How to Escape an Abusive Relationship

Red Flags Present Themselves For Recognition

Your SELF is important and does not deserve abuse.
Your SELF is important and does not deserve abuse. | Source

Call For Help A.S.A.P.

Do know someone that is being abused? Are you being abused?

Abuse is about CONTROL. Controlling other people in social interactions/relationships is not good or appropriate.

Control in a work or school setting is different, yet should not be abusive. In the context of employers requiring certain workplace behaviors and productivity, teachers requiring specific classroom behaviors and assignment completion, parents requiring appropriate child behaviors, governments requiring citizens to follow voted-upon and approved laws, etc., such control is acceptable. (Anarchists may disagree.)

The National Domestic Violence Shelter Network and Hotline

HOTLINES - US National Domestic Violence Hotline

  • MAIN NUMBER 1−800−799−7233
  • New York 1-800-942-6906
  • California 1-800-524-4765
  • Check the link for your State or US Protectorate

Addicted To Abuse

Unfortunately, abuse can become addicting to both the abuser and to the target (victim) of the abuse as well. The phenomenon is highly complex and often must be handled by a complete break of the wife, husband, partner, or child from the abuser(s).

Until the abused person is absolutely ready to escape, they will not try to do so and they will not listen to advice about it. Why? They may be afraid of worse consequences if they leave, such as their murder, which does sometimes occur. They may be addicted to the abuse, thus feeling that they can change the abuser - they 100% cannot change the abuser, ever; this is part of the addiction.

Another part of the addiction is the phenomenon of the abused party (target/victim) becoming addicted to discussing their abusive partner's "psychological or psychiatric diagnoses and treatment" as a means to feeling in control or as a means of feeling special - and many of the abused feel special because they are abused. It is true that the target may have special talents that result in envy from the abuser, but we are not better people because we can "take" the abuse. Similarly, a psychiatric diagnosis is not special and good.

I cannot overemphasize that this can get out of hand. No one has the right to label a person with a psychiatric diagnosis if not a licensed professional, have not done a thorough evaluation (a proper one takes days and includes testing, family and individual histories, etc.), or have not been told that the person suffers from such a diagnosis. In some or even many cases, the labeling and discussion of that labeling is a distraction from seeking effective help in escaping the abuser.

Strictly speaking, to label a person this way without the proper credentials and procedures is like driving without a lesson or a license when you are 10 years old - It is also 1) name calling and 2) practicing medicine (psychiatry) without a license. That means it's a crime in most states. It's misdemeanor in my state and carries a penalty that escalates on the fourth violation.

So, please don't make things worse by saying, "He has ____ (diagnosis name)". Please tell your friend to see a professional counselor on the grounds that the behavior sounds disturbed or scary or abusive. If you see the alleged abuser attack your friend, then call the police, but don't be surprised if they won't file charges or if they drop charges later.

Have you seen the red flags?

Don't let a red flag become a coffin drape.
Don't let a red flag become a coffin drape. | Source

Also know that the person who is telling you about a diagnosis could be making up the diagnosis on their own, thus compounding the problem with gossip. There is a lot about which you must use your judgment skills in these cases.

The best thing you can do is to be available to your friend for venting and emotional support and be ready with information about resources when they ask you for help.

Don't be surprised if they change their minds 5 or 6 times or more before taking action. It is not easy to follow through and escape. Many times, they go back to the abuser at least once before they stay gone.

Whatever you think is "wrong" with the person doing the abuse could be the result of a brain tumor or a nutrition deficit, low blood sugar, or some other medical condition. .

If a person shares their partner's diagnosis of any type - physical or mental - with you, please ask them why they are telling you, because if they want sympathy or prayer that might be fine. Further, if they want to vent in private to you, that would likely be fine. However, if they want to use an illness or label as an excuse for the abusive behavior, that's incorrect.

No illness is justification for abusiveness to others. One teaches people how to treat one by what one accepts from them.

