22 Things That Do Not Bother Me About Being Over-Weight

Carrie Wilson, happy with her weight

I hate to sound self-serving, self-absorbed because I am not either. Or at least I try not to be. After you read this piece I hope you will believe me.

This is not what you call a comedy rendering. I wish it were. This is my way of showing my sensitive side to my valued-followers and non-followers. And take my word, this is not easy for me, for anytime we confess something, one of two things happen: one, we feel relieved and two, the public knows a little bit more about us that they did not know yesterday.

I have since age 12, 1966, had what you call a “slight weight problem.” (Chris Farley reference). But back then, no one was really yakking about weight, overweight, and such matters. Seemingly, we all were happy the way we were.

Bud Abbott, left, Lou Costello, right, Costello never worried about his weight

Then as time went by, someone, somewhere in Southern California, I believe, started a self-awareness movement about America’s overweight issues and how this problem was killing us softly, which has nothing to do with the hit tune by songstress, Roberta Flack.

Since the day that the “Caloric Creature from The Unknown,” reared its sunken face, billions were, and still being spent on do-it-yourself diets, fad diets, liquid diets, all-protein diets, water only diets, the once-famous, “What Did Jesus Eat, Diet,” no protein diets, diet pills, meditation diets, books by the ton as well as work-out tapes (made famous by “Hanoi” Jane Fonda and Richard Simmons), and forming secret groups of people who act as if they are in A.A. when it comes to eating an extra doughnut the morning of the meeting. This attention that is given to weight, or the loss thereof, is not a passing fad anymore, it’s an obsession.

If these same weight-obsessed throngs were this concerned about cancer, abuse—wife, child, and animal, family and neighborhood violence, just maybe we could have a more-peaceable country. It’s all about our mindsets.

"This" is something to be concerned about

The obsession about weight, yes, this all happened in America, the Free. Not that this is a civil liberties lecture, but America really isn’t free for people such as myself, the overweight, for in some places my wife and I go, there they are, the “Diet Police,” with their squinty little eyes looking me up and down like I was a blue ribbon-winning hog in the Annual State Fair in Kansas. I confess to you another thing: this unwanted, annoying “inspections,” of me without my permission, got old pretty quick. And even in 2014, it’s still old, and not getting any younger.

I am not going to apologize to you or anyone for my extra poundage. I would if you asked, sure. But I have tried most of the diets I mentioned and failed. I even took a very-popular diet capsule everyday for one year with a glass of water and lost 81 pounds—and in the process, wrecked my nerves for life.

I told you this was not a comedy piece.

Alec Baldwin, not worried about calories

Now that I am, by the grace of God Jehovah, at age 60, I do not diet anymore. For any reason. Fact is, I am happy with me. Very happy. My wife and grandkids are happy with me being me. When I was on that deadly one-capsule-a-day diet back in the 80’s, my wife almost divorced me. And thank God we never had our three lovely grandkids back then. And if we did, they would have hated me on the spot. I know what I am talking about.

In the past few weeks I have sat down and accomplished some serious thinking. And counting-up on how many things that don’t bother me about my weight.

So it is with great pleasure, and relief of soul, I present . . .

“22 Things That Do Not Bother Me About Being Overweight”

Girls like this DO NOT chase me

ESPN's Chris Berman is as famous as any slim sportscaster

Arte Lange, of Mad TV, makes a great living without being slim

More Overweight People Whom America Loved . . .

The late, Jackie Gleason, actor, comedian
The late, Chris Farley, SNL, film star
The late, John Belushi, SNL, film star
Curly Howard of The Three Stooges
The late, Bob Keeshan, Capt. Kangaroo
Shrek, the gentle ogre cartoon character
Porky Pig, Warner Bros. cartoon character
Robert Conrad, starred on "Cannon," on CBS
Alfred Hitchcock, famed witer, producer, director
The late, Andre, The Giant, famous pro wrestler
The late, King Kong Bundy, pro wrestler
Dan Blocker, "Hoss," Cartwright," on Bonanza
The late, Totie Fields, female comedianne from Ed Sullivan Show
The late, Pat Buttram, film and televison star
Kevin James, "Doug Heffernan," of King of Queens
Billy Gardell, "Mike Briggs," Mike and Molly
Melissa McCarthy, "Molly Flynn," Mike and Molly
The late, Victor Buono, dramatic actor, King Tut, on ABC Batman series
Lou Costello, of Abbott and Costello
Kirstie Alley, Cheers, Jenny Craig spokeswoman
Aretha Franklin, famous singer
Queen Latifah, actress, singer
John Goodman, actor
John Candy, comedian, actor
William Frawley, "Fred Mertz," of I Love Lucy
Wayne Knight, "Newman," of Seinfield fame
Marlon Brando
David Ogden Steirs, "Winchester," on M * A * S * H

