Bipolar Diaries - If I Disappear Suddenly...

I wanted to do it for a very long time...


I always wanted to write my bipolar stories. But my problem (mmm, opportunity) is that when I feel well I don't feel motivated.

When I am normal (or rather "at level" as the "industry" term specifies), whatever that is supposed to mean, there are too many other wonderful or urgent things to do, that I don't have time to wallow in my bipolar nightmares. Later, I think. When I have time.

But I never have time.

When I am high, I am happy enough without admitting and broadcasting my condition. Saying "I'm sorry, folks, I am not quite adequate because I am slightly (slightly?) high" feels to me like saying "Hi, I am a criminal, and I am guilty and I should be ashamed."

So, the only time when I cannot read, cannot write, cannot concentrate... when I am low. And today felt like a horror story that I living again and again and again...


It was supposed to be a Special Day

***


Here we stand in desperation,

folding our arms in pride,

on the brink of separation,

at the threshold of a plight

...

~Boulat Okudzhava


It was supposed to be a special life...


Maybe I never had the courage. Maybe I had.


When I say, if I disappear suddenly, I did not mean - off the balcony - Goodbye! - even though I might feel that way.


What I meant, my computer might crash any minute now and I would disappear for a considerable amount of time without even saying - Good Bye!


And crashing does not mean its usual crashing from within - no, the top of my laptop is cracked. How about that? In the or at the height of my depression?


It is always supposed to be a special life and then it comes... Oops! moment - a crash.


A computer crashes...

A yellow Dragon goes face down...

A life worth living...



***

Here we stand in desperation,

folding our arms in pride,

on the brink of separation,

at the threshold of a plight

where clocks with measured paces

stick precisely to their course,

and we keep our smiling faces

under lock and key, like doors.

...

~Boulat Okudzhava

I have to admit this diary already went awry...


Bipolar nightmare to me is inability to see the world in a consistent way, tendency to lose concentration and indulge in a tangent thinking....


I don't care about what others think about me anymore - what is the point of worrying about that?


I stopped blaming others - not because they are perfect, but because I am so far from perfection that if I won't be able to forgive, how can I expect forgiveness and understanding from others?


My needs are simple. I need friends and I need anchors. Someone and/or something that will keep me going through the worst times.


Does it not go for everyone?


My anchor


My anchor is my son who might inherit this bloody thing, too.


He made me watch "Laughs or Gags" - something like that. And, unfortunately, his best laughter I missed - it was the "aha" moment - record it and come back to it... He had the same laughter when he was three months old and I never could get enough of it.


He got me through the day somehow...


In short, I completely failed to convey

the agony,

the pain,

the crying,

the desperation...


But you should read my real diary - it is such a mess...


Just like my room,

my life,

my everything.


Yet I have to make myself go

and this is my way of

talking to myself

I am not planning

to be famous

like a wimpy kid

I simply realize

what never is


You will crash, doctors or no doctors.

If you think that simply going to the doctor will cure your bipolar illness, think again.
If you think that simply going to the doctor will cure your bipolar illness, think again.

***


Here we stand in desperation,

folding our arms in pride,

on the brink of separation,

at the threshold of a plight

where clocks with measured paces

stick precisely to their course,

and we keep our smiling faces

under lock and key, like doors.

Days of reckoning are close, and

time has driven us to bay...

We are nailed to our crossroads

in a careless, slipshod way.


~Boulat Okudzhava


And yet I will never take the title and Crown


...of the Queen of Suffering


I am gladly grabbing the title of

the Queen of Narcissism

the Queen of Hearts

even though

Mike said that

she is such a card


But Queen of Suffering?


No!


No!


No!


There is no draft...


This is a photograph of a day...


a photograph of a mood..


done badly...


I veered from my original idea...


Yet, I have to stick to what I say precisely


at the moments, not after


the mood has changed


after I edited everything...


It stays...


if nobody is interested


I will find it logical


Who would be


maybe only I


one year later...


Reading in horror


Thinking


"What was I thinking?"


That mystery I have to capture...


How about a dance?


The words that I recognize in it (pain and to die)


So far, so good.


A THORN... and

A ROSE...


That is right...


A bipolar nightmare...


The BEAUTY... and ... the BEAST.


A thorn and a rose (Tony Del Monaco "Una Spina e Una Rosa")

A thorn and a rose

Tomorrow is a holiday1,
Tonight people go to bed late,
stay with me,
just now it would be a sin to part.

Let's danse again
as if it were the first time,
this love which must end
can't finish like this tonight.



Taken from http://lyricstranslate.com/en/una-spina-e-una-rosa-thorn-and-rose.html#ixzz3RDBogiVF

© 2012 kallini2010

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Comments 21 comments

catalystsnstars profile image

catalystsnstars 4 years ago from Land of Nod

I love this. It is a look inside my head at various intervals in my life. Fortunately this "diagnosis" I was settled into is a bit more controlled now. I think anyway, if you want to check out my hub, it mentions my anchor as well. I actually call her my savior. You keep on trucking, I believe we are the ones given the special accommodations, and it is a very very beautiful advantage if you choose to see it that way.


kallini2010 profile image

kallini2010 4 years ago from Toronto, Canada Author

Thank you, catalystsnstars, for your comment.

I do not see much beauty now - for a variety of reasons, but I agree that I have a privilege to experience life from different perspectives - just like some people are colour-blind, the normal lot is mood-blind.

