A Hub Dedicated to My Father and Best Friend

Christmas Eve

 This Hub may never be one of my best, but I had to publish it anyway.  I lost my father, who was my best friend on July 5, 2008.  He was my rock and my life.  I actually found Hubpages because I was trying to find things that I could do to keep my mind busy so that I would be able to handle my loss better.  He was an amazing man, and losing him has taken almost everything I have out of me.  Four months after his death, I began seeing a grief counselor because I finally realized that I could not deal with the grief on my own.  She has helped me tremendously with her support and knowledge.  Unfortunately, she also told me how hard the holidays would be.   And she was right!  I have decided to dedicate this Hub to my father and hopefully anyone else going through the same thing I am will find it.  I am going to start with a poem I wrote only 2 weeks after his death when my feelings were as raw as they have ever been. 

I Remember written July 15, 2008 by Marlene Frazier

I remember the days in unhappier times

when as a teenager I kept crossing the line.

I lied, I cheated, and I smoked.

Though your heart I surely broke.

I remember the anger and all of the fear

I could see in your eyes each passing year.

But then I grew up, and had a child of my own,

and she became the bond that kept us sewn.

I remember your laughter at her funny little jokes,

and how when she was small you would tickle her toes.

I remember the happiness she brought into your life,

and how when you were together your would kiss her good night.

You were there when we needed you, through thick and through thin,

and I remember the pride that you took in just chipping in.

I could call for advice by day or by night.

Whether personal or professional, your answers were right.

But now that your gone, I feel so alone,

and I can't help but wonder, Who took you home?

Can you see us or hear us?  Can you share in our lives?

Or is death just the end, no future in sight.

 

My father. The last Christmas we spent together.

The first 3 months

During the first 3 months after my loss all I could talk about or think about was how pointless life really was. I would constantly think to myself "What is the point of going to work I am only going to die anyway." And "Why bother cleaning the house or paying my bills, I am only going to die anyway." Then I started thinking "Why worry about my daughter's grades, she is only going to die someday anyway." And "Who cares about spending time with friends because I am not going to be around forever, so I don't want to get too attached."

Finally, after 4 months, I came to realize that I needed help. I could not deal with all of this on my own, so I went to see my general practitioner, and told him everything. He spent 2 hours with me, trying to figure out exactly what I needed. He ultimately referred me to a wonderful grief counselor. Of course I was skeptical. How can another person help me deal with the grief of losing someone that she had never met. I went to the appointment anyway. She was amazing. She gave me at least 25 ideas to try to help me deal with my feelings on a daily basis. She told me that not all of these "tools" would work for me, but I was determined, and I tried every single one of them. Only 3 of them worked, but that was enough to keep my mind busy until my next appointment. Those 3 that worked for me were:

1) A photo journal: She found out that I was interested in photography, and that my father had bought me my first digital camera. She told me to try to take the time to get my camera out and take photos of things that represented my feelings or reminded me of him. My first chance to do this I went to the park behind my house. I found a lonely pine cone that had fallen far away from the tree. It reminded me of how lonely I felt without him, so I took a picture. Then I found a tangled mesh of vines, and it reminded me of the confusion I was feeling, so I took a photo. Next was a tunnel built under the road to allow water to flow through, and it reminded me of the long and dark road I was about to follow to deal with my grief, so I took a photo. And on, and on, and on.....

2) She told me to write everything down. Every feeling, every thought, and every dream. So I did.  I would write down everything from the stupid driver on the road that cut me off, to work related issues that made me feel under valued and worthless, to feelings of despair when I realized that my father was not around anymore to call for advice.  My dreams, my nightmares, everything was on a piece of paper for me to look at later when I could not deal with my emotions.

3)  She validated me.  She gave me articles related to grief and recommended books that I read to help me to understand what I was going through.  When a person is dealing with the loss of someone close to them, the people around may not understand what they are going through.  It is human nature to want to help and "change the subject" but the best thing for grief is to get it out.  No changing the subject, just let the loss and tears come out.

Of course, the other 22 ideas or "tools" she suggested just made me feel like I was wasting my time, but it was these 3 that made me schedule another appointment.  I have seen her 4 times in the last 2 months, and I will never regret it.  She has brought me back to a point that I actually want to live and enjoy my life.

Now almost 6 months later

It is now Christmas day. If my father were still alive, he would be here right now, and I would not be working on this Hub. But he is no longer with me, and publishing this Hub is my way of saying "I Love You Daddy" and " I Will Never Forget You". I will see you eventually and I know that. Please watch over us until then. We will miss your smile and laughter, but we know that you are in a better place. Love Marnie, Victoria, and David.

Merry Christmas to anyone reading this.  I hope nothing but peace and love for you this Holiday Season!!

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Comments 15 comments

jenster profile image

jenster 7 years ago from Bay Area

Awesome hub...I haven't lost my father yet but I have lost both Grandpas and it hurts alot, and it has been like 15 or more years since the first but I am learning and remembering the good times. Thanks for this hub it is awesome.

Jen


Marlene F. profile image

Marlene F. 7 years ago from Richmond, Virginia Author

Thank you so much Jenster! I appreciate the support on one of the hardest days of my life!


compu-smart profile image

compu-smart 7 years ago from London UK

Very thoughtful hub in memory of your farther! it must be so hard around times like this especially!

