Motherhood

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   hack writerposted 9 years ago

   Is the worst mom maybe the best? Because she teaches her children all they need to become strong?

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      Millionaire Tipsposted 9 years agoin reply to this

      No.  I read a quote once. I don't remember it exactly, but it goes something like this: A mother's job is not to show her children how cruel the world can be. A mother's job is to teach the children how to make the world a better place.

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         hack writerposted 9 years agoin reply to this

         I like that. But isn't this what I might be doing (without having a manual or plan just by mother instinct)? Show my kids what they might want to address before they take it out. So that they don't have to face the cruelty out  there but only mine? I don't know. But I agree our job as a mom is to make sure this world is good enough for your children and mine. I think if we can both think "our children" we are fine.

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         1. 79

            Sed-meposted 9 years agoin reply to this

            The fact that you are concerned about your approach shows that you do care. Of course you do. I have 4 kids, two are adults, (one married, one single), one in high school and one in elementary school. As long as we are human and flawed, we will always have regrets. I can tell you I regret having been too critical on my first. For some reason I thought we shared the same mind. Turns out, she has her own. I have been a pretty good mom, if I do say so myself, but not perfect, for sure. The greatest thing you can do is love them and pray for them. I always remind myself that God loves them more than I do. This is one of those million year old poems, but it will always ring true, I hope it is of help to you.
            
            
            CHILDREN LEARN WHAT THEY LIVE
            Dorothy Law Nolte
            
            
            If a child lives with criticism,
            he learns to condemn.
            
            If a child lives with hostility,
            he learns to fight.
            
            If a child lives with fear,
            he learns to be apprehensive.
            
            If a child lives with pity,
            he learns to feel sorry for himself.
            
            If a child lives with ridicule,
            he learns to be shy.
            
            If a child lives with jealousy,
            he learns what envy is.
            
            If a child lives with shame,
            he learns to feel guilty.
            
            If a child lives with encouragement,
            he learns to be confident.
            
            If a child lives with tolerance,
            he learns to be patient.
            
            If a child lives with praise,
            he learns to be appreciative.
            
            If a child lives with acceptance,
            he learns to love.
            
            If a child lives with approval,
            he learns to like himself.
            
            If a child lives with recognition,
            he learns that it is good to have a goal.
            
            If a child lives with sharing,
            he learns about generosity.
            
            If a child lives with honesty and fairness,
            he learns what truth and justice are.
            
            If a child lives with security,
            he learns to have faith in himself and in those about him.
            
            If a child lives with friendliness,
            he learns that the world is a nice place in which to live.
            
            If you live with serenity,
            your child will live with peace of mind.
            
            With what is your child living?

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            1. 60

               hack writerposted 9 years agoin reply to this

               I like the poem very much.
               
               I think for my particular situation I will add a few lines though:
               
               If a child lives in a protective bubble,
               she might not learn to be self-reliant and careful.
               
               If a child lives without true challenges,
               he might not get to enjoy true self-esteem based on overcoming his personal hurdles.
               
               I think what a mom needs to provide depends very much on the child and the situation.
               
               If children live in a stable environment and get a lot of acceptance, encouragement and security from outside, it might be the responsibility of the mom to sharpen their senses and dare them.
               
               My Honduran, Syrian and Ethiopian sisters have other thoughts on what is best for their children, I am sure.

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               hack writerposted 9 years agoin reply to this

               Sorry, I forgot to answer the question -
               Q: "With what is your child living?"
               A: "With Gun Lobbyists"
               (not at home, but that seems to be the world out there.)

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            3. 83

               gmwilliamsposted 9 years agoin reply to this

               All mothers tend to be the harshest and most critical of their first child because they are new parents, testing the waters.  Also the first child is the testing child so to speak.  Parents since they are new have stricter parameters for themselves as well as the child.  However, with such succeeding child, parents have more experience thus they are more comfortable and relaxed regarding their childrearing practices.  The last poem is so true.   Many critical and perfectionist parents regret later on as to how they raise their children.   
               
