A Hub Dedicated to My Father and Best Friend

 This Hub may never be one of my best, but I had to publish it anyway.  I lost my father, who was my best friend on July 5, 2008.  He was my rock and my life.  I actually found Hubpages because I was trying to find things that I could do to keep my mind busy so that I would be able to handle my loss better.  He was an amazing man, and losing him has taken almost everything I have out of me.  Four months after his death, I began seeing a grief counselor because I finally realized that I could not deal with the grief on my own.  She has helped me tremendously with her support and knowledge.  Unfortunately, she also told me how hard the holidays would be.   And she was right!  I have decided to dedicate this Hub to my father and hopefully anyone else going through the same thing I am will find it.  I am going to start with a poem I wrote only 2 weeks after his death when my feelings were as raw as they have ever been. 

I remember the days in unhappier times

when as a teenager I kept crossing the line.

I lied, I cheated, and I smoked.

Though your heart I surely broke.

I remember the anger and all of the fear

I could see in your eyes each passing year.

But then I grew up, and had a child of my own,

and she became the bond that kept us sewn.

I remember your laughter at her funny little jokes,

and how when she was small you would tickle her toes.

I remember the happiness she brought into your life,

and how when you were together your would kiss her good night.

You were there when we needed you, through thick and through thin,

and I remember the pride that you took in just chipping in.

I could call for advice by day or by night.

Whether personal or professional, your answers were right.

But now that your gone, I feel so alone,

and I can't help but wonder, Who took you home?

Can you see us or hear us?  Can you share in our lives?

Or is death just the end, no future in sight.

During the first 3 months after my loss all I could talk about or think about was how pointless life really was. I would constantly think to myself "What is the point of going to work I am only going to die anyway." And "Why bother cleaning the house or paying my bills, I am only going to die anyway." Then I started thinking "Why worry about my daughter's grades, she is only going to die someday anyway." And "Who cares about spending time with friends because I am not going to be around forever, so I don't want to get too attached."

Finally, after 4 months, I came to realize that I needed help. I could not deal with all of this on my own, so I went to see my general practitioner, and told him everything. He spent 2 hours with me, trying to figure out exactly what I needed. He ultimately referred me to a wonderful grief counselor. Of course I was skeptical. How can another person help me deal with the grief of losing someone that she had never met. I went to the appointment anyway. She was amazing. She gave me at least 25 ideas to try to help me deal with my feelings on a daily basis. She told me that not all of these "tools" would work for me, but I was determined, and I tried every single one of them. Only 3 of them worked, but that was enough to keep my mind busy until my next appointment. Those 3 that worked for me were:

1) A photo journal: She found out that I was interested in photography, and that my father had bought me my first digital camera. She told me to try to take the time to get my camera out and take photos of things that represented my feelings or reminded me of him. My first chance to do this I went to the park behind my house. I found a lonely pine cone that had fallen far away from the tree. It reminded me of how lonely I felt without him, so I took a picture. Then I found a tangled mesh of vines, and it reminded me of the confusion I was feeling, so I took a photo. Next was a tunnel built under the road to allow water to flow through, and it reminded me of the long and dark road I was about to follow to deal with my grief, so I took a photo. And on, and on, and on.....

2) She told me to write everything down. Every feeling, every thought, and every dream. So I did.  I would write down everything from the stupid driver on the road that cut me off, to work related issues that made me feel under valued and worthless, to feelings of despair when I realized that my father was not around anymore to call for advice.  My dreams, my nightmares, everything was on a piece of paper for me to look at later when I could not deal with my emotions.

3)  She validated me.  She gave me articles related to grief and recommended books that I read to help me to understand what I was going through.  When a person is dealing with the loss of someone close to them, the people around may not understand what they are going through.  It is human nature to want to help and "change the subject" but the best thing for grief is to get it out.  No changing the subject, just let the loss and tears come out.

Of course, the other 22 ideas or "tools" she suggested just made me feel like I was wasting my time, but it was these 3 that made me schedule another appointment.  I have seen her 4 times in the last 2 months, and I will never regret it.  She has brought me back to a point that I actually want to live and enjoy my life.

It is now Christmas day. If my father were still alive, he would be here right now, and I would not be working on this Hub. But he is no longer with me, and publishing this Hub is my way of saying "I Love You Daddy" and " I Will Never Forget You". I will see you eventually and I know that. Please watch over us until then. We will miss your smile and laughter, but we know that you are in a better place. Love Marnie, Victoria, and David.

Merry Christmas to anyone reading this.  I hope nothing but peace and love for you this Holiday Season!!