Letting Go of My Narcissistic Sweetheart - A Choice Between Love, Hope and Sanity

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Not Meant to Be

The ingredients were all there, a romantic story evolved from one page to the other, future plans were made and destiny brought us together.

I've written many Hubs on my romantic, passionate and intense relationship with the man I never really got to know. Poems, advice for women and men, how to last in a long distance relationship and how to avoid turning into a nagging wife.

Maintaining a long distance relationship is not easy but with Skype, messenger, whatsapp and Facebook, there are many ways to get in touch with your loved one.

Other than that you can send gifts by mail and you can write old fashioned postcards with loving words, to make your sweetheart remember you and the amount of love you feel for him. To let him know you miss him dearly for not being close to you, longing for his touch while going through the motions of the days.

show route and directions
A markerValencia, Spain -
Valencia, Spanje
[get directions]

B markerUbatuba, Brasil -
Ubatuba - São Paulo, Brazilië
[get directions]

Only 5 Weeks in 1 Year

When we just hit our two year anniversary I tried calling him several times without him answering the phone. Then I finally heard his voice. A superficial conversation followed, congratulations back and forth, little enthusiasm, something felt wrong.

When I look at the facts, he and I have been living apart from each other the last year. Only in summer we've spend a total of 5 weeks together which was an amazing time after not having touched each other for 8 months.

An explosion of emotions followed, we enjoyed every second of it and one day before going back to Spain, he proposed! I said yes, thinking I would go back to Brazil before Christmas, to settle down and start my life all over but things changed out of the blue.

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Where's the Empathy?

One month after coming back to Valencia, I got bad news. I would lose my financial independency when moving to Brazil. Sudden changes made our financial future very insecure. That was no option nor was it possible for him to come back to Spain for the lack of jobs.

After the news I noticed a gradual change from being available online and picking up the phone to being unavailable, pushing away my calls and keeping me in the dark for whenever he was going to Skype me again. This went on for about 6 weeks or so.

His reasons for not being available varied from being busy at work, to being tired, meanwhile having me wondering about one simple question. "What happened with that guy I met in Valencia, being crazy about me, wanting me to share my life with him, now seemingly oblivious to any suffering on my part? How come he didn't care?"

Empathy makes a partner understand your feelings of loneliness. Real love is superior to anything. To the long distance, changed plans and the fear of having to start all over again in Spain. That is what he had to do. To come back or to speak up and say: "I'd rather stay in Brazil...I'm scared"

On top of being unavailable, I experienced a hostile form of silent treatment. It made me write one of my best poems. Bursting in Silence and Alone no more. Then the inevitable happened and all my questions got answered in a second.

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When My Heart Sank

In the midst of my hopelessness, I was scrolling through Hubpages, reading and commenting on various Hubs. My eyes caught the title:

Narcissism: Recognizing, Coping With, and Treating It

An excellent, detailed and interesting Hub about a topic I knew very little of. With every new sentence, my heart skipped a beat. Jellygator seemed to have written this Hub entirely for me!

I took a look at the full documentary of 45 minutes, he had added to this Hub and the only thing I felt was an amazing amount of recognition. Recognition and fear because I didn't want to believe at all what I read. Did I fell in love with someone who appeared to have too many symptoms of NPD?

It's not just how someone could develop Narcissistic Personality Disorder that could apply very easily to my sweetheart's past and upbringing but it was something else that knocked me completely of my feet.

Partners of people with NPD have no clue when they engage in a relationship with someone like this, simply because they won't recognize the symptoms. They will feel confused many times, thinking it's their fault when things go wrong and they won't recognize the manipulating side of NPD. I've always said: "No one is perfect. Everyone has it's mood swings or negative characteristics and besides I'm not an easy ride either."

Yet, I couldn't ignore what I was reading while getting the message loud and clear. Or you accept your partner with NPD, his lack of empathy and the fact that there is no cure, or you get out as soon as possible. Preferably before getting married!

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On To the Next Travel...

