Rating The New Mega Pokémon In Pokémon Omega Ruby & Alpha Sapphire

Last year, I posted a hub rating the mega pokémon in Pokémon X and Y. Because that went so swimmingly (based on your oh-so delightful comments), I decided to flex my Poke-brains once again and give my expert analysis on the Mega Evolutions being introduced in the upcoming Omega Ruby and Alpha Sapphire. I'm positive this won't be taken at all seriously or sail over the heads of stuck-up Poke-fans. Let's get to it.

Well, we're off to a craptacular start. What's so special about this thing? You know, it kind of looks like Ariticuno - if the legendary bird took a 50-rung plunge down the badass ladder. Why does it look like it's been swimming in shaving cream? Maybe it was preparing to shave off whatever awesome it had left. It's classified as a Humming Pokémon, which is about as lame as a classification as you can get. Altaria also has a social personality and isn't timid around humans. If that's true, have fun facing extinction, dummy.

Final Rating - ZZZ: Mega Altaria won't have to hum long because it's already putting me to sleep

Wow, this thing makes Clefairy looks like Charizard. Mega Audino is a Hearing Pokémon. Don't all Pokémon hear? Its chest feeler (that thing in its hand) can put creatures into a deep slumber. I don't want your gross chest feeler anywhere near me, Audino. Healing is its main specialty, so if Mega Audino can mend the damage its crappy existence has inflicted on the credibility of Mega Evolutions, it'll be a regular Jesus Christ.

Final Rating - A: For amputation. That bizarre chest feeler really needs to go.

Game Freak really needs to start enforcing the MEGA in Mega Evolution harder because all I'm seeing are a bunch of wimps so far. Lopunny's ridiculous ears are supposed to be able to crumple steel plates. "Steel" is a rather odd way to spell "Paper". Apparently its personality can suddenly become extremely aggressive. Judging by Lopunny's prissy stance (and the dumb butterfly thing on its forehead), you can definitely see the unbridled rage brewing within its soul, set to erupt like Mount St. Helens at the drop of a hat. So is this the world's first bi-polar pokémon, then?

Final Rating - F: Maybe the butterfly will become sentient and flaps its wings to lift Mega Lopunny out of my Pokemon game.

Okay, s**t just picked up. Mega Salamance actually has two wings that fuse together to form a giant, crescent-shaped wing that can slice through anything. That's just sick. It's special ability is called Aerilate, which sounds so sweet that it doesn't matter that I haven't a clue as to what the name actually means. Maybe it's the name for a late flight? Perhaps eating in mid-air? One little known fact about Mega Salamance is that it's unique shape is for reminding alphabetically-challenged people what comes after the letter B. It's a struggle we've all faced, so thank goodness we now have this flying teacher to help us finally graduate kindergarten.

Final Rating - C-: Not because it's bad; the grade just kind of looks like Mega Salamence from ground view. That's super neat to me.

This thing can cut its own tail off and FIRE IT LIKE A MISSILE. That is just...wow. Screw it, I'm not even going to bother mentioning any other facts because absolutely nothing is going to top that display of badassery. My goodness.

Final Rating - A+, S-Rank, Pure Platinum: I bet Super Mega Sceptile (oh, you know that's coming) will be able to decapitate itself and throw its head like a cannonball. Calling it now.

So that annoying pokémon from Smash Bros. that stomps the yard and sends everyone flying gets a Mega form too, huh? Though it looks like now he'll be doing a lot less stepping and a lot more...hugging? I can't be the only one who sees Metagross' obvious invitation to hug it out. Maybe that's its strategy: to allure emotionally-damaged pokémon and/or people with an offering of love and tenderness only to mercilessly crush the depression (and life) out of them.

Final Rating - A: We all need a hug sometimes.

IT'S A SWAMP EXPERT! I ACTUALLY GET THE PUN!!! *

*Ahem* So yes, this muscle-bound pokémon definitely looks tough but someone needs to remind Swampert to never skip leg day. Mega Swampert gains the Swift Swim ability, which increases its speed during rainy weather. Whenever I'm traveling in a rainstorm, I notice quite a few drivers using this ability as well. They carelessly cut me off and leave me wishing that I had some sort of muscular, water-based creature that could use it's Hulk-arms to toss their sorry butts back to driving school. I think Swampert will be my starter of choice.

Final Rating - A: For making those wet streets safer for all of us.

Well f**k me. In addition to being the most over-designed creature on this list, Mega Rayquaza is probably the most unfair too. Wasn't this thing already some sort of god to begin with? This OP deity gains Delta Steam, a move that cancels out every weather condition but don't get too excited about using it; Mega Rayquaza is probably being banned from tournament play as I write this. I mean, it's a MEGA GOD POKÉMON. Not only can it change the weather, but it can probably grant wishes without the need for Dragon Balls too. That doesn't seem fair.

Final Rating - B: For Broken. Mega Rayquaza, cool as he is, is going to be the Oddjob of Pokémon: choosing him will make your friends groan in disbelief because you couldn't defeat them without resorting to super cheapness.

Did somebody call Brock Lesnar? Our awesome streak just ended. Mega Diancie's sparkling body is so shiny that you can't look directly at it. Seems like that'd be a hindrance to the owner, no? If I wanted to risk permanent blindness during battles, I'd be chucking pokeballs at a solar eclipse. Hold on, that huge diamond atop Diancie's noggin apparently measures over 2,000 CARATS! Why on earth are you battling with this walking (floating?) fortune and not selling its shiny butt to the nearest...jewelry-pokemon-buying person?! You could buy, like, a zillion Mega Sceptiles with that kind of dough.

Final Rating - C.R.E.A.M.: You already know.

This creepy-looking runt uses its beautiful jewel as a shield against attacks. So how do you beat Mega Sableye? Hit it from behind. Congrats, I just won you the battle; you owe me a some of the money you scored from selling Diancie to Zales or wherever.

Final Rating - D: The best defense...is something better than relying on heavy jewel that will probably crush Sableye since it lacks Swampert's manly arms.

*dies laughing* What in the world is going on with Slowbro? The poor thing looks like it's trapped in a Vietnam flashback. I normally don't do this, but the factoid from one of the wikis I'm referencing is so dumb that I had to paste it in full:

Energy was focused in the Shellder biting Slowbro's tail, and the result was that the hardness of the shell increased and it became an immensely hard suit of armor that can be damaged by no one.

I've always found the reasoning behind the Sheller/Slowbro relationship to be a vague stretch, but now it seems like Game Freak scoured the internet for the youngest pokémon fan-fiction writer and hired the tyke to pen the fiction behind Mega Slowbro. I'm sure the bio for Super Mega Slowbro (I'm telling you, it's going to happen) will read something like this:

And then the Shellder was able to channel the energy of not only all of the Slowbro tails on Earth, but of all the pokémon tails to transform the usually dimwitted Slowbro into a Slowgod. Shellder then whispered telepathically to Super Mega Slowbro "Leave this earthly plane" and with that declaration, Slowbro rocketed to the heavens using its new Shell Rockets. During special nights, those pure of heart can look to the constellations and witness Super Mega Slowbro dancing with the Poke-angels (and that creepy dead Marowak from Lavender Town) while crying tears of blessing and stupidity over all mortals.

Final Rating - D: For DeviantArt, which is where my new fan-fic "Dance of the Slowgod" will be making its debut.

So what do you think of my ratings? Do you agree or do I deserve to be buried alive by an army of Digletts? Let me know in the comments below!