               P.S. I am not a mom but I have a mom and have been around other moms. Listen to others talking about their moms for better or worse.  Also read books on birth order.

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                  hack writerposted 9 years agoin reply to this

                  Would you like to be a mom gmwilliams?

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                  1. 83

                     gmwilliamsposted 9 years agoin reply to this

                     I neither wanted to be married nor have children.  I am happily single with no regrets.   However, all people should love and respect children as they are precious in God's sight and they are our future.   All children should be nurtured and guided with the best of love.   Remember, being childfree does not mean that one hates children.  Being childfree is a choice which should be respected.   There are people with children out there who SHOULDN'T have children in the first place by the way the latter is treated.

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                     1. 60

                        hack writerposted 9 years agoin reply to this

                        I love it!
                        
                        Being child-free is a choice which should be respected!
                        
                        Absolutely!
                        
                        And I'd say it is a choice one should make after having completed due diligence. Somebody I know even says there should be a psychological assessment for parents-to-be and I think that would be actually a good idea.
                        
                        It sounds like you feel the need to defend yourself for this choice you made and I think this is part of the problem.
                        
                        I think the expectations we all feel, the pressure to have children and not just any children, no, of course we need to make bigger and better children (like we have to make everything bigger and better these days) puts so much pressure on us moms. So we try to do more and more.
                        
                        And I am just wondering if we are doing too much.
                        
                        I thank you, dear gmwilliams, for your contribution. I think that was very helpful.

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      2. 93

         Susana Sposted 9 years agoin reply to this

         I think this is the quote you mean?
         
         

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   2. 60

      hack writerposted 9 years agoin reply to this

      

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   3. 60

      hack writerposted 9 years agoin reply to this

      I would like to invite a dear friend of mine to give us her opinion on this.
      
      She is one of the best teachers I know. Never arrogant. Nonchalant on top.
      
      A teacher, who thinks outside her classroom box. One of the people who's facebook links I follow, whose e-mail I open with delight and certainty that I will find something authentic and good.
      
      She is one of those teachers of mine, I have fond memories of.

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      1. 60

         hack writerposted 9 years agoin reply to this

         Our search is over. I know she has read them all! (Don't feel bad now. It's easy for her, she just soaks them up.)
         
         My friend said "I think you would love the book Loving Your Kids on Purpose. The two main themes of the book are building deep heart relationships with your kids and teaching them to make their own choices and to choose for love - teaching them to be independent and responsible. You would also like the Love and Logic parenting series I think."

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2. 60

   hack writerposted 9 years ago

   I am so hard on my son, because and only because I Iove him so much.

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   1. 91

      LongTimeMotherposted 9 years agoin reply to this

      I don't know how old your son is now, but I suspect you might regret this approach in the future. If you consider yourself to be 'so hard' on him, how do you think he's going to view your mothering as he gets older and with the benefit of hindsight?
      
      Loving someone is no excuse for treatment that is mean, if that's what you're doing. Just ask anyone who has been the victim of domestic violence or poor parenting.
      
      
      
      This makes no sense to me, hack writer. Looks to me like you're seeing things back to front. There's every likelihood that your child will face cruelty at some time out in the world ... and where will he run for safety and refuge? It doesn't sound like home with his mother will seem too appealing.
      
      I think you should aim for being firm but fair ... and at all times being loving. If you're not setting him a good example of how wonderful and soft and beautiful a relationship can be, where is going to learn that?

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      1. 60

         hack writerposted 9 years agoin reply to this

         I wonder though, if I want to make it appealing to my children to run home for safety - if this shall be their first resort?
         
         This is exactly what I am struggling with. Thank you helping me see this more clearly.
         
         I have no idea how long I will be here to spread my wings for them. So I wonder if I serve them better by holding back as long I possibly can, to encourage  them to deal with life on their own.

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         1. 93

            Susana Sposted 9 years agoin reply to this

            It doesn't matter how long you may or may not be around for. Families are there for love and support and that's what children need to know deep within every fibre of their being. They need to experience it to learn it.
            
