America's instant weight loss plan

A luther burger: hamburger, bacon, and swiss cheese on a grilled Krispy Kreme doughnut.
A luther burger: hamburger, bacon, and swiss cheese on a grilled Krispy Kreme doughnut. | Source

Today the House of Representatives passed legislation to change the definition of the pound. Instead of a pound being 16 ounces, it will now be 24 ounces. What does this mean for America's obesity problem? Well, a 250 lb. person (4000 ounces) will now weigh 167 lb. An instant weight loss of 83 pounds.

Congressman Barney Frank, A co-sponsor of the bill, applauded today's victory, saying how it was not only a victory for the American people, but a personal victory for him as well. "I lost 60 pounds today," he said, "and I feel great".

A number of important issues were raised by reporters at the press conference. One major concern was whether the law would make all weighing devices obsolete. Not to worry said Congressman Frank. "A digital signal will be broadcast nationwide to reprogram all digital devices with the new program". "They can do that," asked the astonished reporter. "Evidently," He replied and went on to describe the secret program which for years has been installing receivers and transmitters in every electronic device sold in America. When asked about non-digital devices, Frank said, "non-what? What are you talking about?"

Another major concern was what the new law would mean for product weights. One reporter asked if for instance a five pound sack of rice would now be a three and a third pound sack. Legislators had thought of this issue as well, and according to Frank is the real beauty of the bill - the definition of a pound for weighing products will now be 12 ounces, so that the old 12 ounce standard can of soda will now be a pound. "Eat more and weigh less," he said. "Personal motto," one reporter jokingly said. "No," said Frank, "that's the name of the bill".

One particularly cynical reporter commented that this wouldn't actually change anybody's weight or do anything for their health, to which Frank invited her up to the stage to try out the scale he had beside him. When 95 pounds popped up on the screen she just started giggling and blushing. "I could be a model," she exclaimed. "We can all be models," said Frank, arms stretched out wide. "In America, you can be anything you dream".

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Comments 3 comments

The Frog Prince profile image

The Frog Prince 5 years ago from Arlington, TX

What a masterpiece of writing. You had me almost rolling on the floor jm. Hilarious while at the same time capturing the rationale, or lack of it, of people like Barney Frank.

Thumbs up, voted up and awesome. Very, very creative writing.

Shared this for you.


Marcuss profile image

Marcuss 5 years ago

I can hear that idiot saying this in my head. A step closer to the LWNJ utopia.


junkseller profile image

junkseller 5 years ago from Michigan Author

Thanks Frog Prince and Marcuss. Everytime I see that guy I start laughing now. Which is good because I usually need a little laugh if I am paying attention to Congress.

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