Christian Humour
My Friend Shiyloh wrote:
It seems to be harder to be clean and funny.
But when you can do it, it is 5 times as funny.
Also, any age can come to your show.AGREED-AMEN!
atomswifey wrote:
OK I seen this and had to post it!! LOL LOL
might be a bit bad but it is soooo funny
God said to Adam, "I've got some good news and some bad news. First the good news. I have given you a brain and a penis. The bad news... I've only given you enough blood to work one of them at a time!"The cleaner they are, the funnier they are!
Lee Boolean wrote:
A Catholic priest, pastor and a rabbi decide are walking along on a very hot day... talking about scripture and doing what humble and spirutual men do.
Eventually though they all start to feel very hot and somehow realize that they have to do something about it. Each of them prayed for relief, and what do you know, they see a nice inviting lake. Unfortunately, of course none of them had any bathing clothes with them, so they started debating whether god would mind if they go skinny dipping. After much quoting from the scriptures, they eventually decide that it would be ok, so they toss off the rags and go for a nice relaxing and coooling swim.
After about half an hour, they looked up to see a large group of people standing on the banks. Ashamed, the Priest covered his privates and ran to the clothes... next the pastor covered his shame and jolted to where their clothing lay.... last the rabbi... covering his face ran to where they disrobed. Amazed at this the other two asked why the rabbi opted to cover his face in stead of his privates... and the rabbi said: "vell I doon knoww about you twoo, but in my synagogue zat vould be ze part zey recognize!"LOL
Signs seen on churches in the UK...
Obviously an area with a lot of real estate for sale:
"We are the SOUL Agents in this area!!"
This church must have a lot of HP writers in the area:
"Can't sleep Don't Count Sheep, talk to the Shepherd!"
And this church must be in a family area:
"All services are different. We leave the repeats to TV."
This is possibly in a University area:
"Let us Help you Study for your FINAL EXAMS"
And maybe this church is in a yuppie area:
"There are some questions that CAN"T be answered by GOOGLE."
Of course this church may be in a restoration area:
"The Meek Shall Inherit The Earth...If that's okay with you!"
And my two personal favorites...
"Speak Well of your Enemies, after all You Made Them."
"Down in the Mouth?...Come in for a Faith Lift"There was a ten dollar bill and it's friend the hundred dollar bill. One day they were separated and went off on their own way. About a year later they ran into one another. They were excited to see each other. The ten dollar bill asked the hundred dollar bill, "Where have you been this whole year that I haven't seen you?" The hundred dollar bill excitedly told the ten dollar bill, "I've been to New York,to all of the best shows there, took a cruise ship to Europe, then went to Japan, flew on a fancy jet, came back to America and went to LA-to some fancy restaurants, met some famous movie stars.I have been to fancy homes and also ended up in Las Vegas in the fanciest casinos. I have been all over the world! "Say, ten dollar bill, where have you been since I saw you last?" The ten dollar bill replied, "Oh, you know, church, church, church, church, church......."
A very holy Vicar was walking down the road one day when he heard a voice say "Pssst! can you help me?" looking around the Vicar couldn't see anyone. Then he heard the voice again "Pssst! can you help me?" looking down he saw a frog sitting on the road. Looking around, because he didn't want anyone to see him talk to a frog, he asked;
"How can I help you?"
"I'm not really a frog." said the frog. "Really I'm a choir boy. A wicked fairy turned me into this frog and the only way the spell can be broken is if I am placed where a holy man has laid his head."
So the Vicar took the frog home and placed him on his pillow.
The very next day, a miracle! the spell was broken and there lay the choir boy in bed with the Vicar.
"That your Honor and members of the Jury, is the case for the defence."
84- Make Money
- 2506 posts
- Joined: 2 years ago
- Hubs: 12
- Followers: 145
Dermot McCann opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly 'phoned his best friend Reilly. 'Did ye see the paper?' asked Dermot. 'They say I died.'
'Yes, I saw it.' replied Reilly. 'Where are ye callin' from?'
-------------------------
O'Malley was leaving his favourite bar when he was run over by a bus. He gets to the gates of heaven and St. Peter tells him he cannot enter unless he passes a test. What choice did he have, O'Malley agrees to try as he never was the brightest bulb in the box. St. Peter decides to go easy on him, 'What has 5 fingers and is made of black leather?' he asks.
O'Malley scratches his head, thinks hard and finally gives up.
'It's a glove says St. Peter.' Let's try again. 'What has 10 fingers and is made of black leather?' asks St. Peter.
O'Malley is clearly stumped. After a few minutes of pacing in a circle and scratching his head, O'Malley gives up.
'Why it's 2 gloves - don't you see 10 fingers, black leather, says St. Peter amazed.' Being in a generous mood, St. Peter decides to give O'Malley yet another chance but thinking of an even easier question. 'Who is the patron Saint of Ireland?' asks St. Peter, thinking he can't miss this.
'It wouldn't be 3-gloves, would it?' says O'Malley.
