Benefits of Forgiveness

With forgiveness anything is possible
With forgiveness anything is possible | Source

Definitions of Forgiveness


I have been interested in forgiveness for many years, fascinated by how some people can forgive murderers, while others seem unable to forgive the smallest transgression. And just as there are many differing levels of forgiveness, so are there many different definitions of what it means to forgive.

Below are some ways people see forgiveness:


Which of the definitions opposite is closest to your view of forgiveness?

Which of the six definitions most accurately describes how you see forgiveness?

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  1. Telling the other person you have forgiven them – even though you still feel angry at what they have done.
  2. Believing you should forgive someone because your religion says this is the correct thing to do. Saying you have forgiven someone out of a sense of religious duty.
  3. Forgiving the person, but not the act. (For example, saying murder is wrong, but the person was “not in their right mind” so you forgive them.)
  4. Forgiving the person’s soul, but not condoning their action.
  5. Seeing what was originally considered an offence in new light – this could be realizing that there has been a misunderstanding, or it could be that now you now consider the original offence to be a gift that has brought new awareness or understanding.
  6. Letting go of past resentment and hurt and living life focused on the present.

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When is forgiveness appropriate?

Although you do not need to belong to any religion to forgive, most of the literature on forgiveness is by people of faith.

Again there are many differing opinions about whether forgiveness is even appropriate. Most Christians believe that Jesus says they should forgive others. Some people of the Jewish and Muslim faiths believe that forgiveness can only be granted if the offender repents. Yet others say that we cannot expect God’s forgiveness if we do not forgive.

Some people say that you can forgive anything that happened in the past, but should not forgive an offence that is ongoing.

In most religious contexts, the focus is on the ethical or moral aspects of forgiveness – whether forgiveness is right or wrong, whether or not someone needs to have repented for forgiveness to be granted, whether it is possible to forgive when the offence is ongoing, and whether it is even possible for humans to grant forgiveness. For example, Mary Fairchild, a Christian minister quotes Colossians: Forgive as the Lord forgave you, and Dr Muzammil Siddiqi, an Islamic scholar, cites this passage of the Quran as evidence for forgiving: whosoever forgives and makes amends, his reward is upon God.

Below, an Islamic leader explains the importance of forgiveness

Forgiving to Heal Ourselves

In several cases where people forgave the murderer of a close relative, they also talk of their religious belief that it was correct to forgive. If they are Christians, they often say that Jesus says we “should forgive.” Watching video clips of people who forgave murderers, I was struck by how in every case they also say that the weight of not forgiving and of harboring anger is too much of a burden to carry. In the video below, Walter Everett, a pastor whose son was murdered, says, “If I choose to focus my anger on Mike [his son’s killer] for the rest of my life, then he controls my life.”

He also asked himself: “Am I going to be continuing to live with the same kind of anger that these people have?”

This is also in line with the Buddhist way of thinking on forgiveness; that when we forgive we transform ourselves. Forgiveness is not seen so much as connected to goodness as a way of healing ourselves. The healing aspect of forgiveness has been extensively studied in recent years, and while some studies are still in their infancy, the overall consensus is that forgiveness is good for you.

This man is glad he forgave his son's killer

Some Benefits of Forgiveness

Emotional Benefits

Studies have found that forgiveness can lessen feelings of anxiety and depression. It improves ability to cope with stress and gives a feeling of being closer to others. People who forgive are overall happier and more satisfied with their lives than those who don’t.

Physical Benefits.

When we are tense and anxious our muscles contract. Some studies have found that when people forgive it lowers blood pressure and improves heart rate.

Warren Jones and Kathleen Lawler of the University of Tennessee conducted extensive studies, and although they caution that more research is needed, their findings suggest that forgiving does lead to better health.

Studies at the Luther University in Iowa, found that health of young people who were unforgiving did not appear to be affected, but by middle age the link between forgiveness and health becomes apparent. This is hardly surprising, since it’s likely that 20 years of a tension will affect a body more than 2 years would do.

From the film Invictus: Morgan Freeman as Nelson Mandela explains why forgiveness is freedom

Cancer and forgiveness

While randomized controlled studies are still few regarding cancer and forgivingness there are many, many anecdotes. These anecdotes almost all follow the same pattern – people who had previously held onto grudges and then forgave spontaneously healed. Dr Bernie Siegel, a former Yale Medical School surgeon is frequently quoted on this. He describes how 57 patients gave up resentments they had been holding because they wanted to make the most of what life they had left – and then their cancer disappeared.

