E3 2016 Predictions you can Count on!

Logo for Electronic Entertainment Expo (E3)
Logo for Electronic Entertainment Expo (E3) | Source

It's May. That means only one thing: Electronic Entertainment Expo is coming up next month - June 14-16 to be precise - and predicting what will happen at E3 is every gamer and bookie's favorite pastime for the next two weeks. So here are my predictions for the next E3 that you can take to the bank.

Ubisoft Press Conference

Ubisoft will announce that every single thing they've ever touched will become an annual franchise. Watch Dogs, Rayman, Even Twinworld. It features more attempts to force memes, and finally the act of forcing memes will itself become a meme thanks to Ubisoft's efforts.

Squaresoft Press Conference

We'll get the exact same trailer for Kingdom Heart's III we had last year. We'll get no new news, and no release date. People who pre-order will get a free costume pack for the Disney Characters nobody likes, like Nazi Donald Duck or Racist Stereotype From 50's A. Final Fantasy VII Redux will not be mentioned. A further delay in FFXV will be announced, but we'll get a new expansion for Final Fantasy XIV that costs $65.00 but if you order now, it will come with Sephiroth's sword.

(Not) An actual image of Gabe Newell after E3
(Not) An actual image of Gabe Newell after E3

Take Two Interactive/Rockstar Games Press Conference

Red Dead Redemption 2, GTA VI, and Manhunt 3. And two guys take some buckets and dump (presumably) fake blood on the audience. Seventeen journalists vomit before the end of the presser due to footage shown. Sixteen get taken to the hospital.

Valve

Valve, which isn't known for E3 appearances has been teasing and trolling about Left for Dead 3 for a couple weeks now, and fans are trying to continue the long-dead meme of Half-Life 3 memes going. Instead, Gabe Newell comes on and begins talking about the Steam Box. He get's heavy produce, such as pumpkins or watermelons thrown at him. He gets sent to a nearby hospital for treatment.

The Late Satoru Iwata contemplates a bunch of bananas during his last E3 appearance, in puppet form.
The Late Satoru Iwata contemplates a bunch of bananas during his last E3 appearance, in puppet form. | Source

Nintendo's uh... Whatever it Will Be Because we Know it won't be a Press Conference

Nintendo will do a thingie that probably involves a "Legomation" (TM) tribute to the late Satoru Iwata, complete with the respected former president apologizing for Star Fox Zero - "Please Understand." Aside from Shiguru Miyamoto, no one from Nintendo of Japan will appear. Reggie will spend ten minutes not talking about the NX and making mention of the new Animal Crossing and Fire Emblem mobile games, and also announce Free-To-Play versions of other much-loved Nintendo franchises such as Pilotwings and Brain Age. They will then jump over to Miyamoto-sensei who will discuss his latest project which is definitely not another Mario Game through the use of a translator. There will be more amiibo announcements but all will be forgiven as we'll get another Pokemon Sun and Moon trailer that will only contain two seconds of game footage we haven't seen yet and the name for another Pokemon we have yet to see.

Microsoft Press Conference

Lots of Master Chief, and a whirlwind of FPS shooters. A sneak peek at the new XBOne upgrade. Pro Controller will be mandatory with it, driving up the price for players who don't want a pro controller. They could literally use their 40 minutes to perform unspeakable acts on every member of the press in attendance, and everyone will still rage.

Sony Press Conference

No one will remember it because just as Sony is about to show new gameplay footage from FFVII Redux, that wasn't shown during Squaresoft's presser, Nintendo/Pokemon Company will release Pokemon Go to the Google Playstore /Apple Store and the room will empty as everyone is out catching Lv. 2 Ratatas.

Bonus: Nintendo's Post-not-a-presser-event-that-still-isn't-a-presser!

Nintendo will host a 48-hour livstream through the eShop that includes a Pokken Tournament tourny at Best Buy, minor announcements about upcoming Fire Emblem DLC and Splatoon updates, a "Nintendo Executives Play the most evil Mario Maker Levels Ever" and special eShop discounts for everything mentioned during E3. This will be when they drop that Pokemon Go is available for download, right as Sony is about to talk Final Fantasy VII Redux.

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