96- Lady Guinevere
- 2202 posts
- Joined: 2 years ago
- Hubs: 191
- Followers: 708
Hey Mike, I promised myself that I would not come back to the forums after my 6 week leave of absense from Hubpages....BUT...I just wanted to say "Hi". So.... HI
I also finished the hub about The Knight's of Columbus and the 4TH Degree if you are still wanting to take a look at them.
Carry On with your humor. They are funny!
Debbie
94- lyricsingray
- 8631 posts
- Joined: 7 months ago
- Hubs: 70
- Followers: 466
There was this christian and he was christian
92- cheaptrick
- 360 posts
- Joined: 9 months ago
- Hubs: 17
- Followers: 70
God and St Peter were having lunch on there favorite cloud.God says"I've been working to hard.I need a vacation".ST Peter says"I heard Earth is a fun place,maybe you should go there".God says"No way,I went there two thousand years ago and met a nice Jewish girl,There still talking about it"...
- 84
- Make Money
- 2506 posts
- Joined: 2 years ago
- Hubs: 12
- Followers: 145
Hi Debbie (LG). Long time, no see. I just looked at your hub. Very interesting and informative. Thanks.
-----------------------------------
A little boy was listening to a long and excessively boring sermon in church. Suddenly the red sanctuary lamp caught his eye. Tugging his father's sleeve, he said, "Daddy, when the light turns green can we go?"
-----------------------------------
An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"
"Just water," says the priest, fingers crossed.
The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"
The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"
-----------------------------------
A guy walks into a bar wearing a Kansas City Chiefs jersey, and carrying a cat that also has a Chiefs jersey on with a little Chiefs helmet on his head, too. The guy says to the bartender, "Can my cat and I watch the Chiefs game here? My TV is broken and my cat and I always watch the game together."
The bartender replies, "Normally cats wouldn't be allowed in the bar, but its not very busy in here right now, so you and the cat can have a seat at the end of the bar. But, if there's any trouble with you or the cat, I'll have to ask you to leave."
The guy agrees, and he and his cat start watching the game. Pretty soon the Chiefs kick a field goal. The excited cat jumps up on the bar, walking up and down it and giving everyone a high five.
The bartender says, "Hey, that's pretty cool! What does he do for a touchdown?"
The guy answers, "I don't know. I've only had him for 3 years." Make Money wrote:
A new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners. At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door. Therefore, he took out a business card and wrote 'Revelation 3:20' on the back of it and stuck it in the door.
When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, 'Genesis 3:10... .’
Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter. Revelation 3:20 begins 'Behold, I stand at the door and knock.' Genesis 3:10 reads, 'I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for I was naked.
Remember when the funniest jokes were the clean ones? They still are! 'A cheerful heart is good medicine' (Prov. 17:22)Why is christian humor segregated?
- 84
- Make Money
- 2506 posts
- Joined: 2 years ago
- Hubs: 12
- Followers: 145
This is not Christian humour but it's funny.
Hillbilly Medical Dictionary
Artery......................... The study of paintings
Bacteria....................... Back door to cafeteria
Barium........................ What doctors do when patients die
Benign........................ What you be, after you be eight
Caesarean Section........ A neighborhood in Rome
Cat scan........................ Searching for Kitty
Cauterize...................... Made eye contact with her
Colic.......................... A sheep dog
Coma........................... A punctuation mark
Dilate......................... To live long
Enema..........................Not a friend
Fester......................... Quicker than someone else
Fibula......................... A small lie
Impotent.......................Distinguished, well known
Labor Pain................... Getting hurt at work
Medical Staff................. A Doctor's cane
Morbid......................... A higher offer
Nitrates....................... Cheaper than day rates
Node........................... I knew it
Outpatient..................... A person who has fainted
Pelvis......................... Second cousin to Elvis
Post Operative............ A letter carrier
Recovery Room.......... Place to do upholstery
Rectum......................... Nearly killed him
Secretion...................... Hiding something
Seizure........................ Roman emperor
Tablet......................... A small table
Terminal Illness............ Getting sick at the airport
Tumor........................ One plus one more
Urine.......................... Opposite of you're out Not so much a joke as a true story;
I was about 14 years old back in Wales when my confidence in Sunday school teachers was irrevocably broken. My parents used to send me and my brother to Sunday School. Years later I discovered that the reason was so they could have a little afternoon delight without the kids being around.
Anyway; The Sunday School teacher told us that girls who smoked had no morals. I thought this was very good news because a girl on my street had just started smoking. So, believing my teacher, I took her for a walk to a nearby farm.
She beat the snot outta me. I touched one of her errogenous zones and she brought her knee up into one of mine.
I never believed anything I heard in Sunday School after that.- 84
- Make Money
- 2506 posts
- Joined: 2 years ago
- Hubs: 12
- Followers: 145
That must have been a while ago iantoPF. So you misunderstood the Sunday School teacher. I guess when the Sunday School teacher said that girls who smoked had no morals she didn't mean that you could touch one of their erogenous zones. Sorry for laughing about her beating the snot outta you. Those tough little Welsh girls.
--------------------------------------
Brain Transplant
In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber. "I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces. "The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the only hope. Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the brain yourselves."
The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?"
The doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female brain."
The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked. A man unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the male brain so much more?"
The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains... because they've been used."
