which is fine is some circumstances, but I need to be more assertive in my life.  Otherwise, life will pass me by and others will interpret my "passive" nature as not caring and not showing interest.  This is a work in progress but something I will definitely focus on.  Perhaps, I mis-stated my intentions next week when we talk.  I am not going to explain my feelings about her or breakup but more explain where I think we both went wrong in the past.  Most of it I think stems from our failure to truly explain what we want out of this and how we are feeling throughout the relationship.  This caused me to feel vulnerable and her to feel pressed or stressed to get to a certain level which made her lose the attraction and the spark.  I am going to be perfectly clear that if we continue she can't continue to say things like losing the spark without us talking about it and that we both need to work on this if we want to make this things successful.  To me, as long as both of us are in agreement that the goal of all of this is to continue to build a healthy relationship then we should be good.  How get there and how long we get there is not important, but having both on the same page is.  If in the end we feel it best to move on, then so be it.   I am going to treat the whole conversation in a humorous but serious at time mode and try to tease her throughout as I used to do that a lot.   
      
      We will see if it works ... if not, well we are better off being seperate.

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         china manposted 13 years agoin reply to this

         I would not 'tease' if I were you.  It infers that you know stuff and she is slightly 'less' than you.  I have a huge fault in that I am by nature and military training very sarcastic, this translates in humour as 'taking the  piss' which is basically 'teasing'.  The way to get out of hte habit is to listen and 'believe' that she is right about most things, because she probably is

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            rick023posted 13 years agoin reply to this

            I meant tease in a playful way, not harmful way.  We both are very sarcastic people by nature and I let my sarcastic nature slide as I become more vulnerable and scared ... I need to get back to that is shows confidence and helps remove some of the tension.  Your point is taken though and I will definitely be careful to not come across as mean or harmful.  I always tell people if I dont pick on you (playfully), then it normally means you are boring and I don't like you ... she is the same way.

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               china manposted 13 years agoin reply to this

               I hear you on this.  But I have to come back to say that it is till not a good idea inmy opinion.  It is a form of protection and hiding behind it in the 'comfort zone' it puts around you is counter to a meaningful relationship. Just don't do it at all and you should find that you are left with having to make meaningful converstaion that deas actually expose you without laying out the guts of  your sensitive side that then withdraws.  Teasing, sarcasm, is personality armour and you have to take it off to be the real you.

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                  rick023posted 13 years agoin reply to this

                  makes sense ... I will refrain from the teasing.  Appreciate all the support.  Today is tough for some reason.  This is really hitting me hard today!

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6. 61

   ediggityposted 13 years ago

   Are you looking to get hitched?  If not, then just keep going with the flow until you find your soul mate.

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7. 78

   MayGposted 13 years ago

   Hi Rick023, I think you sound like a very sweet guy, and eventually someone will come along who appreciates you, but I think from what you are saying, that you need to do some work on yourself before you try and get into another relationship.  It is very hard to love someone who does not love themselves, and you say you have self confidence and self-esteem issues.  Perhaps you could get some counseling to help you with this, maybe even a little assertiveness training wouldn't hurt.  You sound like you have a lot to offer, but women and men can become scared of a partner who lacks confidence.  Sometimes they find themselves under too much pressure because they feel as if all of your happiness is dependent on them. You need to make sure you have your own life together, before you can try to have a life with someone else.  You also say that you just let things 'go with the flow,' but I'm wondering if maybe some of your girlfriends see this as lack of effort and therefore lack of interest?  No one wants to feel like they're the ones doing all the work in a relationship.  Good luck.

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      rick023posted 13 years agoin reply to this

      Excellent point May.  I didnt mean to come across as some guy who hates himself and has zero self confidence/self esteem.  In fact, that my self confidence is something that attracted her in teh first place, along with my sense of humor.  When I became vulnerable I should have talked to her as that was a natural reaction from her actions and something that happens in relationships. Instead of talking, I clammed up and became "wuss-boy" which just instantly turned her off and was the downfall.  I can going to explain this to her but also let her know that we both need to communicate more about how we feel and not hold things in (she holds things in also) and that as long as we both want the same thing (to build a healthy relationship), we will be fine.  How long or how we get there is not important as long as we boht want the same thing.  If we dont want the same thing, then we are better off being separate and going our own ways. 
      
      Thanks again and i appreciate your advice.

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   china manposted 13 years ago

   I would agree with DDsurfsca that to some extent you are in love with the idea of being in love.  I would also agree with Greek one that you need to pump you man up and your let a bit out of your sensitive side, just SHOW her how you feel don't talk too much about it.
   
   As to why, I think you think too much of yourself, I don't mean you think you are super-great but just place too much importance on what you think.  The key to the 'keepers' is making them the centre of your thinking - not yourself.
   
