20 Ways to Know if Your Doctor is Unqualified to Handle Your Case

Doctor asleep in his office
Doctor asleep in his office
Doctor cursing at patients
Doctor cursing at patients

"MR. SICKNESS" IS ALWAYS LURKING

It’s not a matter of if, but when. I am talking about that rough area of human life entitled getting sick. And not with your garden-variety head cold, but seriously sick. So sick that you can barely walk and you despise how you look in the bathroom mirror. Plus you spent a lot of time in your bathroom with this serious ailment.

That time has come for you, Mr. Tom Vicks, age 30, married to a banker’s youngest and prettiest daughter, Allison. You and she have two kids; Chester and Sally who are both doing well in the private school you put them in this year.

You have taken all of the home remedies given to you by your “Aunt Judy,” and you’re “Grammy Dinkis,” who nursed you back to health when you had the mumps, and you are still sick. Your wife is worried. Your kids are worried. Your boss is so worried about you that he has hired a “temp” to fill-in for you while you are off the job. You hear cold rumors about your boss hiring retired Barnum-Bailey circus monkey, “Elmer,” to take over your duties at the office.

Doctor with anger issues is always a problem
Doctor with anger issues is always a problem
Booze and doctors do not mix
Booze and doctors do not mix

FACE IT. YOU ARE REALLY SICK

This is bad. Really bad, my friend. You have never in all of your mostly-healthy 30 years, been this sick. Your fever is pegging-out at 104 and you are hallucinating things like green elephants being ridden by Roy Rogers, King of The Cowboys, and a male chorus who are singing “I’ve Been Working on The Railroad,” perpetually and without showing any fatigue. You are now fainting a lot. Not that you are a drinking man, but the thought of opening a bottle of 20-year-old Scotch whiskey given to you by your grand old dad when you graduated Dartmouth. He was so proud of you.

Then on another trip to the bathroom, you decide that drinking Scotch whiskey is not a wise choice. You open the door to the bathroom and then faint. You are almost turning fainting into an Olympic Sport. And to make things worse, you are not getting better.

Your poor (and very pretty) wife, Allison, who was the head majorette at Dartmouth when you met her. It was infatuation right off the bat. You and Allison fell in love and graduated together. You went to Brown University for their under-graduate program and look out, so did Allison. If that isn’t love what is?

Doctors having affairs with office help means trouble
Doctors having affairs with office help means trouble

YOU ARE IN GOOD HANDS WITH ALLISON

Pretty Allison, with her perfect, taut body has been on the phone for hours calling various doctor’s offices, clinics and hospitals to find out if (a) doctor can see you this afternoon. I mean Allison loves you, but hey, she has a job and responsibilities too.

You are laying face-down on your floor. Seemingly, this is the most-comfortable place in your house, so you continue to doze here while sweet Allison is now about to say . . .”Eureka! I have found (a) doctor in the Westchester Medical Complex who will see you, Dave, at 4 p.m. today! Yip-eeeee! Are you proud of your little Allison?” You manage to give her a half-smile but the drool is running down your cheek.

Allison takes over. She walks you to the bathroom to help you get your shower. Seems like our college days, you think to yourself as the warm water droplets which feel like pellets from a pellet gun pierce your sensitive skin.

After you are dressed, assisted by Allison, you are ready for your healing to begin with you seeing (a) Dr. Jublestein, a doctor who was at the top of class at Johns-Hopkins University where he specialized in diseases of the body and bone. Dr. Jublestein, Allison explains to you on the way to his office, “has a very successful practice and he is called upon many times to fly out of the United States to see the son of a Sheik in Kuwait or maybe a daughter of a Duke somewhere near Britain. You feel better already at hearing just how talented he is.

Allison drives up and parks. The parking lot at the Westchester Medical Complex is stacked-full of BMW’s, Bentley’s, Rolls Royce, and a lot of Jags. This place must rake in the dough, you think. Then smile because you recall what your Uncle Tim, a traveling car battery salesman once said to you: “The finest restaurants are those where all of the big rigs are parked.” And you use that logic to convince yourself that a doctor this busy must be pretty talented.

Allison checks you in with the reception nurse as you slump to an empty chair (covered in fine leather) in the waiting room. Patients whisper and look at you for almost fainting. Again. But these are not redneck’s. These are all from the upper-crust of your town. They are rich, powerful and very influential.

