Is this relationship worth working on?

1. 57

   Tibbyposted 16 years ago

   I just started seeing a guy a couple of months ago that I've known for 10 years. 
   Here's the plus side:
   - He tells me he loves me and I believe him although, I'm always the one that says it first  : (
   - He's usually very reliable when we do make plans. 
   - He's pretty good at returning emails 
   - He tells me that he loves me (although it's me that has to instigate) but I do believe him
   - We have a lot in common and he's very interesting and we really do have a really good time together when we do see each other. 
   - He says he's in it for the long-haul and that he has never had cheated on his lovers
   - He's always home when he says he's going to be home and always returns my calls.
   - Things were really good just not lately
   These are the negatives:
   - I'm the one that always makes the first move in almost every aspect
   - he's really ashamed of his place right now, because he lost everything in his last relationship, so I don't get been invited over
   - In his last relationship which was open, he had 3-somes with his partner.  He says that's in his past.  I hope so.
   - when we had a disagreement 2 weeks ago, he walked out on me.  In facebook next day he listed himself as "in a complicated relationship", which he changed the following day when he took his relationship status off completely.  He told me it was to get my attention.  Now he's listed as "looking for friendship" which I'm ok with, but it feels weird. 
   - lately he's been distant - although he says he loves me and maintains its because of his medical condition (which he has) and his company was in the middle of moving offices.
   I realize that it's only 2 months, but because I've known him for so long, even though casually, I feel like I've know him forever.  Question is:  Is this working on?  Do you think this is just a rough patch and I should see it through a little further or do you think I'm setting myself up for emotional fall-out.  Is it selfish of me to ask that we commit to spending weekends together?  Do you think things can change or is he delaying inevitable mediocrity?
   Any comments, advice, negative or positive would be really appreciated!

   replyreport
   1. 57

      Tibbyposted 16 years agoin reply to this

      I dumped him on the weekend.  He didn't show up on time.  His excuse was "I work, get used to it".  He's a drama queen and I wrote this poem about him.
      
      MSN Facebook Drama Queen
      
      Websites are your only friends
      Chatlines help you make amends
      while strangers see your perfect smile
      from profile images you compile
      
      Every millisecond of every hour
      your inbox is your only power
      when it empties online off you go
      in search of others to devour
      
      Things are perfect when you control
      a person using digital
      the most passive and most perfect rape
      to make you whole, to make you great
      
      At any cost
      At any means
      MSN facebook drama queen
      
      Email texting narcissist
      you run like a child
      when things aren't best
      your online friends are just a lie
      they don't care if you live or die
      
      emoticons, a smiley face
      xo means in that special place
      silence means that you're afraid
      to meet and talk away the pain
      
      At any cost
      At any means
      MSN facebook drama queen

      replyreport
2. 59

   Mark Knowlesposted 16 years ago

   No.

   replyreport
   1. 64

      Mishaposted 16 years agoin reply to this

      What he siad

      replyreport
3. 0

   helenathegreatposted 16 years ago

   It sounds like it might be his personality to be reserved, or it might be because of his last relationship that he's lost all confidence.
   
   Obviously only you can make the decision of whether or not to work on it, but you should let him know what's bothering you.  But also let him know what you LOVE about him, like that he's reliable and loving!  Ask him if he feels comfortable taking initiative more often.
   
   I'd say give it a bit of time if you really love him.

   replyreport
4. 60

   vrecccposted 16 years ago

   And yet another resounding NO

   replyreport
5. 0

   helenathegreatposted 16 years ago

   Can those of you saying no clarify why?

   replyreport
6. 60

   vrecccposted 16 years ago

   Did you read the negatives???

   replyreport
7. 0

   helenathegreatposted 16 years ago

   Yes?  It seems like they could all be explained away and aren't necessarily automatic dump-him things...  Maybe I'm missing something?  I also almost always believe the best of people, so it might not be great to listen to me, haha.

   replyreport
8. 60

   vrecccposted 16 years ago

   Being a guy has something to do with it for me. Also, I won't judge the 3-way thing. However, habits are hard to change, and if the 3-way isn't her cup of tea.... well... he's likely to get the itch and then want to scratch it.

   replyreport
9. 0

   RFoxposted 16 years ago

   Women are great at excusing behavior.
   If the men here say No, then listen.
   Men know men best.
   And I have to say from being a tomboy and hanging out with guys so much I have to add a No too.
   
   Sorry
   
   If a man truly loves you he takes the lead. It's in their nature. Even if they're super, super shy if they want you they will say something.
   
   Wait for the man who will call you just to talk. He's the guy who's really in it for long haul. Good luck.

   replyreport
10. 67

    Angela Harrisposted 16 years ago

    I agree with the guys and RFox on this one.

    replyreport
11. 59

    Mark Knowlesposted 16 years ago

    Feel better?

    replyreport
    1. 57

       Tibbyposted 16 years agoin reply to this

       I feel a lot better.  I really appreciate the support from you all.  I've never been on a message board before and you all really helped me in a time of need and confusion - and you don't even know me.  Thank you.  I'm a gay male actually (Tibby is the name of one of my cats).  I hope I did not mislead anyone and I apologize if that's the case.  I will say though that I find it ironic that problems in relationships can be parallel even given different sexual orientation.  The weird thing about this guy is that he is really scared about what I'm going to say about him.  We have mutual friends, and if they ask me what happened, he wants us both to say that it just didn't work out and that the other is "still a nice guy", I guess to save face.  I'm still really angry about how he treated me and the situation and don't think I can hold back.  Even in his rebuttal email to me yesterday he said things like, it's always about you...your needs...you are selfish...don't play the victim here...and then changed events to his suit his position.  All I wanted was to spend some time with the person I loved and I feel that he used that as control.  I feel that he was selfish and disrespectul to me.  I'm not going to make anything up, but I need to express myself.  He expects me to hold everything in and keep the whole thing like hush hush.  I don't consider myself vindictive but...I'm also thinking that if you want to treat people like crap, don't think that I'm going to keep this a secret...am I wrong?