If you cease to interact with abusers every time they treat you abusively, they eventually learn that you won't take it - or they escalate the abuse. If they don't learn or if they escalate, then you don't need to see them again; but, you may need help escaping from these person(s). Call the police or a hotline listed above.

Few abusers change, but those few actually change with therapy or other help. Abuse won't go away by itself.

Gaslighting is a Technique Used in Abuse

In the film "Gaslight", the husband did everything he could to make his wife think she was becoming insane.
In the film "Gaslight", the husband did everything he could to make his wife think she was becoming insane. | Source

Gaslight - Origin of the Term in Abuse

Gaslight
Gaslight

Charles Boyer and Ingrid Bergman. This is the 1944 film that gave us the term "Gaslighting" in the research and work of abuse treatment.

 

Types Of Abuse

Abuse happens in a number of contexts, some of them unexpected. One of the major factors to remember and be alert in recognizing is that anyone who plays mind games associated with basic needs - food, shelter, clothing, sex - is someone to avoid, because this is abuse.

A partial list of types of abuse includes the following contexts:

Verbal*

Most types of abuse start with verbal abuse and progress to other forms, because if the target will accept verbal abuse, they may then likely accept other types. Verbal abuse confuses the target and makes them sometimes feel that they disserve the abuse. Many people do not know what constitutes abuse. Verbal abuse leaves deeper scars internally that physical abuse on the outside of the body. Many people never recover from verbal abuse if it is extensive. Abusers themselves often deflect attention away from their unwanted behaviors by accusing other of abusing them.

  • See Patricia Evans' site for help: www.verbalabuse.com

*NAME CALLING is always abuse.

If you have a problem with someone, it is permissible to discuss their unwanted or inappropriate behaviors with them, but it is never morally or informational correct to call anyone a label-name at any time. If you have children in your care, do not allow them to call anyone names.

Mental (Gaslighting and other methods)

Gaslighting is, for example, convincing a person that they are imagining things by staging odd events and telling that person that the events did not happen. This term comes from the film Gaslight, a truly terrifying movie in which a man tries to convince his wife that she is insane in order to profit financially.

Emotional

Physical

Sexual

This is a continuum of inappropriate control from rape, incest and child molestation to demanding a partner perform sex acts offensive to him/her.

Financial

Example: A woman took in 6 foster children and was paid a high daily rate for their care. She required the youth to work summer jobs when they became 14 years old and took every penny that they earned. When school started, they did not have any shoes, but she had a $40,000 sports car.

Example: In my state there is no law requiring a husband to support a wife or a wife to support a husband during the marriage. I know of several cases in which the wife was sick and not able to work, there was no food in the house, and the woman could not receive food from social services, because her husband's income was too high. Churches were afraid to intervene with help. These woman had to leave and go to a domestic violence center in order to survive. The same thing happens with men who are unable to work.

Example: A grandmother was held captive in her own basement, because she was crippled with sever arthritis and her daughter-in-law and son that lived there took all of her Social Security Disability Checks. There was no phone in the basement and the woman could not climb the stairs. One day she was able to drag herself upstairs in the empty house, found her son's car keys on the kitchen table, got in the car he had left in the driveway, and drove to a high-end department store. She stole a large expensive camera in order to be arrested so that she could tell the judge that she needed help. She was cleared of the charges and moved to Arizona with the help of the courts and was able to return to work full-time in the drier climate that helped her physical condition.

Educational

Medical

Spiritual

Religious

Employment Discrimination

All sorts of abuse is occurring in our country, but Americans are becoming more aware of them and thus better able to prevent them and help those individuals that are ready for help. Anti-abuse and anti-bully programs are entering our school programs and can make a difference.

See the links below for more information, definitions, and warning signs of abuse:

More by this Author


Comments and Questions 46 comments

Guru-C profile image

Guru-C 9 years ago

Dear Patty, As a survivor of abuse, I thank you with all my heart for sharing this life-saving information! Bless you!!!

