I need to find myself!!!!! Please read!

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   lostandfound11posted 12 years ago

   Ok, Where do I even begin.
   I was 17 years old and had been in a serious of relationships where I was cheated on.  My bestfiend (who is now my husband) and me got together b/c i knew he would never ever cheat on me and I knew he would be good to me.  Bam! 3 months later I'm prego.  Had our child when I was 18 years old! Turns out she had some serious health issues and we have since over came many of them.  We got married when she was three.  Our daughter loves our family and her life and in a sense it seems as if she's grateful to be alive.  She is 6 years old now.  Sorry if I seem like I'm rambeling!  Anyways, I have been doing alotta thinkning in the past few years.  One thing that I have discovered is that I have no freakin clue who I am anymore or what I want outta life.  I'm not necessarily unhappy in my marriage I just feel like the spark we had or thought we had is gone.  I don't feel like he's my husband I feel more like he's my bestfriend.  He works at nights, I work days so we don't see eachother too much.  When he is off work, which is four days outta the week, he sleeps in until 2:00.  He misses our daughters cheerleading games and pretty much misses most of the day with us.  He doesn't want to hang out with people and all he want to do is play xbox and hang out on the interenet.  I have discussed with him how I feel but he seems to not really give a shit. I do not want to live like this for the rest of my life. If I am pretty much going to be a single mom then I might as well make it official.  I'm tired of trying and hoping but the fact of the matter is in the last 7 years we have changed.  I feel lost. I feel like I need to be on my own so I can find myself!!  I'm too young to be in this rut.  I just know how devastated so many ppl will be.  However, I only get one life....and I'd like to make it a good one.  Does anyone have any advice.  I feel like such a horrible person.

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      bluerose139posted 12 years agoin reply to this

      Oh man, that's a tough situation. I don't know that I can offer advice that will really serve you well--the best I can do is tell you what I might try if I were in your shoes. I've also been through some really shitty relationships and am now very happy with a man who I know will never cheat on me...it's a great feeling, right?
      
      If I were you, I would sit him down and explain exactly what you're going through, making it clear that you feel that you either need something to change, or you need to be on your own. If he can't respond to the crisis you're going through, then he is not being as supportive as he needs to be. It sounds like you both work really hard and you're both just trying to get by; maybe try to express to him that you want all of you, as a family, to be happier and healthier. (The way he's spending his life right now doesn't sound particularly fulfilling either!) I know it's kind of a cliche, but I've found that being really honest with my partner is the best thing I can do to keep our relationship strong.
      
      You shouldn't feel like a horrible person, by the way--your concerns sound absolutely valid to me.
      
      I hope this has been at all helpful...I wish you all the best!!

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      iloveglee83posted 12 years agoin reply to this

      I can honestly say I have been there, the only difference is that I dont have a kid from the relationship. I was with my ex for 4 years, the first year was great the last 3 we grew futher and further apart. The main problem at first was that he wanted to stay up all night playing WOW or playing on the xbox. then during the last year I had discovered he started seeing another girl. I kicked him out, a week later took him back cause he claimed he was sorry and he had changed, a week went by of a great man then he went back to always playing games etc. Then 6 months later he cheated again and I kicked him out for good. I realized that I was bettert than that and that I deserved better.
      Now I know you have a child with this man, however I don't thin you should stay if you are truly that unhappy. Our emotions will rub off on the child eventually and if they see you are unhappy then they will feel like maybe they did something to make you feel like that. So your best bet is to sit down, write out some pros and cons, then write a letter to yourself about what you would have done had not gotten married had a baby etc., Then re read that letter and take in what you had told yourself you wanted and then go after it. Having a child should not change that for you.  Remember you deserve to be happy!

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      lostwithinmyselfposted 12 years agoin reply to this

      Hiya, I know how you must be feeling because i been there myself. Its harder when you have kids with that person. I think what you need is to be on your own for a while, yes it will be really hard at first but running back to your ex won't help and it might not even work. Give yourself time and have some YOU time before making any decisions hun. Don't rush things. x

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   jenuboukaposted 12 years ago

   Sit him down, tell him, keep it short, give him a deadline, if needed to decide what and if he wants from your relationship, but be prepared to listen to his needs, maybe he feels the same way and just hides behind his video games.  Give the both of you a couple of weeks to work on it, if nothing prevails Get on with your life, remains friends, remain great parents.

