A Lost Soul

My Story Part 1

It all started 15 years ago. I was the young age of 14, a freshman in high school and had a bright future ahead of me. I was involved in many things in school of which kept me pretty occupied and at times stressed. Then one day a, "friend" of mine suggested that we play hooky and go to a party. At first the idea was a forbidden one, I thought to myself there is no way I am going to do that. Before I knew it I was hanging around all the seniors and some college kids feeling popular and had a beer in my hand. Little did I know that was the beginning to the end if my life.

As high school continue there were many opportunities to play hooky and go have a beer. I found myself liking it more and more each drink I had. Then one day the popular quarterback asked me to go to a party. I was ecstatic! The popular boy who was a senior asked me to go to a party! My answer was yes, this is that day that I lost all respect for myself. I sneaked of my parents house that evening and went to this "party" to only see two guys there. Well I didn't care it was still early so I started drinking and waited for everyone to come. Before I realized I was already getting a buzz so they offered me more and more and not once did I refuse, I liked the "high" the thrill that I was popular and started feeling like I could conquer the world!

Hours passed, I didn't even notice I was too busy having fun drinking and being silly and enjoying being the center of attention. Then it happen he took me to the bedroom. I was super excited! I thought to myself wow he really likes me he is choosing me! Not caring what would happen to me I went willingly and the next thing I know I was loosing my virginity to this guy and his friend! At the time I didn't care I was under the assumption that he liked me and might even want to date me. Then they finished and almost instantly they said we had to go. So they took me home.

The next day was filled with a aching head, and many questions running threw it. I felt ashamed, guilty, stupid and naive. How could I have let this happen? I was so mad at myself for many more days after this I started to cut myself just to make sure I was alive, to make sure I was still a human. Then the liquor started to come around more and more so I drank my feeling away. Laughed it off and acted like I did it willingly. I started to get a reputation, I was the school "slut" the "whore" and I felt like it so I started acting like it, getting drunk almost just to tolerate the name calling. Before I knew it I was doing it for the attention of others, I started to like the way the boys were looking at me.

Before I knew it I was a senior in high school, it was graduation day and all I remember is thinking am I going to make it without falling from the drink I just had? I didn't want to look like a drunken fool! Well that was that I graduated not with honors just an extra credit, nothing special high-school was over and my life was to begin. I had no plans for my future, nothing. I was lost in my self not sure what I wanted in life or where I was going to go. I just knew I had a boyfriend and we drank that is all that mattered to me.

A New Start

Upon my graduation of school I knew I was going to go to college. Not really wanting to but, having had that idea burned into my brain since I was a child, I started my college journey. I decided I would become a nurse to make my mom proud! Well that didn't last long. After only a few semesters at the local community college I dropped out. I became more and more fascinated with the party world! I would drink almost daily at this point in my life! Then I decided I need a job so I can keep hanging out with my friends!

Before I could stop to think about where my life had taken me I was already following something new. I was now a full blown lesbian, and running away to Colorado with her was the only way I thought we would be together! So I applied for the same college she was going to and we went together to start our college love life together. I had no idea what I was going to school for or how I was even going to pay for it but I just knew I was going with her, the love of my life!

After only a few days of living there I was broke and needing money. So I started my search for a job. I found one, in only a matter of a week or less! I was excited to start this job, it was something I always thought about doing but was to scared to try. The job was at the Mystic Cabaret the local strip joint. Little did I know this job would lead me down a path so self desctructing it would almost take my life time and time again.

Sex, drugs, and party!

Have you ever chose to live the party life? If so was if fun or not worth it?

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Panther

I will never forget that first day as a stripper! I was so nervous, I always thought I knew how to dance and enjoyed it, so i tried to zone out from my surrounding and let the music take me away, and it worked! My first day I made almost 500.00! Wow, I thought for my first night and being a rookie, this has to just be a start on what I would make. I was right as I continued working, the game reeled me in hook line and sinker! I never wanted to get a real job or go back to school again this was too easy for me.

Long nights of work, meant something had to keep me going, so I would sneak drink into the locker room. Even as a stripper there were certain rules to work by, one of those included no drinking or doing drugs. Well I didn't listen to those rules at all! I would always have a bottle of liquor with me and a joint in my purse! It still amazes me at 19 years old how the heck I was getting alcohol! However I did I sure got it and always drank to get drunk, and in the mornings to cure the hangover I would get stoned beyond my imagination. Well because of the lifestyle I was living, needless to say I got kicked out of the dorms and had to find a place for me and my girl to live.

So I moved in my my fellow strippers brother and pregnant girlfriend. Those where the days, a place to party of my own and my roommates didn't mind it one bit. The next few months were full of drunken stupor, along with drug experimenting. Back in those days they had what was called legal highs, which were made from ephedrine. The first time I ever tried that drug I was addicted, it was like speed in a pill. Then i found out it came in ecstasy highs, acid highs, even mushroom highs. Needless to say I was completely zonked out the last few months of living in Colorado.

I was spiraling out of control. I was losing my mind! I didn't care about anything or anyone just on getting drunk or high. I started to cheat on my girlfriend, started missing work and waking up from complete black outs only to do it again the next day. I was finally liked and loved i Felicia was popular! I loved it, craved the attention that came with being the life of the party. I would have private stripper parties just for my own pleasure, used many men I met just to supply the party and then kick them out as soon as i got what i wanted. All I wanted was to drink and party, I broke so many peoples wallets and hearts because of my addiction.

That school semester ended and because I had brought my girlfriend into this mix of party and drugs, she too had to move back home. So here we go again, out journey back home to New Mexico. I remember feeling depressed and sad thinking that the fun was over, that I would have to face my parents and get a real job. What was I going to do with my life now? I didn't want to work I wanted to party I wanted to be cool!


Part 2

Continue reading my story:

http://feliciacarrillo.hubpages.com/hub/Even-More-Lost

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