Source: Me, Kenneth Avery

Myths About Overweight People Debunked

All overweight people are NOT jolly. "We" get weary of loud-mouths asking, "are you gonna get any bigger?"
All overweight people do NOT have a thyroid problem.
All overweight people are NOT ignorant, as some are treated by the slim, healthy society we live in.
All overweight people are that way, but not by choice. (In my case, I have to take a certain number of medications, once every
morning and once at night. Some of my medications are steroids. My being overweight is, I assure you, NOT from
over-eating. I only eat a light breakfast and a light dinner. NO lunch or snacks.
All overweight people DO care how we are perceived by the super-healthy members of the human race.
The Teddy Bear is NOT the favorite pet of all overweight people.
Nick names, although not meant in a harmful way, "Big Un," "Fats," "Tons o' Fun," do more harm than good to us.


Source: author, Kenneth Avery

22. With my size, I strike fear into smart alec slim people in shopping malls.

21. If I ever were to be in a fist-fight, all I would have to do is sit on my adversary.

20. I need no special costume to play Santa.

19. I can even play “The Giant Pumpkin,” at Halloween.

18. If I wanted, “I” could pass for one of the balloons in the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade. I cannot lie. That is an exaggeration. I could look like a famous balloon if I chose to.

17. People could use me for a flotation device to rescue people who do not know how to swim.

16. The big and tall stores for men are kept in business by men like me thus helping our national economy.

15. I am the most-popular guy in my hometown each homecoming season for the cute cheerleaders begging me to be a float for the homecoming parade.

14. Waitresses used to say, “table for two,” when I would dine alone in restaurants. Now this just makes me laugh.

13. In the icy winter-time, I am called upon to stand on the bumper of cars that are stuck in ice and need extra weight to drive away.

12. When people refer to me as “Porky,” I laugh, then do my swine squeal and go about my business.

10. When my preacher’s sermon is about gluttony, I just smile because I am not a glutton. I am simply overweight.

9. Sitting in the very back of walk-in theaters does not bother me in the least.

8. When I go swimming and feeling mischievous, I yell, “cannon ball,” and no matter how many people are in the pool, they are gone at the speed of light.

7. If I wanted to make extra bucks, I could rent space on my back.

6. People can stand in my shadow in the summer when the temperature hits 100 and stay cool.

5. GoodYear is still begging me to let them rent me to cover the Super Bowl.

4. I make Curly Howard of the Three Stooges look like he is on a hunger strike.

3. People in restaurants stop eating just to watch me down a hamburger. I think this is my life’s calling.

2. A few buddies and I were talking about college football last week and I remarked, “That Alabama Crimson Tide sure has a great offensive line,” and one of my buds replied, “Ken, “you” could be their offensive line.”

1. The State of Alabama Highway Department use me as a highway detour sign when they are working on a stretch of road.

Coming soon . . .”Why I Would Have Stunk at Being a Cowboy" (or is it Cow-person?)

I am using an old photo of myself so you cannot see the "2014 Version of Me"

Myths About Overweight People Debunked

All overweight people are NOT jolly. "We" get weary of loud-mouths asking, "are you gonna get any bigger?"
All overweight people do NOT have a thyroid problem.
All overweight people are NOT ignorant, as some are treated by the slim, healthy society we live in.
All overweight people are that way, but not by choice. (In my case, I have to take a certain number of medications, once every
morning and once at night. Some of my medications are steroids. My being overweight is, I assure you, NOT from
over-eating. I only eat a light breakfast and a light dinner. NO lunch or snacks.
All overweight people DO care how we are perceived by the super-healthy members of the human race.
The Teddy Bear is NOT the favorite pet of all overweight people.
Nick names, although not meant in a harmful way, "Big Un," "Fats," "Tons o' Fun," do more harm than good to us.