I asked him one more time if he would be online sometime soon. I really needed to talk to him. He gave me the same answer. He wasn't sure but at least he messaged me back this time.

Now before any of you might think I decided to break of my engagement, based on a Hub I read, diagnosing my future husband without him knowing, I have to reassure you....that is not the case. I'm not a doctor but I looked at the facts and the mental state I was in while getting to the point of losing myself in that lonely place, when you feel your heart has been broken...again.

A few facts out of many:

- When you love someone you pick up the phone or call her back
- When you care for someone, you find the time to Skype even when you're busy
- When you miss someone, you want to hear her voice, send her messages and reassure her nothing's wrong
- When you respect someone, you don't change your status to single on Facebook without your future wife knowing
- When you want to spend your life with someone, you don't just text back after breaking up: Take care, be happy and thanks for everything.

Unfortunately my relationship went in the wrong direction, the distance made it complicated and the article on NPD opened my eyes to the possibility of continuing my life as a free woman again.

Single is what they call our group. Yak! I don't really like that word. It reminds me of the typical single woman who's desperately seeking for someone who could fill up that lonely spot on her sofa and warm her heart or anything else.

I'm fonder of the word, independent traveller because I know someone else is going to cross my path in life. Destiny has a way of sneaking up on you and you will never know when, how and where.

For having written a third part of my Hubs on my last romantic travel, I'm gonna keep those Hubs online, add a little update and continue my journey, for I don't look back with grieve or regrets. I am mostly very grateful for the memories we share.

Though I've had my heart broken many times, I'll never be able to give up on love, knowing time heals this painful wound, turning it into a soft scar, carefully hidden from the outside world, having this new cicatrice symbolizing a love that wasn't meant to be.

But now a new chapter has been born!

Moving on with a smile!
Moving on with a smile! | Source

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Comments 37 comments

lovedoctor926 4 years ago

Thank you for sharing your story with the rest of us. I think your hubs are awesome & interesting. I always learn something new from reading your articles.

Lack of empathy in a relationship is a real issue. It really makes it hard to love the other person especially when they're so cold, distant and unresponsive. Men for the most part are scared of intimacy and commitment and tend to push us away regardless of their feelings. I agree with your a few facts out of many. Men and their dumb excuses. My favorite one is the I'm too busy.. Honey, if you really want to speak to me, you find the time. There's another writer on my page who writes awesome articles on relationships and Narcissistic personality disorder. If you want to check her out, she writes under the pen name Wonderful1


sandrabusby profile image

sandrabusby 3 years ago from Tuscaloosa, Alabama, USA

Escobana, you are a real inspiration to all women who have difficulty finding a partner who is willing and/or able to encounter "the other" in a true relationship. You have a wonderful life ahead of you if you just continue to follow your own heart and stay on the journey. Voted up and awesome.


Escobana profile image

Escobana 3 years ago from Valencia Author

Dear Sandra,

I hope I can reach out to those who've had their hearts broken, right before Christmas because life is an ongoing journey, full of emotional and interesting moments, even when we're not ready to move on.

I will follow my own heart and I thank you sincerely for your votes and lovely comment!


tlpoague profile image

tlpoague 3 years ago from USA

I have been out of touch with HP most of this summer, but have loved reading your hubs in the past. This last week I have spent trying to play catch up and recently came across a hub by RealHousewife that had some interesting information about personality disorders. It brought to mind how many people I knew that fell into this category. There was a time in my life where I was beat down by verbal accusations that everything was always my fault. Then one day I put my foot down and slowly started to remove these types of toxic people from my life. I remind them that while they were so eager to hand out flaws, they should busy themselves with looking at their own.

I feel better now for standing up for myself. It was a difficult path, but well worth it. I will be thinking about your travels and will keep you in my prayers. Maybe someday you will find a Mr. Right that will fit your needs and deserve your love.

Thank you for sharing your journeys!


Lipnancy profile image

Lipnancy 3 years ago from Hamburg, New York

Escobana, I am so sorry to hear this. I had really hoped that this was the right one for you.