An ex of mine was under the care of a psychiatrist for depression and anxiety with huge doses of combined anti-depressents, Xanax, sleeing medication, focus medication, and occasional booster prescriptions. Add recreationals, and you have quite a handful to deal with. If the person has an aggressive nature, stand back! I will add, that in addition to his MD, I did "practice psychology without a license", because I justified all of his misbehaving with a psychological "sign and symptom". The fact that the person is under the care of a physician doesn't make the behaviour any less abusive, right?


Patty Inglish, MS profile image

Patty Inglish, MS 9 years ago from North America Author

Oh, Guru-C, how horrible! I'm so sorry you experienced that torture, but you can surely use it to help educate others I hope. And yes, you are right that the presence of medical care does not make the unwanted behaviors any less abusive.

As a society in the last 25 years, we have done victim-blaming (blamed the patients for their ills) and then alternately excused the patients from all responsibility (They're sick, so it's unavoidable...). Man O Man, we need some common sense in this nation about these things! So, we can spread the word among ourselves so it will spread further.

Thanks for the comment! Being with an absuer can be like wading hip deep in quicksand while demons whip you and tell you you're stupid. Really a Dante's Inferno of all 9 circles at once. Bless you that you survived.


Guru-C profile image

Guru-C 9 years ago

Patty, Thank you so much for your empathy. And of course it goes without saying that the person doesn't have to hit for it to be abuse. The fear factor here was that he would sharpen knives or brandish a pocket knife whenever we argued. And he'd block the door if I tried to leave the room if we weren't getting anywhere. The first time it happened, I actually felt guilty that I let it happen... Long story. Thank you again for opening up this conversation, and especially for the resources. You're Great!


Guru-C profile image

Guru-C 9 years ago

Hello, again, Patty, Guess what, I went to submit this article to Digg, and it already had 2 Diggs! Kudos.


Patty Inglish, MS profile image

Patty Inglish, MS 9 years ago from North America Author

Hey, thanks Guru-C. I hope as many people as possible can learn to help prevent abuse. I post on a faith-based site for this activity if you ever want to have a look, but there are many sites, faith-based and not...

http://www.jesushealsabuse.informe.com


lacyleathers profile image

lacyleathers 8 years ago from US

Patty.....as a survivor (there are many of us) I thank you for the info! An important part of recovery (yes abused persons go thru recovery from past behaviors) is realizing that there is a problem. The abuser convinces you there is no problem, but with you! If you are in an abusive relationship....get all the info you can. Even if you don't realize it's abusive...but it doesn't feel right....seek info and help! There are those of us (thank you Patty) that are with you! Thank You for this hub!


Patty Inglish, MS profile image

Patty Inglish, MS 8 years ago from North America Author

I think that a large part of American families have seen abuse closeup. Thanks for your testimony, lacyfeathers; it will help others to decide to find help.


Stacie Naczelnik profile image

Stacie Naczelnik 8 years ago from Seattle

I grew up in a household of domestic abuse and truly believe that the best way to stop it is by not allowing it to remain something we don't talk about. Great hub.


Patty Inglish, MS profile image

Patty Inglish, MS 8 years ago from North America Author

Thank you Stacie. I completely believe this, too. Abusers demand the abused to keep the secret, but this secret must be exposed. I feel bad for all the abuse the people here in this thread and on Hub Pages have endured.

For a time, I knew so many abusers that I did not think that healthy people existed any longer. But I resisted and spoke out when abuse came my way, and speaking out stopped it. You are right - we must talk about abuse.


dianado 8 years ago

Thank you so much for this resource. I have recently been opening up a time when I was abused and often have put labels on my abuser but it never fealt good to do so. I think you're adviice and discriptions of each type makes a lot of sense.


Patty Inglish, MS profile image

Patty Inglish, MS 8 years ago from North America Author

Thaks for your comment dianado. I hope this information continues to be useful to you.

Sometimes we can "get stucK' on a label, so I use them very rarely.

Best wishes to you.


crazybeanrider profile image

crazybeanrider 8 years ago from Washington MI

Having recently escaped a three year abusive relationship i find this hub very informative. The links and resource information you provide is very helpful.