I think it is very important to recognize that this does not mean people with cancer are less forgiving than other people. It could simply mean that this is how their bodies react to stress, and someone else's could react differently.

A study at Ohio State University found that in women with breast cancer who were highly stressed natural killer cells were less effective – these are the cells that detect and kill cancer cells. Since holding onto resentment is known to create stress, from this study some people conclude that forgiving could reduce cancer risk. The researchers, Barbara Andersen and Jeff Grabmeier do not make this claim, but do say,Psychological interventions may play an important role, not just in improving quality of life, but also improving the health of breast cancer patients.” Patients who were given training in relaxation and stress reduction showed better immune function after 18 weeks. They do not say the training was specifically in forgiveness, and the research is still ongoing.

Forgiveness brings us close again
Forgiveness brings us close again | Source

Forgiveness by Others

While being forgiven by someone else has a positive effect, researchers at the University of Michigan found that asking someone else for forgiveness actually brought more rather than less distress.

This doesn’t surprise me, because asking someone to forgive you means you are looking for a specific outcome, or wanting to control how the other person responds. Furthermore, if we ask for someone else’s forgiveness because we haven’t forgiven ourselves, what we are really doing is not saying sorry so much as seeking approval. If, on the other hand we have forgiven ourselves, whether someone else forgives us is entirely their concern and we can make amends without expecting anything in return. This strengthens us.

Source

Benefits of Self-Forgiveness

When reading about the benefit of forgiveness, you could easily start to believe that you should forgive and to feel angry with yourself for not doing so. But research suggests that blaming yourself is even more likely to lead to poor health than blaming others does. Further, forgiving others because you blame yourself is not true forgiveness. Both positions are simply two sides of the same coin, and when we blame ourselves it generally feels so unbearable that we then try to alleviate that by turning the blame back on others.

Although I am not aware of any formal studies into cancer and self-forgiveness, Lawrence LeShan is a psychologist who has worked with cancer patients for several decades and his conclusion is that cancer patients generally do not feel lovable as themselves. Colin Tipping, author of Radical Forgiveness, also cites self-hatred as a cause of cancer gives anecdotal evidence of clients who have forgiven themselves using his method and healed the disease.

Forgiveness or Forgivingness?

What several researchers have noted is that for forgiveness to be beneficial it needs to be at an emotional rather than thinking level. Saying, “I forgive you,” is not enough. It is the level of a person’s forgivingness – general capacity to let go of resentment and the desire for revenge – rather than forgiving individual incidents that is likely to lead to benefits.

An interesting way to approach forgiveness,

The Gentle Art of Blessing: A Simple Practice That Will Transform You and Your World
The Gentle Art of Blessing: A Simple Practice That Will Transform You and Your World

Pradervand draws inspiration from sources as diverse as the Bible and Taoism, and gives suggestions for how to bless the people in your life.

 

How Do You Forgive?

Let’s return to Walter Everett, the pastor who forgave his son’s murderer. What is particularly interesting about his story is that he spent a year filled with rage. Then, when he wrote a letter to his son’s killer, Mike Carlucci, he first of all described the toll the murder had had upon him and his family. Finally he wrote, “ I forgive you.”

This type of forgiveness is hugely different from simply saying, “I forgive you,” in an attempt to do what is “right.” For most people forgiveness is a process, and often begins with anger. For it to be real and lasting, forgiveness has to also include self-forgiveness, and that includes acknowledging your true feelings.

On the Forgiveness Project website there are many stories of people who forgave serious crimes against themselves or their loved ones. In every story I have read, the people first felt anger and hate. They acknowledged their hurt and in some cases, told the offender of it.

Colin Tipping, who runs seminars on forgiveness around the world, says that forgiveness comes “not from effort but from being open to experiencing it.”

So perhaps the willingness of many Christians to forgive because they think it is the right thing to do means they become open to experiencing it on a deeper level. If on the other hand they believe they deserve punishment for not forgiving, they are looking at life from blaming viewpoint, and so unlikely to be open to experiencing forgiveness, no matter how much they may think they should.

Is forgiveness a moral decision?

I’d like to return to the question of when forgiveness is “right.” While it’s easy to see why many people believe the offender should repent and change first, in fact, forgiveness is often what leads to the offender letting go of a defensive position and then feeling remorse. On the Forgiveness Project Rebecca DeMauro, whose daughter was murdered, describes how watching video clips of victims’ families confront a mass murderer led her to let go of her rage and resentment. As almost all the relatives told the murderer how much they hated him his face remained stony. Then one man said, “I forgive you.” The murderer began to weep. And Rebecca knew it was time to stop hating her daughter’s murderer too.

