If your a parent please answer this

1. 49

   chanrothposted 12 years ago

   Okay...I'm 22...I'm not a parent of any child yet but I have a little sister. She's 9 years old and when I was cooking for dinner I tell her she must eat rice before dessert. But she wanted dessert before rice. I asked her have she eaten rice yet? She said she ate it since 12pm...but that is lunch...now it's about 6pm...there is a big gap so I asked her to eat rice first. She was angry and called me a bitch! I was really angry and I asked her, what did you just say? she said...your a fucken bitch so shut the fuck up. Your not my momma. I got really angry...and I told her to say sorry. She said no..and I said okay...so if you won't say sorry you wont have dinner nor dessert. She said, I don't care. So...she thought I was kidding...so I threw the dinner and dessert away...I walked into my office and continue working. She saw her food in the trash and she start crying. My parent was angry with me...and I was angry at my parent because they allowed her to cuss me out. My parent said that I was wrong to throw the food away because she's only 9. And I tell them...yeah...she's only 9 with a bad mouth, if she was my daughter she get the worse punishment ever...grounded for several week and out doing community service! Was I wrong to do that? To throw my little sister food away because she called me a bitch and tell me to shut the fuck up? or am I too mean?

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   1. 72

      stylezinkposted 12 years agoin reply to this

      This is hilarious and reminds me of when my older siblings had to take turns watching me. They hated getting stuck with me and I was a picky eater too!
      
      I agree with the majority you shouldn't have thrown her dinner away. Just the dessert, LOL!

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   2. 61

      NiaLeeposted 12 years agoin reply to this

      You are so right, who allows or defends a 9  year old like that??? Parents are often soft on the last children and really spoil them... if she said that to you be assured she treats them the same way or will soon.
      Don't feel sorry or upset, just make sure you determine your relationship with your sister and you don't allow the nonsense they do. She will grow knowing the conditions she can have a relationship with you. Thanks for being a light of her and let your parents read me, please!
      My aunt used to allow my cousin to insult me and tell me he will kill me because he was upset...now she cries on the phone because he curses her out and don't work in school??? principle is principle, she can cry her eyes out now!

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   3. 0

      Daniella Lopezposted 12 years agoin reply to this

      Ah, I used to run into this same issue with my little sister. I think I would have just thrown out the dessert, but I understand that when you're in that moment it's hard to think straight. With throwing away the dessert, you would be teaching her that she doesn't get a treat for acting out. Also, you might not have pissed Mom and Dad off so much by just throwing away the dessert... Best of luck in your sticky situation. =/

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   4. 73

      tiffany deliteposted 4 years agoin reply to this

      You did the right thing! By the age of 9, she should be able to make herself a sandwich or some toast or a bowl of cereal or something so it's not like she is going to starve because you threw the food that you prepared for her away. Now maybe your sister will think twice before acting like a little brat to you!

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2. 82

   Rafiniposted 12 years ago

   Wow.  First off, yes, you were wrong to throw away the food, wrong to withhold food from a child.  However, you were right to insist she eat the most nutritional food before eating the least nutritional. 
   
   In the future, try incentives rather than punishment.  It works better.

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   1. 73

      tiffany deliteposted 4 years agoin reply to this

      The girl was 9. She should be able to fix herself something to eat by that age so it's not like she would starve. Maybe next time she will think twice before acting like a foul-mouthed brat to her sister.

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3. 49

   chanrothposted 12 years ago

   haha..just like my parent said...my mother cook dinner for her now...I thought it would be a lesson for her...I'm not good dealing with children. My parent tell me that if I have my own child then I will know exactly how it feel. My dad thinks that I'm old enough to know what is right and wrong...especially withholding food from a child...and I tell them that I'm giving her a lesson. I got hit on the head by my dad. He said if I want to teach a child, there is something different beside throwing food away...the word bitch and F*** just throws me off the ceiling.

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   1. 61

      NiaLeeposted 12 years agoin reply to this

      duh, he hits you on the head and wants you to be patient with cursing??? oh oh, I guess he needs some advice and a reality check, a child that says that at that age, may hit him later on...

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      1. 61

         NiaLeeposted 12 years agoin reply to this

         true remaining calm is the best start though I understand you are young

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4. 85

   rebekahELLEposted 12 years ago

   It sounds like a control issue, not anything to do with making sure your sister was fed properly. It was your responsibility to feed her. I think throwing away food doesn't solve the problem. Remaining calm and asking her to apologize after she calms down may have worked better. Forcing an apology does nothing.
   
