468 To Be Reborn a Writer?

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After My Mother’s Death…

I have one last hub before I will have completed 468 hubs in a little over six months. You may wondered why I have written so much in such a little time span. Perhaps now is the time to reveal why if I can.

After my Mother died I was exhausted and depleted. I had worked so desperately hard to save her life and I lost her. Despite all of my biochemical schemes to trick her body into persisting, I had not cured her cancer. Two years of my life doing cancer research and studying oncology to care for my Mother and I lost her. And it was a very bad death.

I hadn’t socialized or seen people for years. I would see people once every three months but I basically was not allowed to tell anyone my Mother had cancer. A secret is a secret in my home. We keep secrets very well and I would have never betrayed my Mother’s confidence. I was shattered; I hadn’t managed to get my Mother the Hospice care. I wanted her to have a dignified death but there is no dignity in death. I had given so much of myself to this silent cancer fight I no longer really spoke to anyone besides my son. Even in the end my Mother didn’t want to speak. And so silence filled our home for the weeks and months preceding her death with the exception of my family placing undue social demands on us and contributing nothing.

So when my Mother died I stopped speaking altogether. I had very little to say to anyone. I no longer knew how to carry on a conversation. My memory was completely shot. I would have to make lists just to remember simple things. I didn’t even tell my friends that my Mother died. They had to read it in the paper. When asked why I didn’t call them I simply said, “She is gone and there is nothing you can do.”. I hadn’t realized how the buzzards would descend immediately upon my son and myself right after my Mother’s death taking everything they could from us. We had to let it all go. We basically left with only the clothes on our back. And I will never speak to any of them, my family, again because they did this to my child.

So I had to start our lives over. I didn’t know how to so I began writing on hubpages. I put one foot in front of the other, made my lists, cared for my son and just continued.

No one realized they couldn’t hurt me that I was in so much pain from the death of my Mother there was really nothing anyone else could do to hurt me. And the pain my son was in was awful. So I tabled my own grief and worked on him. I put him in swim lessons and he enjoyed swimming much of the Summer. We will go back when it warms up. I started rebuilding my son’s life first and then I wrote on hubpages. I didn’t have high expectations which is probably why I am not discouraged six months later.

I Wrote to This Music When I Began

My First Hubs

A lot of them were short and gritty but it was the beginning of trying to open myself up to other people. And the hubs served a dual purpose as my family didn’t want my Autistic son to attend the funeral we were not invited. I write under my Mother’s name so she will live forever on the Internet. It is a living memorial to her. I am published but I have other pseudonyms and I had editors more importantly which I desperately acknowledge I still need. I also have other works published in my name. But this entire persona is my Mother’s living memorial so I have worked hard to build it for her. It took me six months and I feel like I have honored her appropriately. My hubs have improved over time as I have begun to recover.

Part of the problem with my hubs is I read very quickly and I type almost as fast as I read. So a lot of it is typos but I would be lying if I didn’t admit I have done this all while grieving, caring for my son who is grieving, run a medical hospital in my home and home schooling. There isn’t a moment that my son and I have been apart in the past three years. He is always right next to me while I type. He interrupts me quite frequently and sometimes I have a hard time returning to my train of thought.

So in the beginning my hubs were short and gritty and now they are bit better. Never having a moment to myself also interferes with my ability to write well but I would never part with my son.

Was It A Goal?

No 468 was not a goal I had ever set for myself. I didn’t think I would last a month on hubpages. I never thought I would see the 468 hubs in a six month time frame. But I should be clear. I have not done any of the back linking required or the SEO required to increase my hub scores. I need to learn a lot of the technical aspects of hubbing.

And I wouldn’t recommend most people start their life over as a hubpage’s author while grieving. Those critics can sting and you can sting back while grieving. I just had to do something because I felt so empty and depleted. I was completely exhausted and I thought if I rested I would die. That was how tired I was and to some degree I still am tired a lot.

My reasoning behind this was if I, a completely depleted person, could work and keep working despite all the insurmountable odds against my success that I would at least prove to myself, if no one else, I could contribute.

So when you are completely depleted and have absolutely nothing or are working in negatives as I am still give. There is merit in this act and it is healing.

The Opportunities Hubpages Has Afforded Me

Well it took me quite a few months on hubpages before I could even mention my Mother was dead. And when I opened up about that I had some offers. Some which would have liberated me of cash and some of which I was unable to accept because of my son. I guess that when you have someone close to you die everyone thinks you are an easy mark. I appreciate that and have remedied it.

