Are You An Insecure Person?

Have you ever been an insecure person, and what triggered you to be this way? I have always felt myself to be insecure, although over the years I have improved. I have a number of theories as to why we become insecure and would like to hear your thoughts on why you may believe that you, or a friend/family member became insecure, and if you/they managed to get over it.

Now I am far from an expert on dealing with insecurities, but can speak from my own experiences, and explain how and why I feel my insecurity etched itself into my whole personality.

I believe it began when I was very young, and having a very sick older Father (56 when I was born), who due to his illness could be completely irrational to live with. It quickly became obvious to me even as a very young child that my Father would always defend my older Sister in any row her and I might be having, even if he hadn't got a clue what the row was about. I became absolutely convinced my older Sister was the favourite in our family, and I was hurt and couldn't understand why this should be.

Years passed, and by the time I went to Secondary School I had grown into a well brought up 11 year old girl in spite of never getting on with my Father. Needless to say my first day at Secondary School was a real eye-opener for me, and having come from a family where swearing was unheard of, I was suddenly surrounded by children in my age group who swore every few words.To say this was a culture shock was an understatement. I never really did fit in at school, probably because of my upbringing, and I simply refused to swear, smoke underage, cheek teachers or skip lessons. I soon became an outcast, and was accused of being posh, a snob and a wimp (I was always very skinny). I was an easy target for bullying, not only by the children of my own age, but also by the older kids, and all in all my school years were a miserable affair, although I am proud to say I left with good qualifications and without having underage sex as most of my school-friends seemed to have done.

The problem with having gone through school surrounded by people who bullied me or teased me, was that when I left I was lacking in much self-confidence, and was easily intimidated. By this time my Father had died and although this had been a relief to a large degree, (believe me he a really bad tempered man), it still meant I had no Father figure type influence to look up to.

I then discovered a social life, and found a group of "Teddy Girls and Boys" (50's and 60's style Rock'n'Rollers), to hang out with. This was great at first, and I really began to enjoy myself, and then the problems began all over again. I discovered one of the Teddy Girls in our crowd was the same older girl who had bullied me at school a few years earlier. I don't know if she remembered me, but her personality hadn't changed, and I was soon being bullied by her again on occasion, only this time she beat me up several times. As I was not a large build, and had no clue about fighting, I ended up with black eyes and all sorts. My Mum was going spare at me, and I was a nervous wreck, but refused to stop going out in the evenings as I loved my dancing and my social life too much.

Things got worse when the lead singer of the band chatted me up, and as he was a man in his mid 30's when I was still a naïve virgin teenager, I fell for all his charm and had an affair with him. The guy was married, and although at the time I knew what I was doing was wrong, I was completely carried away by the fact this guy had paid me, yes me, attention. Of course things could only get worse then, and when the affair came out all hell broke loose, and I was bullied even more, plus he no longer wanted anything to do with me. I guess I saw him as some kind of Father figure to replace the fact I never really had a proper Father to look up to.

My family were disgusted with me, and suddenly I couldn't get on with them at all, so I moved out leaving my Mum and my Sister living in the house alone.

Finally, at the age of 18, after a failed suicide attempt, I decided I had been through enough, and I moved to the UK. This was a great idea at the time, but ultimately it didn't change the insecure person I had become, and I went on to a series of failed relationships, including three years with one man who hit me constantly and had got married to another girl whilst engaged to me, then carried on seeing me straight afterwards. By the time I finally ended the violent relationship I would flinch if anyone even moved suddenly around me, it was a natural reflex to avoid being hit.

I think on some subconscious level I must have begun to feel I didn't deserve a decent man, as virtually every man I got serious about after this went on to be unfaithful to me behind my back. My Mum always said I was 'a bad picker'.

Two other men in relationships hit me after the first one, but by this time I was becoming more angry about this kind of treatment, so hit them back. After losing the one decent man I found and married, to Bowel Cancer, I suffered terrible spite at the hands of his oldest Son (see my Hub: http://hubpages.com/hub/Bowel-Cancer-Stole-My-Husband-at-48-Years-Old ). I then decided it was time to go back to Guernsey to be near my family, at which point I met up with the original man who had been the lead singer in the band all those years ago.

I made the mistake of getting involved with him again, even though it was now 13 years later. He was now single, two marriages later, and he still had something that appealed to me. We moved to Tenerife, and then my life went steadily downhill again, (see my Hub: http://hubpages.com/hub/My-Ex-was-a-Control-Freak ).

He made my life a misery, and in the end we split up two and a half years later. He abandoned me in Tenerife, and left me virtually at the point of a nervous breakdown.

