A Sober Look at "Drunk"
Warning: Totally Void of Political Correctness
Booze. One of very few legal & easily accessible drugs.
I'm well-aware that "drunk" has more acceptable terms like, "intoxicated," "under the influence," "tipsy," "inebriated," and several I've not mentioned. It's just that "drunk," is the most commonly used and certainly needs no formal definition.
Please note my WARNING above. Quite simply, there are times when Political Correctness is not only unnecessary, it's best to be ignored entirely. This should be easy to read and understand. I use no complicated explanations nor unfamiliar terminology.
As Sgt.Joe Friday always said, "Just the facts, Ma'am, just the facts." There is absolutely no reason to complicate a very simple topic.
How Many Different kinds of "Drunk," are there, anyway?
This may not be the sort of major philosophical question most people normally concern themselves with or spend valuable time discussing.....but let's face it, it could be educational. More than this, it may be fun.
Most facts about alcohol are not exactly funny, but people who regularly & overly imbibe can be quite funny. Choose your own translation of "funny." Far be it from me to tell you what to find amusing.
As you're conjuring up scenarios of times past, allow me to present a few of the diverse states of drunkenness I have witnessed first hand.
The "I'm a Comedian," state of drunkenness
Surely you know people who have a special knack to make us laugh. Drunk or sober, these people are just plain funny. With a couple of drinks helping you loosen up, it's easy to laugh at just about anything. Know what I mean? Unless everyone else is knocking 'em down at your rate of speed, bursting into laughter at nothing, will garner you some weird looks....and you don't even care.
It's time for your best Eddie Murphy impression. Someone lied to you once and said you are really good at mimicking his stand-up routines. Of course, you believed him. You were drunk. Truth was the least of your concerns. It's time for fun and loads of laughter. C'mon, it's party time.
You're laughing, they're laughing, a fresh round of drinks is on the bar & your audience awaits the next joke.
Damn, the drinks go down easy and the crowd yells for more....more booze, more Eddy, more laughs. Drinks number 6 or 7 are beginning to cramp your style. Speech a bit slurred, gestures getting sloppy.
Your audience looks fuzzy and their focus is.....well, they really have no focus. You must be getting funnier because the laughter's become mass hysteria.
Hold the autographs, my friend, because our boozing-buddies are about to call it an evening. You all stumble to the parking lot, still giggling and hugging each other, while you rave about the "great time tonight."
Your guardian Angel gets you home, once again and you crash, on the first piece of furniture you trip on.
Until next time, Wow, that was fun.
The "My life sucks," Drunk
You know about crying jags. Oh Lord, woe is me. A few innocent cocktails and the band starts playing music-to-commit-suicide-by.
I hate to say this, and realistically it's needless to say, but women have the majority of this kind of melodramatic drunk.
Although I have no patience for "Politically Correct," bullcrap, I do mean to clarify that I refer to the altered states of mind....not to an individual. No, no name-calling.
In this particular state of drunk, booze has a tendency to deliver the blackest of black clouds and dump it directly above your bar stool.
Slowly but surely, you become enlightened to the fact that nothing in your life is worthwhile. Nothing ever works out quite the way you'd hoped.
Your boss is a jerk and you hate him. Your boyfriend just cheated on you for the 5th time....huh?( go ahead, cry....it is very sad to be stupid)
You have your standard list of unbearable struggles and woes. Your parents like your brother best, and treat your sister better. You are under-paid, under-loved and misunderstood.....sob, sob, sniff, sniff.
This "my life sucks," drunk ultimately leads to the poor, pathetic sipper found seated at the end of the bar........alone.......with a pile of wrinkled bar naps in front of them. Three empty popcorn baskets....a red nose and streams of mascara, as well.
NOT a pretty sight, agreed? Nonetheless, what can make us feel better than a good, hard CRY? I know! ..A hangover.......plus BLOAT caused by popcorn salt.
Are we having FUN yet?
The "I feel like beating the PISS out of someone," DRUNK
What's a night of frivolity and friends without a good old-fashioned barroom brawl? I can't think of a thing.
Be assured, it's not out of the question. In fact, at least 50% of the time, you can count on it. The individual working diligently on this type of drunk is easy to spot.
They're usually The Lone Ranger.(Tonto joined A.A.) He will do shots, in quick succession, always slamming the glass with a purposeful BANG, wiping dribble with his sleeve. The girls love a sexy, suave hunk.
This guy hates everyone and has no intention of going home without some cuts and bruises, on someone's body....not his.
You may notice this gentleman mumbling curse words into his drink and casting satanic glares. These are aimed at the unsuspecting fellas, watching the football game on flat screen TV. Their cheers and applause serve to piss-off Mr.Tough guy just a bit more.
There are tricks of the trade this dude will display. He'll direct lewd comments at some guy's date, or accidentally-on-purpose shove one football fan into another.
However, if this fails a few times, this type of drunk seems to bring with it an unending supply of tenacity. Suffice it to say, a rumble is guaranteed at this point of drunkenness.
Last call is also last chance....and our rough and tough buddy has snatched up his prey.
The damsels all scream, as Goliath drags David off to his doom. Punches are thrown and victims go flying. There's spitting and cursing of would-be heroes.
What's that sound? Oh, just the cops pulling up to a screeching halt. This is excitement......the bully is proud.
He's also been cuffed and stuffed into the back of the squad car. He knows the drill....almost as well as the cops know him.
The E.M.T.'s attend to the football fan's swollen eye and cut lip. The ladies run to comfort and hug their unwilling warriors.
I love a happy ending.
Talk to me Friend, I KNOW you've got something to share!
There are so many versions of "drunk," but alas, not enough time to describe them all.
I have faith in you and your views from the bar stools of the past (or even the present).
If you've never been a drinker, nor ever known what drunk looks like......if you claim to not know what the inside of a bar looks like.....I probably won't believe you, but I'll let it slide.
I'll count on the rest of you who may have a tale to tell!
Show us how intelligent you are!!
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