            To leave our children floundering when they need help is a bit twisted IMO. All it will do is make them feel that they are unworthy of support, love and assistance, which is not at all helpful in the long run.
            
            People who suffer from mental health issues usually have very ingrained feelings of unworthiness....
            
            Just something to think about.

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            1. 60

               hack writerposted 9 years agoin reply to this

               I agree 100 % that no human being should ever be made to feel unworthy.

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   2. 89

      savvydatingposted 9 years agoin reply to this

      I am sure you love your child and want the best for them. However, the thing I hear from family psychologists is that if you teach your children how cruel the world is by giving them challenges that are meant for adults, then you run the severe risk of raising a bully. The other thing they say is that it is more important to teach your child that the home is a safe place to be, not a place to be dreaded. That being said, children also need parameters, so that they can develop the inner discipline needed to attain goals.
      Long story short, they'll learn about the harsh things of life soon enough. Your job is so build their self-esteem in a nurturing manner so that they can withstand challenges as they get older. In other words, make them confident, not suspicious. Otherwise, they will always be on the defensive...and that's not healthy. Also, such children are unable to sustain rewarding relationships with others down the road because they have been taught that everyone is out to get them, more or less. In time, they will likely resent you too, for what they considered harsh treatment, or they may be too harsh with their children. Good question, though.

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         hack writerposted 9 years agoin reply to this

         I wonder how I can build someone's self-esteem though? Meaning how is self-esteem built? I wonder if the best self-esteem is built by each individual within each individual independent from the all too common "good job [you lifted a finger]".

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         1. 89

            savvydatingposted 9 years agoin reply to this

            I hear you and I'll get back to you. There are lots of ways...but right now I have to get ready for work. However, I will write back with practical ideas. It can be done...I know because I did it with my own child and he really has his act together, plus he has empathy for other people...which is what you want for your child..

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               hack writerposted 9 years agoin reply to this

               Thank you, savvydating, working mom.
               
               Another thing, I think doesn't hurt children - a working mom. Not a workoholic mom, but a mom who lives real life, helps support the family, a mom, who stays out of her children's way long enough for them to learn more independently for a few hours a day.
               
               Stay at-home-moms, I know your job is the hardest, least respected, most difficult and important job out there and I know you are giving up so much. Your career, independence, adult conversation.
               
               But please don't look down on us working moms too much.
               
               I did it myself. I stayed home for 10 years. Now I am working part-time. And I thank my employer silently most every day for allowing me to work around my children's schedule.
               
               This is not possible in every job. If I had the choice between staying home or working full-time, I think I would still work full-time not only for financial reasons but also for my daughter. I want to role-model the working mom not the stay-at-home mom. Starting at a certain age I think children benefit more from the mom who doesn't hover non-stop over her kids and lives in a not-only-child-focused world for reasons discussed above and below.
               
               Every child, every mom and every family situation is different, but in general, I wonder if it does children good to focus on something besides them for a little bit of the day.

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                  savvydatingposted 9 years agoin reply to this

                  I don't look down on stay at home mom's. I stayed home the first year of my son's life and it was great!
                  I worked quite late today and I'm rather tired, but as soon as I have some extra time, I will see about finding some worthwhile articles for you from family psychologists regarding raising secure and confident children. For now, just know that it is a positive when a child can turn to his parents for emotional support, and that doesn't mean you have to "hover." Child rearing is not as black and white as you may see it right now. Balance is critical. I'll see what I can find for you in the way of a good article or pdf. Until then, have fun with your little one....Savvy.

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   3. 89

      savvydatingposted 9 years agoin reply to this

      I don't think he does necessarily. I put the question to you because you said this, "I feel when my son  is around me his aches become almost a matter of life and death. He wants to shrink himself."
      "But I don't want to make him weak and needy. The question is what causes his need for my attention?"
      So, in essence, I am trying to figure out the family dynamic here. In one way, you seem to be quite nurturing, yet you asked the question "Is the worst mom the best mom? So I guess you are saying that perhaps you've been too "hovering" and now you want to stop that and that the worst moms don't pay as much attention to their children.  I guess I'm not clear on what you mean by worst mom. Are you saying you're maybe too nurturing and that you would like to implement some "worse" mom strategies in your parenting?  It's really not that black and white.
      As you know, a good mom has a balance. She is neither too hovering or too strict. It sounds like that is what your aiming for...and that's great.