Source: author, Kenneth Avery

More by this Author


Comments 18 comments

carrie Lee Night profile image

carrie Lee Night 2 years ago from Northeast United States

I voted this one funny, useful, and awesome :). Thank you for putting yourself out there and being proud who you are :). My favorite was the cannon ball. ( with great respect :). Have a great week and keep smiling.


Elsie Hagley profile image

Elsie Hagley 2 years ago from New Zealand

I voted this one as awesome, I admire you for being yourself. Keep smiling.


Jodah profile image

Jodah 2 years ago from Queensland Australia

Another great hub by you Kenneth..both sensitive and funny. Got to be able to laugh at yourself otherwise life gets you down :) Voted up.


Brie Hoffman profile image

Brie Hoffman 2 years ago from Manhattan

I have had a weight problem all my life as well. Right now I'm trying to lose weight and have lost 4 pounds this week. It's so hard, thanks for the uplifting article.


PAINTDRIPS profile image

PAINTDRIPS 2 years ago from Fresno CA

Good job. I could add a few comments too. Sounds like we were on some of the same fad diets! Haha.


Kate Mc Bride profile image

Kate Mc Bride 2 years ago from Donegal Ireland

A great hub here Kenneth with a lot of common sense. I particularly like your reference to the fact that people care more about weight than other bigger issues-that is so true.


sheilamyers 2 years ago

I love the point you made about the great things that could get accomplished if people would stop thinking so much about overweight people and developing diets and so forth and put all of that brain power to work on things like finding a cure for cancer. The only time I think people should lose weight is if the excess weight is adversely affecting their health in other ways. Then, instead of fad diets and pills, they should consult a very good nutritionist.


CatherineGiordano profile image

CatherineGiordano 2 years ago from Orlando Florida

I never thought about asking a big guy to stand on my car bumper. Now, I live in Orlando Florida, not much use for that here. Maybe I could hang on to a big guy if I am caught out in a hurricane. Make that #23.


Dana Tate profile image

Dana Tate 2 years ago from LOS ANGELES

Another great hub! Personally I always liked my men on the thick side; probably because I love to cook. We do obsess about weight a little too much in this world and it shouldn't be a problem as long as the person is healthy.


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 2 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Hi, carrie,

Thank you so very much for your sweet and caring comment.

Me? I had much rather laugh at me than someone else. And some of the fad diets I have seen come and go are much funnier than I ever dreamed.

Someday we might have "The Snap Your Fingers And Lose 30 Pounds" Diet. But by that time, I will not be here.

Rats.


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 2 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Hey, Jodah,

Thank you kindly for your very friendly remarks. I appreciate your views, friendship and talent.

God bless you richly.


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 2 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Elsie,

You are very welcome for me being me. LOL. I thought it would be nice to be me for a change. It was sorta nice.

Thanks for your sweet comment.


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 2 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Brie,

Congratulations to you, my Dear Friend. I mean that. I am proud of you and that is meant also.

I wish I had your determination and will to lose weight, but for me, it would be a lost war with the steroids I have to get shot into my back evey three months at a pain clinic and the med's I take every morning and night.

So you continue in the great success you are having.

Thanks for the sweet comment.


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 2 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Hey, PAINTDRIPS,

Thank you so much for taking time to remark on this hub. I appreciate it very, very much.

I also cherish you as a follower too. I cherish all of my followers. I have the BEST Followers of any hubber on HP.

God bless you.


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 2 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Hi, Kate,

Thank you so very much for the kind remarks. I do appreciate them so very much. Common sense would go a long way for the way our society thinks today.

I have been told that an overweight person in Southern California is considered a leper. That is so sad to judge someone on how they look or weigh.

Thank you for being such a great friend.


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 2 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Hi, sheilamyers,

I have to agree with you on what you said about people using their brain power to work on things that are important and not on trival things as fad diets.

I truly think that fad diets are nothing more than having status in society. Something I never cared for.

I am what I am by the grace of God. That's it.

I appreciate you stopping by.


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 2 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Hi, Catherine,

#23 - a fat guy to stand on a car bumper. LOL. That is a good line. But you live in Florida, so what if you get your car stuck in sand? This big man would come in handy, right?

Something to think about.

And thank you so much for the comment.


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 2 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Dana,

You are so honest and sweet to say that about liking a man rather thick. That is what I am going to start saying about myself instead of being overweight. "Hey, Bob. I am not overweight. I am just thick." That even sounds better.

God bless you, sweet friend for helping my self-esteem.

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