Christian Humour
89- Make Money
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A new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners. At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door. Therefore, he took out a business card and wrote 'Revelation 3:20' on the back of it and stuck it in the door.
When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, 'Genesis 3:10... .’
Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter. Revelation 3:20 begins 'Behold, I stand at the door and knock.' Genesis 3:10 reads, 'I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for I was naked.'
Remember when the funniest jokes were the clean ones? They still are! 'A cheerful heart is good medicine' (Prov. 17:22)
89- atomswifey
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Forest Gump and St. Peter
When Forest Gump died, he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, "Welcome, Forest. We've heard a lot about you." He continued, "Unfortunately, it's getting pretty crowded up here and we find that we now have to give people an entrance examination before we let them in."
"Okay," said Forest. "I hope it's not too hard. I've already been through a test. My momma used to say, 'Life is like a final exam. It's hard.' "
"Yes, Forest, I know. But this test is only three questions. Here they are."
1) Which two days of the week begin with the letter 'T'?"
2) How many seconds are in a year?
3) What is God's first name?
"Well, sir," said Forest, "The first one is easy. Which two days of the week begin with the letter 'T'? Today and Tomorrow."
St. Peter looked surprised and said, "Well, that wasn't the answer I was looking for, but you have a point. I give you credit for that answer."
"The next question," said Forest, "How many seconds are in a year? Twelve."
"Twelve?" said St. Peter, surprised and confused.
"Yes, sir. January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd …"
St. Peter interrupted him. "I see what you mean. I'll have to give you credit for that one, too."
"And the last question," said Forest, "What is God's first name? It's Andy."
"Andy?" said St. Peter, in shock. "How did you come up with 'Andy'?"
"I learned it in church. We used to sing about it." Forest broke into song, "Andy walks with me, Andy talks with me, Andy tells me I am His own."
St. Peter opened the gate to heaven and said, "Run, Forest, Run!"
72- My Friend Shiyloh
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It seems to be harder to be clean and funny.
But when you can do it, it is 5 times as funny.
Also, any age can come to your show.- 89
- atomswifey
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The Pope Wants to Drive...
After getting all of the Pope's luggage loaded into the limo (and he doesn't travel lightly), the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb.
The Pope was still standing on the curb.
"Excuse me, Your Eminence," says the driver, "Would you please take your seat so we can leave?"
"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today"
"I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.
"There might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope.
Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel.
The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Supreme Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.
"Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!" pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.
"Oh, dear God, I'm gonna lose my license," moans the driver.
Bigger
The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.
"I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher.
The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five.
"So bust him," said the Chief.
"I don't think we want to do that, he's really important," said the cop.
Chief exclaimed, "All the more reason!"
"No, I mean really important," said the cop.
The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there, the Mayor?"
Cop: "Bigger."
Chief: "Governor?"
Cop: "Bigger."
"Well," said the Chief,"Who is it?"
Cop: "I think it's God!"
Chief: "What makes you think it's God?"
Cop: "He's got the Pope for a limo driver!" - 89
- Make Money
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Good ones atomswifey. Here's a couple more.
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After church on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother, "Mom, I've decided I'm going to be a priest when I grow up.
"That's wonderful," his mother said, "But what made you decide to be a priest?"
"Well," the boy replied, "I'll have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell than to sit still and listen."
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A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and thy mother," she asked "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"
Without missing a beat one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."
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A Sunday School teacher decided to have her 2nd grade class memorize Psalm 23, one of the most favorite psalms in the Bible. She gave the children a month to learn the chapter.
One little boy was excited about the task, but he just couldn't memorize the Psalm. Although he practiced and practiced, he could hardly get past the first line. The day came for the children to recite Psalm 23 before the congregation. The little boy was nervous. When his turn came, he stepped up to the microphone and proudly said, "The Lord is my Shepherd and that's all I need to know!"
I think this was me.
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A little boy was playing one evening with his mother's broom, pretending it was a horse. When it was time for him to come in, he left the broom outside. When the mother realized that he had done this she told him to go and get it in.