Escobana profile image

Escobana 3 years ago from Valencia Author

That's a wonderful comment Tlpoague!

It really means a lot to me, you liked my Hubs before and I know all about being a stranger here as well. With heavy changes like these in my personal life, staying stable and sane next to it with my Bipolar obligations, I tend to stay away from any activity on Hubpages.

Too much to handle until I find the strength again to write a piece, release the tension and get on with my life:-)

The relief also comes with putting my foot down, standing up for myself and feeling confident about having taken the right step. There's no way I would go back if there was any chance and I will always step out of any relationship if I see trouble coming at this scale.

Even though it takes a while to be mentally ready and step out, I've done this more often and saved myself from unhealthy longterm relationships.

And yes, I do believe Mr. Right is there somewhere. I'll never lose confidence in that:-) Thank you for reading along my travels!


lovedoctor926 3 years ago

Hi Escobana,

Hope you're having a good weekend:) I hope everything works for you with your fiancée. just give him some time. Yeah, her articles are great!


lovedoctor926 3 years ago

works out


Escobana profile image

Escobana 3 years ago from Valencia Author

Dear Lipnancy....me too....unfortunately I was wrong....


Escobana profile image

Escobana 3 years ago from Valencia Author

Hey Lovedoctor:)

This wasn't the first time we broke up. A year ago it was because of similar situations but I decided to give him another chance.

My heart couldn't handle more broken promises.... but thanks very much for wishing 'us' something beautiful:)


Escobana profile image

Escobana 3 years ago from Valencia Author

Oh and thanks so much for the compliment on my articles! You're too kind! Have a great weekend too...I will for sure:)


dashingscorpio profile image

dashingscorpio 3 years ago

"5 weeks together which was an amazing time after not having touched each other for 8 months." That is the same as saying 5 weeks VS 32 weeks. I've know people that were together one weekend per quarter over the course of a year and they would say they've been dating for a year. However they would have only spent 8 days together. Calendar time versus (actual) time together can be misleading.

Most long distance relationships do not work. Then again most relationships period do not work.

The LDRs that work tend to be with couples that see each other (frequently) and have a "count down" timetable for when they'll no longer be living apart. Anything longer than a year is usually not good. An eight month drought of not being with one another is tough under any circumstances. The longer you are without someone the easier it is to use to being without them. He may have started seeing someone else. Either way I believe in the end everything happens for the best.

Your future lies ahead of you and not behind you! Best of luck!


Escobana profile image

Escobana 3 years ago from Valencia Author

Thanks Dashingcorpio:-)

I agree with you on all grounds and since I've been used to being without him, bouncing back from my infatuation is easier than I thought.

Of course I've been crying for days on end, felt lousy for weeks but I'm used to break-ups over the years, so I know bouncing back happens over time.

My future lays ahead with Christmas holidays on my own in Portugal, a new apartement in January and a fresh start in 2013. I'm looking forward to my single life and feel stronger day by day:-)


James-wolve profile image

James-wolve 3 years ago from Morocco

Dear friend,

Don't be discouraged. It's often the last key in the bunch that opens the lock.When one door closes another door opens; but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us.Chin up.Look forward.I know it s no easy to recover from it,to get over someone you've loved with all your heart and soul, but at the end of the day, always remember, that you're special and whatever happened, happened for the best.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jVKZXTJjAcU

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox hugs hugs hugs xoxoxoxoxoxox


Pamela Kinnaird W profile image

Pamela Kinnaird W 3 years ago from Maui and Arizona

Independent traveler is a very special and succinct title.

I, too, came across the excellent hub by Jellygator on narcissism awhile back and was amazed at the facts in it. I know someone dear to me who has lived with a narcissist for decades -- her husband. It's made her stronger, but not necessarily happier.

I'm happy for you that your cat will not have to travel to Brazil and I'm happy for what's-his-name's dog -- that he won't have to travel to Spain. But most of all, I'm happy for you that you can see the good in all of this and move on gratefully -- an independent traveler. And by the way, everything sandrabusby said in her comment: I second that. Be strong. Remember always there is no one just like YOU in all the world.