Patty Inglish, MS profile image

Patty Inglish, MS 8 years ago from North America Author

Hi crazybeanrider. Very often, these abusive relationships are difficult to get away form. Congratlations for doing so and I hope you life is happier overall right now -- relieved and ready for new joy.

Patty 

  


Patty Inglish, MS profile image

Patty Inglish, MS 8 years ago from North America Author

Abuse is becoming more and more talked -about and several Hubs have been written on this subject recently - Search Hub Pages for "abuse" and "abusive relationships"; also "bully" and bullies."

The more we think about it and discuss it, the more we bring it to light for a solution!


betherickson profile image

betherickson 8 years ago from Minnesota

I absolutely agree with you. The abusive behavior must not be tolerated. You have a very informative article. :)


Patty Inglish, MS profile image

Patty Inglish, MS 8 years ago from North America Author

Sounds like you have had some rotten experiences, amber. Just don't accept the behavior and keep looking - there are still good people out there.

betherickson - Thanks for stopping by and commenting!


vlo 7 years ago

in 1995 after two years in a verbal/emotionally abusive relationship. It made me stay out of relationships. 8 years later i meet a guy who slowly becomes verbally/emotionally abusive. We were together for almost 6 years and just a couple of years ago, i went back to school full-time, i built my finances, material possessions, etc. back up and not long ago, after no longer spending birthdays, holidays or special occasions with this person, just phone calls, i finally had enough. he will always be angry that he couln't break me down and ruin my self esteem and self worth totally. i hope he gets rid of the demons and cobwebs in his head. i cared more about me than him and now i have to work diligently to never have to go through that again.


Patty Inglish, MS profile image

Patty Inglish, MS 7 years ago from North America Author

vlo - Stay strong and yet be open to love again, but with your good foresight. Best wishes and protective prayers and blessings for you going up.


wendi_w profile image

wendi_w 6 years ago from Midwest

Thank you for your post . Knowledge is power as a survivor myself I feel it is important to reach out to those who are going through it and to warn those we can


please 6 years ago

what can i do my bf used to be so different, i had a kid with him and now he is threatening my son, to take him and sell him so i can never see him again if i don't buy him weed. He says I can't get my son because I smoked before to not break down emotionally. HE only insults me and when i thought we made up by having a love session , he woke up in the morning and charged me for it, and threatened my son with a switchblade. HE is only belittling me and I am scared, I have no money just about 100 a week and I have no where to go.


Patty Inglish, MS profile image

Patty Inglish, MS 6 years ago from North America Author

He is lying about many things to you. Call the following Domestic Violence Hotlines, take your son to domestic violence shelter they tell you about. They will help you with work, housing, food, legal, etc. Leave the possessions behind; you don't need them; you need your LIFE to help your son.

MAIN NUMBER 1?800?799?7233

New York 1-800-942-6906

Do it. Don't fool around, wondering. Get out.


Patty Inglish, MS profile image

Patty Inglish, MS 6 years ago from North America Author

1-800-799-7233


Amy S. 6 years ago

Hi I'm 27 years old and my husband is 48, and we live in AZ. I have been in a physical, mental, and verbally abusive relationship now for 7 years. He has hurt and abused me in every way you can think of except sexually. So I got tired of being treated the way I do, and I wanted to know what it really felt like to be loved and in a healthy realationship I met this man who lives in OR on Myspace and have been talking with him online and on the phone now for 6 months.We talk on the phone every day for at least 3 hours. He loves me and wants to treat me right and tells me he will never call me names, or hit, or yell at me, and is worried every day that I am with my husband. He said that he could never hit a woman and thinks it's sick. He wants to build a life with me.I want to leave my husband so bad, but I'm scared that it won't be the right choice, and I don't have any money, but I know staying where I am treated bad and belittled every day is not a good choice either. The man I want to be with and fell in love wants to come with his friend and take me away from here in August. He has no car and thats the only thing that makes me feel strange, other than that I really want to be with him. I'm just so afraid. Like what will happen when he comes to get me and what will my husband do? It hurts me inside a lot, to leave my husband. I'm always in indecsion and I am having a hard time figuring things out. I have wanted to go see a counsler about this all but my husband will not allow me. I just don't know what to do. i know I do not want to ever be in a shelter. i just want to be with my boyfriend. I'm just scared.