"But it's dark outside," the little boy protested. "I'm scared to go out."
His mother smiled and said, "Don't be afraid. Jesus is out there too."
The little boy brightened. He opened the back door a little, peeked out and shouted, "Jesus, can you please hand me the broom."
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Q. Why did Adam think the day was so long?
A. Because there was no Eve! 
95- marcofratelli
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I love it, these are cool.
No Jesus - No Love. Know Jesus - Know Love
100- Paraglider
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Not really a joke, but a true story, as told me by my jeweler friend in Glasgow:
---------------------
A rough looking teenage girl came into my shop saying - I want to buy a cross. Thinking she wouldn't have a lot to spend, I offered her a plain silver cross.
- Naw, no like that!
So I offered her a plain gold cross.
- Naw, no like that either!
So I offered her a Celtic Iona style cross.
- Naw, that's no use either!
Stumped, I asked what kind of cross she wanted.
- Huv ye no got one with that wee mannie on it?
----------------------
"That wee mannie" - how have the mighty fallen
73- Lee Boolean
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Two young boys were caught smoking behind the church when they were supposed to be in Sunday school.
The pastor decided to scare them with the thought that Jesus is always watching them and sees everything they do.
he called the first one into his office, and trying to make his point said "do you know where Jesus is?" and to make the little bugger sweat he sent him out to think about it and told him to send his pal in. as they passed each other in the hall the other kid asked how it went... so the first kid said: " its worse than we thought, Jesus is missing and pastor thinks we did it!"- 89
- Make Money
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I thought that was going to be a nasty one Lee but it was pretty good.
Paraglider the rough looking teenage girl from Glasgow was looking in the wrong place for a Crucifix.
I love this line marcofratelli.marcofratelli wrote:
No Jesus - No Love. Know Jesus - Know Love - 73
- Lee Boolean
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almost sounds like a challenge there MM...
here's another....
two nuns are driving through Transylvania on a dark and stormy night. As they drive past a great big mansion, suddenly out of nowhere a dwarf vampire jumps onto the car bonnet and flares his teeth at the nuns. Of course the are shocked and the nun on the passenger seat shrieks to the other "sister Agatha, swerve a few times, maybe he'll fall off!" Sister A swerves dangerously but the dwarf vampire is clinging on to the windshield wipers... "turn on the wipes sister Agatha!" screams sister Beatrice--- this also does not help, "slam on the breaks sister Agatha!" again, the dwarf is hanging on growling at the two sisters when finally sister Agatha said to sister Beatrice: " He's a vampire, show him your cross!"
whereupon sister B rolls down the car window and yells at the vampire: "get off the *§$%% car you little §%&"§$!!!" - 89
- Make Money
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That's funny. Good one Lee. No it wasn't meant to be a challenge. - 89
- atomswifey
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Honk if you love Jesus!
LOL love this joke it is so cute
The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a "Honk if you love Jesus" bumper sticker.
I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.
Boy, I'm glad I did! What an uplifting experience that followed!
I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is... and I didn't notice that the light had changed.
It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed!
I found that LOTS of people love Jesus! Why, while I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, "For the love of GOD! GO! GO! Jesus Christ, GO!"
What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus! Everyone started honking!
I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all these loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!
There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a "sunny beach"...
I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air.
Then I asked my teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant, he said that it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something. Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back.
My grandson burst out laughing...why, even he was enjoying this religious experience!
A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed.
So, I waved to all my sisters and brothers grinning, and drove on through the intersection. I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out of the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.
Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!
-Grandma- - 89
- atomswifey
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OK I seen this and had to post it!! LOL LOL
might be a bit bad but it is soooo funny
God said to Adam, "I've got some good news and some bad news. First the good news. I have given you a brain and a penis. The bad news... I've only given you enough blood to work one of them at a time!" - 73
- Lee Boolean
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quicky...
what's the difference between god and a doctor?
God does not think he's a doctor! 
96- Lady_E
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Very funny thread. Mine's a short one.