Escobana profile image

Escobana 3 years ago from Valencia Author

Dear James,

Thank you for the lovely song! Beautiful. And thank you for all of your loving words. It warms up my heart in the midst of saying goodbye to a great love and I'm sure everything happened for the best and with good reasons.

Warm Hugs to you from Valencia, Spain....


Escobana profile image

Escobana 3 years ago from Valencia Author

Thank you so much Pamela:-)

I guess it's not so easy to leave a narcissist when you're married to him. In the case of your friend....I guess this is what I saw coming. An unhappy life even though I would be loving him.

I am also happy for my cats and his dog:-) And I'm even happier now because I found myself a new apartment! My cats will have more space, I can close a chapter a little easier for moving out of the home we used to share and mentally I can start over and create my own life again.

I feel stronger day by day, at ease with my decision and I will continue my travel through life with a shining smile on my face...

Blessings to you my friend and thanks for the heartfelt comment!


ImKarn23 profile image

ImKarn23 3 years ago

i am so, sooo sad for you my friend - but - your relationship did NOT go in the 'wrong direction'..it went exactly where it had to go..

You should thank your lucky stars right here and now that you're a smart cookie and not only recognized the red flags, but - acted upon them! Bravo to you, it's not easy!!!

I read the article you speak of and agree it is phenomenal. narcissism is close to my heart - i just wrote a little poem called 'Daddy Dearest...' - i'm sure you get where i;m going with this..lol..

Anyway, my friend - you know in your head that this was the only right thing to do - unless you wanted a lifetime of coldness and doing things his way - and STILL not good enough, no doubt..

narcissists can and are some of the most charming men - the sexiest men- in the world...it's the yin/yang of what they are - it's their hook for catching some of the smartest and most beautiful women in the world - and turning them into insecure puddles..

sigh..i'm here if you need to talk..xx


jellygator profile image

jellygator 3 years ago from USA

It's encouraging to hear that you're doing so well since making the difficult but wise decision to leave. Bravo!


Escobana profile image

Escobana 3 years ago from Valencia Author

My friend Imkarn! So good to see you here!

I've been hiding a little low on Hubpages with all the turmoil in life at the moment, but it's so wonderful to read your comments!

He WAS the most charming man, the most sexy man and he DID caught a smart and beautiful woman, to turn me into an insecure puddle....Those words say it all!

For being smart enough it did took me a lot of power and convincing myself, to get out. Damm it wasn't easy but Lord oh Lord I can't be happier for having done the right thing.

Sadly enough I never heard from him again...This confirms his coldness to me but it leaves me in utter shock as well. How can someone be so black and white? So ying and yang this way?

Narcissists, drugaddicts, alcoholics, criminals and any guy with serious issues...I've been with all of them and I can only say...This last one made my "Next-list" a little more complete:-)

Thanks for the encouraging words love! This girls is bouncing back in no time:-) XXX


Escobana profile image

Escobana 3 years ago from Valencia Author

Thanks for stopping by Jellygator:-)

I tend to bounce back and feel strong in a short amount of time because I allow myself to feel extremely lousy and sad for 2 whole weeks.

I cry my eyes out, I let myself go, I share my pain with dear friends around me until I've had enough of feeling sorry for myself. Until I can say....I'm not going to waiste more tears on you! I've suffered enough and now I'll move on.

Next to that I've broken up serious relationships for about 8 times now and I know from experience it always gets better!

In only one occasion I grieved for about two years, got depressed over it and found it hard to move on. That relationship lasted 8 years though, I was younger and not at all stable and balanced like I am now.