   And as for therapy, in my opinion it will do more harm than good, I would suggest that you take all of the advice here, forget about yourself and go and try again.  Keep doing it until you learn about yoursef and succeed.  Good luck

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      Leelinposted 13 years agoin reply to this

      Wow, I feel like I just went through a 5 month relationship and break up...just reading all of that!!

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         Barbiedogwoodposted 12 years agoin reply to this

         same here, its as stale as the now finding out that this conversation was over 2 years ago. An update would be nice.

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   dawnMposted 13 years ago

   Hi  seee what deeo Greek is trying to do but in a very naughty way....
   What happens is that as a woman and a man we still have the dna as hunter and gatherer, a woman needs to fell safe with her man and if she is feeling that you are not confindent in your stance and to much of a go along guy she will not feel that masculin part of you which is sexy in all men.  This really is about you and what you wnat from a relationship and what you feel you are deserving of.  You have to know that you deserve to be happy that you are a great guy and that there things about you that you will not be a push over about.
   
   So if you do need guidance you can reach me at www.thehappyspouse.com or go to my profile page
   good luck

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    starseed4posted 13 years ago

    I suggest you to read my article, where I tell the story how I saved my relationship. Meanwhile my husband and me are even happier than we've ever been before! It's worth it.
    All the Best,
    
    Sharon

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       Urbane Chaosposted 13 years agoin reply to this

       If the dude's still havin' issues, then I think he needs some serious mental help.   He's probably already moved on by now..

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    Inspired to writeposted 13 years ago

    Rick
    
    Just like Cindy Lauper say's Girls just want to have fun lol so be the fun guy she likes the company of.
    
    Now you caused some kind of attraction in the first place that's how she was attracted to you, but then you take the cool approach & lean back to allow her to make all the arrangements.
    
    This is a mistake you must keep the fire burning CONSTANTLY & continue with your attraction traits you instilled as you got together & don't just rely on your good looks to keep em interested either lol
    
    So in other words you are a bit of a pushover, so your girl will take you as being boring, especially if you agree & let her take the lead & make the arrangements. There is no challenge there my friend so create some challenges & step up by not being so agreeable.
    
    Your the MAN she's the LADY.
    
    Do you really really feel attraction for her? Then make her FEEL ATTRACTIVE!
    
    Is she the only girl in the world for you? THEN SHOW HER SHE'S THE ONLY GIRL IN THE WORLD FOR YOU.
    
    When you meet her for a date or when you come home from work, if your living together, BECOME EXITED by her presence & MAKE A BIT OF A FUSS & SHOW HER HOW MUCH YOU MISSED HER & HOW YOU LOVE HER COMPANY!
    
    Show it physically, remember, some folk require just a bit more attention than others, if you don't provide it someone else probably will.
    
    You need to sort yourself out & disregard that your relationships last only 5 or 6 months because deep within this will be your expectations & these can manifest into realities.
    
    These happened in the past & tomorrow is your new future.
    
    Instead instil worthiness within yourself as a human being who has the right to love & be loved. FOR ETERNITY!
    
    Get your own personal value back & respect yourself as a man who makes HIS OWN decisions & calls the shots & your lady will respect you more.
    
    Regards Dale

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    ItsThatSimpleposted 13 years ago

    Rick, I am amazed at the great responses you have received. I can't top them. I just want to wish you luck with your future relationships. Some of the comments have been very good, but very blunt. Coming forward and asking how to improve your relationships is a great step and you do deserve credit for seeking advice. I believe this is the type of proactive thinking women admire.

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       4tuneposted 12 years agoin reply to this

       I agree ItsThatSimplem He is taking a step and that is admirable, so many guys would rather just dodge the bullet and hope for some miracle  fantasy bikini laden chic to solve it  all for them, lol! 
       
       But It don't work that way in reality, No it don't fellows unless you have a HUGE wallet to toss the bills around.. sorry :  (

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    kimberlyslyricsposted 13 years ago

    
    
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14. 0

    kimberlyslyricsposted 13 years ago

    

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15. 63

    Tony DeLorgerposted 13 years ago

    Hi Rick,
    Relationships are really about ourselves and how we respond. How we view and understand ourselves is the key to who we attract in relationships. The more confident and settled we are the more stable will be our choices in a partner. There is no secret in maintaining a long term relationship- it requires respect, understanding and the will and ability to consider the other person first. With both partners having the same attitude, there is little you can't achieve. By far the most important part of any relationship is friendship. Lust eventually wanes and if a solid friendship isn't there, there is no foundation for longevity. Love developes from caring, kindness and seflessness on both sides. So don't keep searching for the answer, rather get it in your head what you want and find peace and confidence in yourself. When you are strong, your choices and decisions will be far more accurate and therefore rewarding. Be Happy!

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    tshiggposted 13 years ago

    Getting you know yourself first is always a great step to having great relationships.
    
    Check out my post "The relationship Equation", My book "What If?" and my website.
    Hope they can help!

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