(The girl that posted this in the social network that I found it ended it by saying "Forgive me, I couldn't help myself!") - 94
- lyricsingray
- 8631 posts
- Joined: 7 months ago
- Hubs: 70
- Followers: 466
This outta be funny
89- Denno66
- 6127 posts
- Joined: 3 months ago
- Hubs: 32
- Followers: 134
lyricsingray wrote:
This outta be funny
So, a Rabbi, a minister and a Priest walk into a brothel, stop me if you've heard this one.......
- 84
- Make Money
- 2506 posts
- Joined: 2 years ago
- Hubs: 12
- Followers: 145
Jesus and Satan got into an argument over which of them was the better computer programmer. Finally God got tired of the bickering and told them that he would judge a contest between them. They each had four hours to write the best program they could, and then God would decide the winner. They both got down to business and wrote lines and lines of code.
But just before the four hours were up there was a flash of lightning and a tremendous clap of thunder. The lights flickered, the power faltered, and both computer screens went dead. When power was restored, God declared that time was up and asked to see the results of their work.
Jesus flipped on his computer and displayed the most elegant program you could imagine, with beautiful architecture and wonderful syllogisms, triumphs of multimedia sound and pictures -- all kinds of bells and whistles.
God asked Satan what he had created, but Satan said, "I've got nothing, absolutely nothing! My program was twice as good as that, but I lost it all when the power went out. Jesus must have cheated. How could he still have such a great program?"
God replied, "Everybody knows -- Jesus Saves." - 84
- Make Money
- 2506 posts
- Joined: 2 years ago
- Hubs: 12
- Followers: 145
Limerick fun:
There once was a slimmer named Steen
Who grew so phenomenally lean
And flat, and compressed, That his back touched his chest,
So that sideways he couldn't be seen.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
An elderly man called Keith
Mislaid his set of false teeth
They'd been laid on a chair, He'd forgot they were there,
Sat down, and was bitten beneath.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
There once was a fellow named Sarge
who married a psychic named Marge.
The weight soon appeared, and just as he feared,
his medium became extra-large.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
A tutor who tooted her flute
Tried to tutor two tooters to toot
Said the two to the tutor
Is it harder to toot
Or to tutor two tooters to toot?
-------------------------------------
A man was sleeping soundly when his wife shook him and said, "Wake up, someone is breaking in!"
The man had gone through this same scenario almost every night of his marriage, and he knew that the only way he would get any rest was to get up and go check it out. This time, however, he found that there really was a man with a gun who entered to rob the house! As the thief was about to flee the man said, "Stop! You have to come with me and meet my wife."
Surprised, the thief turned around abruptly and said, "Why would you want ME to meet your wife?"
The man replied, "She's been expecting you for 20 years."
-------------------------------------
Mr. and Mrs. Frobisher had just reached the airport in the nick of time to catch the plane for their two-week's vacation in Majorca. "I wish we'd brought the piano with us too," said Mr. Frobisher.
"What on earth for?" asked his wife.
"I've left the tickets on it."
-------------------------------------
A couple of hours into a visit a mother noticed her son hadn't once lit up a cigarette. "Are you trying to kick the habit?" she asked.
"No," the son replied. "I have a cold, and I don't smoke when I'm not feeling well."
"You know," she observed, "you'd probably live longer if you were sick more often." - 84
- Make Money
- 2506 posts
- Joined: 2 years ago
- Hubs: 12
- Followers: 145
A priest, a rabbi and a minister go fishing on a rare day off. They row their boat out a ways from shore and put down an anchor. The boat moves just a little bit here and there. They are enjoying being "away" from their jobs, the fishing is very relaxing, and they exchange funny stories about their lives. The priest says: "Well, I have to go and use nature's rest room." He steps out of the boat, and walks on top of the water to shore, does his thing and walks on top of the water back to the boat and gets back in. The rabbi is astonished but says nothing.
A while later, the minister says: "Well, I guess it's my turn now." He gets out of the boat, walks on the water to shore, and does his thing and returns to the boat by walking on the water and gets back in the boat. The rabbi is again amazed, saying nothing.
When it comes time for the rabbi to "do his thing", he tells himself that if they can do it so can he. So he steps out of the boat, and plunges into the water. The priest and the minister help him back into the boat. They look at each other, and the minister says: "Shall we show him where the rocks are?"
-----------------------------------
What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall?
"Dam."
~~~~~
What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?
Polaroids.
~~~~~
What did the instructor at the school for Kamikaze pilots say to his students?
Watch closely. I'm only going to do this once.
~~~~~
Why should you never iron a 4-leaf clover?
You don't want to press your luck!
~~~~~
What did the horse say when he fell?
I've fallen and I can't giddy up!
~~~~~
Has anyone seen Quasimodo?
I have a hunch he's back!
-----------------------------------
If you are wondering where the 'Go ahead say Merry Christmas" thread went to it's been moved to the Holidays & Celebrations forum. You can go to it from here,
Go ahead say Merry Christmas
=) 
=| 
=( 
=D 
:O 
:/ 
:P 
:lol: 
:mad: 
:rolleyes: 
:cool: 