Growing older makes these things easier to cope with and I am very realistic once I see there's no real happy future with someone. Not everyone will back out for the sake of being with someone instead of being alone...


epigramman profile image

epigramman 3 years ago

....Naturally I am so sorry to hear this my friend, and ironically I have gone through much the same type of scenario. Thank you for your sincerity and honest writing - only someone with a beautiful heart could be this open with her readers. Your smile is life affirming though - I see it in your spectacular new profile photo and it reminds me of one my favorite songs - Charlie Chaplin's Smile. Just remember, as Scarlet O'Hara once said - "Tomorrow is another day" and I am sending you warm holiday wishes to you for a continued happy new year of health and prosperity and romance as well. lake erie time ontario canada 12:45pm


Escobana profile image

Escobana 3 years ago from Valencia Author

Dear Epi and friend!

I'm always happy to see your comments on my hubs. Especially now and I'm sorry to hear you've been through a similar scenario as well.

The further away I get from my true feelings for 'him' the more I see how my love for him blinded me....

Yet my smile is real. I am grateful for being loved many times and for having loved others many times.

And the Hublove and support I get here is incredible! That's the most beautiful Christmas gift I can get for writing my most personal hubs.

Thank you for all your warmest wishes in 2012! May 2013 continue to be as loving and have a wonderful Christmas Epi!

Hugs and Hublove from Valencia, Spain 10.46 a.m. @airport on my way to Portugal, Faro.


SaritaJBonita profile image

SaritaJBonita 3 years ago from Upstate New York

Escobana,

It's so ironic that I read this Hub just now. I'm going through much the same thing in so many of the same ways. The hardest thing for me is automatically thinking about calling him to share something funny/stupid/amazing, or just to say hi, and then remembering that things aren't like that anymore.

::sigh::

There should be more women like us in the world, Escobana. You're too awesome to be with someone who isn't awesome... enough said...


Escobana profile image

Escobana 3 years ago from Valencia Author

Hey Sarita....

I'm sorry to see you can relate so much to my story but then again it might feel good to know you're not alone.

The urge not to call is a hard one. After 2 months of being single, I finally control the urge of looking in his Facebook profile. I don't want to know anymore about his life since he doesn't want to know about mine either.

Sigh....it still is a sad thing when you know you have to let go in order to move on but I am really lucky to have great friends and time does heal those wounds.

Love will come our way and in the meantime we should enjoy life and freedom in all its beauty:-)

Hugs to you!


DREAM ON profile image

DREAM ON 3 years ago

You have been through so much and you have seen him for what he really is.Better to find out sooner than later.Thanx for sharing and explaining in so much detail.I dated someone and we had plans to be married and who after thirteen years showed no signs of emotion when we broke up.I wish I read your hub so much sooner.I didn't realize someone could be so cold.Wishing you the best in 2013 and many more writings.


Escobana profile image

Escobana 3 years ago from Valencia Author

I wish I read the Hub about NPD earlier too! I had no clue and now all of a sudden I see major signs of NPD in many partners of friends of mine around me.

I was lucky in a way to have my ex at such a distance. It made things easier to move on but it never is easy to pick up the pieces. I never heard from him still after 2 months now.

The coldness continues and my decision was a wise one. Wishing you all the best as well and thanks for following me!


dghbrh profile image

dghbrh 3 years ago from ...... a place beyond now and beyond here !!!

Great hub on reality of life. Time moves on and we have to move on. Sooner the better. I am straight way going to read about NPD.....I really do appreciate the courage and your attitude to face life chin up and with a broad smile ( though eyes covered because I think eyes will take some more time to smile inside out, never mind ) Uhhhhh he actually don deserve you dear......and I am sure much is waiting to be touched by your cheer charm who needs you more then you need the Right One....All my best of wishes your way.....take care and hope you have a great weekend ahead.

luv

deergha


Escobana profile image

Escobana 3 years ago from Valencia Author

Dear Deergha:-)

I had a great weekend in my sunny city Valencia and you're right...he didn't deserve me and my eyes radiate my smile from inside out now that time passed and summer started.

Courage brings us from one fase to the next and I'm currently enjoying the dating scene with only one goal....enjoying what's more to experience and not in any hurry to meet the Right one.

Mister Right Now will do too:-) Hugs!


2 years ago

Hi, this really resonates with my own situation. I was due to move to America.. from the Uk, on a fiancé visa.

