DR. Ahorsebacks Advice Column for Lovers ! Now Open!

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   ahorsebackposted 11 years ago

   I HAVE LONG HELD A DESIRE TO PASS ON MY EXTENSIVE AND MUCH  REQUESTED ," HANDS ON " KNOWLEDGE-  ABOUT THE NATURE OF MAN AND WOMAN IN RELATIONSHIPS -------GO AHEAD ASK ME ANYTHING - MAKE MY DAY !.............:-}
   
   
   small print - exclusions !,any advice used from this forum post and deemed a failed or an insignificant  piece of advice cannot be used against me in a court of law !.......Dr. Ahorseback.

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2. 92

   habeeposted 11 years ago

   Dear Doc,
   
   I need help! I have a terrible crush on my first cousin. I don't know why Herman turns me on so much, as he's not at all physically attractive. He's a midget, and he's completely bald. He only has one eye, along with one very big eyebrow - a unibrow. He also has some nasty habits, like picking his nose and scratching his private parts in public. Even so, I fantasize about him all the time. Every time I run into him at a family function, my heart goes pitter-patter. What should I do? How can I get him out of my mind?
   
   Redneck Cousin-Lover

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   ahorsebackposted 11 years ago

   Habee ! Hello dear ! Well as I've told you again and again , first you should never go to a family reunion to pick up dates ! now Secont ' ,why in the world are you so tall anyway ? And I already told you three times to stop drinking that homemade booze ......,I'm tellin ya , its hurting your vision !  Oh and you should look into the family history and see which circus performer  mowed your grandma's lawn for so many years !......Glad to be of help !.....:-}      This is fun !

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      habeeposted 11 years agoin reply to this

      So...you mean it's okay to date outside the family?? I was always told that if you ain't good enough for your own family, no one else would want ya!

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         ahorsebackposted 11 years agoin reply to this

         Yes ! Habee ! Oh my god ! I heard that too, in fact I did have a kissin cousin once , Even now its hard to be around heere without thinking french kiss !......lol

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4. 71

   cleaner3posted 11 years ago

   Dear Doctor,
   My problem is that I have written poetry for my own  enjoy ment and Now that others have read it , it has drawn me attention from females who have fallen in love with me .
   The problem is that they live on the other side of the world and although they profess their love  endlessly,  We can never be together. what do I do ?

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   ahorsebackposted 11 years ago

   Ahh Cleaner my little grasshopper ! I feel for you man , I know the problem well . Thing is...... when I finally show my picture to them they all of a sudden have a nother life somewhere !.........:-} Happy holidays man !

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6. 59

   ReneeDC1979posted 11 years ago

   Wow Doc - I heard about you.  Your advice seems great.  I'll give it a try.  I learned my alphabet today, but now am depressed cause all of the letters are gone.  Please help -how do I get over the letters - they're gone - gone I tell ya- GONE!!

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      ahorsebackposted 11 years agoin reply to this

      Renee ! Thats because you didn't send ME the letters !  Love letters will do just fine , I won't hold that against you !.........He he he

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         ReneeDC1979posted 11 years agoin reply to this

         Dear Doc,
         Do You Love Me?
         I Love You/
         
         Sincerely,
         ReneeDC1979
         
         P.S.  I'm Cured!!!!

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            ahorsebackposted 11 years agoin reply to this

            Yeaaaa ! She loves me , been trying to get someone to say that forever ! Keep on smiling that charming smile and you'll own me !......:-}

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7. 73

   brakel2posted 11 years ago

   Hey there - I have a spouse who sometimes forgets me. if someone opens the door, he walks through and almost lets it slam in my face. I feel like I am invisible. Once he really slammed the door on me. What can I do to cure him?      From The Invisible Wife

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      ahorsebackposted 11 years agoin reply to this

      Brake , Personally , he sounds like he needs a good  A@# kicking , my advice as he steps in front of you the next time jab him there with your sunbrella point! Works every time !  I would open that door for you ,stand back and smile while you passed me !Like this .....:-}

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   fpherj48posted 11 years ago

   Dear Dr.......I have recently met the most wonderful man and I think I'm falling in love.  He is smitten with me too and has talked of "long term" commitment.
   I am a firm believer in being Totally honest and forthcoming about my life, family and all personal info.  I don't  think couples should have any secrets from one another.
   However, I may need to make this time, an exception to my rule...I really need your wise advice on this.
   I'm comfortable telling him most things...such normal facts like:  I am the product of incest, my mother was a stripper and prostitute until she was 50, my Dad got involved with the MOB and because he owed them money, he had to pay them back by murdering a few random people, My sister is in rehab for the 12th time, but she just called me and said she was being kicked out for doing cocaine in the rec room.....I did spend a short time behind bars due to a little pilfering when I worked at our local bank.  Four of my five ex-husbands have restraining orders against me, and I have Herpes.
   But I'm scared to death to tell him that my brother is a U.S. Congressman.  What should I do?

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      habeeposted 11 years agoin reply to this

      
      
      Good one, effer!

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         fpherj48posted 11 years agoin reply to this

         Sure, Habee....that's easy for you to say....Your brother's not a Congressman!!

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      SomewayOuttaHereposted 11 years agoin reply to this

      this was good!....or what about a....ummmm....i can't get it out....a lawyer!

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      ahorsebackposted 11 years agoin reply to this

      Fpherj, NOO , what ever you do girl -do not divulge that secret , hes sure to drop you like a hot restraining order !  Sounds like youve paid your dues too but my God ,you're related to THAT!  I'm sorry-  we may have to perform surgery ! Wanna play nurse ?

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   SomewayOuttaHereposted 11 years ago

   Dear Dr.
   
   what if
   he is
   no longer
   ..............................................................................?
   
   thanks in advance!

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    ahorsebackposted 11 years ago

    Somewayoutahere !  Call my private line immediately !  I have to see you right away , I will shuffle my schedule around  ,this is serious  !........The lawyer thingy though ,you'll need a specialist :-}

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11. 59

    ReneeDC1979posted 11 years ago

    Oh Doc,
    Now I'm really screwed.  I woke up this morning with a burn on my arm because I stood too close to the stove and lost my balance and well I'm sure you can figure out the rest.  But, now my other arm is having sympathy pains and tingling every 3 seconds.  How do I relieve this feeling? 
    
    P.S. My burned arm fell off last night after I laid on it.  I tried to sew it back on, you know how girls do when their dolls arms fall off.  But, I wasn't as successful.

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    ahorsebackposted 11 years ago

    Renee,  I have to see you right away and of course again and again ! Could you teach me to sew !

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       Beth37posted 11 years agoin reply to this

       Do you think you can aid what ails me Doc?

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    ahorsebackposted 11 years ago

    We lets see Beth !  First you have to ...no wait  ............well first you could tell me why you came to see the doctor , how have you been feeling ?  Whats going on in your life , do you eat an apple a day ? Or are you fruity at all ?  And of course ?  How do you plan on paying me !.....lol

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       Beth37posted 11 years agoin reply to this

       There is a dude who appears to be a bit stalkerish here on HP's. I haven't responded to his emails cause then he would have my actual email address right? How do you suggest I shake him Mr. Ed?

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    ahorsebackposted 11 years ago

    Beth , what ever you do don't stalk him back ! 
    You owe me one chicken !
    I'm a home visiting doctor .
    [no ,don't email him ]

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       Beth37posted 11 years agoin reply to this

       lol

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    ahorsebackposted 11 years ago

    .......Uh Beth , wheres my chicked ?.....He he

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