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         hack writerposted 9 years agoin reply to this

         Sorry for the late reply. I didn't see your message right away.
         
         I think you are right. I think I want to aim for the middle. Trying to be the best is just too much of a good thing, trying to be the worst is not for us either.
         
         We should start a new movement. Breath easy parenting. Or parenting for independent children.
         It would be good for the children. It would be easier on the moms.

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         1. 89

            savvydatingposted 9 years agoin reply to this

            "Breathe Easy Parenting".....I love it. That's a great name for parents who just want their children to grow up to be confident and capable, but who are worried that they, as parents, are not doing ALL they can do.  Really, you are so right. It's all about breathing easy. By the way, French parents are good at not stressing overly much---though they do push their children to do well scholastically (if they are good parents). Anyway, you might want to take a look at some of the popular books out there that have been written by french moms. Seriously, they don't sweat the small stuff. It's amazing!

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            1. 60

               hack writerposted 9 years agoin reply to this

               Breathing Room for Mothers
               
               https://www.polleverywhere.com/my/polls

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               1. 60

                  hack writerposted 9 years agoin reply to this

                  Looks like mommies are pretty happy.
                  
                  50% like being a mom, 45% say it takes a lot but gives a lot at the same time.
                  
                  Beautiful.
                  
                  http://www.polleverywhere.com/multiple_ … Ncy0/embed

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                     hack writerposted 9 years agoin reply to this

                     I wonder how the other part of that relationship feels like...

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   4. 77

      Kathryn L Hillposted 9 years agoin reply to this

      If you do not understand how nature builds a man, love is not enough. We need instruction manuals… Montessori wrote those books:  The Secret of Childhood. The Absorbent Mind.
        She discovered:
      The first six years nature builds the psyche. The child absorbs his environment in an indelible way and on a subconscious level.
      Then, the next six years, the child learns the boundaries for living in the world on a more conscious level. Children are naturally obedient at this time.
      
      At 15, the formation of the independent will of the child is complete. In other words he is his own person with his own will.
      
      Your work is pretty much done by 15. This is a really amazing thing to realize. This is why it is so important to create a relationship throughout childhood of mutual kindness and respect while staying in a position of authority. Most parents don't understand how to maintain their position of authority. Europeans and other cultures traditionally do. We Americans want to be friends with our children which does not benefit them. Without the parent being in charge and knowledgeable about life, children feel insecure.
      According To My Understanding, (based on Montessori's discoveries.)
      (So, Take it or leave it.)

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         hack writerposted 9 years agoin reply to this

         I take that!
         
         I have sent my kids to a Montessori School. Unfortunately I always wondered how much they train the teachers there to not only call it but think the Montessori way.
         
         But yes, I am a fan.
         
         So I have 3 more years to help shape my son's rest of his life. 6 more for my daughter.
         
         I bet I can beat the timer! I just hope I am right about the way to go.
         
         I thank you for that!

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         1. 77

            Kathryn L Hillposted 9 years agoin reply to this

            You are welcome! Do you have those books?  Many people do not comprehend the true meaning of "sense of order" when they read Dr. Montessori. It refers to the sense of how things are… or how reality is absorbed and ordered within the mind.
                 My mentor, who was my childrens' teacher, worked directly with Dr. Montessori. I read these books and constantly conferred with my children's teacher. 
            Even when my kids were older, (late teens) I would call her, frantic for answers... until she died of heart problems in her 80's. One of my last questions was this:
            Don't kids have free wills and aren't we supposed to be working with them on that level?
            She seemed alarmed. She said, "Get a good book and read it." She gave me the name of a book, but I don't remember which book… It was about a man who had survived a Nazi concentration camp. He had been in touch with his own self the whole time. Montessori was very big on the importance of being in touch with the "inner life."
            