I met a Native American man.. online, over two years ago ..via a social network.

Took a trip some 6,000 miles to go visit and it has been a complete, freaking whirl ever since.

I had my lowest point in getting so far in immigration, to realising that I could never cope with this guy 24-7. Even so, what I have struggled with the very most is *detachment*. Always having to question my own sanity and judgement. .The other women, being rejected, being idolised, honeymoon periods, nerve- and- soul shattering ..Nothing came with proof, other than my own gut feelings. There is no closure, they will never give you that, because they *need you* just for now, until another butterfly flits by..There is no love involved..it is need, selfish, self centred,self aggrandising need.

They will trample all over your decency.. and kindness and erode every ounce of your esteem. What an incredibly harsh mirror to see myself in. How little I thought of myself. I felt giving and giving made me a better person. However until I can give to myself.. I do not see this becoming much better. My work has suffered, my family life has imploded..much the time I spent utterly tortured. It's so difficult to comprehend this utter hollowness that they have inside.It is subhuman.regardless of where it stems. Always reaching out for them..just in case something of substance emotionally resides inside. They are emotionally calcified , textbook liars, cheats ,wordsmiths ..and manipulators . Every ounce of compassion you give to them .. you must begin to transfer wholly *unto yourself*. I urge anybody in this situation to close the door hard on these *relationships*.. and to run.


Escobana profile image

Escobana 2 years ago from Valencia Author

Hi to you too,

I read your comment and it has been one and half year since I let go of 'my narcissist'. I wonder after reading your comment...did you follow up on your advice at the end of your comment?

Did you run? If not why would you delay the chance of being truly happy? If yes....brave woman! I know how hard it is to walk away....and never go back to a situation like that again.

From now on you'll be able to recognize 'shit like this' from a mile away. Sorry for my language but it's really what it comes down to. If anyone finds him/herself in a situation like this, he or she is in a whole lot of trouble.

Thanks for responding H. I wish you'll find your way back to renewed self esteem, self confidence and pride. There's another person out there for you who actually understands what LOVE is really about.


Zama 2 years ago

Oh my God I see myself in this. It's been 3 weeks and I'm still struggling to let go of my narcissist, but am determined this time around. I am worthy. I am beautiful, good career, have a 5 year old daughter I need to think of. He belittled me, made me feel loved, then unloved. Would just shut off and tell me he is tired or , he needs his space. He made feel like I'm the crazy one. Had no empathy when I miscarried, at the time I found out, he had told me a month prior, he is going back to his ex because he hs this fear that I will go back to my ex fiancé, I still texted him n begged him, so when I told him I miscarried, he said he is sorry for everything he put me through, then the next day he told me to go to hell, he can't sympathise with me forever, he wants no contact. 3 months later, he told me he doesn't love this girl and wants to be with me, I went back, then 3 months later, he told me his heart is yearning for her, so he left me again, then I did my own research and I found that he has lots of narcissistic traits as well as borderline personality disorder, I sent the info to him, he got a fright and asked me why I didn't do this research earlier, for I would have undertstood him. So he went to a psychologist for about 5 sessions, well stupid me, I went back, but he still treated me like trash. He would just shut off, and I would be this nagging girlfriend, he used to say. I thought I was crazy, I believed him, until the day I lost my nephew, in my arms and I told him that very same day, he 'symphathised' then his phone was off the next day, I got angry and asked him why he is not there when Im feeling so much pain, then he said 'Shut up, your problem is you think you know pain, u don't, so just shut the f*ck up.I was so hurt, then me again, I texted him telling him how could he be so cruel, then after 2 weeks he said he is sorry for being insensitive and swearing at me. Then I went back. One night of passion, the following day he ignored me, and I lashed out and exchanged words (yah I lost myself in this 4 years)......then he turned it against me, blocked me and my last words were, 'you have never been there for me' then he said, ' For what, I have my own burdens, and everyone else should focus on theirs'.....I was shocked. This guy 'loved' me, I was the best thing at first that has ever happened to him. I still am confused even though I learn about this. It hurts. Now He ignores me and no response at all to my texts. I know I don't want him, but I still love him. I just want my life back.I want the pain to stop. I know this shall pass.