But I have also had genuine acts of kindness and I have made genuine friends on HP. These people I have regular interactions with and they have helped reteach me socialization. They allowed me to cry a bit about this great loss in my life.

I have been able to document my recovery on hubpages which is important to me so I can look back in time and see I made it through this.

So I have had other offers, some of which I may explore and some of which I may not.

What I have become, unintentionally, is my own brand. Although this hub is a memorial to my Mother it is my brand. And I have a certain following because I am a very diverse writer. Although I will readily admit I am an exceptionally poor speller, I am not good at grammar and I make very common writing errors.

The world is filled with so many wonderful people. I have had so many great people follow me through what I consider some of the darkest hours of my life. Honestly I don’t know where I would be without this experience. It has been a first step towards recovery. I am becoming a whole person again.

Hubber’s Holiday

I am finally going to try and stop hubbing now for a while. I will still read other authors' articles, rate, comment and vote up. If you follow me you know I periodically go through and read everyone’s work and then comment and rate. If you know me well I have probably already read everything you have written. I need to take some time to be with my son as this holiday season will be particularly difficult for him. I may publish from time to time but it will not be anything close to what you have recently witnessed. I am taking this break now so I can be prepared to cover the GOP primary.

In Closing

Thank you all for bringing me through a difficult time. I wasn’t certain we would make. But I can see that I and my son do have a future and it is a new beginning for both of us. I would have preferred to recover in 100 hubs or 200 hubs but it wasn’t that easy for me. It took 468 to start my life over. Thanks for reading, following, supporting and helping me. Please join me in celebrating the new beginning of my life as a writer when I return.

The Laws of the Universe

Update

In a few months it will be three years since my Mother's death. I have spent most of it in court. I have written a lot of hubs, conducted research and have found a treatment for autism which I have presented to the State of Florida, I have made a lot of friends who I dearly love, I fell in love with a foreigner, and I have diligently work within my community to keep a murder behind bars.

I have even gotten to the point I no longer feel guilty when I laugh with my friends. My son who has autism is great and taller than I am at the tender age of thirteen.

I don't think I will ever truly stop missing my Mother but we have made it through the roughest patch. For anyone enduring similar circumstances you will survive it. It will not be easy but you will make it because I seed my strength to all those who grieve a loss whether it be of a mother! a child! a lover or a dream. I yield my strength to you. The universe is speaking to you too. Listen and be emboldened to have the courage to let go of your fears, doubts, and suffering.

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Comments 14 comments

brittanytodd profile image

brittanytodd 5 years ago from Kailua-Kona, Hawaii

Wow. I am speechless. It was so nice to hear about your life. You really accomplished something great on this site and I'm glad to be a follower! I wish the best of luck for you in the future. -Brittany


marriedwithdebt profile image

marriedwithdebt 5 years ago from Illinois

This is very moving. Thanks for sharing. I just started following you so I'll have to explore your back catalog, as they say.


Fennelseed profile image

Fennelseed 5 years ago from Australia

Congratulations JT, on your 468th hub, on the turning point towards the rest of your life, on surviving and growing from terrible trauma and having the courage to tell your story to help and inspire others, on your devotion to your dear mother and to your cherished son and on becoming an awesome writer in the process. Your amazing story is full of courage and devotion and your mother must be so proud to have her name put to all your work.

I am so glad that hubpages has provided a release for your pain and a place to grow.

Your journey has been a long and painful one and I feel for you and relate to where you have been, especially with your grief and your need to withdraw from society. From the deepest despair you have gained incredible strength. You are an inspiration and I thank you and look forward to reading lots more from you.

Enjoy your break and savour time spent with your beautiful son.


Just Ask Susan profile image

Just Ask Susan 5 years ago from Ontario, Canada

I just left a comment on 3 Years of HubPages work and now I understand why you threw yourself into your writing. I am so sorry for your loss and I hope that you enjoy the time you are taking off with your son. Have a Wonderful Holiday.


JT Walters profile image

JT Walters 5 years ago from Florida Author

Hello JustAskSusan,

I am often told not to reveal things about myself in my hubs but I wanted veryone to know how key they were to helping me survive. How much they have helped me reorganize myself and find the courage to re-enter society once again. And this month I have begun interacting and socializing with people again. And I am very grateful to hubpages and all the hubpage's members and everyone who walked this journey with me.

