Altered Beast for the Sega Genesis (Mega Drive) - Crappy Video Games

A True Classic. Classically Crappy, That Is.

Some people say that Altered Beast is one of the great classics on the Mega Drive, while others see it for what it truly is: A large pile of donkey turds. The game first came out as a standalone arcade game in 1988, and it was ported to the Sega Genesis the year after that. It's really quite a stupid game.

The plot is simple enough. Zeus resurrects some dude (the centurion) with huge muscles to kick zombies repeatedly in the groin until he finds Zeus' daughter, Athena. Our overly-sexualized, muscle clad protagonist continues to kick zombies in the nuts until he finds the antagonist of the game, a demon called Neff. Our video game version of Fabio beats Neff up a bunch of times in various forms. He finds Athena. Woohoo. The end.

Did I spoil it for you? I think we all could have guessed where that plot was going. The idea is kindergarten-level for sure.

This is the entire game: Kicking zombies in the nuts until they explode. Imagine that. An entire game based around kicking zombies in the nuts. What a novel and incredibly stupid, insipid idea!
This is the entire game: Kicking zombies in the nuts until they explode. Imagine that. An entire game based around kicking zombies in the nuts. What a novel and incredibly stupid, insipid idea!

Here's a Run Through of the Entire Stupid Game

Look at how small that head is in relation to the centurion's body. After you kick zombies in the groin, they explode. Isn't that fun? Seriously, that head just looks weird. Put some clothes on, Fabio! I'm not into guys.
Look at how small that head is in relation to the centurion's body. After you kick zombies in the groin, they explode. Isn't that fun? Seriously, that head just looks weird. Put some clothes on, Fabio! I'm not into guys.

The Designers Were Clearly Idiots

By the way, centurion is a Roman term. Ancient Greeks spoke Ancient Greek. Zeus was God to the ancient people of Greece. Dumbass designers. What the hell does Zeus need Fabio for, anyway? Can't he just magic his daughter back from hell?

It really is a pathetic game, but it received lukewarm to positive reviews when it first came out. The graphics are half-decent for 1988, I guess, but the levels are short as all heck. There are only five levels, too. Ridiculous! The game is just criminally short. I guess that worked out okay in the arcades, since half the fun was showing off that you could beat a game. Still, for home consoles, the replayability on this one is basically zero. It's like a negative replayability. Memories of beating this game the second day after you bought it would just make you angry. Better to forget.

We can draw several conclusions from this picture. First, the designers of this game had a fascination with kicking and shooting crap at testicles and testicle areas. Second, someone was smoking a lot of crack because this game sucks.
We can draw several conclusions from this picture. First, the designers of this game had a fascination with kicking and shooting crap at testicles and testicle areas. Second, someone was smoking a lot of crack because this game sucks.

The Whole "Beast" Concept Ironically Makes the Game Way Too Easy

The stupid "beast" characters make the game ridiculously easy. They are beyond overpowered. Our character turns into these various beasts during gameplay, and each beast has different abilities. Level one sees the centurion turn into a werewolf. Simple enough. Level two sees our protagonist turn into a weredragon - which is basically the most awesome beast in the game. It shoots electricity everywhere, even out from its butt crack. It's essentially invincible if you aren't mentally challenged. The third level sees the centurion turn into a werebear (no, not a Carebear). The fourth level sees him turn into a weretiger, and the last level has him turn into Barbara Streisand. Oh, did I say Barbara Streisand? I meant Golden Werewolf. Hey, design team, were you running out of ideas here?

One of the bosses was actually Barbra Streisand. No kidding. I swear.
One of the bosses was actually Barbra Streisand. No kidding. I swear.

This Game Deserves to Be Flushed

I have actually never played this game as a child, thankfully. The first time I saw this game was about 10 years ago at a friend's house. He fired it up and played it in front of me. I remember watching him beat the whole game in like 15 minutes, and I was like, "So why do you like this game? That sucked." He promptly agreed with me, and we flushed the game down his toilet after pissing and crapping all over it.

The only thing that makes the game last 15 minutes instead of like 5-7 minutes is the fact that the bosses (Neff's different forms) take forever to kill. This game just blows chunks. I have no idea why some people like it. If you like it, seek mental help.

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