   Reacting in anger is not the best solution.

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5. 49

   chanrothposted 12 years ago

   You are right...reacting in anger is not the best solution. Thanks for an advice I start to feel a bit guilty now. I better keep this in mind so I won't make the same mistake twice.

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   1. 85

      rebekahELLEposted 12 years agoin reply to this

      We all make mistakes, don't beat yourself up feeling guilty. Maybe have a talk with your sister and let her know it was wrong to throw away her food but that you were upset when she called you names, and that was wrong also, (calling you names).
      
      CJ made a good point about offering her dinner, but no dessert when she was being disrespectful.

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      1. 87

         SimeyCposted 12 years agoin reply to this

         I agree - the punishment should have been the loss of dessert - you should have let her decide whether she wanted to eat dinner! I think it is good that you came on here seeking advice and seem to be listening - it's not easy for a parent, and being a sibling can actually be tougher as you are not Mom or Dad!

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6. 62

   Lisa HWposted 12 years ago

   I think if I were in your situation I'd tell my parents that if I were babysitting the little sister I didn't want to serve dessert, because 1) nobody really needs dessert, and (more importantly) 2) she won't eat her dinner, and the whole situation just turns into a big fight. 
   
   I'd suggest your/her parents tell her there won't be dessert, but if she behaves while you're minding her she (and anyone else) may have a little treat (the dessert) once they're back home.  If she mouths off and acts up - no treat at all.   I think they should tell her right up front why dessert isn't going to be part of the meal, because maybe it will help her learn that "making a big stink" means not having something that would otherwise have been nice.
   
   I think the fact that she's foul-mouthed is really your parents' problem; but I think, too, you have a right to expect she (nor anybody else) talk to you that way.  There needs to be some consequences that you can tell her (in a firm, no-nonsense, but calm voice) "I'm not going to tolerate your talking to me that way, and if you do then _________________"  (fill in the blank for the consequences).  The consequences could involve something like your not playing a game with her, your not taking her somewhere she likes you to take her, etc.  I think first you should talk to your parents, tell them you aren't going to have her talking to you like that, and ask them if they have some consequence in mind if she even starts talking that once.  If they don't have any consequence in mind that you could use as a consequence; then I think you should just tell them, "If she talks to me that way, I'm not going to play any games with her (or take her to dancing school)" (that kind of thing).
   
   OR, you could agree with your parents that she can do whatever she wants when you're watching her but NOT yell and swear at you.  See her as their problem; and as long as she's not lighting matches (or something), just be there in the house in case some emergency were to happen.  Let them worry about how spoiled she is on their own time.  If she's generally spoiled, she won't get any worse if you let her do whatever she wants to do when you're minding her.  (Again, their problem - not yours, as long as she's quiet and not making her big stink.)
   
   OR, you could tell them she's too much for you to deal with; and you don't want to mind her any more.  Let them find someone else who can deal with her.  That puts the problem back on them again too.
   
   Another suggestion:  Your parents should tell her absolutely what is expected of her while they're out.  They could write in on paper and stick it on the refrigerator, and go over it before leaving.  Your sister would know the rules for herself.  You'd know the rules.  You could tell her, "I'm not your mother, so there's the rules.  You can follow them and that'll be fine.  If you don't do what they want you to do (or not do), I'll tell them when they get home."  Beyond that, don't get into it with her.  If she does something like eat dessert before eating dinner, and that was on the list of "no's" in the rules; tell your parents; and let them deal with it.  They'll know whether she followed their rules.  If she didn't and if they do nothing - again, their business and their problem.
   
   In fairness to her, she's right. (It's only fair to think of her side to things too.) You're not her mother.  Also, it's understandable that she got upset at having her food thrown out, and nobody who feels "wronged" feels as if they should be the one to apologize (so that probably made her even more upset/angry and made the situation worse).  There's a point where, if your parents were out just once (rather than leaving her with you while they work every day), if she ate her dessert for dinner, so what..    You could have told your parents she wouldn't eat and ate the dessert instead; and they could have dealt with it (or not).
   
