Should i end this 12 year relationship?
I’m a 32 years old lady. I wasted 12 years on a deadbeat boyfriend.
For the initial 7 years we lived in overseas ( in UK) and cohabited for 7 years. At that time we were students. Now we are living in different country. He visited me 3-4 times a year for the past 5 years.
This man will turn 37 soon, but has the maturity of an early twenty man. I was a fool who fell for a total jerk-off. He lives in flat with his mum and his mum’s partner. Therefore he has no rent to pay, no car and doesn’t has his own flat. He never takes a day of professional job once he graduated from university. After finished his undergraduate study, he pursued to his graduated study. At once he said the reason he pursue further studies was because he was afraid to come out working. He spent another 5 years in the university, lost interest in his reseach topic and failed to get a graduate degree. He wasted 5 years. In my mind, I don’t see getting a phd is crucial. Plenty of people on the street still get a good earning and comfortable life with a basic degree. Being a understanding lady,I gave him plenty of time ( another 4 -5 years) and space to reset his career path.
As he staying with his mum, he whined a lot and hates the environment completely. He said he don’t have space and feel trapped in the flat. Because there is always someone in the flat and don’t have enough privacy to do his online business planning. Honestly say, I don’t think it is right to shift the blame to his mum. His mum is the at the semi-retired age ( 60 years old). At this age she is probably feel she is too tired to go out. He is the person who should responsible to get the life he wants.
When we would go out, which was rare, I always paid for my share. I feel very guilty to spend his money. For every visiting period, I will try my best to serve him very well. He doesn’t have money, therefore I make home cook food to cut down the expenses of eating out. I offered him good sex, keep myself fit to look well. I am trying my best to be a successful businesswomen, a good wife to be, an excellent chef, a sluttish lady in the bedroom. For all the efforts I put into this relationship, I received northing. No promised future and, not even a ring. This sink me into the deepest depression that I can ever imagine. The suicidal thoughts always come into my mind. The pictures of turning on the carbon monoxide in the car and sink my car into river bank always surface. My business life is so hectic and busy, it distracts me a lot. It numbs the sadness in my heart. On the outside I am still a bubbly lady. Even my parent living in the same household doesn’t know I am slowly sinking into the depression.
Like other jobless man, he talks about what he’s gonna do with his life but no result showing. Now he is selling some mechandises on ebay, the traffic is slow. The income he bring in not enough to keep a cat. He refuses to look up for job, he said no one will hire a 37 years old man without any working experiences. He also has very bad temperament. Often he would disappear for 10 days plus , and ignore all my calls in that period. So I would decide distance myself from him and ignore his calls. This would cause him to flip out. He left nasty email messages . WHERE THE HELL IS YOUR MOBILE?
Due to unhappiness at his mum home, he asked me to move out from my parent home , find a new place and move in with him. He said he can pay his own foods and I paid the rest of the bill! I told him without his income stability I wont’ move a finger! This is an iron rule. If he insist to move out from her mum's home to a rented room,I am willing to pay 50% of the rent. This round he came back make this comment.
“i want to say more about moving out but because i know you and your artificial rules would meant its better not to discuss it further. but i will remember that you are in the position to help but you choose not to. so you better pray that you never ever need my help in the future cos i won't be rendering you any!”
This comments utterly shatter my heart.
He proposed to move out 2 years ago, luckily I never did it. Two years after he still remain jobless stay with mum.
I am angry at myself for staying with him for so long. It was difficult. He was really good in bed and had a few other good qualities. I have higher standards and expectations involving the company I keep. I am a great person, and I refuse to settle for anything less.
Should I leave this behind my back?
89- Black Lilly
- 541 posts
- Joined: 4 weeks ago
- Hubs: 9
- Fans: 35
And you still have QUESTIONS about what to do?!?
Read what you've written here...
I wanted to comment on this more extensively, but somehow have no words. Just read your own post.
93- Flightkeeper
- 1531 posts
- Joined: 4 months ago
- Hubs: 44
- Fans: 142
I would say it's high time that you focused on what you wanted and went for it.
89- tantrum
- 6486 posts
- Joined: 5 months ago
- Hubs: 40
- Fans: 162
you should have left this guy behind your back ages ago !
You've been wasting 12 years of your life on 'nothing'
time to move on
91- poetlorraine
- 899 posts
- Joined: 2 months ago
- Hubs: 37
- Fans: 243
never too late to make a new start, learn from the past
91- Jonathan Janco
- 384 posts
- Joined: 3 months ago
- Hubs: 17
- Fans: 39
OK, first off, don't commit suicide . . . like really don't. Like you said, you're a great person. If in fact you do feel that way about yourself, your next move should be relatively easy.
But just to spell it out . . . YES, LEAVE HIM!
Let me get this straight: he doesn't work, has never worked and couldn't even get his higher education under his hat in due time?