I eventually managed to get myself back to Guernsey some months later, but it was a shadow of the former me that arrived on my Mum and Step-Dad's doorstep.

Now over the three and a half years since I returned I have obviously managed to pull myself together largely, although I do still suffer from depression (See my Hub: http://hubpages.com/hub/How-to-Recognise-the-Symptoms-of-Depression ). The main problem I have is that I have been left such an insecure person, with a huge need to be liked and approved of.

I now find I am totally paranoid that people don't like me, or are angry with me. I always doubt my Husband will stay with me long term, or be faithful to me, even though he constantly tells me how much he loves me and how he wants to spend the rest of his life with me.

If someone says something nasty to me, or about me, I take it really personally, and end up with a cold pit of misery in my stomach for days afterwards. If a lie is told about me I can't rest until I feel the truth has been proven to the people who heard the lie, which is not always possible, so leaving me dwelling on the problem for months, or even years afterwards.

I carry a lot of bitterness around with me towards those who have hurt me, and again feel unable to move on unless they get their Karmic justice somewhere along the way and I hear about it.

I have trust issues, and avoid getting too close to friends in case they let me down or I lose them.

If I do inadvertently upset someone I feel awful, and cannot rest until the damage has been put right and we are 'friends' again.

I have a low opinion of myself, and feel like I have not made a success of my life and have little to show for it.

Dealing with my insecurities is never easy, and I am always battling with them. I have been helped by the fact I now have a very supportive Step-Father, and he has helped me immensely, and of course I have a loving Husband, but I doubt I will ever be the 'normal' secure and confident person I would like to be. I am a product of my own experiences, and I fear it is now too late for me to do anything other than live with this fact and cope with it as best I can.

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Comments 23 comments

Madison Parker profile image

Madison Parker 8 years ago from California

Wow, it took a lot of guts to write that piece. I'm glad you are doing well now! Writing is so therapeutic, don't you think?

At a tough time in my own life, I really think that writing was one of the things that helpd to pull me through.

Take care, Madison


mistyhorizon2003 profile image

mistyhorizon2003 8 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands) Author

Thanks Madison, yes I too find writing very theraputic and it has certainly helped me to cope with my problems. :)


Yvonne Mcdonough 8 years ago

aww misty (here's i agree with Madison it must have been hard, for you to write this, yet getting it all off your chest might make you feel better, Yes i too ive had bad times, i lost my husband to cancer 4 months ago , everyone had faults and also make mistakes, thet also have skills, qualities, that make up for this, you cant turn back the clock, but you can stand still in time and say i want things to be better for me, and look forward to it.


mistyhorizon2003 profile image

mistyhorizon2003 8 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands) Author

Oh Yvonne, thank you so much for commenting. I so know what you are going through having lost your Husband to Cancer, and please believe me when I say I can be here for you whenever you need me. This was the worst experience I have ever been through. Life can get better, but it can be hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel when these things have just happened. If you want to talk or confide in me please email me and I shall try to help.


Bard of Ely profile image

Bard of Ely 8 years ago from Lisbon, Portugal

Yes, Cindy, I would have to answer that I do suffer from insecurity in many ways and it holds me back! I am sure it is why I am not very successful in life in many ways. I am sure people may think that I am very confident but I am not at all and it depends what the subject is. Mostly if it's dealing with other people my insecurity would probably show. I am basically an extroverted introvert.

I know why I am like it too - its from being told I was no good when I was little. Although I know that, I still lack in confidence and feel insecure a lot of the time. I don't have problems with animals because they don't judge like people do.


AEvans profile image

AEvans 8 years ago from SomeWhere Out There

You are a beautiful person and I wish I could give you a big hug as you have so much to give and have gone through so much. I will pray for you as I have been to hell and back in my life too, but I overcame by learning how to love myself and it took years. Keep your head up and you will get through.:)


mistyhorizon2003 profile image

mistyhorizon2003 8 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands) Author

Thanks Steve, So often it is the people who seem the most confident that are hiding the biggest insecurities behind a shield of bravado. Like you I find animals the easiest to deal with, as they don't judge you.

Hi AEvans, thanks for these truly kind and sincere words. I hope one day I can learn to love myself, but it isn't always easy. In the meantime I just keep on plodding my way through life doing the best I can :)


aulakhgps profile image

aulakhgps 7 years ago from Victoria, Australia

I'm insecure about my future love life, partner, happiness, pleasant life, relayionship.................anybody help me by securing me to join as open relationship partner and or girl freiend........


