Constructive criticism required!

1. 80

   tom_catonposted 11 years ago

   Hi everyone. I'm just looking for some feedback on This Hub which I published 2 days ago.
   
   The score has been gradually going down and I wondered if anyone might like to offer some criticism for me? Maybe you could help me understand where I've gone wrong, or whatever.
   
   Cheers

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   1. 91

      LCDWriterposted 11 years agoin reply to this

      Maybe it's for grammar and sentence structure?  I mean the topic seems good.  But just in the first two paragraphs there are some problems:
      
      There's nothing quite like a really good tour of some pubs and a brewery with a group of friends. It takes you out of your local (should be "locale" I think or maybe you meant to add a noun), brings you to other bars and towns, and introduces you to new beers, ciders, (and) maybe food (comma) too.
      
      With a little prior research and planning (comma) this can be great fun for everyone, and it really need not be difficult to put together,(run on sentence, put  a semicolon here or make a new sentence) here are the basics to cover first.
      
      Maybe just going over the grammar will help?

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      1. 89

         chasmacposted 11 years agoin reply to this

         Actually, "local" is correct in this context, at least in British English. It's a well-understood shorthand for "local pub". I don't know about other forms of English, though, and I'm not sure where Tom is from. He mentions a pub in Edinburgh, so it suggests he's using British English, but he also spells 'humour' the American way (humor).  I agree about the other points, but does HP really have a grammar checker advanced enough to spot those mistakes? Compared to hubs in general, I'd say the grammar and spelling in this hub are above average.

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         1. 91

            LCDWriterposted 11 years agoin reply to this

            Those crazy Brits. ;-)

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            1. 80

               tom_catonposted 11 years agoin reply to this

               Buddy you have no idea

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2. 71

   Anna Havenposted 11 years ago

   Hi, the hub is interesting and entertaining and it does hold that interest right through. I would agree with the above comments totally that the grammar is perhaps the problem.
   
   Run it through the grammar checker on your word processing package and it will sort out the punctuation. I also think it would be beneficial to shorten some of the longer sentences, as some are too long to flow comfortably. There is a word missing far down the page and a spelling error with a missing first letter, small things that will be easily fixed.
   
   A few simple tweaks and I am sure that your hub will be flying high, as it is a witty, good read.

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   1. 80

      tom_catonposted 11 years agoin reply to this

      Overly long sentences are probably my biggest weakness, it usually takes me several re-edits to iron them all out... They'll be the death of me!

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      1. 71

         Anna Havenposted 11 years agoin reply to this

         We all have our little writing quirks!
         I am eternally grateful to the grammar checker for my spacing.  My biggest flaw is leaving two spaces between some of my words. I don't know how they sneak in there!

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         1. 80

            tom_catonposted 11 years agoin reply to this

            Oh gods that happens to me too, it's like your keyboard's out to get you sometimes isn't it!

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            1. 71

               Anna Havenposted 11 years agoin reply to this

               Absolutely, and it always wins

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               1. 80

                  tom_catonposted 11 years agoin reply to this

                  Tell you what's worse actually, trying to do hubs on tablet computers. First of all the hubtools are buggy and it's very hit or miss when trying to edit or add boxes. But the really killer is the touchscreen input, the cursed autocorrect, and the (again, buggy) tendency for the typing to jump to wherever in the box it damn well pleases. Resulting in text like this;
                  
                  
                  
                  Painful, painful process

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                  1. 71

                     Anna Havenposted 11 years agoin reply to this

                     

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3. 93

   LongTimeMotherposted 11 years ago

   Hi Tom, I've just taken a quick look and here are my thoughts.
   
   I don't believe there's any problem with what you've written. I suspect you just need to adjust the formatting. I notice that you've used bold to visually divide the text. Go back and edit using new 'text capsules' to divide the sections, give each one a relevant heading, and see what difference that makes.
   
   Also, take a look and see if you have any empty capsules. You won't be able to tell until you open the hub in edit mode. Look for little boxes where photos should be etc. If you don't have a photo for it, just delete the capsule.
   
   Your writing style seems fine, so I think this type of fine-tuning might help. Good luck.

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4. 80

   tom_catonposted 11 years ago

   Thanks for taking a look everybody, i really appreciate that. As for grammar, i had a feeling there would be trouble, the hub was composed on a french computer which won't load an english dictionary (though try as i might). So everything is underlined in red. I'll go back over it in non-editing form...
   
   The mode i used to divide the text was done on purpose, though perhaps this was a mistake, I just think the headers are a touch too big for this style of article. Perhaps I'm just being too fussy.
   
   The use of 'local' was intentional (British English) though perhaps i could rephrase it.
   
   Again, thanks for taking the time to look!
   
   Oh, and one other thing... Witty... Ha! Awesome! I can't tell you how much thats made my day

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5. 94

   SmartAndFunposted 11 years ago

   Hi Tom,
   
   I enjoyed your article. Just a thought, though: since it is a how-to article, I was expecting to glance over it and find the basic steps. What about the putting steps in bold as the headers to your text capsules? I would love to see the basic steps in bold, with the details written below. Perhaps bold subheads along the lines of:
   
   Decide upon a theme
   Make a guest list
   Check out breweries in your area
   Map out your route
   Call for reservations
   Arrange transportation
   
   IMHO I don't think a few of the phrases you've put in bold are very important, for example "Assuming that you don't know where you want to go yet," "If, for example" and "Also worth your consideration." On the other hand I think that your use of bold in "Where, when and who," "the finer details" and "The only thing left to consider really is safety" are the types of phrases that readers will want to zero in on, so I do agree with your used of bold type there.
   
   Just my opinion - perhaps you were not wanting this to be a "step one, step two" type of article. If not then please ignore my advice, or ignore it anyway if you like, lol. Sounds like a fun activity and it is an engaging article already. Best wishes!

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   1. 80

      tom_catonposted 11 years agoin reply to this

      Thanks for the input SmartAndFun, I see what you mean about making it look more like a step-by-step instructional - which is partially what I had in mind to begin with.
      
      The problem with the layout probably comes from the way I composed the whole hub, I wrote the first two boxes then just sort of added what came to mind as I thought of it, possibly makes it a little disjointed!

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