irrational jealousy?!

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   double_frickposted 14 years ago

   i find myself very perturbed to find clothed girls running rampant in a perfectly good hardcore porn folder on my bf's pc. (i didn't want a virus on MINE, duh!)
   all the pervy porn in the world is fine by me...why do normal, myspace-seeming photos bring out the big ugly greenie in me?!
   *sigh*
   
   one biggie is too many of them look strikingly similar to my bff. *double sigh*
   
   aren't i enough?
   *cries*

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      Faybe Bayposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      I have seen My Space and other sites break up more relationships.
      Listen carefully to what I am about to say. My dad had 1 magazine that had 1 nude girl at the bottom of a page and 1 nude man at the bottom of another. They were back to the camera, no frontal nudity.
      
      My mom (after dad passed away) bought my brother "girly mags" at the appropriate age. Why? She wanted him to get his curiosity out of his system, as my father had, before he got to dating girls.
      
      The point is having to hide it and make it shameful is what makes it go on forever. A healthy curiosity, with no guilt and shame makes it go away. Try telling him it's okay, because you trust him, and know he's all about you. As long as he's alive women will be attractive, but making it shameful keeps it hidden, and guilt will drive him away.
      
      Show him you are enough, by letting him know you don't care if he looks, you might be surprised at his response.

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      Cagsilposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      I would say you're enough.

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2. 61

   double_frickposted 14 years ago

   well, i don't mind the porn.
   i just don't know why he needs to look at fully clothed girls on the internet (or even save their pics) when i can be naked, fully clothed and quite *active* in real life...
   i dunno...
   most girls are mad about the hardcore porn. i find that understandable, to say the least...

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3. 68

   Pearldiverposted 14 years ago

   Yep... Maybe he has a blindness that he hasn't told you about?  .... I've gotta say your 88 looks pretty good DF

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      double_frickposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      *puzzled blonde look*
      are you speaking code? my current inferiority complex will not detect compliments. heh
      thank you. *blushes*

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4. 65

   Faybe Bayposted 14 years ago

   My son is fifteen. He says that when he has a girlfriend he doesn't want any other girlfriend, but it doesn't stop other girls from being pretty. He would look at his girl's pictures all day, he liked her because she didn't wear make-up. But when she took her pictures down, because she didn't like them, he looked for other pictures to find some that didn't wear make-up. He hates make up. So she asked why he looked at all those girls, he said, because you wouldn't let me look at you. So she put her pictures back up, and more of them.

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      double_frickposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      i *LOVE* your story, thank you.
      i feel quite a bit better...
      though i may just delete all those mediocres and *maybe* add some pics of my dang self. lol 
      he can start collecting pics of random girls from scratch.
      
      i guess i just want him to look at me...
      unless he's looking at hardcore porn...then he can look at those hoes. haha

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      1. 65

         Faybe Bayposted 14 years agoin reply to this

         There was a movie, when I remember what it's called I will post it here, probably before your time, but you will like it, learn from it and don't tell him anything about it, delete all files cuz if he finds out about it he'll be p-oed. It works, though. I'll find out and post it here.

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5. 61

   double_frickposted 14 years ago

   would it be horrible and spiteful to download my *own* pics of men...well...just a certain part of the male anatomy. i think that he would feel the amount of jealousy i feel right now.
   /jealousy
   /night
   i must go to bed...
   *sigh*

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   1. 65

      Faybe Bayposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      Okay, Here's a first few minutes of the movie. Sadly, I missed the boat! There are numerous books, youtube videos based on the concepts of this movie, even one called how to train your husband like a dog! Which is how Sandra Dee trains hers. I guarantee results, however, he must never know!
      
      http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uOQT8vlIy5k
      
      If I had been smart I could be rich by now!

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         double_frickposted 14 years agoin reply to this

         YES, i loooooove sandra dee! <3
         i am going to illegally download the full movie! *gasp*
         oh noes...they gonna send me to jalez! (lolcat-speak)

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            Faybe Bayposted 14 years agoin reply to this

            Good luck, but watch the movie and then don't let him see it, next there are actually videos by a college girl based on the movie and subsequent book. I would have been so rich! Ugh I was busy working like  dog!
            
            And get plenty of sleep, once you start, you are going to need your rest, French in the bedrrom, Boston in the parlor, and NEVER mix the two!

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6. 63

   marcel285posted 14 years ago

   Wow you poor girl, i couldn't handle that! You deserve better! My man has to be committed to me, 100% uninterested in other girls, well in a friend way is fine. If not, he knows where the door is..
   
   I think you should just be really clear about what you expect in a relationship..Tell him how it makes you feel, and that it's not good enough..Or address the issue that maybe you've just both changed, and unfortunately haven't changed together.
   