I'm sure it's intimidating to leave a situation you have gotten so used to, but your own words are a dead giveaway that it's time. You say you have high standards for the company you keep . . . I think it's time to exercize those standards.
Make it over that hurdle and the rest should be easy.
Best of luck to you.
75- sneakorocksolid
- 2652 posts
- Joined: 6 months ago
- Hubs: 17
- Fans: 102
You're a smart woman. Get out of this mess and get your life back!
87- europewalker
- 433 posts
- Joined: 4 months ago
- Hubs: 4
- Fans: 11
Please move on, you deserve better than these. Believe me there are some wonderful men out there. You have alot of life left to live. Start Living!
- 89
- tantrum
- 6486 posts
- Joined: 5 months ago
- Hubs: 40
- Fans: 162
sneakorocksolid wrote:
You're a smart woman. Get out of this mess and get your life back!
smart woman ?? 
84- Justine76
- 1555 posts
- Joined: 6 weeks ago
- Hubs: 7
- Fans: 78
tantrum wrote:
sneakorocksolid wrote:
You're a smart woman. Get out of this mess and get your life back!
smart woman ??hi tantrum.
even smart women get stupid about relationships.- 75
- sneakorocksolid
- 2652 posts
- Joined: 6 months ago
- Hubs: 17
- Fans: 102
tantrum wrote:
sneakorocksolid wrote:
You're a smart woman. Get out of this mess and get your life back!
smart woman ??I was trying to be sensitive and supportive, be nice.
- 89
- tantrum
- 6486 posts
- Joined: 5 months ago
- Hubs: 40
- Fans: 162
Justine76 wrote:
tantrum wrote:
sneakorocksolid wrote:
You're a smart woman. Get out of this mess and get your life back!
smart woman ??hi tantrum.
even smart women get stupid about relationships.hi justine !
You got a point there
It's incredible what sex & love together can do to a person ! - 89
- tantrum
- 6486 posts
- Joined: 5 months ago
- Hubs: 40
- Fans: 162
sneakorocksolid wrote:
tantrum wrote:
sneakorocksolid wrote:
You're a smart woman. Get out of this mess and get your life back!
smart woman ??I was trying to be sensitive and supportive, be nice.
sorry, but I couldn't resist !. it sounds so funny !
I'll try to be nice, sneak
- 84
- Justine76
- 1555 posts
- Joined: 6 weeks ago
- Hubs: 7
- Fans: 78
tantrum wrote:
Justine76 wrote:
tantrum wrote:
smart woman ??hi tantrum.
even smart women get stupid about relationships.hi justine !
You got a point there
It's incredible what sex & love together can do to a person !yeah....I know.
- 75
- sneakorocksolid
- 2652 posts
- Joined: 6 months ago
- Hubs: 17
- Fans: 102
tantrum wrote:
sneakorocksolid wrote:
tantrum wrote:
smart woman ??I was trying to be sensitive and supportive, be nice.
sorry, but I couldn't resist !. it sounds so funny !
I'll try to be nice, sneakTantrum you're the best! It is sort of sad funny.
- 89
- tantrum
- 6486 posts
- Joined: 5 months ago
- Hubs: 40
- Fans: 162
And she should start writing hubs. I think !!
92- EmpressFelicity
- 173 posts
- Joined: 3 months ago
- Hubs: 32
- Fans: 25
A question: where does he go on these ten day jaunts? Maybe he's got another woman somewhere, which would make him even more of a deadbeat!
I don't know you and am really guessing here, but I bet part of the reason you feel so depressed and suicidal is that you *know* you've wasted your time on this man and have therefore probably missed out on at least a couple of partners who would have been so much better for you.
99- pgrundy
- 1909 posts
- Joined: 2 years ago
- Hubs: 221
- Fans: 2066
Good Lord, don't waste another second on this manipulative loser. You can't make a silk purse out of a sow's ear.
Do something for yourself and stay off men for awhile. As soon as you get to where you feel you don't need one and are happy, the right one will just show up.
Works every time. Good luck.- 84
- Justine76
- 1555 posts
- Joined: 6 weeks ago
- Hubs: 7
- Fans: 78
pgrundy wrote:
Good Lord, don't waste another second on this manipulative loser. You can't make a silk purse out of a sow's ear.
Do something for yourself and stay off men for awhile. As soon as you get to where you feel you don't need one and are happy, the right one will just show up.
Works every time. Good luck.I agree. To be in a healthy relationship, you need to take care of you. You cant expect someone else to fix you. Take some time off to take care of you!!
96- Amanda Severn
- 410 posts
- Joined: 16 months ago
- Hubs: 49
- Fans: 357
In life, if you keep the doing the same things, then you can't expect things to change. It's time to move on. Turn the page, and start a new chapter.