            The teacher's answer to my question was this:
            
                             "They have their own wills to GUIDE."
            
                 So, everything we do is to help them learn to guide their own wills. Education, Montessori believed, was a help to LIFE. So what we do is help them learn to live in the world and be successful in it through the cultivation of their own interests and skills. For instance, my son loved computers in the 80's, so I picked up many computers for him in garage sales. He now operates his own company via computer and is doing quite well.
            Also, you are very wise to realize most Montessori teachers are not very competent. They do not bother to confer with her books. Her teachings have been exceedingly diluted. I was recently in one so called Montessori school. The equipment was in dismal condition and it was apparent it was never used. It was so pathetic! But, unless you see it in action as I did, the methods are not really understood.
            The secret is in setting the boundaries. Setting the boundaries is one thing… knowing how and why is another.
            Do you have a specific question?

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3. 0

   swilliamsposted 9 years ago

   I think a mom who values discipline can be viewed as mean. However her children will thank her in the end due to their structure and achievements in life.

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   1. 60

      hack writerposted 9 years agoin reply to this

      I think so too. All I know is that I do have the fondest memories of the teachers who were honest about my shortcomings and pushed me to work on them. I forgot the others.

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      1. 89

         savvydatingposted 9 years agoin reply to this

         One thought before I go. Discipline is a good thing. The question is how do you discipline and how do you push? There are good ways and detrimental ways.

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            hack writerposted 9 years agoin reply to this

            You are right. This is a very good question. How to push. Do some children even need a little pulling back?
            
            Is this a question of nature vs nurture?
            
            How I wish we could have Ms. Einstein weigh in on this discussion.

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            1. 93

               Susana Sposted 9 years agoin reply to this

               I think you'd enjoy these parenting websites:
               
               http://www.handinhandparenting.org/
               http://www.gentleparenting.co.uk/

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               1. 60

                  hack writerposted 9 years agoin reply to this

                  Thank you, I do like them. I will email them right now and see if they have a specific answer to our question: Is the worst mom maybe the best for their children."
                  
                  I found a bit that can help us with our discussion
                  quote http://www.gentleparenting.co.uk/kc/gen … tingtips/: "If we allowed our children to make mistakes and valued their opinions they would grow to respect the opinions of others and know the value of good and bad choices at an age when they need it the most."
                  and
                  quote http://www.handinhandparenting.org/arti … -our-best/ "We expect ourselves to be naturally good at a job we haven’t been trained, mentored, or prepared to do."
                  
                  But neither one quite addresses the topic of " Is there a general answer to the question of how much interference is good for a child."
                  
                  So let's see what experts have to say. While we are waiting I will try to find more parenting advice from
                  * Rafe Esquith, an award-winning American teacher, who said quote "If a child can do ten multiplication problems, why make her do five hundred? And if she can’t do ten, why in the world make her do five hundred? No matter what skill I’m teaching, I value quality over quantity.” http://www.hobartshakespeareans.org/
                  *Angela Duckworth "According to a psychology study from A. Duckworth and M. Seligman (University of Pennsylvania) self-discipline is twice as important for school success as intelligence. The future will belong to hungry kids – not entitled kids. Kids who know how to work hard, delay gratification, make sacrifices and discipline themselves. Children who were taught the lessons of No.
                  https://sites.sas.upenn.edu/duckworth/p … -statement
                  * Lise Eliot, Ph.D. Associate Professor of Neuroscience who says "Intelligence is determined equally by genes and environment, which means you can still do a lot to improve a child’s intellectual abilities. Several studies report a significant cognitive and language advantage of children in high-quality child care facilities over those reared at home. Group care enriches a child’s life. What promotes high-achieving children’s cognitive development in the long run are measures that foster children’s enthusiasm, industry, preseverance and motivation to learn. http://www.liseeliot.com/whats-going-on-in-there

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                     hack writerposted 9 years agoin reply to this

                     On Wednesday, August 20, 2014 8:49 PM, William Shakespeare <donate@hobartshakespeareans.org> wrote:
                     
                     
                     Dear Nicole,
                     
                     I certainly do not have all the answers. I can only offer you an opinion.
                     