   (We've got a big storm going on where I live, and trees are dropping left and right.  Thanks for giving me something else to be thinking about, rather than where the next tree is going to fall.      ).  If none of this particularly applies to you for some reason, maybe some of it will at least offer some different perspective. 

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7. 84

   CJ Andrewsposted 12 years ago

   I would say she should not have talked that way.  Only 9 is not an excuse to me - it makes it even worse actually.  I try not to punish with food because is does send  an incorrect message.  I would have only made dinner and simply said it is your choice to eat your dinner or not eat your dinner.  But you will not be getting dessert.
   
   If your parents have not taught her to respect the people watching her or to respect her family, I would be honest with my parents and tell them I do not want to watch her if they are going to undermine your authority and making the situation harder.  I hope that they did not talk to you about this in front of your sister because that would have undermined it already.
   
   This can be hard to have an open and sincere conversation with a parent about other children.  Keep your calm and before you say anything know if you are willing to back it up or not.  If you are not willing to back it up.
   
   That is a short version, but I wouldn't put myself in the situation.

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8. 52

   Margaret Reidposted 12 years ago

   I am sorry but I disagree with the majority of your replies.
   Your little sister should not be using language such as that! There also has to be repercussions for her actions.
   Personally I would not have thrown out her food but I would have punished her in some other way, grounding her? Taking away her favorite toy or game?
   Unless there are repercussions for her actions, she will never show you respect and you are entitled to this if you are to be left babysitting her.
   I think your parents were wrong in chastising you for your actions and should appreciate the position you were placed in. They would probably just be upset at her not eating but lets face it, she's not going to come to any harm for missing one meal!
   Explain to your parents that you find her attitude is becoming more confrontational with you and talk about how they suggest you deal with it.
   You would be silly to overlook such behaviour as it will escalate believe me.
   
   As a mother of 3, with a 10 yr age gap with the youngest I have been through this exact situation with my youngest two and I had to accept that my little one had to respect the older one but it was hard as she was the baby.
   She was shocked the first time I backed my son up for punishing her (which was taking her playstation away from her!) but once she learned I was not always going to back her up 'Every Time' she misbehaved, she learned really quick to be respectful to everyone and returned to the happy, pleasant child that she is.
   Chin up and have a chat with your parents once the situation has cooled down.
   Wishing you well
   Love
   Margaret x

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9. 77

   Mighty Momposted 12 years ago

   I agree with those who say don't beat yourself up over this.
   You handled the situation the best you could at the time. And I daresay learned a lot from it.
   
   Here's how I see it.
   The great advantage you, as a 22-year-old, have over your 9-year-old sister is self-control. You lost yours when she cursed at you. (Trust me, I've done the same numerous times).
   Something important I learned when my own son was in his "oppositional-defiant" stage is the power of disengaging.
   If someone is out of control and trying to get you to go to 10, don't go to 10. Don't let them get to you.
   The best action is to walk away and calm down.
   Hard to do when someone's calling you names you didn't even know she knew (or at 9, has any business knowing).
   Next time, try to remain calm.
   And diffuse your sister's emotion by putting physical space between you.
   (Perfectly fine to give HER a time out as well -- send her to her room till she can speak to you with respect).
   
   Final thought: Your parents should have backed you up in this situation.
   My opinion. MM

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10. 49

    chanrothposted 12 years ago

    Please don't be sorry, I'm open up to many replies...because I'm learning from all of you. I rather instead thank all of you for using your valuable time expressing your thoughts on my situation. Your teaching me something here...and I'm open to learn from it, that's why I decided to reach for other parent advice. I'm not a parent...and maybe this can be a great lesson for me when I become parent myself. I'm still angry with her odd language...I do not know where she learn that from and it is the first time ever she cussed me out. For some reason today just trigger the light and it really did burn both side. My parent was mad at me because I throw the food away and about the bad word...my mother has her own show...I called it a 24hr radio broadcast...

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    1. 60

       mom101posted 12 years agoin reply to this

       My son is overweight, and the doc told me to put him outside and lock the door for one hour everyday.
       
       Of course I didn't do that, but he was serious.
       
       I see no harm in what you did. The child has to learn. If that had been the only meal she would have had that day I can see not throwing it out.
       
       Some parents let their children get by with so many things just to keep them from "acting up". This is doing children far more harm than good.
       
       Your sister learned several lessons during that episode and that is a good thing.

