so confused, and dont know what to do?

1. 59

   tperkins-tylerposted 12 years ago

   I'm so confused. My husband and I have been married for 5 yrs now, together for 10 total. He is my best friend. We have a nice life together and I do believe that we are closer than we've ever been. However, last year at this time, I found out he had been flirting online with other women and although that has stopped, something else has taken its place. He is so focused on hobbies, dreams of projects and such that its almost like those "things" are his mistress now. I love him and support his dreams. And by the way, our sex life is and has always been awesome. So as you can see..I'm confused. Any good advise to help me out there?  What am I doing wrong?

   replyreport
   1. 60

      couturepopcafeposted 12 years agoin reply to this

      Why do you think you're doing something wrong? It's not wrong for your husband to want to grow in his dreams. The fact that you're not involved is what's really bothering you. You feel isolated. Maybe engage him in conversation about those hobbies, etc., and thus become part of it.

      replyreport
      1. 59

         tperkins-tylerposted 12 years agoin reply to this

         His dreams and hobbies are all we ever talk about. Period. He doesn't ask about my day..because he is too involved in himself to care about nothing but that. He never asks about my day..and if he did..he would be too pre-occupied on the internet to stop and listen. I have many hobbies of my own..because I feel alone in this relationship. If I were to stop giving to "us" he would ask what is wrong? And if I told him the truth, it would end in an argument because he doesn't. Want to hear about reality. So now what?

         replyreport
         1. 60

            couturepopcafeposted 12 years agoin reply to this

            It takes two sides to argue. What do you do when you "stop giving to us"? When he asks what's wrong, tell him you are filling your time with something that interests you. Nothing more. Do it with a smile. When he drifts away, he'll either come back because you're not there or he'll not come back. Either way, you win because you'll have your sanity, integrity, self-respect and the truth.
            
            The idea is to do what interests you not to cause a wedge between you and your husband. If the marriage is what interests you, then you have to decide to support him. Ask him what you can do to help him grow his new business or whatever it is he's doing.

            replyreport
2. 68

   Pearldiverposted 12 years ago

   It more than likely doesn't help that you prefer to travel incognito!

   replyreport
3. 60

   Disturbiaposted 12 years ago

   Maybe after 10 years of being together, he just wants some space.  Perhaps you should find some hobbies or projects of your own.

   replyreport
   1. 59

      tperkins-tylerposted 12 years agoin reply to this

      My husband does what he wants to do. Which means he has more "space" than most in this marriage. I do have my own hobbies.... but I didn't go into this marriage hoping for a separate life without my husband. Living as roomates until sexual needs have to met. I'm just explaining our situation. Not complaining.

      replyreport
      1. 60

         Disturbiaposted 12 years agoin reply to this

         Yes, I understand, he's just not there... not physically, not emotionally, and he brings nothing to the table, but if you were to point this out to him, he would be surprised, because I bet if you asked him, he would say he is a pretty good husband.

         replyreport
4. 40

   pharuk temmy tposted 12 years ago

   You are not confused is just that you are only feeling insecure. Just continue supporting him like you have been doing...everything is fine.

   replyreport
5. 61

   Randy Godwinposted 12 years ago

   You've certainly come to the right place!  HP has some of the best armchair psychologists and marriage counselors on any writing site. 
   
   
   
   
                          

   replyreport
6. 67

   Joyfreakposted 12 years ago

   I don't think you are doing anything wrong. Just support his hobbies and interests, show him that you care about his projects and stuff. And not to forget that people change and 10 years is a long time and as some people also said he may need some free space. Why don't you find some hobby just for yourself. Good luck!

   replyreport