   That's what happened with my last ex. He only had eyes for me for the first 4 years..well so he said, and i believed him. But towards the end of our relationship, he was checking out other girls. Sadly, i was no longer enough. But fortunately the feeling was mutual..sort of.. It was just because that we weren't the same people we where when we first got together, and we couldn't grow anymore as individuals in being together.

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      double_frickposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      okay, i SHOULD be sleeping.
      regardless...
      RIGHT! i catch him checking out girls...blatantly.
      now i'm a pretty "cool" girlfriend...but i keep my glances VEERRRYYY subtle out of respect for him, obviously...i'd love to give some hottie the eye and get some much needed validation.
      BUT i don't. hah
      i understand after 5 years...i guess i get old...i dunno...but man, my eye has much more reason to wander and i'll be sure to let him know...tomorrow. hah

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7. 61

   double_frickposted 14 years ago

   lol
   someone on yahooanswers just tried to make me feel better by saying that the pics are like for what any porn is used for: fantasy.
   *cries*
   thats just rubbing it in, douchebag.
   so he's LYING when he says he only thinks of ME when he's *ahem* well...you know.
   lies. all lies.
   lol  j/k
   but i do want to make HIM feel insecure by telling him all the fantasies i have about OTHER men. *indignant sniff*
   maybe i'll go to bed now.

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      Faybe Bayposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      No he's being a man, watch the video, and feel fine, laugh love live Shoo Shoo.

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8. 60

   Inspiration101posted 14 years ago

   No DF, you're not being irrational at all. I don't agree with people trying to justify a guy looking at girl's pics because "he's a guy, that's what guys do."
   
   **sidenote**I think it's this is the sort of mentality that lets women stay with partner who cheat on them. Not saying that's what's happening with you **/sidenote**
   
   Anyway, I think it's very disrespectful of your boyfriend to be doing this. How would he like it if you were looking up hot guys on Facebook, and saving their pics into a folder? He probably wouldn't be OK with it.
   
   I totally agree with Marcel, let him know what you expect of him. I don't see why you should have to put up with it if you don't like it. Remember not to try and rationalize the behaviour, stay true to how you're really feeling.

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      double_frickposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      hey, i agree...
      and he HAS cheated on me. and why did i stay through that...because all guys do that...at least to me. that was my rationale at the time, anyway.
      yeah, i think maybe that the random girl pics is going a bit far, i think.
      you need fantasy? watch some naked porn star getting some guy off...don't download pics of girls you would see at the mall...
      that just makes me want to never go anywhere EVEN more.
      
      so...
      i don't know if i should tell him how i feel and talk about it..
      or keep it to myself and let some serious resentment and justified cold-shoulder ensue?

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9. 0

   Justine76posted 14 years ago

   Its the lies that hurt more then the actual thing. Wether clothed or not.  I dont think your being irrational, and you should be able to tell him to be honest.
   
   and everyone has fantasies, it has nothing to with you not being enough.  And you'll only feel worse if you try to make him feel bad. Trust me on that one...
   
   watch that movie and get some rest. 

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10. 0

    Pani Midnyte Odinposted 14 years ago

    While I can understand your jealousy because I, too, disliked it when my ex looked at fully clothed women, I have some advice for you that might make it a little better. It did for me, anyway.
    
    Men and women both have fantasies. The difference is that, most men need to look at a visual to become turned on. The fully clothed women are sexy to him because there is a little mystery. He doesn't know what's underneath their clothing.
    
    Men like mystery, but they like mystery they can see. I'm sure he'd love some sexy photos of you, but there is no mystery anymore because he has already seen you, touched you, etc.
    
    Ugh, maybe I worded that wrong, but it came from my male friend's mouth a few years ago. There's really nothing to be jealous about.

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    1. 61

       double_frickposted 14 years agoin reply to this

       well, hopefully later that will make me feel better.
       i mean, i'm bipolar/borderline...hey, maybe schizoaffective, i haven't been in for a dx for a few years. things change.
       so i KNOW that i am pretty irrational a good amount of the time, i know i don't know how to react appropriately to pretty much any situation...
       so i do know that my discomfort and anxiety from this issue is out of proportion to what it should probably be.
       but man, we already had big problems and now it makes me want to give up even more. i mean, maybe i am searching for any old excuse to bounce...i wish i could. i do effing hate his guts. i hate him  ihate him
       and right now i hate him most for making ME feel inferior when he's the P.O.S. who let himself go (though when i had extra pounds from pregnancy he harassed me about it...go figure)
       i was feeling better this week...
       but now its final.
       i hate my life again. 
       which mostly means, i hate my life with him and i hate that i tried to leave and he wouldn't let me and never will.