LondonGirl profile image

LondonGirl 7 years ago from London

that must have been a hard one to write.


mistyhorizon2003 profile image

mistyhorizon2003 7 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands) Author

Yes it was LondonGirl, but also kind of liberating at the same time :)


LondonGirl profile image

LondonGirl 7 years ago from London

glad to hear it.


mistyhorizon2003 profile image

mistyhorizon2003 7 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands) Author

Thanks, I guess I will never change to being the person I would like to be, but I cope fairly well all things considered.


aulakhgps profile image

aulakhgps 7 years ago from Victoria, Australia

no,I'm secure person.


KOJO 7 years ago

Jesus makes the Difference. Trust me, problems of insecurity and low self worth cannot be overcome by will power and human prescriptions. You don't need people and things to make you bounce back... all you need is Jesus and His word. Spending time to know this wonderful man called Jesus can be a turning around for your life. All is not lost you can bounce back to be the confident and optimistic person that God originally made you. Your identity and self image is not defined by your society or past experience, they may have one influence or the other on us... but they are not who the real you are not a product of past hurts and negativity.... although they may have an influence on our responses to life...., you are a product of who God has regionally made you to be. So if you want the rest of your days to be the best of your days, why don't you give Christ the chance.. to come into your life, talk to Him about your hurts and surrender all your hurts to Him - 'let go off' every burden, hurts and disappointments unto God,,, He makes our burden lighter and He is willing to help if and only if you are willing to allow him into your life and you don't hold anything back.

why don't you begin the healing process by speaking to Him in all honesty,go into the Bible and seek answers and solutions concerning your situation, than when have done all these, seek strong support systems from Genuine and matured Christians to help you up in prayers and your walk with Christ Jesus.

Playing back the tape of your past hurts, is not the long term solution to the problem, it may be temporarily therapeutical but it is not the antidote to the problem....it may even rune the future

i believe You will come out of this situation stronger than you went in , but this will be possible if and only if you let it all hurts and past to JESUS. Go ahead and take this bold step of faith. i have been there before and Christ made a difference in my life.

i will be praying with you.


mistyhorizon2003 profile image

mistyhorizon2003 7 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands) Author

Thank you KOJO, I sincerely appreciate your prayers and appreciate your advice.


James 7 years ago

A really open and compelling story. You're a positive figure for all of us who suffer from insecurities in one form or another. Thank you.


mistyhorizon2003 profile image

mistyhorizon2003 7 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands) Author

Thank you James, I sincerely hope so, as at least some good comes of my problem that way, and it actually helps my personal confidence to hear that I am helping :)


guy 6 years ago

i'm a guy and I'm pretty insecure in the same way she is, but I've been through one stage of depressaion in my life and I feel it coming back, I'm only 15, what do I do?


mistyhorizon2003 profile image

mistyhorizon2003 6 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands) Author

Hi Guy, my youngest Step Son began to suffer from severe depression from an even younger age than you. He is now on tablets prescribed by Doctors and was allowed to leave school early because he refused to leave the house. He is better than he was, but Doctors are still inclined to feel the best thing he can do is spend time in a specialist clinic where the Doctors are specifically trained to deal with patients who suffer from this even at a young age. I would therefore suggest that you speak to your Doctor (who will keep everything you tell him confidential, even from your parents unless you give him permission to do otherwise), and tell him how you feel and see what he suggests in terms of referrals etc. Your best course of action initially is probably anti-depressants, but be aware you might need to take them for a couple of months before you notice any difference, and then you might feel the brand are not right for you so you might want to change to different brands until you find the right one for you.


Fluffy77 profile image

Fluffy77 5 years ago from Enterprise, OR

What a beautiful piece of writing to share, so glad you are doing well now and staying away from the bad dudes. I have had very similar problems, and I can't tell you how much I really just love being a single gal. My hopeless romantic heart still believes my true love is here somewhere though. Thanks again.


mistyhorizon2003 profile image

mistyhorizon2003 5 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands) Author

Thanks Fluffy, I am sure you will find true love one day, it usually turns up when you least expect it :)


dolly 4 years ago

this post has made me feel like i have someone else to relate to. I am having a really hard time in my life right now. I have had similar situations, with constantly being let down, by guys, friends, anyone i let close to me seems to hurt me. I just feel my reality is almost a little to much to deal with right now.


mistyhorizon2003 profile image

mistyhorizon2003 4 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands) Author

I am glad you found this helpful Dolly. I really hope things get better for you soon and you learn to believe in yourself and realise it is 'them' that have the problem, not you.

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