Patty Inglish, MS profile image

Patty Inglish, MS 6 years ago from North America Author

If you don't want counseling or a shelter, you may be in for a hard road ahead. From my professional psych/counseling cases, I say that going from an abusive relationship straight into another romantic relationship is not healthy.

Some men (women) prey on abused women (men) on the Interent and the telephone daily, grooming the abused people in order to capture them into a different web of abuse. And this guy does not have a car? That is a red flag. Does he have a job? A police record? A wife or former wife? Children? Does he take psych medications? Drink? Do drugs?

Sometimes, a rescuer-boyfriend will bring a friend and take a young woman away from an abuser, only to force her into prostitution.

Think it through, be sure what you want to do, do it, and be ready for the unexpected. Know where the local police stations are at all times and go there or call if you need them.

Call the hotline and talk with someone. It does not obligate you.


Amy S. 6 years ago

This man has been married 3 times, divorced, and has no children. He does not have a job and lives on disablity ssi, I think you call it. He is a cancer survivor. He smokes weed, but so do I. He's a surfer, and lives in a one bedroom apartment. He drinks very little. He's very into rpg's, books and history study and seems very nerdy. One night I was on the phone with him and he had only had two beers and was already drunk, and all him and his friend spoke about for 2 hours was comic books, rpg, Avatar,and ancient egypt. He is very sexual. I'm still not sure. He also says he has bad teeth, and was afraid that I would not like him because of it. He has no police record, and told me he has only had minor traffic tickets, and has never been arrested.


Amy S. 6 years ago

Thank you for your advice. I found it very helpful.


Patty Inglish, MS profile image

Patty Inglish, MS 6 years ago from North America Author

Sounds like some teenagers on summer vacation, huh?


Amy S. 6 years ago

Yep kinda does.


OntariFamilyLawCa profile image

OntariFamilyLawCa 6 years ago from No America

Good hub!


ItsThatSimple profile image

ItsThatSimple 5 years ago from Florida

Love should be a positive and mutually fulfilling experience for a couple. Part of the problem is that many women do not know that having the loving, happy relationship they've always dreamed of is possible. With positive thinking and positive energy we can attract what we most desire. Thanks for the hub, I hope it helps people!


helmet veshdon 5 years ago

Wow, people can be quite cruel. I can't believe what measures people take to control someone else. I have even heard of people conjuring up computer animation pictures that look like they had been beaten to mess with their partner.


stars439 profile image

stars439 5 years ago from Louisiana, The Magnolia and Pelican State.

Abuse is a terrible thing. My brother and I loved our father, but dad could be abusive. He was a disabled World War 2 Veteran that fought overseas in the jungles of New Guniea. His mind was severely troubled because of bombs, violence, and much death. He could be dangerous, and abusive very much so. We lived the war he fought for many long years in everything imaginable. We loved mom,but she had to be a dominat figure to control dad, and sometimes we felt the wrath of them both in so many ways. We still loved them very much because they gave us love, a home, and food even though our home was violent. GodBless You. I never liked violence. I think that made me a pretty good police officer.


Patty Inglish, MS profile image

Patty Inglish, MS 5 years ago from North America Author

A couple of uncles came out the other side of WWII changed in the same ways and it was hard for them and their families. As a police officer, at least you have had the chance to end many cases of violenmce, and that is a big plus.


