In-Laws putting husband to be in a bad situation!

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   acirewriteflowerposted 14 years ago

   I have known my fiance for about 2 years now, we are getting married in a month.  We got engaged back in October, and has been heck with his parents ever since.  My fiance is an only child, and has been super close to his parents.  We would go out to eat once a week, plus other activities throughout  the week.  Coming from a family of divorced and re-married parents with a total of 10 siblings, I've learned to be super independent.  I spend time with my family when we can get together, so going out to eat once a week with his parents started to overwhelm me quickly.  Back in June of last year I asked my fiance to get us four together and begin to discuss boundaries as well as each other's expectations as we moved into two separate couples (instead of them three and me).  After researching on the internet the best ways to introduce this situation to parents of an only child, it recommended him to communicate this.  Months went by without us communicating and it played hard on my emotions.  I'm the type of person when I feel defeated or feel extremely overwhelmed, I shutdown and go silence.  It took my fiance six months to have this conversation with his parents, because they took my silence a completely different direction.  This silence they felt was disrespectful and immature.  We all were to sit down and talk, but they asked to talk to my fiance only.  After five hours of conversation, they have created me and my actions into a monster.  Communicating to him that I am only in the relationship for money, I'm selfish,  inconsiderate, etc.  They banned me from their house and will not come over to ours.  They portrayed me as this horrible person, because of the way my finance and I came across on a few personal topics and him wanting to be treated like an "adult".  In this communication they bombarded him with all the things I've ever done to hurt their feelings.  I also have had my feelings hurt as well, but I don't bring this up since I didn't want to dwell on the past.  This is putting my fiance in an awkward situation and causing major issues between the two of us.  They have silently put my fiance into a "her or us" situation.
   
   I want to talk this out and so do they.  They wanted to meet in a public place to discuss this situation, but that makes me and my fiance completely uncomfortable.  They will not talk to me unless it's in public?  Immediately hearing of the public conversation I wrote them a letter explaining my actions and allowing him to communicate the boundaries instead of me stepping in on their relationship.  I apologized for the misinterpretation of my actions  and asked them not to keep putting their son  in the middle.
   
   I've never had problems figuring out what to in my life until now.  Any advice?

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      Rafiniposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      Meeting in public sounds like a fair solution to be able to get to the bottom of the problem.  That way nobody is on their "home turf".

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   IzzyMposted 14 years ago

   Yes I was thinking along those lines too. You sound as if your approach to this has been mature, although the long silences weren't really, were they?
   You should have spoken to them before this got out of hand, but its not too late and worth it if you value your relationship with your fiance.
   A public place might sound ominous, as if they are afraid to be in private with you, but really it isn't, it's common ground for both parties.

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      acirewriteflowerposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      I appreciate the replies.  One thing I didn't mention is my fiance went to their house when discussing the topics for 5 hours.  He feels it is unfair for them not swallowing their pride and coming over.  More than likely it will be at a public place, and it will come out.  Thanks again

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   theawwwbutmumposted 14 years ago

   Whether we like it or not - the adage that we marry the WHOLE family is true.  Everyone comes with parental baggage.  I think you have made wonderful steps in protecting the future marriage relationship BUT if you were in THEIR shoes, wouldn't you feel like you were LOSING a son instead of GAINING a daughter.  Try a little more to understand, ask what they think is fair, even go as far to ask them what worked for them - remember his mother was in you position once upon a time! Find common things you agree on and focus on those first, then work up to the issues that are more complicated.  Good luck

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   Daniel Carterposted 14 years ago

   His parents need to be in control. That probably makes you afraid of losing him because of the rift they are creating between you.
   
   Meeting in public certainly wouldn't be my first choice, either, but if it's the only thing they offer, then I would consider going by their demands for now (temporarily) to try to clear things up. If you put fort anything that looks like you are taking over their territory, the conversation will dissolve instantly and you'll be back to where you are now.
   
   Honestly, if it were me, I'd have the meeting with the parents and explain rationally and calmly your feelings, helping them understand, avoiding at all costs raised voices and harsh words or feelings. If, however, I came away from such a meeting only to be felt put down, deeper control and manipulation from them, I would send their precious son packing. He is not yours. Give him some space to decide who is really important in his life.
   
   If there no sign of relief, and "Gee, I'm so glad this was just a misunderstanding," then I would be extremely skeptical to ever get involved with them for any reason. If they can't let him have a relationship independent of them, you will always be at war with them (and him. In the end, he will choose his parents over you, unless they become reasonable. He's been with them his whole life. You are the new kid on the block.)
   
   These things are very difficult. I've been through similar. But really, if you meet with them, just do what it takes to stay resolute and calm. You can tell them to conclude the conversation where you stand and what you're willing or not willing to do.
   
   Best wishes on this.

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