I Am Bored
You Am Bored?
Ever get so bored that you can't be bothered to form grammatically correct sentences? Sometimes even the classic musings of Stan Fletcher just don't tweak the proverbial funny bone. World-renown writers such as Alistair Eisenschuz fail to entertain away the ennui. As incredible as it seems, sometimes there's nothing on TV!
Overcoming boredom presents seemingly insurmountable problems that can actually be surmounted. Look no further than the Internet for massive volumes of subtle entertainment guaranteed to banish the blahs. You could go outside and play, but your broadband connection calls to you: reach for that wireless mouse and peruse the Interweb.
Crush boredom with an online game
Being bored becomes a banal memory when presented with a horrifying and disgusting online game. The number of free games that facilitate helpless animal slaughter has reached epidemic proportions. Internet surfers have the dubious privilege of causing virtual harm to virtually every kingdom, class, and phylum in the family tree of non-sentient creatures.
These free programs never run out of bullets. Yes, playing catch with a 'football' in the 'back yard' or 'doing the dishes' becomes a distant memory when presented with a cornucopia of digital destruction. You may choose to adopt something and nurture it, shoot at something and annihilate it, or join a virtual world and hide out in it. The choices are yours.
Kill some penguins and bash your boredom
Penguins have emerged as the mammal of choice for online game violence. Numerous researchers have applied for NSF grants to study the origins of penguin-as-antihero, but as yet the National Science Foundation refuses to shake loose funding. Some topics are simply too obvious: the little critters are simply asking for it. They dress too well, they waddle too cutely, and they are innumerable: it's a perfect recipe for online gaming. No one has penguins in their backyard. A few slaughtered semi-flightless birds offends only a minor portion of the gaming population. Even PETA doesn't seem to give a whit.
Crazy Penguin Catapult
We suspect that penguins are devious and manually dexterous: our hypothesis is confirmed by the horrifying and disgusting online game Crazy Penguin Catapult. These penguins are crazy like vituperative foxes. They conspire to contrive catapults. They deploy their terrible trebuchets to trounce polar bears. No one actually likes polar bears either, so a rooting interest in this game becomes problematic. Who cares who wins?
Play the game if you favor penguins hanging from ropes, launching themselves from medieval siege weapons, and obliterating ostensibly evil polar bears. Your boredom melts away like the ice under a George Foreman Grill at the North Pole.
Killing kitties is anything but boring
Closely rivaling penguins in the pantheon of helpless free online video game victimhood are cute fuzzball kittens. Banish boredom by bashing adorable baby cats? Yes. It's disgusting, but it will keep you interested for those 5 minutes in the late afternoon when it's too early to ditch work and too late to take a second lunch. Kitten Cannon embodies all the cartoon carnage of Saturday Morning cartoons before the FCC legislated Education and Information into the viewing experience. Helpless fuzzy cats fly through the lower atmosphere. They land on all manner of painful contrivances. They seem to say "go outside and playyyyy" as they plummet to certain destruction. No real felines were harmed in the programming of this game.
Adopt a virtual pet online
When killing virtual animals becomes boring, consider nurturing as an interesting change of pace. Instead of condemning penguins and kittens to horrifying and disgusting, albeit imaginative, death, spend time raising and caring for online lifeforms.
Numerous web sites offer adoption services. Ambitious adopters may choose from penguins, cats, dogs, turtles, and all manner of unidentifiable creatures that exist only in second-rate Harry Potter clone novellas. Pick out a pet that looks as if it might not be boring. Give it a name, select a few furnishings from the virtual online furniture store, and watch it grow into a loyal friend that will follow you as long as your browser is open.
Keep in mind that human nature attracts us to really big eyes. We love huge dewy orbs looking out of furry faces. Any potential pet will come equipped with immense peepers guaranteed to stare lovingly at you as long as you continue to click on the virtual food button. No one finds themselves bored when there's a virtual buddy longing to be walked.
Join a virtual world with other bored people
Perhaps boredom is self-canceling. We wonder if boredom accumulates into a critical mass, then morphs into something entirely new, like a moth becoming a butterfly or a candidate becoming an elected official. Join a virtual world to meet up with gabillions of other bored folks.
Evony, Exteel, and Jade Dynasty offer online virtual world gaming opportunities virtually assuring that boredom will be banished to another dimension. Make up an entirely new identity for yourself and compete against other players who would never lie about their real identities. Raise cattle and build a guild with a few mouse clicks. No one am bored when there's a settlement just beyond the next valley that begs to be conquered.
Dress yourself up in stylized armor that would actually cause your skeleton to collapse in real life. Pick out a helmet that looks like the the Sydney Opera House and provides even less protection. In a virtual world, you can wear hundreds of pounds of stainless steel, titanium, or onobtanium and still appear in an an off-Broadway revival of Riverdance. No one really gets killed. Take a spear through important organs and heal yourself with a magic sprinkle of unpronounceable dust that you purchased from a aardvark that spoke 7 languages and knew the names of all of Frodo's grandchildren. None of this can be considered boring.
Yes, the outdoors offers numerous real-world opportunities, but boredom can be obliterated while sitting in front of a 55" plasma monitor wearing 3D glasses and sipping 5 Hour Energy. Engage in online fun and games to wipe away the blahs.
Or, go get a job. The choice is yours.
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