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   lostandfound11posted 12 years ago

   Ok so maybe i forgot to mention that I can't seem to get over my ex boyfriend.  I have recently spoke with him and he says he's still madly in love with me too.  I thought I was the only one haveing these feelings.  It's good to know I'm not the only one.  However, he's married and so am I.  I don't feel like it's fair to my husband that my heart is somewhere else.  I have been trying to get over it for years but I can't seem to.  It's like he's my soul mate.  Now this is not the reason I am feeling this way about my husband by any means but it certainly doesn't help the situation.

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      efeyasposted 12 years agoin reply to this

      Until you can figure out what is going on with your current relationship with your husband you need to stay far away from your ex. Trust me, and I am speaking from experience as I was in a very, very similiar situation, things will end badly. Just think about it. He cheated on you before and that ended the relationship and now he is looking to do it to his current wife. I can almost with 100% certainty guarentee it.  I believ everyone here has given you some very valuable information on your question but in order to make things right with your husband you need to let go of your ex and make a clear headed decision.

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   Home Girlposted 12 years ago

   "I just know how devastated so many ppl will be.  However, I only get one life.... " Yes, you have just one but you are responsible for at least 3. You've already made a mistake, think hard how to correct it so nobody is hurt. I's your responsibility, you are a woman.

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   cairposted 12 years ago

   Regardless of gender or role, your responsibilities are what make you the person you are. You are responsible for what I assume is a beautiful little girl and a relationship with someone you love(d). If you feel your life is in a rut, then you also feel your responsibilities are in a rut. Remember that the grass always seems greener on the other side, but if you act on your impulses, you will soon find yourself regretting your actions and wishing for things the way they were.
   
   Heed my advice - "wanting to find yourself" is merely a glorified, child-like excuse to running away from things you don't have the answer to.

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   ePetNationposted 12 years ago

   You two have simply hit a plateau.  You have to get some excitment back in the hum drum of your routines.  My partner and I try to make sure we do not fall into a routine.  Try sitting him down and asking for a "Date" night.   You do not even have to go out.   Just ask him for a date if he will not ask you.  Plan a special evening.  It does not have to cost anything.  See if you can get him off of all the tech stuff in your home for some good old fashion face time.  Do Not turn on the T.V..  Get out some photos or a photo album if you have one.  Make something special he likes for dinner.
   Sit together and eat and look at the photos and talk about the "good Ole' times.  This may spark something and you will laugh at the pictures, look at the old hair cuts, etc.  Then make a point to compliment each other.  You may have to do all of this first in order to get his attention.  It is hard these days to compete with x-box and the internet, and t.v. but if you put forth the effort and do not get discouraged. It may take a few trys to get it going, but a good date night a week will start to do wonders.  Then try doing something else together. After Date night, have a family game night. 
      Before you throw in the towell see if you can spark something.  I believe it is mostly all of the high tech stuff in our lives that sucks the existance out of us.
   My partner and I have fun. We still leave notes for each other. We dirty text each other. We TURN OFF the Tech stuff in our house so we have to have conversations. We include or son in family game night.  We make a point of having Date night.  We do not go anywhere. We just make a special night for us with no distractions.  We have been together for 8 years and the sparks are still flying. I hope this helps.

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      bluerose139posted 12 years agoin reply to this

      For what it's worth, I think this is absolutely excellent advice. Your comment about making a point to compliment each other was especially interesting, because it echoes some research that was done on the factors that make a marriage more likely to last. The researchers found that the number of positive interactions the couple had each day correlated directly with the likelihood that they would stay together--basically, the more often you're nice to each other, the more likely you are to be happy together. Pretty common-sense, sure, but I think it's something we all need to be reminded of from time to time. My boyfriend and I do little nice things for each other all the time, and I think it really helps us appreciate each other.

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   jenuboukaposted 12 years ago

   Put yourself in your husbands shoes, how would you feel if he was talking to his ex, calling her his soul mate behind your back?  I am pretty certain you would feel hurt and betrayed.  You made a commitment, death do you two part.  Maybe you should of thought a little longer and harder before entering a lifelong commitment.

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   recommend1posted 12 years ago

   There is some excellent advice in this thread !
   
   My thoughts are that you appear to have NEVER been responsible for yourself and your actions - you should take this chance to become an adult and shoulder your responsibilities.  You are responsible for yourself, your daughter and the husband who (reading between the lines) seems to have done you a favour by marrying you.  Stop playing with your ex and get hold of your life and make it work.

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      jenuboukaposted 12 years agoin reply to this

      excellent and brilliantly said recommed1

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