Would greatly appreciate proofread and layout comments for improvement

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   saltposted 13 years ago

   Ive done a hub I like, yet I feel it needs to be a bit more polished...
   
   If anyone could guide me, appreciated.

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      Sullen91posted 13 years agoin reply to this

      Greetings, I looked over your hub for glaring errors. Here are the punctuation and grammar errors I spotted. I'll withhold comment on the actual elements of the writing.
      
      On the far .. of Africa is a fragment. "Vast distances" is redundant and confusing. "Mine nuzzled in its landscape" is modifying the landscapes mentioned right before, but the use of "landscape" makes it seem like you were referring to the region, since landscapes can't suddenly become landscape, which doesn't make sense anyway. Not to mention, that construction sounds extremely awkward. Typo with "encapulated", which should be encapsulated.
      
      Beginning from "recognized as uniquely divine.., ending at last a lifetime" those are fragments. Several more fragments and a misspelling of "spectoral", which should be spectral.
      
      Grammatically, the biggest problem is the wandering away from the initial point in the sentence and consequent, confusing references. Strive to use simple sentences, and throw in a longer sentence here and there. Make sure to use complete sentences.
      
      Finally, as far as the actual writing goes, you should have a purpose in mind that guides you, helping coordinate the passages.
      
      Please feel free to check out a few of the hubs I've wrote on -- you guessed it -- effective and powerful writing. PS. Don't take offense or anything, about the corrections. I am a hard critic.

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         Sullen91posted 13 years agoin reply to this

         HubPages
         
         HubPages
         
         Erm, these are the two hubs I referred to.

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            saltposted 13 years agoin reply to this

            Umm, I was refering to a region and I like that sentence. In fact Im really proud of it. I thought I had checked the spelling of spectoral and will do so again. Thankyou for the spelling. On the grammar, I will re read, but I was very proud of that paragraph and the nuzzled. If youve ever been to the kimberley region, you would understand the vast distances and the nuzzle does fit in my thinking as it is nuzzled into the east kimberley region. I will re read it - yet I do feel defensive about that paragraph, as I was quite impressed with it.

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   WryLiltposted 13 years ago

   You're allowed to post a link to the hub in this forum.

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   saltposted 13 years ago

   thanks, forgot....
   
   http://hubpages.com/hub/argylydiamonds
   
   i think i need to add a bit about the region, or add a hub that links to this page.

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   Appletreedealsposted 13 years ago

   @salt - Not qualified to critique - but I will offer a few thoughts as a reader of the hub
   
   1. Ia the one-word lower case title on purpose? Google converted the key word search to two words anyway, and general convention is to capitalize title words
   
   2. Is it a sales hub or an informational hub for adsense? You have a lot of links that take a reader off of your page, which prompts them to spend their "clicks" on someone else's URL instead of yours
   
   3. Not sure of the best way to phrase this - but I felt like I was just wandering as I read, did not seem to sense a focus. For instance, you mentioned a 5th C near the bottom of the hub when you had already discussed the 4 C's in the middle. As a reader I immediately felt like that should have been up with the 4 C's text.
   
   Just some thoughts as a "reader". You provided a lot of information, but I somehow felt a little dissatisfied when I finished.
   
   GA

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   travelespressoposted 13 years ago

   Hello Salt
   I read your hub this morning so these are my comments from many hours ago!
   
   The subject matter is fantastic and I like that you talked about pink and yellow diamonds.  I would like to see a GORGEOUS picture of a diamond - not just one selling them.
   
   I agree with another poster about a slight meandering style.  I'm sure that if you go back to it and edit it (with a focus on tightening up the writing) you will see what we mean. 
   
   An idea - Could you break out what to look for in a diamond into a separate hub with a link to it?  Then the focus would be more on the sparkling diamonds in this hub.
   
   Aside from that, I think that adding in a few more capsules with headings will improve it immeasurably.
   
   Overall its very good work.  I hope you take these comments as "just my opinion" as I'm by no means an expert here.  Good luck with some REALLY great sales.  For me - I would LOVE a pink one!

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      saltposted 13 years agoin reply to this

      I know, they are gorgeous!!!!
      
      I thought that, whether I should break the writing up into information about diamonds or keep it based on the Kimberley diamonds.
      
      I think I will re work it as you suggest.

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   Cagsilposted 13 years ago

   Hey Salt,
   
   I just checked out your hub per your request, and found the pictures to be too small. Not to mention, I'm not exactly sure if you are trying to sell something or not?
   
   I see the Ebay capsules and a few Amazon capsules(not loading any product).
   
   I think the format/layout could use a few adjustments, like moving your pictures, to the side of some of your writing. It will clear up some of the "white" spaces on your hub.
   
   Otherwise, I liked the hub.
   
   I hope that helped.

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      saltposted 13 years agoin reply to this

      Hi Cagsil,
      
      Lovely to have a comment by you!! Umm, photo resolution not high enough to put larger pictures in. And there were a number of diamonds in capsules present, so I will check. It is and isnt selling as the diamonds are beautiful and the ones listed on ebay are wonderful pink and champagne diamonds that really do show what argyle diamonds are like.

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