       replyreport
       1. 0

          RFoxposted 16 years agoin reply to this

          If people ask. Speak the truth. You can do that without malice because it's the truth. If he believes people will think bad of him because of the way he treated you, then what does that say about how he treated you
          Glad to hear you're feeling better. Kinda funny I assumed you were a woman. I don't usually make assumptions. Lol.
          Nice to see we were helpful to you. And happy to see you were strong enough and loved yourself enough to move on. Too many good men in the world to waste time on a dud!

          replyreport
       2. 59

          Mark Knowlesposted 16 years agoin reply to this

          Well, this is not really a message board, but you are welcome.
          
          The name threw me too. I don't know many men called Tibby, so I just assumed also. The advice stands though. 

          replyreport
12. 81

    Princessaposted 16 years ago

    No way...
    
    I like being treated as a Princessa and so should every women.  If he walked out on you, too bad. Someone who does not appreciate you, does not deserve you!   
    
    Just returniing emails and phoning when he sais he will is not enough to hold a relationship.  Come on, you do not even get invited over to his place!  When we love, we love THE person an expect the same in return.  I think that if you were not invited it was not for shame but because after a long relationship he wants to keep his privacy.  That is also why he is not prepare to 'jump' and tell you he loves you -without prompting.
    
    For get about him, or just keep him as a friend.  There are plenty of nice, loving men around. 
    
    Good luck

    replyreport
13. 57

    Tibbyposted 16 years ago

    So much to learn.  Maybe you're right, I should change my alias to reflect correct gender...I'm thinking maybe Lance or Brock, what do you think ? 

    replyreport
14. 59

    Mark Knowlesposted 16 years ago

    What's your given name?

    replyreport
15. 57

    Tibbyposted 16 years ago

    Yes, I suppose I could also use Chris.  Will do, thanks.  Issue resolved, thanks everybody.

    replyreport
16. 57

    Tibbyposted 16 years ago

    One last note.  I realize now that I am not as much angry with the individual as I am with myself for getting into this situation.  I saw the writing on the wall a lot earlier but did not act on it because I wanted so badly to be with someone - to feel loved.  I do love myself and just have to be more selective.  I think we can get into patterns and my lifetime goal will be never to go back into this kind of negative energy again.

    replyreport
17. 81

    Whitney05posted 16 years ago

    Cute poem.
    
    No comment towards the relationship. I'm not in a place to give advice in that area.

    replyreport
18. 57

    Tibbyposted 16 years ago

    Thanks, actually, I added a few more lines...
    
    MSN Facebook Drama Queen
    
    Websites are your only friends
    Chatlines help you make amends
    While strangers see your perfect smile
    from profile images you compile
    
    Every second of every hour
    your inbox is your only power
    when empty online off you go
    in search of others to devour
    
    Forgotten what is face to face
    You make your friends in cyberspace
    Promoting sexuality
    Through virtual reality
    
    Messenger texting narcissist, you run like child
    when things aren't best
    your online friends are just a lie
    They don't care if you live or die
    
    At any cost
    At any means
    MSN facebook drama queen
    
    Perfect love when you control
    a person using digital
    most passive and most perfect rape
    to make you whole, to make you great
    
    emoticons, a smiley face
    xo means in that special place
    silence means that you're too lame
    to meet and (talk) away the pain
    
    Your facebook love is just a myth
    Which brags about the one you're with
    As status soon to be updated...
    "Relationship is complicated"
    
    At any cost
    At any means
    MSN facebook drama queen

    replyreport
19. 67

    Angela Harrisposted 16 years ago

    Good for you, Tibby. (About dumping him, I mean.)

    replyreport
20. 55

    babbinttonposted 16 years ago

    well, talking about marriage or love,firstly,compatibility mean alot in A relationship,but woman can be so dangerous sometimes,true love does not exist anymore,but its good be married.

    replyreport
    1. 65

       SparklingJewelposted 16 years agoin reply to this

       Men are just as dangerous as women in various ways...what danger are you talking about? What is true love...has it ever existed? Humanity has painted a picture of love that is confusing and misguided for the most part. Marriage and compatibility are good, I agree.

       replyreport
       1. 57

          Tibbyposted 16 years agoin reply to this

          I think we are all equally as dangerous given the circumstances.  But that's a different forum perhaps.  "What is love anyway, does anybody really love anybody anyway?"...If I may quote Howard Jones.

          replyreport
21. 40

    privateye2500posted 16 years ago

    another simple - NO
    
    NO
    
    NO
    
    NO!

    replyreport
22. 0

    MOmmagusposted 16 years ago

    I'm sorry, I think he just wants to screw you over.

    replyreport
23. 57

    Tibbyposted 16 years ago

    Thanks.  You are sooo right.  Luckily I found out about the person early enough in the relationship.  It's incredible how emotions can be so overpowering and how they can alter judgement.  A very manipulative fellow indeed as I look into this in hindsight.  Oh well, another opportunity to write more lyrics!

    replyreport