Thank all of you.

JT


JT Walters profile image

JT Walters 5 years ago from Florida Author

Hi Brittany,

Thank you and I forced myself to given when I thought I was completely depleted. I literally wrote my way back. All of my follower should be commended for their patient endurance.

You have witnessed how I managed my grief through writing and I am following you now as well and look forward to reading your work this month.

JT


JT Walters profile image

JT Walters 5 years ago from Florida Author

Hi marriedwithdebt,

I follow you as well. So I wil look forward to our interactions in my next life as a writer.

JT


JT Walters profile image

JT Walters 5 years ago from Florida Author

Fennelseed,

Thank you so much. But I am inspired by all of my fellow hubbers. They have given me the strength to continue. And they have taught me how to reintegreate into the world.

It is my Mother's living memorial. Funny thing is she would think all these things and tell me her opinions in life but she was always to afraid to voice them for fear of being rejected. I use to tell her, "your ideas aren't reasons for you to be rejected." Her prespective made her uniquely her. I loved her perspective. I wish she had the courage in life to share her perspective so she could receive the unconditional love she so deseperatley needed. People would have loved her. She had so much fire.

So a lot of what I write would have been how she would have viewed the world and I am hoping in her death she feels the love and acceptance she didn't receive in her life. That's what this has been all about for the last six months.

All of you are my inspiration whether you have realized it or not every comemnt has moved me closer towards surviving this trauma and helped me be a better human being. Now I am being reborn as a writer.

And I have to make several decisions like do I submit for publications which I have many books I haven't been able to get read at publishing houses or do I publish for free online. These are just two of the opportunities that have been presented to me. But I need to clear my head, spend time with my son and make my best decision. I will of course still follow everyone else's work and reply to comments but it is time for that needed break.

Thank you my friend and my heart is with you through this Holiday Season.

JT


homesteadbound profile image

homesteadbound 5 years ago from Texas

JT - What a touching story. I am so sorry for your loss. I am so glad that brittanytodd featured you in her hub. Now it makes sense why you were publishing so much work. I was constantly amazed at how you were able to get the work out. I am even more amazed now. I am glad that you have found some healing. And I am glad that you have your son. I hope the both of you have a very blessed holiday. Blessings to you.


JT Walters profile image

JT Walters 5 years ago from Florida Author

Thanks Homesteadbound,

All of my hub friends have been so generous. I am so grateful. It was such an internal process and now that it has been almost a year since my Mother's death, I thought it was important for everyone to know that I was writing because I thought was depleted. And writing was my way of finding my way back. And in finding my way back. I found a new beginning.

I have been a big fan of yours for a very long time homesteadbound and I look forward to sharing my new beginning with you.

Happy Holidays.

JY


homesteadbound profile image

homesteadbound 5 years ago from Texas

JT - have you shared the significance of 468 and I have missed it somewhere. Just curious.


JT Walters profile image

JT Walters 5 years ago from Florida Author

Good Morning Homesteadbound,

It was easy to miss as it was in another hub. The one about completing 3 years of work in 6 months. The average hubber writes 3 hubs per week which is total of 156 per year. If you 157x 3 it equals 468. And it took 468 hubs to be three years away from my Mother's passing.

And that is very typical that it take 1-3 years to get over your grief when someone you were close with death. While I am not fully recovered I have managed to put three years worth of hub work out there in in six months but only for my own recovery. Not as a race against anyone. Actually not a race at all but more like sending good will through the internet to make others' lives happier like I would like my own to be.

Thanks for allowing me to explain myself.

All My Best,

Jt


homesteadbound profile image

homesteadbound 5 years ago from Texas

That makes sense, and thank you. Your attitude is truly inspiring - willing to help others in your greatest time of need.

Here is wishing you and your son the warmest Christmas ever, filled with more peace, love and good cheer than you could have imagined.


JT Walters profile image

JT Walters 5 years ago from Florida Author

Hello Homesteadbound,

When reading your reply it was so kind I almost cried. I knew in my own grief that happiness was impossible so I tried to give it to others. But my hub serves as a living memorial to my Mother as I write in her name.

Thank you Homesteadbound. A friend dropped off some of her extra Christmas decroations so we will start decorating this weekend.

Thank you homesteadbound.

JT

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