Mike Carlucci also talks of the how when he read Walter Everett’s words of forgiveness he started crying because no one had every said that to him before in his life.

Fortunately most of us do not have to deal with forgiving a murderer, but if this is the effect forgiveness has on murderers, it is not also likely to have a similar effect on those we feel resentment towards in our everyday lives? Certainly my experience has been that when I let go of resentment relationships improve beyond anything I could have imagined.

Finger pointing or forgiveness? Which is best?
Finger pointing or forgiveness? Which is best? | Source

The benefits of forgiving even while an offence is being committed

Several years ago Pierre Pradevand felt forced out of his job and carried persistent resentment towards the people he held responsible. He then realized that his life was miserable because of his resentment, and decided to bless the people he had previously hated. With sincerity, he wished for them fulfillment and happiness. He felt lighter and freer and went on write a book, The Gentle Art of Blessing and to teach this to people around the world.

On his travels people shared their stories of the outcomes of blessing. One of the most astonishing stories is that of a man in Rwanda, whose home was broken into by several attackers who threatened to kill his family. This man, at first felt fear and then decided to bless these attackers. Silently he blessed them, and within minutes their demeanor changed, they calmed down and hurt no one.

Marshall Rosenberg in the book, Nonviolent Communication: a Language of Life, relates several examples of people who expressed empathy with an attacker by reflecting what the person might be feeling or wanting. In each case the attacker gradually calmed down.

In one incident, a woman who worked in a night shelter told an addict no rooms were available, and he threatened her with a knife. She had attended workshops on how to listen for a person’s feelings and needs, so instead of arguing with this man, she let him know she understood that he was angry and wanted to be given a room. He responded by yelling that nobody respected him, and that even though he was an addict he deserved respect. As she focused on his feelings and needs, she came to see that the man was filled with despair and had no idea how to get what he needed. When he had received the empathy he needed he put down his knife and became reasonable.

Forgiveness As A Way Of Life

Forgiving means we are free to let go of the hurt, free to be more focused on what’s here now. Instead of looking at life in terms of “right and wrong,” we can start to see behaviors as attempts to get needs met. This enables us to feel more connected to the humanness within us all, rather than connected to the hurt. It is more peaceful and a more satisfying way to live.


Finally, What Forgiveness Is Not

Forgiveness is not giving in and allowing others to walk all over us. The woman in the night shelter forgave the addict as he attacked her, but she did not get hurt. The man in Rwanda blessed the intruders, but again, he and his family were unharmed. While forgiving someone it is important to ensure that our own needs are also met, and if appropriate this could mean going ahead with legal charges. Or, you could wish for someone to have happiness and fulfillment as Pierre Pradevand did, and choose to keep away from them until they are able to treat you with respect.

Forgiveness requires respect and love for ourselves as well as for the other person.

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Comments 28 comments

billybuc profile image

billybuc 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

Wise words here Yvonne! I learned this, finally, six years ago, although I have been told it many times. I move on now and live in the present; I have no time in my life for resentments or old wounds.


denise.w.anderson profile image

denise.w.anderson 4 years ago from Bismarck, North Dakota

Forgiveness is indeed a gift we can give to ourselves and others that aids in the healing process. My older brother's wife died of breast cancer, and he made a comment I did not understand until I read your article. He said that she harbored much resentment in her life, and that if he had been able to help her let it go, she might be here today. It took a long time for him to forgive himself after her death. Now that he has, he is at peace.


Joy56 profile image

Joy56 4 years ago

You put a lot into this hub, and i enjoyed every word...... I learned a lot from it too...


Jools99 profile image

Jools99 4 years ago from North-East UK

Yvonne, thought provoking hub which got me thinking about myself a little bit more than I would like :o) I think when things are still going on, it is sometimes hard to summon up enough goodness to forgive - retrospect is a wonderful thing....when it finally arrives but I can see the 'freedom' involved in forgiving - it is a letting go of something toxic and that is always a good thing.


ishwaryaa22 profile image

ishwaryaa22 4 years ago from Chennai, India

An awe-inspiring hub! After reading this hub, I became enlightened. Forgiveness is an ultimate key to a healthy and relaxed life. I am surprised to learn from this wise hub of yours that people forgave murderers! Just as you mentioned, learning how to forgive people helps in improving one's health, mind and life. Your examples are excellent in regard to this engaging topic. In my teens, I found it very hard in dealing with difficult people and forgiving them. With the regular practice of yoga and sound advice from my parents, I learnt to forgive people. In Hinduism, forgiveness is preached in the holy book of Bhagavad Gita. My friend learnt to forgive complicated people after reading this holy book. An eye-opening hub! Well-done!

