I was diagnosed with BIPOLAR AFFECTIVE, DEPRESSION MODERATE AND ANXIETY DISORDER GENERALIZED .I was put on .5 on xanax three times a day as needed and 50 mg of Zoloft daily. Let me be the first to tell you I thank anyone taking time to read this and give support. Also, I am sorry that this maybe scattered my thoughts kind of ramble.
Today I see the psychiatrist and I am ready. Scared but ready, I was not sure if I should be seeing the psychiatrist but since my therapist is out of town I need to see someone before my thoughts eat me alive. For those who have no clue what is going on with me well. For a little over a year I was suffering from major depression causing me to act out in ways I would never do if I was a level state of mind. I was diagnosed with Bipolar two disorder when I was younger (nine years ago). I never medicated myself because I was unaware of the disorder and I was a teenager and I don’t think any teenager wants to know they have a mental illness because they don’t understand what it is. So I acted like a crazy drunken college kid and had no remorse for my actions until one day I woke up and saw my whole world was crashing down. I decided to tell my husband and my parents for everything I have done. At the time I thought I was not wanted and the bad feelings would go away because they would but I guess I was so far into it that I needed something, anything to make me feel like I was worth it. My husband is a GREAT man and he but at the time we were having a lot of issues my mood was over the top he felt like “he was walking on egg shells” but he did not understand when I told him that I hated my life and I was unhappy and I tried to blame him but in the end it was me. It has always been me, we got married fast. But I love him , I have had doubts but at the end of the day I love him and could not see myself without him. He loves me and he wants me to get better and forgives me. I have never in my life have had a man love me in that way and I am scared that I will lose him because of my thoughts. I really want him to be at my appointment with me today but he is at work. I took off most of this week because I can’t bare my days they are full of panic attacks and anxiety which cause me to sleep most of the day. I was fine for a little while but I did have a set back which cause all my bad thoughts to come back out ten times worse then ever. The set back happened over the weekend I decided I wanted to take my friend out for her birthday so we went to one bar and decided to go to another well I decided to take my meds before I went which was a wrong idea. Some guy kept hitting on me and I would not let me buy me a drink he kept asking for my number I said no i am married. Towards the end of the night after a few drinks i was a drunk i had this smart idea to do body shots but my friend Katie did not want to so her two male friends did now i know what you are thinking (REALLY) but they were gay and I didn’t see anything wrong with it. Then when I went to clean the sugar off of my neck the bouncer said I was bad (mind you he has always hit on me but I never done anything just flirted here and there) and I said wouldn’t you like to clean up this mess and he was like i am working and then i said yeah and i am married. The next day when I was sober I freaked out and told my husband now he was upset about the body shot thing because he knows i would be mad if he did a few off gay females i told him if they were ugly i would not care. He understands that is natural to flirt and stuff, But he does not understand why I cant go out with out him. I told him it is because when i went out before it was because i wanted to feel wanted and I am wanted now and I can't heal this way. I want these thoughts to go away, I am scared that he wont be with me today but I have to battle this alone. I have never been wanted before until I met my husband and that should be enough but for some reason I let that go because it was enough. I don’t know why I am the way I am, I don’t know why I have always been rejected and have done things so other people would miss me I don’t know why. But I do know that I have a great husband who loves me and I love him and I will lose it all if I cant control my thoughts.
