From The Long Journey Home
Lisa Jergenson sat looking around and said, “I’m in town to settle a few of Tamara’s accounts. She had a few things with maturation dates of October first and I decided it was better if I handled their disposal personally. While I was here I thought I’d come by and ask if you might have seen a small silver charm bracelet.”
“Yes,” Jason said, “I have it right here.” Jason got up, pushed an old box of doughnuts out of the way and got to a wicker basket on the refrigerator.
“Here it is,” Jason said, handing it to her.
“Thank you so much,” Lisa Jergenson said, “it’s not that valuable, but it is important to Paul and me. It was a high school graduation present. Money was very tight then, and it was all Paul and I could afford to buy for her.”
“She treasured it,” Jason said, “It was beyond doubt the most favorite thing she owned.”
Lisa held in her hand and almost began to cry, but instead she changed the subject by saying, “Jason, you look like shit.”
“Excuse me?” Jason said, shocked by the older woman’s words.
Lisa began to say what she really came to say, “You don’t think your generation invented the word shit do you? You heard me. You look like shit.”
“Mrs. Jergenson, I’m sorry to greet you like this, but I’m afraid my apartment and I were not expecting visitors.”
Lisa pressed on, “Well, maybe it’s time you should be expecting visitors.”
Jason put up his hands and said, “Oh Mrs. Jergenson, I’m sorry but I don’t think I want to do this now.”
“When then, Lisa asked. “When are you going to stop this?”
Jason was trying to be polite to Tamara’s mother, but he was losing patience, “Excuse me Mrs. Jergenson, I loved your daughter and I mean no disrespect to you, but how I live my life is really only my business.”
“Is that so?” Lisa said challenging.
“I believe so,” Jason said.
“Well, Mr. Monroe, the way you live your life may be your business, but using my daughter and blaming her for your problems is my business, and I want an end to it.”
“OK,” Jason said, “I think you should leave now. You clearly have no idea of what you’re talking about, or what I’m going through.”
“Bullshit,” Lisa said, “I wasn’t born yesterday. Where do you think Tamara got her feistiness from? It took a long time for Paul to settle me down, and I’m not now and never will be docile. I know exactly what you’re doing; I’ve seen it before. You wonder around here moaning and groaning about if you hadn’t done this or if you hadn’t done that, Tamara would be alive.”
Jason started getting nervous. There was something happening here that he couldn’t control. Someplace deep inside a voice was begging this woman to tell him what to do, but he fought it. “How is that blaming Tamara? You don’t know what I did, how I treated her, what actions I had done to bring that biker there that day.”
“Yes I do,” Lisa said, “I agonized over every detail, every scrap of information in Tamara’s e-mails. I beat myself with them trying to find everything I could about my baby’s last days on this Earth. I know about your first encounter with Lockjaw, and how you stood up to him. Are you saying that you should have let him beat the crap out of you and take Tamara? Are you nuts?”
“Well. . .,” that’s all Jason got out.
“Now I’m going to tell you your real problem. You may not believe this but you are not the only one suffering. Paul and I haven’t been exactly normal ourselves. I’ve been obsessed with finding out every, and I mean every bit, of information about her last minutes. I got the list of witnesses, and read their testimonies. Here’s your problem. You’re mad at Tamara.”
“What?” Jason eyes popped out. “Are you crazy? I don’t have to put up with this.”
“Yes go ahead, throw me out, wallow in your little prison and pretend it’s a noble effort. Damn, she got in your way. You were waiting for that moment, the ultimate test. All of your training was for that moment. All that sweat, all those hours, you were ready, and Tamara screwed it up, didn’t she?”
“How can you say that?” Jason raised his voice, “How dare you come in here and say these things to me.”
“DIDN’T SHE,” Lisa yelled.
“I don’t have. . .”
“DIDN’T SHE!!”
“YES!!” Jason screamed red faced. “She got in the goddamn way. What a stupid goddamn thing to do. I had him. I told her to get the hell out of the way. I had his ass. I had him, I had Fernando, I had all the sleazy bastards that walk the Earth, right there and she screwed it up, Damn it. SHE SCREWED IT UP!!”
Jason was gasping for air looking at this fifty something woman in awe of her power. “How,” he asked, “how could you have possibly known what I wouldn’t tell myself?
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