Thanks for SHARING. Useful, Beautiful & Awesome. Voted up & Socially Shared


Melovy profile image

Melovy 4 years ago from UK Author

ishwaryaa22, thanks for your comment. Hinduism is the one major religion I know little about so I didn't include it in this. I will include the information you've given here in the hub.

I am truly inspired by the people who manage to forgive murderers. I think of myself as fairly forgiving, but I've never had to face anything so horrific.

How great that your parents gave you such good guidance. Thanks for sharing this.


Melovy profile image

Melovy 4 years ago from UK Author

Bill, I can relate to taking a while to get round to forgiving. I held onto resentments for a long time, and when I let them go, in some cases I realised my vision had been somewhat skewed!

Thanks for your comment.


Melovy profile image

Melovy 4 years ago from UK Author

Denise, I am glad this has helped you understand your brother and also glad he's managed to forgive himself, since that is every bit as toxic as not forgiving others. I am wary of drawing too many conclusions on this as the research is still in its infancy, but there does seem to be a link between mind and body that medicine cannot explain. Sadly, from what I've read, it also seems that some people have used this to suggest that people cancer are somehow less forgiving than others but this isn't necessarily the case - it could be that any illness is partly created by the hormone changes created by stress and in some people that illness is cancer.

Thanks for your thought provoking comment.


Melovy profile image

Melovy 4 years ago from UK Author

Joy56, thank you.


Melovy profile image

Melovy 4 years ago from UK Author

Jools, I can relate to what you say about it being challenging to forgive when things are ongoing - I think for me in the Rwandan man's situation fear would be the biggest hurdle.

Letting go of something toxic is a great way to describe forgiveness! Thanks for your comment.


tillsontitan profile image

tillsontitan 4 years ago from New York

Melovy this is a universal topic that everyone can relate to and understand. Denise (above) said it best, "forgiveness is a gift we give ourselves", how true for in forgiving others we lighten our hearts.

I voted this hub up, useful, and interesting. Also shared so others can learn from it as well.


mperrottet profile image

mperrottet 4 years ago from Pennsauken, NJ

I believe that forgiveness is central to happiness. I've seen so many people that are unable to forgive be filled with resentment and hostility. This is a great hub, voted up, interesting and useful. Well done.


fpherj48 profile image

fpherj48 4 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York

Melvoy, I am very moved by your hub. While I can and do echo many of the sentiments you put forth here, I ultimately come to my own personal conclusions on whether or not I am in the appropriate "place" to genuinely forgive. "Forgiveness," for the sake of simply stating the words, whether influenced by religious beliefs or not, is disingenuous, to say the least.

Although I work on this and put much thought, introspect & effort into the act of forgiveness......I freely admit, it is extremely difficult for me. In particular cases within my own personal experiences, quite frankly, I cannot even consider forgiveness an option. Whatever this may MEAN......so be it. It may be noteworthy that this attitude includes being able or willing to forgive myself.....and I am very self-critical.

Thank you for this well-written, in-depth look at forgiveness and all aspects and variations. This is most informative and I appreciate your sincere intention....................UP+++


JayeWisdom profile image

JayeWisdom 4 years ago from Deep South, USA

Holding on to a grudge can poison your life, especially if you continuously think about the wrong done to you. This causes your emotional wound to fester, but in no way punishes the wrongdoer.

It took me a long time to forgive someone who treated me very badly, but I felt better after that burden was lifted (and it was a burden). However, I will not allow that person to infringe on my life again. Forgiving someone does not require that you become a doormat.


Happyboomernurse profile image

Happyboomernurse 4 years ago from South Carolina

Thought-provoking article about forgiveness and I enjoyed the videos, especially the last one.

As a nurse, I've always been fascinated with the effect that forgiveness or ongoing hatred and revengeful feelings have on a person's health and well-being and you did a great job of presenting this issue.

There seems to be profound power in the act of forgiveness, both for the forgiver and the forgiven.

I agree with what you said in this quote: "For most people forgiveness is a process, and often begins with anger. For it to be real and lasting, forgiveness has to also include self-forgiveness, and that includes acknowledging your true feelings."

Voted up, useful, awesome and interesting.