My dad passed away, but i hardly knew him, but i grieved 100 time more when my kitty died!


rockinjoe profile image

rockinjoe 7 years ago from Standing right behind you!

Nice dedication. I miss my dad. It's tough around the holidays, but like everything else, it gets easier with time-not much, but a little.

Hang in there.


countrywomen profile image

countrywomen 7 years ago from Washington, USA

That is such a touching tribute to your dad. I was really moved by that poem. May his soul rest in peace. May God give you strength to weather the pain (although it is 6 months) but still loss is a loss which can never ever be compensated or forgotten.


Marlene F. profile image

Marlene F. 7 years ago from Richmond, Virginia Author

Thank you so much, all of you! Though I have personally messaged each of you, I wanted to place a comment here to for any new Hubber to see. It is amazing the wonderful people I have met in only one short month. Your support is more than I could have asked for!!!!


christinekv profile image

christinekv 7 years ago from Washington

Hi Marlene -

Great hub. Thanks for visiting mine and leaving a comment - it served to lead me to you and learn more....

I know you and I can relate to how the other has felt (or is feeling) and I'm so sorry for your loss. The holiday's and birthdays the first year are by far the hardest.

I love the poem you wrote as well as the transparency in which you bear your soul...

Some of the other thoughts you share make me think you were feeling very hopeless...Faith, hope and love, I don't know how healthy people survive without them. I'm glad the grief counseling has been helpful. The picture taking and the symbolism does sound profoundly therapeutic.

So often, all we need is someone who will listen and love us through.....I have a girlfriend who is coming up on the one year anniversary of the death of her most beloved horse (I hauled him to the vet for her) and a day doesn't go by still where she doesn't cry because of missing him so much...even with having 5 other wonderful equine friends. All I can do is hug her and tell her "I know," even though really, all I know is she is still hurting.

Praying for your peace and the healing of your broken heart.


Laila Rajaratnam profile image

Laila Rajaratnam 7 years ago from India

Hi Marlene, my deepest sympathies are with you.God have guided you through your darkest hours,by sending others like your therapist to help you out.How often we take our loved ones for granted,when they are with us.I too lost my dad 5 years back and hence I can understand what you have been through.May God grant you the strength to bear this great loss of yours.


Laila Rajaratnam profile image

Laila Rajaratnam 7 years ago from India

A Happy and peaceful blessed New Year to you and to yours!


Pam Roberson profile image

Pam Roberson 7 years ago from Virginia

Marlene, you've written such a beautiful tribute to your father. My deepest sympathies are with you, and I can promise that it gets easier to deal with over time. I don't think missing a loved one (especially someone as close as your father) ever goes away, but at some point you will feel more peace. You're already making wonderful strides towards that now. :) The tools you're using that you've shared here are wonderful. Thank you.

I'm just sorry I didn't see this hub sooner. It seems like many of us are going through trying times, and it helps so much to know you're not alone and that you have support of others. I wish you the very best during this difficult time and hope that the upcoming year brings you increasing happiness every day. Thank you for sharing this. :)


AEvans profile image

AEvans 7 years ago from SomeWhere Out There

This is an absolutely beautiful tribute to your father, I myself lost my father and wrote about him on HubPages. The best thing to do, is write about it as it helps you to heal, and what is amazing is hundreds of people read about it, and in a wonderful way we have made our dad's famous, as somebody somewhere will click and read. My fahter would be proud if he knew that I wrote about him. I will keep you in my prayers, as I know the pain. :)


Marlene F. profile image

Marlene F. 7 years ago from Richmond, Virginia Author

The support that I have received on this Hub from all of the wonderful Hubbers on here is amazing. Thank you! Each and every one of you!


Randa Kassisieh profile image

Randa Kassisieh 7 years ago

Hello Marlene, I have lost my father on Oct. 25, 2007, and not one day goes by that I don't shed a tear of how much I miss him..! My parents are the blessing of our lives on this earth. I value my parents and family with all my heart. Loosing my father was devastating to us all. I also ask the same questions that you ask, will I see you again or is this the end? Does he feel or hear us? The questions are endless, but after a while, I break down and say, our God is hope, life, beginning and the end! That hope of one day we will meet again is what keeps me going. My father gave us his life, and he will remain to be alive in me as he should in you! It really touches my heart to see that others have experienced wonderful, giving, and valuable parents as I have.

Regards, Randa Kassisieh


Marlene F. profile image

Marlene F. 7 years ago from Richmond, Virginia Author

Thank you so much for your kind words Randa!


Lita C. Malicdem profile image

Lita C. Malicdem 6 years ago from Philippines

I understand your grief with your loss of a dearest one, a father. I lost 4 of my beloved in a row in a matter of two years in this order, my father, my husband, a nephew, my mother. It was devastating! The worst is, I had to face this reality of living alone in my home because my 2 daughters are now working far away from home.

Our ancestral home which is adjacent to my house, left vacant due to the death of my parents, was naturally put under my care. The new turn of sad events and enormous responsibility made me seek out God's silent intervention and today, I'm happily settled serving the Lord as a Roman Catholic, tending to two houses. I'm a choir member in church and joined other religious activity groups. I hope this time you have moved on. God bless you!

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