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11. 59

    krazikatposted 12 years ago

    Ok, first of all...I am so sad that a 9 year old is speaking like that! And even more saddened by that fact that it seems as though she was not punished by the parents for speaking in such a way that goes beyond disrespectful. How does she speak with her teachers? How does she speak with the parents? They need to have a serious talk with her about appropriate behavior and set expectations and consequences. She needs to understand that such behavior will not be tolerated. How sad.
    
    As far as throwing away the dinner and the dessert, I have to say that I do not think you did anything wrong given the circumstances presented. Like many posters have said, perhaps just tossing the dessert would have been punishment enough, but she is not going to be hurt by having one dinner tossed out if she normally eats a balanced diet. I also feel that the parents should ultimately be the ones to step up and set her straight on appropriate behavior as well as telling her that she is expected to respect you when you are watching her.

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12. 70

    AEvansposted 12 years ago

    Alright, first never throw out the food. You can remove it , but don't throw it away. Next time she does it find a corner and put her in time out. Since she is 9, that would be nine minutes. Have her face the wall and always remain calm. If she starts screaming and yelling tell her that will be an extra minute. When she calms down walk over to her and say something like, " beautiful little girls do not use foul language". Explain to her that, yes you are not her 'momma' but you are her sister, you love her and she needs to respect you. Always go to eye level when you are talking with her. When she apologizes tell her to go back to the table and she will eat whatever is on her plate and dessert will come last. Make your self clear to her and be firm.
    
    Second, your parents should never allow that to happen and should not make excuses that she is 9. A child speaks what they hear and she has picked those words up from somewhere. Your parents need to address her behavior and let her know that she would receive consequences if she ever speaks that way to an adult again. It does not matter if you are her sibling her not, respect needs to be given!

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13. 69

    mom0f2posted 12 years ago

    I have a little sitter that is 12 now, I treat her just like I would my own, when she was little and stayed with me she would say "me, don't like it, it make me sick". I would make her sit there and eat my mom never said anything about how I tried her.  If she said to me what your sister said to you she would of got more of a punishment and she would of ate her food and not got dessert.  I think that when parents have a child later in life and they have older children that they are not as strick on the younger children I see it will my parents.  There is no reason she should of said that to you and your parents need to address that now before it gets worst.  Best of luck.

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14. 0

    Emile Rposted 12 years ago

    Your parents should have backed you up.
    
    Food problems like that, I would put the food away in the fridge and when my son was ready to eat that's what he ate. I didn't care if it wasn't until the next meal. He then had left overs. They need to respect the time, effort and cost put into preparing meals.
    
    Foul language, when my child became aware of it. I explained that it was similar to inserting the word like at the beginning of sentences only less socially acceptable. I told him it was an indication that the person using the language was either too mad to think, or unable to think of an appropriate way to express themselves. But the important thing to remember was that the person using the language was always viewed as someone incapable of thought. Not as an intelligent and mature person. He's never used foul language that I know of since. He doesn't like to be perceived as unintelligent.

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15. 61

    ediggityposted 12 years ago

    I think you did the right thing, but I would have put the food in the fridge for later.  You let her know that when you're in charge she can't get away with that behavior.  Additionally, I think your parents should have praised you in front of her for taking action when she acted like a brat.  Do they let her get away with similar bratty behavior, or does she only act that way around you?

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16. 82

    S G Huppposted 12 years ago

    I'm going to slightly disagree with most of the opinions here and say that I don't think there was anything wrong with throwing the food away.  The truth is, calling your older sister a effing b*tch is NOT normal behavior for a well adjusted 9 year old girl.  There is a parenting issue here.  Throwing the food away was a symbolic way to get the child's attention after she behaved in a shocking fashion.  Obviously, hunger isn't really an issue here because she wasn't hungry enough for rice, only for sweets, and I don't think you should ever require a child to eat old or cold food in order to make a point.  I think that this child is used to exerting her power over her parents and it was good for her to learn (even if it was from her sister) that that kind of behavior isn't acceptable.  As for the "you're not my mother" remark--it was also completely unacceptable.  The response is "No, I'm not your mother, but your mother left you in my care and that means that I'm responsible for you and you need to listen to me."