KDuBarry03 4 years ago

Very wise and true words, Melovy. How can we move on in life if we always hold grudges and not forgive? Great religious leaders like the Buddha, Jesus Christ, and Guru Nanak Dev all spoke of forgiving others. To me, if you have the power to forgive, you have the power to do anything :)

Well done and great hub :)


Melovy profile image

Melovy 4 years ago from UK Author

tillsontitan, I agree - Denise's words do sum it up. Glad you enjoyed this and thanks for sharing.


Melovy profile image

Melovy 4 years ago from UK Author

mperrottet,

Yes, I agree with you that forgiveness is central to happiness. I feel so much better when I forgive, and also know people who are eaten alive with resentment and it causes them such pain. Thanks for your comment and the vote up!


Melovy profile image

Melovy 4 years ago from UK Author

fpherj48, nobody can force themselves to forgive. For some of us it takes time, and that's okay. I agree with you that just saying the words has no meaning, and the research bears this out.

Having said that, I do find that when I truly forgive someone else, it becomes easier to also forgive me.

Thanks very much for your extremely honest comment: I feel sure it will be helpful to others.


Melovy profile image

Melovy 4 years ago from UK Author

JayeWisdom, I agree with you that not forgiving punishes ourselves rather than the wrongdoer. What you write also echoes everything I read or watched from those who forgave murderers - that a burden was lifted. I also agree with you that forgiving someone does not mean you need to be a doormat or ever see that person again. It just means we are free.

Thanks for your comment.


Melovy profile image

Melovy 4 years ago from UK Author

Happyboomernurse, your comment is very interesting to me since you have worked as a nurse. I would love to see a hub from you on what you observed! I know that for myself, forgiving old resentments was a huge relief, and for me the process is ongoing.

I love your comment, "There seems to be profound power in the act of forgiveness, both for the forgiver and the forgiven." I was really quite surprised to hear about how forgiveness had such a profound effect on Mike Carlucci, yet as the incident in Rwanda shows there is something, perhaps an energy, that changes when we forgive. I know this really from what I've seen happen in my own life.

Thanks very much for your thoughtful comment.


Melovy profile image

Melovy 4 years ago from UK Author

KDuBarryo3, I agree with you 100% - the power to forgive does give us the power to do anything. It takes away fear.

Thanks for your comment and glad you enjoyed the hub.


RealHousewife profile image

RealHousewife 4 years ago from St. Louis, MO

Forgiveness is one of those fascinating processes. I find that anger takes a huge emotional toll on me. It takes a LOT of energy to be angry. I forgive people pretty easily or I just avoid them. Either way doesn't cause me a bunch of emotional turmoil, you know?

I am a huge employer of avoidance....I know. lol

You always write articles that keep me thinking! I always learn something when I really take time to focus:) UP++++ and all that!


Melovy profile image

Melovy 4 years ago from UK Author

Kelly, I feel the same about anger - it's exhausting. I think avoidance has its place: sometimes we need it for a while until we've worked things through. At least that's what I've found.

Glad this got you thinking and thanks for sharing those thoughts!! (And thanks for the up.)


pagesvoice profile image

pagesvoice 4 years ago from New York/Pennsylvania border

Voted up, awesome, useful and interesting. Your article covered all of the bases regarding forgiveness and the thought processes people may go through in letting go of past wrongs and resentments.

I selected #6 as the answer to your survey. Harboring feelings of anger and hate ultimately consume a person and changes their view of the world around them. Yes there are atrocities, inhumane acts on others and heinous crimes, but by and large we live in a beautiful world. I find that in order to live in an attitude of gratitude it is essential that I forgive myself and others who have hurt me in the past, so that I may progress with today and my plans for the future.

Thank you for this thought provoking Hub.


Melovy profile image

Melovy 4 years ago from UK Author

Pagesvoice, thank you very much for your comment. I agree with your view that overall we live in a beautiful world, and self-forgiveness and forgiveness of others is essential for our current well-being. It's not something we can force and it is probably a process that has many layers and that never really ends - we are constantly forgiving ourselves or others. When it comes it is sweet indeed.

Thank you for such a thoughtful comment.


manatita44 profile image

manatita44 2 years ago from london

Powerful topic and great Hub. I really like the idea that you chose Mandela and Desmond Tutu. Two truly great men! God bless you.


Melovy profile image

Melovy 2 years ago from UK Author

Thanks for your comment manatita44. Mandela and Tutu are so inspiring that I couldn't have missed them out!

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