                     I think there needs to be a balance. We want to protect our children from the world, but as Atticus Finch tells his son "there's a lot of ugly things in the world, son. I wish I could protect you from all of them. Sometimes that's just not possible."
                     
                     I think parents need to have a balance...sometimes kids need to be left alone, even to fail. That's all part of growing up. The most successful kids I know internalize a strong set of values from their parents, but go out on their own to find their way in the world.
                     
                     I agree that self-esteem without skills is a hollow accomplishment.
                     
                     I am not fond of tiger moms. It's all about them and not their kid. As a teacher, I present a role model, and then get out of the kids' ways...
                     
                     Hope this helps.
                     
                     Rafe

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4. 0

   guyrichieposted 9 years ago

   The worst mom will not care about rearing her children neither mould them to be upright members of society. Child rearing is no easy task, it requires a lot of input and sacrifice.

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5. 60

   hack writerposted 9 years ago

   Yes you are right. The worst mom would take the smooth ride. "Here you go have a cookie and enjoy your video." Child rearing is nothing but a sacrifice. You offer either loving service or loss of self esteem. Or could it be a little more constructive and challenging? Like "Carrots are outside ready to be harvested and while you are at it, can you invent a new thing"?

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6. 91

   LongTimeMotherposted 9 years ago

   This thread is proving very interesting, hack writer.
   
   Your opening question was "Is the worst mom maybe the best?" which suggests you've been given reason to consider the issue of being 'the worst mom'. Why is that?
   
   If you established this thread hoping to receive widespread support that your approach to mothering (as you present it here) is actually wise and good, I trust you are noticing that at least a few of us disagree.
   
   You wrote "I wonder though, if I want to make it appealing to my children to run home for safety - if this shall be their first resort?"
   
   Many of us with adult children know full well that our kids are capable of setting their own personal challenges and living independent lives ... but when they need help they can approach us without expecting judgement or harshness.
   
   Kids who grow up in a truly loving environment have no need to prove anything to their parents and no fear of being considered 'failures'. These are the kids who turn to their parents when they are troubled, not to drugs etc.
   
   In my youth I knew a young woman who became a prostitute because she lost her job and couldn't pay the rent. That was preferable to admitting to her parents that she'd 'failed'.
   
   I also knew another who was beaten to death by her violent defacto. She'd had plenty of chances to leave him if only she'd had somewhere to go.
   
   All those years ago I decided what kind of mother I wanted to be. Happy to say it works for me and my kids ... even when we live on different sides of the country (or the world).
   
   You'll have to make your own mothering decisions. Just remember you can't turn the clock back and relive his childhood. The type of relationship you form now is the one you'll be stuck with when he grows up.
   
   Good luck with it.

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      hack writerposted 9 years agoin reply to this

      Thank you moms for digging in!
      
      Did I say I am the worst mom?
      
      I am not the wary type but when it comes to child rearing I am strangely risk-averse. In general I think a balanced approach is preferable. I try to aim for the middle.
      
      I guess, one can say I am an average mom. I fail, I succeed.
      
      Only time will tell how worthy my kids will feel about themselves and no human will be able to tell how much of it stems from my influence solely, but as of today they don't look too traumatized. 
      
      This forum is a dream come true for me.
      
      I want to learn from other moms so that I can be the best mom possible.
      I want to support fellow average moms, who have regrets (be it because their best intentions have gone too far, because they had a long day or because they simply didn't know any other way). I want us to be reminded that love for our children will win the battle.
      I want all of us to take a moment and reflect how best to go about motherhood. It is no easy task and loaded with responsibility. We are our children's village. We are raising tomorrow's society.
      
      Thank you LongTimeMother for caring and questioning my motives.
      I want to provoke thought and discussion among us moms.

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7. 77

   Kathryn L Hillposted 9 years ago

   Children love their parents and hopefully parents do what they can to maintain good relationships with their children. Kindness is always the way to go.
   
