Top 10 Reasons Why Super Mario World Is Racist

So you're happily reliving your childhood, stomping Goombas and knocking poor little Koopa turtles out of their shells. You're on a winning streak on your antique vintage video game Super Mario World. You're leveling the levels, you're annihilating evil Koopa sorcerers, you're fighting your way to the BOWSER TOWER, the symbol of all things which oppress the free and the upright. Somewhere yon Princess Toadstool calls, and you heed it. Because you are in Dinosaur Land and Toadstool is your love. Hovering over her-menacingly-is King Lizard Bowser himself. Mario is a hero, right? And you are Mario, so you are vicariously living the life of a hero. But of course you cannot know...or perhaps you do, and you've only suspected it. Hidden beneath the fairy tale veneer of Super Mario World is the anglophobic rantings of a foreign nation, concealed behind happy, smiling faces and dinosaur dragons which are all too happy to be squashed. Allow me to oblige you with some interesting facts concerning the racism in Super Mario World. It may shock you. It will certainly thrill you. And it will make you think the next time you pick up that dreaded symbol of American oppression: The Super Nintendo Remote.

Here are some things you should know about the game. There are subliminal messages that the game's creator designed into the very programming itself. They delivered these secret messages to millions of children outside of Japan. While there's no study to show it, Super Mario World may well have contributed to the decline of youth today! Allow me to enumerate several points:

1. Yoshi. Yes, Yoshi is a lovable little green character that you can saddle and ride to victory throughout the 96 some odd levels of Mario World. But behind that unassuming Yoshi smile and those big wide Yoshi eyes is a secret. It's a secret of subversion. It's interesting how we have a big fat plumber-man (An American plumber man, no less) riding this poor little animal. Even at times, sacrificing the little dinosaur's life so that he can avoid falling into some pit or peril. Yoshi is all too happy to serve Mario, even respawning in other blocks after Mario discards Yoshi. Yoshi is always waiting, always subservient. And Yoshi is also a Japanese name. So what are the Japanese trying to tell us? That all Americans are fat, lazy plumbers who'd rather ride some Japanese dinosaur than walk on his own two feet! What kind of message does this send to kids? That all Americans are good for is to take advantage of the hard work of foreign countries? Interesting point. I think I'll move on and leave this one up to you.
2. Portrayal of American Sports. Namely, the little tackling critters that are near the end of each level. They represent blundering America, trying to stop the little guy from reaching the goal posts. Notice how it's not a Bonzai tree clipper or a Zen gardener that tries to stop Mario-it's a football tossing, baseball pitching, quarter-back looking sports guy. So this is how American sports are viewed? Hmmm. Stereotypical Americans just kicking around footballs and pitching baseballs, huh? I don't think so! Racist to the core right here, fellas.
3. Piranha Plants. The shapes and shades of these strawberries are clearly American in origin. It's an American strawberry. Only it's a monstrosity with teeth. The Japanese are aware how fond we Americans are of strawberries. They also know that we grow a lot of them. So what are they telling us? That our strawberries are genetic mutants that will eat you instead of the other way around? This is a strategic insertion of a sort of code which is interpreted subconsciously by those who play the game. "Don't eat American food, Don't eat American food," is exactly what that message is saying. It screams anti-America.
4. Mario & Luigi. Hm. The dynamic duo themselves. And what have they got to do with the subversion of American culture? Quite a bit, I should say! And it should be obvious to anyone with a brain the kind of stereotypes these two are portraying. So what am I supposed to take away from this game, if I've never seen an American before? That they're spectacularly overweight, fat, and love to gather up coins at all costs? Speaking of coins...
5. Coins. You get coins, you get a life. What?!?! But what's wrong with that? Well let me tell you, a whole lot is wrong with that. It teaches children that the more coins you gather, the happier you should be, and the more lives you will have. In essence, it indoctrinates children into believing that money is directly related to longevity. It's the truth. Don't try to deny it.
6. Princess Toadstool. She's the cause of all of this. She's the trouble. And she's white, blonde-haired, and always getting kidnapped. A sexist symbol if I ever saw one! So she can't defend herself, is that right? Well...someone who looks as good as her must be helpless. After all, no good looking lady can take care of herself. Is that what we should grow up and be taught? That all the good looking ones are potential damsels in distress and must be periodically rescued because they blunder into one incident after another? Damaging to our society, I must say.
7. Mushrooms. This one's obvious. So it's okay to take in mushrooms? Of course...as long as they're the kind you put on a pizza!! Not the red-topped or green-topped psychedelic strength-enhancing kind. Of course, only a white, overweight American man from Brooklyn needs those. It's the only way us Americans can perform. We need drug enhancements so that we can accomplish our goals in life. They purposely design the game so that you can't win it without eating a mushroom. So go ahead. Eat those green and red mushrooms. See how many lives it gives you!
8. Pipes. These represent the crumbling infrastructure of America. It's a view that I'm sure many support, thanks to misleading representation such as that found in this foreign video game. They're full of mysterious creatures and lava. A lot of them leak. We can't even get our pipes to work, is what this is saying. What else can we not get to work in this country?
9. Bowser's Castle. It's the symbol of oppression, as I said above. Funny how it resembles an AMERICAN OFFICE BUILDING!! There's the various floors, the different numbered doors, and finally the fire-breathing boss at the top. Topple the establishments! Go on children, take over your country by destroying those at the top!
10. Smashing Gold Bricks. Down with the gold standard! Everything should be free! At least get your statements straight, people! First you teach them to love gold coins, but then you tell them through subliminal suggestion to destroy the gold standard? How unAmerican? What next? Down with capitalism? The Free market? Fair Labor? I don't think so. Not on this American's watch.

And that's it. Maybe you'll see Super Mario World for the devilish thing that it is. Turn away from this game or risk being morally uprooted. It threatens the good citizens of this nation. Burn them like we burn the bad books! Burn every copy you can find! Eliminate these dark symbols from our world right now.