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    1. 74

       prektjr.dcposted 12 years agoin reply to this

       SG,
          I agree with you here!  I would have thrown out only the dessert and given the 9 year old the choice to eat rice or go without.  Her hunger would have been her choice.  Dessert in the trash proves that she will not be getting it - period.  Sharing the shock value that she pulled with her language.  The response of "I am not your mother, but I am the person your mother chose to be responsible for you...." is excellent. 
       
       I am sorry Chanroth that your parents failed to back you up!  If your sister had talked to Grandma that way, your parents would have supported ANYTHING Grandma had done!!  They chose you to be responsible, therefore they should have respected you and supported you.  They could have used this as an opportunity to help you fine tune your skills as a parent, however, with this child, they obviously need to practice being parents with her!!  She was wrong and was throwing a childish fit.  It is hard as the "adult" to not throw a fit ourselves.  We all do it every now and then....don't be so hard on yourself!
       
       Tips for the future:
       Give a choice.  Eat the rice and get dessert.  Don't eat the rice and NO dessert.  Her choice. 
       Talk respectful and I will play a game with you.  Talk trash and you go to bed early.
       She will be making her own choices and you will simply follow through with the choices.  You can set these up with your parents before the go out again.
       
       I would also set up choices with your parents, hon!
                    Tell her to behave or take her with you.
                    Back me up or find another sitter.
            Then follow through with them!

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    2. 85

       Chasing Rileyposted 12 years agoin reply to this

       I totally agree. There is definitely a parenting issue when a 9 year old is swearing at her baby sitter. I think it's good that you are seeking advice. I also would have only thrown out the dessert. The best advice I ever got about dealing with kid issues is to look at every bad situation as a teachable moment. In a perfect world, it's best to try not to get caught up in the emotion of an incident and figure out how you can best turn it into a lesson. That being said, you are 22 and you have years to learn to be a parent to your own kids. I guess it's good that you are getting some practice.

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17. 0

    TheNewCindersposted 12 years ago

    I fight like this with my siblings - and I see my two teens fight like this.  It is normal.  I think you both sound like headstrong individuals. 
    
    It was probably a bit strong to throw her dinner away - but nothing she won't recover from - all is fine.
    
    And she does deserve tackling for her language - we all need to learn how to treat people.
    
    It sounds like you have your head screwed on to reflect so well despite clearly being annoyed by the situation!
    
    

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18. 49

    Purple Perlposted 12 years ago

    I am glad you are seeking other parents' advice. Normally, a 9 year old can feed herself,but perhaps that particular meal time she was depressed or upset over something maybe not having her parent feed her. You could have lovingly told her to eat up and after a little while you could have tried to feed her with a spoon yourself. Perhaps you need not have told her about the dessert until she had finished her meal. Sometimes, promising to play a game or giving her a favorite toy after she finishes her meal might work. But, one important thing to note is that the tone of your voice must be loving,so that even if she knows foul language she will not end up using it on you. Love and patience with a child is necessary but reprimanding is equally important.

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19. 60

    ALURposted 12 years ago

    My first thought is that you are not supposed to be the parent. I'm glad you're reaching out for advice but YOU are
    a child yourself and the wya your sister is has been a pattern set in motion. Sometimes not taking it personally(that's hard!) and understanding where she's coming from helps reveal more than you may be prepared to handle.
    Keep being a good sis instead of a parent!

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20. 59

    teddi6posted 12 years ago

    I don't care if I was 9, 29 or 109, if had used that language in my parents home - even to a sibling, I would have been choking on my teeth.  My mother would have back handed me so fast. She had a lethal right that came out of nowhere. To this day I clean up my potty mouth when speaking to my parents. It's a matter of rspect, respect and I can't outrun Moms back hand.
    
    It sounds like your parents are enablers, who seem to reward obtuse behavior. They need to realize that you raise your children to get along in the world, not to rule a household.  If she took that behavior into high school, or the workplace I can well imagine she's going to have few, if any, friends. The world is not very kind to people who don't feel they need to conform.
    
    As for tossing the food, I would have, too, with gusto! You don't want to eat, fine...into the trash it goes!
    
    Remind her that unlike the Kardashian's - IT AIN'T HER SHOW!!!

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21. 42

    dresslineposted 12 years ago

    I am a new here, nice to see you and i am just a kid not a parent .

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22. 81

    Mark O Richardsonposted 4 years ago

    Pick your battles. I always eat desert first! )

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