5 Signs You're PMSing

If you're male, or even a youngish female, the words Premenstrual Syndrome probably mean little more than a joke to you. Indeed, as a teenager, I myself thought PMS was a fictitious condition, used by women whenever they wanted to get away with a temper tantrum. I am in my early 30s now, and have since learned the truth: PMS is real, and 99.9% of women 30 and over are reduced to psychotic bunny boilers a week or so before Aunt Flo comes to visit. If you're wondering what it feels like to go mental once a month for no apparent reason, let me share a few tips that will help you recognize the syndrome in all of its glory.

1. Out of stock items are grounds for hysteria.

Example: You pop down to the local grocery store to purchase one metric tonne of chocolate (you'll consume all of it in one go, naturally) and discover an empty shelf where your choco fix ought to be. A normal person would shrug and choose an alternate bit of candy; but not you. Noooo. Disappointment turns to rage, which then quickly morphs into full-on depression, bottom lip quivering as tears threaten to spill down your cheeks. How could the store manager do this to you? Doesn't he care? Why doesn't anybody care about you anymore?? *sniff, sniff*

2. One pimple ruins your love life for several days.

Nevermind the fact that you're 35 and average 1 pimple per year; that one pimple that manages to coincide with that day or so before Aunt Flo visits convinces you that you're the most hideous beast in God's creation. Which, of course, prompts you to say as much to your significant other, who gives you a big hug and kiss, following it up with a heartfelt declaration of your infinite beauty. At which point, your evil twin surfaces and tells him to stop being a jerk -- and then sends him straight to the couch until further notice. He deserves it, after all; no one calls you beautiful when you feel ugly and gets away with it!

3. You feel like you're about to give birth to that thing from Alien.

There ain't no pain like that which you get just before, or during the first day or so, of Aunt Flo's visitation. The degree of pain is certainly varied by factors such as weight, age and stress -- but I've yet to have a pain-free menstrual cycle, and I'd just like to take a moment to lodge a complaint with God, if I may:

Dear God... WTF??

4. Even a nun could spark your ire.

Example: You're in a hurry, and you're late (as usual). You get to the subway just as the train pulls in, and you have 3 seconds to get down to the platform - which would actually be plenty of time, if there wasn't a nun blocking the escalator due to her not knowing that she ought to be standing on the right. You could ask her to move, politely, but who has time for that kind of socially acceptable behavior? It's much easier to holler that she'd better move, or she'll be meeting Jesus a lot earlier than planned.

5. Your man asks if you if you're PMSing.

Much as we hate to admit this, the men in our lives tend to know when we are PMSing before we do. Yes, they tend to bring it up in the dumbest way imaginable, leading us to deny the facts as vehemently as possible, but that doesn't mean they're wrong. I mean, come on... you're crying over chocolate and stomping your feet over spilled milk... even your goldfish can tell that you're PMSing!

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