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11. 60

    tantrumposted 14 years ago

    Why wouldn't he never let you go ?
    Isn't that a decision you have to take by yourself?

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       double_frickposted 14 years agoin reply to this

       first time i left i gave him a second chance...as i was having his child i thought he deserved that. *my mistake*
       second time i left i moved in with his ex (not realizing he had been cheating on me with HER for a year) and so once i was there THEN he tells me and i had to move back for lack of anywhere else to go. i'm actually still not nearly as mad at her as him, for that. wish he hadn't told me and had just let me go.
       he's just really persistent...and i guess i'm weak....every time i left he wouldn't leave me alone. and with kids i guess i just threw up my arms and tried to be content since it was too hard to leave.
       and now here i am.
       wishing i had left the last time (the third time i moved to my friend's and it didn't "work out" i dunno)
       
       so i guess it was my weakness that kept me here? except for the situation with his ex...i blame him for that...or my stupidity? i just want to see the best in people. my bad...

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    tantrumposted 14 years ago

    I don't get it. Why go to his ex ? Why did she accepted you there after cheating ?
    Was she a friend of yours ? If not, why go to live with her, in the first place ?

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       double_frickposted 14 years agoin reply to this

       lol i'm stupid.
       we were friends, they actually planned it out for her to warm up to me and become friends with me so that they could hook up and i wouldn't be too suspicious.
       and i'm still with this dude...someone kill me now.
       
       so i thought we were friends and naively never suspected they had anything going on. *sigh*
       
       so i guess i kinda deserve all of this, maybe.
       
       so, i thought she was a friend of MINE...and actually i think the plan he had backfired because she ended up "liking" me more and kinda being more on my side. but after the cat was out of the bag...well...how would you react? i bet she misses me more than him.

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          tantrumposted 14 years agoin reply to this

          I'm sorry to hear that !
          I don't know what to say to you! I'm sure you're old enough to know what's best for you.
          I would try to make myself strong enough to leave. Maybe you should get in touch with a lawyer as you have kids.
          
          I wouldn't be with a man like that! cheater, liar, untrustworthy !
          
          Nice virtues ! Geezz !!

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             double_frickposted 14 years agoin reply to this

             at least i don't feel *so* crazy for still holding a deep sense of disgust and resentment for what he has done to me.
             
             honestly, if i had money or somewhere to go...i'd be gone by now.
             its always that. i can't really live with my parents...and this is a better alternative as long as i keep in mind i'm just here until i find a better way out. but i was feeling that way before this incident, of course.
             
             i had just finally started feeling "better" about him...
             everytime that happens i find something new to hate about him.
             
             for example, once i DID be with him again and move in with him after the fiasco with his ex girlfriend and me living there it wasn't two months (until i got a tad comfortable) before i found out he was telling one ex girlfriend he wanted to be with her, etc AND telling a girl from high school she was "the one who got away..."
             now, this was about 2-3 years ago, mind you...
             
             but a couple months ago i was using his laptop one day and typed in "M" for mail.yahoo.com....and his history grabbed up the most visited page starting with "M"
             myspace for his "other" ex girlfriend *the one in the last paragraph he tried to cheat on me with AFTER the first ex. complicated, i know* 
             
             talking about it makes me feel a bit more rational and valid for wanting to leave...
             he makes me feel like i'm supposed to make-do and get over it because we have kids and apparently to him its important his kids' parents stay together...maybe he shoulda thought about that before trying to get affection and attention from every girl he knows!
             
             i want to love him
             he just broke my effing heart and staying with him will never allow it to heal.
             half the time i want to kill myself. and now talking matter-of-factly about what exactly is bothering me makes me want to less...because its just him i'm unhappy with.

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                tantrumposted 14 years agoin reply to this

                Well, You have kids.You have to think about them.
                So killing yourself is a selfish thing to do. Besides he doesn't deserve the sacrifice. Don't you think ?

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                   double_frickposted 14 years agoin reply to this

                   yeah, i just realized that...
                   i have gone so long being miserable and hating my life (because he's in it) that i just started feeling like i am just that way and i would feel like that regardless.
                   i just try not to think about those things so it makes it easy to forget and for me to think i'm just unhappy...
                   
                   yes, i will just leave...not kill myself.
                   he is not worth it...
                   i mean, i don't think i'd kill myself anyway...doesn't mean i don't want to.
                   sometimes i just feel trapped in my life...ever since i was born. haha

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                      tantrumposted 14 years agoin reply to this

                      We are all trapped in our lives. LOL! We didn't ask to be born, did we ?
                      The thing is, lets make our life enjoyable and worthwhile, because we'll have to live it anyway !

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