One-half hour ticks by. “Mr. Tom Vicks,” a soft-spoken receiving nurse says as she smiles at Allison who has to assist you to the doctor’s office a short walk down the hallway. You are feeling better now and it occurs to you that your insurance might not cover an office call, but you keep that question to yourself as you and Allison walk into Dr. Jubelstein’s office.

Have YOU ever had an unqualified doctor?

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Other signs that your doctor is unqualified

If your doctor only tells jokes
If your doctor only tells jokes
If your surgeon just asks questions during surgery
If your surgeon just asks questions during surgery
Your doctor loves to act foolish
Your doctor loves to act foolish
If your doctor likes stupid signs in his office
If your doctor likes stupid signs in his office
Is your doctor easily stumped by easy medical questions
Is your doctor easily stumped by easy medical questions
If your doctor shrugs his shoulders and admits he is an idiot
If your doctor shrugs his shoulders and admits he is an idiot
Doctors in the early days endorsed cigarettes
Doctors in the early days endorsed cigarettes
Drinking on duty means your doctor has a problem
Drinking on duty means your doctor has a problem
Doctor always sleeps during on-duty time
Doctor always sleeps during on-duty time
Your doctor never admits that he is human
Your doctor never admits that he is human
"How do I do this operation?
"How do I do this operation? | Source

YOU ARE TREATED LIKE ROYALTY IN THIS DOCTOR'S OFFICE

His appointment nurse who also acts as his office manager is looking down at her appointment book. Allison silently walks to her desk and clears her dainty throat. The nurse giggles as Allison caught her reading the latest issue of Sports Afield which had the story about a man who fought and tamed a 3200-pound Northwest grizzly bear.

Soon another nurse takes you by the arm and Allison is on your other side to make sure you do not faint and first thing you know, you are sitting smack dab in front of Dr. Jublestein’s huge, lavish hand-carved Norwegian Pine desk. But no Dr. Jublestein. You look at Allison with worried eyes. Dr. Jublestein’s nurse explains before he talks to his new patients, he goes to his secret meditation place in the building and just clears his mind as to be at his best when the new patient asks questions.

“This guy is all business, hun,” you whisper to Allison. She winks in agreement with you.

The time tick tock’s away. And you are still sick. Allison’s soft hand is holding your left hand to support you during this crisis.

Then without warning, in comes Dr. Jublestein, dressed in his finest Scottish golfing attire. You and Allison’s eyes widen out of curiosity. “What ya’ say, lad? Good enough for the Open next month?” Dr. Jublestein says with a chuckle.

Then he starts talking in a stern and serious voice. But after each statement, he stops, thinks about what he said, and writes it all down for later use.

You finally let go a sigh of relief. Your wife scored huge when she found Dr. Jublestein. Yes, sir—eee.

But before long you suddenly realize that Dr Jublestein may not be a qualified doctor, not just for your ailment, but for any ailment. So that is why I am giving this piece the title of . . .

“20 Ways for You to Know That Your Doctor May Be Unqualified to Handle Your Case”

  • This doctor has posters of Larry, The Cable Guy and male body-builder posters all over his office walls.
  • He mispronounces your name at least six times during the first ten minutes of your first meeting with him.
  • This “talented” doctor dozes-off while you are explaining what is wrong with you.
  • This “talented” physician is visibly flirting with Allison while you are yakking about your concerns about what this illness might be.
  • You are almost knocked-down by the aroma of whiskey emitting from his breath as well as his office.
  • This “talented” doctor takes phone calls without asking you to “excuse him,” while he chats with one of his doctor buddies about having a good ole night on the town.
  • This doctor is almost-obsessed about how much money you have in your checking account.
  • He seems proud of his swollen right hand as he reveals that he was doing emergency surgery on a rattlesnake who he didn’t think needed anesthesia, and suddenly bit him.
  • This professional man of medicine’s hands are as dirty as an auto mechanic who has changed the oil in your car.
  • There are several voodoo dolls and shrunken heads on his desk in plain-sight of his patients.
  • His receptionist, “Tiff,” snapping her chewing gum, interrupts you talking to him about medical options for your sickness, to tell him that yet another bill collector needs to stop by in the morning to talk with him.
  • This doctor certainly believes in total-honesty. He volunteers that he has had at least ten patients who have died under mysterious circumstances.
  • He also jokes about “washing-out” of the medical schooling to become a plastic surgeon.
  • In mid-discussion of your insurance assistance for his services, he asks you to let him have a hundred-dollars to “tide him over,” until next week.
  • Making light conversation, you ask, “Do you live around here, doctor?” He chuckles and pulls back the drapes and points to an RV parked in the hospital parking lot.
  • This physician asks you and Allison to excuse him while he uses the rest room. You both agree, but he whips out a two-liter soda bottle and slips it underneath his desk. He advises you, “best cover your ears at this point.”
  • There is this strange and unnerving jungle music playing on his office sound system.
  • One time you say, “Doctor Jublestein,” and he laughs and says, “Oh, that is just for tax purposes. My real name is Lou.”
  • This man who took the Hippocratic Oath, asks you how to spell “colon.”
  • He reaches to get a file folder from his desk and photos of nude men spill out on the floor. You ask out of fear, “Doctor, are you into nude men?” He laughs and replies, “Wy’ no, son. Those are some of my patients.”

