The Pampered Nerd: The Art of Trolling Video Games
21 Useful Tips for Improving your Forum Experience
The following is a Useful Guide to Trolling the Forums. For discriminating gaming nerds.
A Note from the Author: Having indulged in most (but not all) of the following behaviors myself, I can attest to their Worth and Value. The gentle reader will not accept my word for it, of course, but must experience first-hand the joys of being a First-Rate Troll.
- Everything that is Wrong with Your Game is the Result of Trying to Appeal to the Mass Market/Casual Gamers/Unwashed Masses: Remember that all of a developer's choices are dictated by this single overriding goal of appealing to the Lowest Common Denominator. And what can be lower than a young console gamer that has only been exposed to highly visible game franchises?
- Every Change is an Effort to Dumb It Down: In no way the same as the first point. This point should be obvious to any discriminating connoisseur. Change is bad, plain and simple.
- You Are Entitled to Demand Changes: After all, you're a paying customer, and as the Most Important Paying Customer, your desires are more important than the desires of other paying customers. Note that in the case of an Elite Gamer like yourself, this point is in no way a reflection on the previous two points.
- Developers Only Care About Money: It is a well-known fact that all developers are soulless unfeeling corporate drones that only care about money. This is always bad for the industry, unless it happens to be your money they care about, in which case they should sit up and take notice. (See point 3.)
- Developers are Incompetent, Or Why Didn't They Test This?: Failure is inexcusable and must be punished. You have no difficulty being perfect, so why should the developers be allowed to excuse themselves?
- Anyone Defending a Design Decision You Disagree with Is a Shill and Apologist: It is impossible that anyone capable of reason would agree with a design decision made by a developer that you didn't like.
- Your Preferences are Based on Sound Reasoning, All Other Preferences are Fail: Logic dictates that your opinions are, in fact, correct, and that other opinions are, in fact, wrong.
- Flame Wars are a Productive Use of One's Time: If people can't be bothered to engage in this Useful Activity, please make the effort to persuade them otherwise.
- Moderators are Fascists: Other people have no right to judge your post as offensive or in violation of the clearly posted rules. It is your right to say whatever you like. Whenever possible, alert the moderators of their abuse of power in a series of rapidly closed threads.
- All Whingers Must Be Severely Punished: It's only fair that other people get a taste of their own medicine. If someone starts complaining, the best solution is to complain about it. This only applies to other people. (This article is protected under this clause.)
- Always Reply to a Post Without Reading the OP: Only noobs read OP posts.
- Reading Previous Posts is Living in the Past: Like the great Zen masters, strive to live always in the present by ignoring the other posts in a thread. It is impossible that other people might have already beaten your opinions to death and are sick of rehashing them. By definition, your opinion is Special.
- Reading Previous Threads is Living in the Past: Like the great Zen masters, strive to live always in the present by ignoring the existence of other threads. It is impossible that someone else may have already started a thread about the exact same topic. By definition, your opinion is Special.
- The Search Button is Broken: It is common knowledge that searching the forums is useless. It is impossible that other people may have already asked and answered your questions. By definition, your questions are Special.
- A Game Forum is the Best Place to Seek Legal/Medical/Financial/Relationship Advice: By all means, please feel free to start threads about these topics and provide others with your hard-won expertise. It is highly unlikely that Google will be of any use to anyone about these subjects.
- Sexual Orientation, Cultural Background, Religion, and Politics are Acceptable and Profitable Avenues of Discussion: As these types of discussions tend to lend themselves to the most satisfying and enlightening discourse, they should be indulged in whenever possible. Because All Moderators are Fascists, however, it is best to bring up these topics in unrelated threads, especially when other forum posters appear to be too ignorant to ask for your opinion. Which brings us to our next point, which is
- Your Opinion Matters: Remember, in a world of seven billion people, your opinion deserves to be heard above all others. If others disagree, you may need to remind them of this fact.
- Your Opinion is Better: Remember, in a world of seven billion people, it is unlikely that people with different opinions are better informed or more discerning. If others disagree, remind them of this fact.
- Every Difference of Opinion is a Personal Attack: Don't let other trolls fool you. If someone disagrees with you it's because they envy your superior intellect and charm. These trolls should be curb-stomped without mercy.
- Everyone Else is Lying: If someone says they accomplished something that you couldn't, they're lying. It is impossible that anyone could be better than you at anything.
- TL;DR: You probably didn't get this far, but anyway: Failing to draw attention to the fact that you couldn't be bothered to read someone else's post is a serious faux pas. Please make the effort to contribute this salient detail to every thread that you don't actually read.
You can support your fellow trolls in their endeavors to create a Safe Place to Share by indulging in a tactic known as "Bumping Uglies".
To Bump Uglies, simply reply to any troll thread with a fresh volley of Vitriol and Intolerance. As trolls are constitutionally incapable of resisting this heady mix, they are sure to respond and in no time you will find yourself bumping furiously in a gratuitous display of promiscuous, anonymous rage. It truly is a Sight to Behold, and one of the Wonders of the Internet Kingdom.
Of course, if you can't find a playmate, you may avoid the unpleasant social stigma attached to having a post on Page 2 and flaunt your e-peen by engaging in the not-at-all-unsavory practice of Self-Bumping, or auto-e-ragica. Warning: Over-indulgence may cause blindness.
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