Brittany 4 years ago

I believe I am abused by my boyfriend. We have been together for over 2 years now. I I am 24 years old with 4 children. The first 3 are from a previous relationship and the 4th is with my abuser. He was so different in the beginning. I had just ended my first relationship of 6 years, and wasn't looking for another. When I left my first, he disappeared leaving our children also, so I was still very hurt by that. My boyfriend now, was patient in the beginning, he chased after me for over 4 months telling me that when I was ready to start dating again, he wanted me to give him a chance. He promised me everything under the sun. He made my kids fall in love with him, he assured me they would never go without, and that he wanted to be this'd dad. When I finally did start dating him, and things turned serious, I got pregnant very quickly. That's when things changed. It started out small, just hurting my feelings here and there, making me cry. Constantly reminding me of the weight gain due to my pregnancy. Then after we has the baby, things were great, for a little while. I thought having a child made him grow up and appreciate me. I was wrong. Just 2 months after giving birth, his verbal abuse turned into pushing me down on the floor and into walls. Note: I am about 5'6" and 130 pounds; HE is 6'0" and about 230 pounds. When he first did that, he was always apologetic, and promised me it would never happen again. He got better for a while, and accepted a job 2 states away. 3 months later we joined him. It has now been a year that I have been here, and the abuse has gotten so bad, that he throws me around on a regular basis, he has choked me to the point of almost passing out (in front of my children) and when I defensively hit him back to get away, the police told me if they arrested him, they would have to arrest me too. He is careful not to leave marks in visible places, and when he choked me he used the inside of his elbow in a head lock type position, so there were no visible marks. He always makes me feel like his actions are my fault. When he's mad at me, he threatens to throw me and my children out in the street, refuses to buy food, and is mean to my first 3 children who call him daddy. He threatens to take my baby from me, and that I won't get custody of him because I don't work, and he does. I don't work because he won't allow it. What is your advise for this situation??? Please help!!!


Patty Inglish, MS profile image

Patty Inglish, MS 4 years ago from North America Author

Find a Domestic Violence Shelter in your town or nearby, contact them, make arrangements, and take your kids there before your boyfriend kills you are your children. Call the national number below if you can't find the shelter:

HOTLINE 1?800?799?7233

The police do NOT have to arrest you when you call 911 to report that your abuser is killing you. Stop wasting time trying to fight back or make the situation change. It won't. Leave.

HOTLINE 1?800?799?7233

The cycle of abuse is clear. He chased you, made promises, and when you got pregnant you were "trapped" as far as he was concerned. Then it got worse. Leave now.


claire 4 years ago

hi, i have just ended extremely abusive marriage. IM 28 , hes 30. Together 5 years, married nearly 3 . The last 2 years have been hell. He started smoking Meth and has completley turned into a different person. He violently attacked me for the stupidest reasons, and this ended up being probably a weekly event, someitmes daily.He has become so paranoid that he thoght i was havig affairs with some of my best male friends, friends we have both know for years. He has a gun and would threaten to kill my friends if they didn't stop texting me or seeing me out and about.

I opened a new Cafe and things got so bad he was hitting me in the cafe when he thought no one was looking or preventing me from going to work because of some new crazy idea hed gotten into his head. I really was walking on eggshells for the last year. He broke my ribs, chipped my teeth, bruises all over. I was constanly making up excuses to friends about all the scars and bruises. He was sexually abusing me, using me like I was a prostitute, whenever he wanted. At first i would say no and try to go back to sleep but that just reulted in me being forced to stay awake all night while he shouted and threatned me. He threw me out of houseinto garden many times and if I tried to go out in car or to sleep in different room in house he wuld start waving his gun around, can you run faster than my bullet was his favourite thign to say. Ive had the bloody gun held at my head before for refusing to have sex with him,. He would be so high for days that he wouldn't sleep and then thigns just got crazy. Looking at him like that was like looking at monster, complete stranger with black eyes. Toxic psychosis they call it

And I wanted to leave so bad, it all felt like a bad bad dream but it wasn't. Im from a different country than him so I returned home this summer for a holidayand finaly told someone in my family a bit of whathad been going on. I was so sure they'd all be like I told you so but ebveryone has been so so great. ANd its with their help i have no, ON Friday finaly made the phone call telling him im never comgin back. He has been callin all summer and telling me how sorry he is and will never do again and he has stopped smoking meth but i knew it was alot of lies. So i just told him eveythign i have told you guys, i made him remember all the crap he put me through and made sure he understood Why i am never going back.