Coming next . . .(Sorry. I suddenly forgot. I need to go shopping for a good doctor.)

This is when doctors were doctors

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Comments 18 comments

DealForALiving profile image

DealForALiving 2 years ago from Earth

It wouldn't be a good sign but I'd definitely want to walk into some kind of office building and see some voodoo dolls, just for kicks of course...


Pawpawwrites profile image

Pawpawwrites 2 years ago from Kansas

Glad my physical is over for the year. I don't like any of them much.


Kiss andTales profile image

Kiss andTales 2 years ago

Wrong Symptoms named with medication .


sheilamyers 2 years ago

I'd definitely run screaming from the building if any of those things happened. Thanks again for a good laugh because, as they say, laughter is good medicine.


carrie Lee Night profile image

carrie Lee Night 2 years ago from Northeast United States

Since I work in a doctors office I found this very hilarious :). LOL :). Great funny hub. I liked the one about jungle music in the office and the posters :). Thank you for sharing.


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 2 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Hi, carrie Lee Night,

Thank you, dear friend, for the smile you planted on my mug.

You and all of my followers are all loved and appreciated

by me, "Dr. Kenneth"


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 2 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Hi, sheilamyers,

Thank you for the comical comment that made me feel better.

I have waited to say this phrase for weeks . . .

"It's what I do."

"Dr. Kenneth"


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 2 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

KissandTales,

You are right, my highly-talented colleague in the "Medicinal Arts of Literary Sciences."

I appreciate you very much.


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 2 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Pawpawwrites,

You are a blessed man. Honestly. But if you need it, I wil write you a hub about "How to Not Get a Physical," and next year, you can save money and just read my hub.

Deal?


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 2 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

DealForaLiving,

Yeah. For kicks. LOL.

I see a doctor every three months for pain shots in my back and I will preach to myself an keep my ears open for Tarzan yells and chimp calls when I visit him in October.

LOL. I love you all.


vkwok profile image

vkwok 2 years ago from Hawaii

I'll be sure to watch out for those signs! Thumbs up to an awesome hub!


ChitrangadaSharan profile image

ChitrangadaSharan 2 years ago from New Delhi, India

Very nice and interesting hub! You conveyed an important message in a lighter way. Well done.

Enjoyed the read!


misterhollywood profile image

misterhollywood 2 years ago from Hollywood, CA

Well written and fun hub with useful messages. I'm voting up!


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 2 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

misterhollywood,

Thank you, frined, for the nice comment and vote. Just wanted to help someone else down the road of medicine.


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 2 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

ChitrangadaSharan,

Thank you, kind friend, for the sweet and supportive comment. I will always be appreciative to you.

Peace.


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 2 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Hi, vkwok,

Thank you so very, very much for your comment. I am so humbled by your comment and those on this piece.

You are the BEST Followers one could ever ask for.


ClassyGals profile image

ClassyGals 2 years ago from Pittsburgh

It is frightening how many physicians are unqualified to treat our seriously ill population. I took my elderly mom to the dr. the other day and this woman looked to be 12 yrs. old, honestly. When I asked her if she was indeed a doctor, she replied yes, I'm an intern and am a doctor. She had trouble understanding mom's problem after she explained it 3 times and fumbled around trying to perform tests on her legs. Hmm, I replied politely that I would like my mom to see a more experienced doctor at the VA hospital. Fortunately, she did.


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 2 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

ClassyGals,

Thank God that you got your mom out of there. 12 year old? My word. What has the civilized world coming to? When I was growing up, I visualized a doctor, teacher, and preacher as a grown-up man and adult, and women too. Not kids or teeny boppers popping gum and twirling their pigtails.

Love your comment. Thanks.

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