   Boundaries are best established with no nonsense firmness. "No" means no and should not be said unless the parent can stand behind it. A child should never be allowed to blackmail his parents by crying. Without a sense of boundaries, the child feels insecure.
   
   So, yes: a good mother is strict but fair. A child learns about life and develops the ability to survive by the guidance he receives from both mother and father.
   
   But, a mother has the love and softness that most fathers do not have. Yes, fathers have more compassion these days, but mothers are generally more empathetic and forgiving, rightfully so.

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      hack writerposted 9 years agoin reply to this

      My question is though, is there a tipping point? Can I hinder a child with too much empathy and kindness, too much mothering?
      
      I feel when my son son is around me his aches become almost a matter of life and death. He wants to shrink himself.
      
      Do I bring out the best in him? Not when it comes to growing up, and growing big and growing strong. I am good for when he really needs chicken soup, and a perch to rest.
      
      But I don't want to make him weak and needy. The question is what causes his need for my attention?
      
      How do I best deal with it? Do I make him feel comfortable in the nest? Do I push him out? Do I fly out myself saying "I'll be right back. If you get hungry or bored spread your wings?"
      
      I really don't know.
      
      Yes, I do want to parent for humanity. I want to raise a strong, confident, self-reliant, content, healthy, and intelligent member of our society. Someone who knows how to use his strengths and how to address his weaknesses to live up to his desired potential.

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         Kathryn L Hillposted 9 years agoin reply to this

         This is where fathers come in handy. Do you have one in the picture?
         Here is the key. Children take their cues from us.  Perhaps you cater to his neediness in some way and he as gotten addicted ... I mean, accustomed to it? How old is he?
         
         Children need to be given a certain amount of space. Respect his inner life and don't talk too much to him. Don't tell him too much and don't engage him in SO MUCH conversation. Let him tune into his own thoughts and let him get accustomed to referring to his own inner life… That is where his strength and confidence originates.
         Set the boundaries as needed when appropriate, Set good examples...
         and let him be.

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            hack writerposted 9 years agoin reply to this

            Kathryn,
            I know, I am the problem, not my son. He is very smart, healthy, sensitive, funny and quite a talented mediator when others fight.
            
            He said to me this morning "You might not be the best mom, but you are the second best".
            
            I just really want to be a better mom. So that I can move up from 4,747,474,747. best mom place to somewhat closer to the spot he needs me to be.
            
            To all my 2-3 readers: I hope you know by now that I am exaggerating everything greatly for illustration purposes.

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               Kathryn L Hillposted 9 years agoin reply to this

               Children: give them respect… this respect includes faith in their love and goodness. Let them make mistakes. Let them learn in their own ways. Ultimately they are... and this was a hard one for me… God's children. Not ours.
               
               PS You don't have to be perfect, for goodness sake! Close is good enough. However, we MUST set the boundaries of proper behavior when young. If we do, the boundaries become permanently absorbed. This is a Montessori principle.
               Read her books: Secret of Childhood and Absorbent Mind by Dr. Maria Montessori.

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   peeplesposted 9 years ago

   I guess it all comes to what one considers the "worst" mother. Personally I strive to just accomplish a few goals with my children, and if I make it through those I will feel I have done my job as a mother. My rules for parenting
   1. Make sure they know they are all loved.
   2. Make sure they are safe (not in a bubble by far, just not getting themselves killed)
   3. Raise respectful children.
   4. Raise happy children.
   5. Raise open minded tolerant children.
   6. Raise children capable of problem solving on their own
   7. Keep them alive
   
   If I manage all of that anything else is just extra. As mothers we are always critical of ourselves. Really the worst mother is the mother who stops questioning if she's doing the right thing, and instead assumes she's got it all figured out. There is no figuring out parenting 100%.

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      hack writerposted 9 years agoin reply to this

      This is very true, isn't it?
      
      A mother's job does not only have no finish line. It also seems very hard to walk the thin line between too much and too little.