Escobana profile image

Escobana 2 years ago from Valencia Author

Thank you Zama for sharing your story!

It's important to me you recognize yourself in my story. I wrote this Hub for all those who are oblivious to the fact, they're in a very unhealthy relationship.

If you want your life back like you say in the end there's only one way and you know that's gonna be the hardest way. It took me a year to get over my ex but time did go on and I managed to get my life back.

Your biggest problem isn't him I have to say. It's your own insecurity and lack of self esteem. I really urge you to stay away from him this time and find a professional to talk about ways how to cope with a loss like this.

Your ex knows all about your weaknesses and as a true narcissist, he has no problem whatsoever $6 in taking advantage of your heart and already crushed ego. He knows you love him, using this as a way to keep you weak in coming back.

You say...I am worthy. The idea is to start feeling what you say because I have no doubt about the fact that you ARE. But being in such a self destructive relationship made you forget about that feeling of true self worth.

Something you can only find back on your own! As soon as you give him the chance to have any part in your life what so ever...you'll be back at square one. And don't try to find it back through another relationship. This kind of healing is a job you have to do yourself.

And think about what you can gain with that. If you succeed in staying away from him, forgetting about him little by little, you will feel the enormous victory of having control again over your own life.

I'm not asking you to stop loving him....I still love my ex. The only difference is that he can't affect me anymore. Not even when I talked to him recently for over two hours by Skype, asking me to come back from Brazil and start over the life he had with me. He missed that, he missed the comfort.

But I was capable in recognizing the true narcissist he still is. Not once in the 2 hours of talking he apologized for having put me through the worst break up ever in my life! The lack of empathy. And I told him....coming back to me is no option unless you want a shitty job, having the relationship failing again and being on your own afterwards....blaiming me for all that later.

What I did, is a possibility for you too. But it takes work. Hard work. Discipline in staying away from him. Change your focus and find new goals in life. You know this yourself. I hope you feel somehow supported after my comment.

Letting go is worth the happiness you gain with it after:-)


Zama 2 years ago

Thank you fore responding Escobana. I know this time around I am not going back. There is so much I am thinking of now. He never loved me, for he is not capable of loving. I don't want to end up in a mental institution like his ex. He always used to tell me, how crazy that girl , was but I didn't even see He was pushing me to that too.I was his next supply and yes I loved him and still do, but I know I will get over him. I had a life before Him. So I will start shifting my focus on other important things but still grieve the loss. I think, my problem is wanting to get over him so soon, so I will give myself some time to heal. It really is a roller coaster I must say. Some days are better than the other. My self esteem has always been so high, but he crushed and belittled me, so I will work on myself now......

thank you so much. It feels better to know, I can write about how I feel and relate to others....

Keep on doing the great job you are doing. This really is part of healing for me.


Escobana profile image

Escobana 2 years ago from Valencia Author

Very good to read your response Zama. Being able to relate to others is an important part of your healing. I'm glad I can have a little part in it.

You sound convinced about not going back to him. That's good to know because it's your start of a new life....for YOU. I think I had the same problem like you....wanting to get over him too soon.

I learned that it's ok to grieve longer over a certain loss than others. My patience was tested and my endurance as well but I'm not the same as I was before.

Now feeling so much stronger in having overcome that loss. I'm wishing you a road that will only end in victory. A rollercoaster ride it will be, but with a very positive result of you being a happier person than you've ever been even before you met him.

Wishing you a lovely weekend from Valencia, Spain!


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carolinemd21 3 months ago from Close to Heaven

This is a beautiful article. I loved how you shared the vulnerable truth. I have been in situations with people like that too who only think about themselves and their needs. You saved yourself from something that could have been a greater disaster. Cheers to you!


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Escobana 2 months ago from Valencia Author

I did save myself Carolinemd12. Still very happy and single since that decision. I left that train for all the right reasons;-)

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