It is really really hard, part of me hates him but part of me feels so sorry for him too. And also I have had to walk away from my house, that I built with my money, my dreams and plans. ALso I had to leave the Cafe that took me so long to get u and running and it really worked well, Its killing me to think he has all of these things now but i know they are only THings, its only Stuff and I can get them again in my life , without having to live with the violence.

I am hoping ill start to feel better about it all. He was threatnenig to kill himself on the phone the other day and I am now nervously checking phone nd emails to see if ive got message from some friend telling me he has done it. Maybe i shouldn't care after everythig he did to me but i cant help worrying.

If anyone else has story like mine any advice on how to get over it all.I jurt want to stop thinking about it and talking about it. I find if i go out and have few drinks with friends I end up saying too much and regretting talking about it the next day.

Sorry i have written probably far too much but just needed to get sutff off my chest.


Patty Inglish, MS profile image

Patty Inglish, MS 4 years ago from North America Author

Threatening to kill himself is usually just a ploy to get you back so he can abuse you more. Even if he did commit suicide, you are not responsible for that.

Talking to family can help a lot, clare, but you may want to consider a counselor as well, so you can get some closure and not "spin your wheels in the mud" into being stuck in depression or wishing to go back.


tiiarne 4 years ago

my ex and I have been on and off for about 7 months and he has got worse over time by being verbally abusive and putting me down all the time. I would honestly rather get hit than being verbally abused. his also very controlling, doesn't want me to have any friends or family just him or I go out. but his able to do what he wants and talk to who he wants and I can't say anything. I'm unsure how to let go because of the anger issues he has. please help me!


debby 4 years ago

what other methods of leaving are there if there is no phone and no shelter nearby?


Patty Inglish, MS profile image

Patty Inglish, MS 4 years ago from North America Author

That is tough. A person in that situation might go to the police station and ask for protective custody and/or file charges right away for physical abuse, or go to a hospital for a social worker or nurse (staff are trained to help in abuse cases)or a church and ask for help. Another idea is to find any social services agencies in your town or even county. Then get to a phone - the police should certainly help a person make a call. Some agencies will come and pick up a victim of abuse. Don't get bogged down by worrying about leaving possessions behind.

If nothing else, go to the police station and use the phone to call the hotlines in the article above.


CheryleJ profile image

CheryleJ 4 years ago from NEW JERSEY

Wow Patty this is good info to have for my DV advocacy program at church! Thanks for sharing!


Lindsey 4 years ago

Hi, I'm doing a debate on domestic violence. Do you think that deadly force is permissible as a response to domestic violence? Thanks


Patty Inglish, MS profile image

Patty Inglish, MS 4 years ago from North America Author

My opinion is that deadly force is justified in response for stopping a physical attack strong enough to kill me, unless I can use lesser force adequately. If deadly force is the last best hope, I will use it. That's what I teach my students.

In my city, a man met his wife outside the front door as she was off to work and stabbed her 17 times with a huge knife- she had no chance to defend herself because of surprise and the judge asked him why 17 wounds were necessary when the first killed her to the ground (no answer). If she had had warning, I don't know that she could have survived. Sometimes, no amount of defense is enough.

Use the least amount of force necessary to survive - but survive!


kelleyward 4 years ago

I love reading Patricia Evan's books. I always learn so much from her. This was a great Hub! I just wrote one on the effects witnessed abuse has on children and I learned so much more about the lasting damages of abuse. Thanks for sharing!


Patty Inglish, MS profile image

Patty Inglish, MS 4 years ago from North America Author

I believe Patricia Evans still operates a webpage and forum that are pretty good.

Your Hub on witnessing abuse is one that can be very helpful to those who have not thought about this.


haikutwinkle profile image

haikutwinkle 4 years ago

Thank you for this informational hubpage

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