In which chapter of the Bible does God make tea?
Answer - Hebrews
He Brews.
92- earnestshub
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atomswifey wrote:
OK I seen this and had to post it!! LOL LOL
might be a bit bad but it is soooo funny
God said to Adam, "I've got some good news and some bad news. First the good news. I have given you a brain and a penis. The bad news... I've only given you enough blood to work one of them at a time!"
Well I enjoyed this one! That bit of truth in humor is what makes it funny!
- 92
- earnestshub
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atomswifey wrote:
Honk if you love Jesus!
LOL love this joke it is so cute
The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a "Honk if you love Jesus" bumper sticker.
I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.
Boy, I'm glad I did! What an uplifting experience that followed!
I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is... and I didn't notice that the light had changed.
It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed!
I found that LOTS of people love Jesus! Why, while I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, "For the love of GOD! GO! GO! Jesus Christ, GO!"
What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus! Everyone started honking!
I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all these loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!
There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a "sunny beach"...
I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air.
Then I asked my teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant, he said that it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something. Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back.
My grandson burst out laughing...why, even he was enjoying this religious experience!
A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed.
So, I waved to all my sisters and brothers grinning, and drove on through the intersection. I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out of the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.
Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!
-Grandma-Again, the truth in this makes it very funny to me.
You may think I'm crazy, but through religion or not, I believe if you have Grandma's attitude, life is a nice ride indeed! - 89
- Make Money
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The Lords way of getting even with us when the need arises.
SKIPPING CHURCH
Father Norton woke up Sunday morning and realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf. So he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and persuaded him to say Mass for him that day.
As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father Norton headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away. This way he knew he wouldn't accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish. Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church!
At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and exclaimed, "You're not going to let him get away with this, are you?"
The Lord sighed, and said, "No, I guess not."
Just then Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole. IT WAS A 420 YARD HOLE IN ONE!
St. Peter was astonished.. He looked at the Lord and asked, "Why did you let him do that?"
The Lord smiled and replied, "Who's he going to tell?" - 73
- Lee Boolean
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A Catholic priest, pastor and a rabbi decide are walking along on a very hot day... talking about scripture and doing what humble and spirutual men do.
Eventually though they all start to feel very hot and somehow realize that they have to do something about it. Each of them prayed for relief, and what do you know, they see a nice inviting lake. Unfortunately, of course none of them had any bathing clothes with them, so they started debating whether god would mind if they go skinny dipping. After much quoting from the scriptures, they eventually decide that it would be ok, so they toss off the rags and go for a nice relaxing and coooling swim.
After about half an hour, they looked up to see a large group of people standing on the banks. Ashamed, the Priest covered his privates and ran to the clothes... next the pastor covered his shame and jolted to where their clothing lay.... last the rabbi... covering his face ran to where they disrobed. Amazed at this the other two asked why the rabbi opted to cover his face in stead of his privates... and the rabbi said: "vell I doon knoww about you twoo, but in my synagogue zat vould be ze part zey recognize!" - 92
- earnestshub
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Lee Boolean wrote:
A Catholic priest, pastor and a rabbi decide are walking along on a very hot day... talking about scripture and doing what humble and spirutual men do.
Eventually though they all start to feel very hot and somehow realize that they have to do something about it. Each of them prayed for relief, and what do you know, they see a nice inviting lake. Unfortunately, of course none of them had any bathing clothes with them, so they started debating whether god would mind if they go skinny dipping. After much quoting from the scriptures, they eventually decide that it would be ok, so they toss off the rags and go for a nice relaxing and coooling swim.
After about half an hour, they looked up to see a large group of people standing on the banks. Ashamed, the Priest covered his privates and ran to the clothes... next the pastor covered his shame and jolted to where their clothing lay.... last the rabbi... covering his face ran to where they disrobed. Amazed at this the other two asked why the rabbi opted to cover his face in stead of his privates... and the rabbi said: "vell I doon knoww about you twoo, but in my synagogue zat vould be ze part zey recognize!"So funny Lee! I choacked on that!