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         savvydatingposted 9 years agoin reply to this

         Can you give us an example of how you discipline? Also, how old is the child? If we know these things, then we will all have a better idea of how to offer help. As it stands, we don't understand your famly dynamic between parent and child.

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            hack writerposted 9 years agoin reply to this

            My son is almost 12 years old.
            
            My problem is not so much discipline anymore. I have read so many books on that, I could almost become a preschool teacher (if only I had an ounce of patience).
            
            My problem is now more how to tickle his desire to become better. At anything.
            
            Surprisingly he has made other plans for himself than I. His plans are way more fun.
            
            And he is a natural born scientist. “What happens if I press this button?” What is mom’s boiling point? How long do I have to apply this to get the desired outcome?”
            
            So as an example, we clashed a gazillion times last school year over his big school project until I finally said “Please tell your teacher you want the F.” I wish I could say it was 100% calculated intelligent behavior of mine that made me say that. To be honest it was more part desperation, part anger, part fatigue. But it worked like a charm. He completely turned around and worked independently on his project, that got a good grade and the best part is that he felt excellent about himself and has vowed to have a different approach this year.
            
            Needless to say that this experience inspired this theory of mine “Is the worst mom maybe the best?” big time.

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               savvydatingposted 9 years agoin reply to this

               OK then, it sounds as though your concern is that your son is not as independent as you would like  him to be...in general...and you are wondering what causes him to feel needy at times and how you can change that? Is that about right? Perhaps you also wonder if there is anything you may have done previously to cause his dependence? If that is the case, then I most certainly appreciate that concern and we will all have a better understanding of how we can help given the experiences we have had in raising our children to become self-sufficient.

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                  hack writerposted 9 years agoin reply to this

                  Yes, that is it. I want my children to be motivated and capable of thinking and living on their own (one day). And I want them to start practicing now, before they go out by themselves, before I can't ogle them anymore.
                  
                  I feel nothing would make me fail more at this job of motherhood than their lack  of desire to explore life, and their ability to stumble, get up and try again with a shrug.

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                     Kathryn L Hillposted 9 years agoin reply to this

                     On a certain level, they are already what they are. They will surprise you some day. I say have faith. Set the boundaries, teach them morals and enjoy.
                     
                     What you can also do now is sense their interests and try to facilitate them. What is he intrinsically motivated by? How can you encourage him toward other interests which will help him survive in the world?
                     Set the boundaries, Inspire and Encourage. Respect and Observe.
                     TWISI

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                     savvydatingposted 9 years agoin reply to this

                     Do you think your son might have insecurity attachment? The reason I ask is that there is a lot of information about this "disorder" and there is healing for it. However, it is up to the parent to effect this healing, as the child is not yet sufficiently capable of reasoning properly on his own. That is where proper parenting comes in. Here are two links you may find useful: http://www.healingresources.info/childr … ment.htm#4
                     http://www.respectful-relationships2.co … kills.html
                     Being too harsh on a child is the opposite of what experts say is needed. Instead, they tell us the following about parenting...and I quote:
                     1) Have realistic expectations. 2) Patience is essential. 3) Foster a sense of humor and joy. 4) Take care of yourself and manage stress.
                     
                     Long story short, a child cannot meet the challnges of a cruel world later on unless he feels confident in his parents love. Love includes nurturing the child, listening to him, proper discipline that is not harsh, and making the home a safe haven. Otherwise, the child has serious issues as an adult and he will not be able to meet the challenges you insist that he meet right now as an 11-year old. He simply can't do all that yet, nor should he be expected to meet adult challenges at this juncture. However, he can meet challenges that are equal to an 11-year old. In other words, his brain is still developing and in ORDER for his brain to develop properly, he needs proper parenting. If you google insecurity attachment, you will find all sorts of useful articles. You might also want to browse google scholar. Best of luck to you. I know you mean well and want the best for your young son....I have faith that you will learn the proper parenting techniques through earnest study.

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                        hack writerposted 9 years agoin reply to this

                        What made you think my son has insecurity attachment?

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