Yes, they do experience mood swings - but it depends on the severity of a swing...

But it was not my aim to explain, just to start telling no matter how lame,

I cannot even believe I could do this little hub today - at some point in the day - I simply collapsed shivering...

I make no promises to you to read - because at the moment I cannot commit and it is one of the most painful things to me.

But there are no words that can express my gratitude that you were my reader - you know how lonely and misunderstood this journey is.

I keep making promises, to read, to write series - but more often than not - I do not keep them...

that is why...

As soon as I get better...

and thank you for becoming my follower, I will follow you as well.

Thank you,


Ghaelach 4 years ago

Morning Kallini.

I won't try to say I understand, I never will. But I know of your illness from another hubber and friend who has the same condition who's name is PrincessG. Her up's and downs are as you discribe. I did a bit of research about this illness to learn what this thing is controlling you (hope that sentence sounds OK).

People that don't have something out of the ordinary influencing their lives don't realise or notice the stress, the pain, the anxiety, the shame, the fear and so many more contributing factors that come with Bipolar.

Out side you look just like anyone else, the problem is other folks can't see inside and can`t see your pain.

I know these problems, as I have my own, and my heart goes out to you.

Take care Kallini and I hope this day is a good one for you.

LOL Ghaelach


Sunnie Day 4 years ago

Hello my friend,

I really loved Ghaelach's comment... such a warm heart and he said so much. No one can know how you feel unless we walk in your shoes and being the strange humans we are sometimes..may not recognize the signs to offer comfort..but we can continue to support you, love you, and be there for you through all your up's and down's. I am glad you wrote this..if anything just to release it..knowing you that is all you needed to do.Take care my friend.

Sending much love,

Sunnie


kallini2010 profile image

kallini2010 4 years ago from Toronto, Canada Author

Thank you, Ghaelach, for reading and leaving a comment.

Having a good day?

That was my feeling today - when I opened my eyes in the morning, the first feeling was "What is it?"

Then I remembered... and the next thought "What have I done?!!"

Maybe it is the hardest... never knowing what will hit you tomorrow...

Inconsistency, unpredictability,

Then I thought "I can always UN-publish..." - there was no need for radical honesty, yet...

I thought

that is precisely the reason I have done it - my mood, my mood determines the events, the course of my life, as if every day I am offered a different vehicle, not a car, but

today is a Magic Carpet

tomorrow - the cartwheel in the some Underworld

with no manuals.

Of course, "NORMAL" people will not stay with me if I am inconsistent.

Friendships I strike or may strike when i am high, I cannot maintain them when I am low..

OK, I'd better stop now - before I write another novel of mine...

I think even if I will have no readership - I owe it to myself - to go on with the diaries at least...

so, I can always go back and see...

Without this "article" - yesterday would seem to me different - I would "retouch" a memory to make LESS painful.

Creative reconstructing is what memory is.

How can we be radically honest if we cannot even rely on our own NORMAL brains to record events accurately?

There is no reality anyway, there is perception.

Thank you again - I cannot even say properly what I feel now. Low to next to nothing energy.

Yes, probably.


kallini2010 profile image

kallini2010 4 years ago from Toronto, Canada Author

Dear Sunnie:

I love you, too, whether you are here or not to read what I wrote. You are one of a kind (yes, I know just like all of us) and yet very different - you wrote my biography, you have sent me your book...

I was not able to repay your kindness - maybe because I have not as much...

I appreciate your words, your love, you - I know you are there and

I am happy to have met you.

Don't feel guilty - whether you know or don't - you cannot save the world - your love is needed at home.

I am lucky to a certain extent and not lucky to not have met the ONE - who can accept me for who I am, not to be discouraged and scared with my condition - which is not that bad at all - I am not the worst case. Far from it...

But as I said - maybe it was important to tell a story.

Thank you with all my heart,

Love & hugs,

Svetlana


Susan 4 years ago

thank you so much for putting yourself out there. As much as our writing helps us, I believe it reaches and helps more people than we can imagine. I, too, know the ups and downs and try very hard to remember the lows pass...not always successful. I have a nine year old daughter and I hope not to pass this on, but if I do, I am informed and know how to get help. Thanks again for sharing


kallini2010 profile image

kallini2010 4 years ago from Toronto, Canada Author

Dear Susan,

thank you for your comment. It is hard for me even this morning to see what i have done yesterday.

"How could I?"

Yet, it might be the only way - to place an anchor and a record -

maybe you are right - a lot of people recognize themselves or loved ones in that ugly mirror I put up out there

I wish you all the best with your journey, your health and especially your daughter.

It is tough for children to witness it - and it is so scary to me even to think of what my son might face.

To accept the diagnosis - one has to go through it to believe and to crash and smash everything that is dear around him or her (literally or more so figuratively speaking) - that is the path of learning

and yet

get up and continue to live and survive? or fight? or...

I do not have answers.

Only questions...


MartieCoetser profile image

MartieCoetser 4 years ago from South Africa

Svetlana, this is a perfect and excellent description of the down-phase of an INTELLIGENT person/woman suffering bipolar.

I am a couple of years longer on this planet than you. You are exactly like I was when I was in my thirties. Trust me, believe me, when I promise you that you will soon know how to be the manager of your disorder, and not its victim. You will ride your tides like a champion surfer, and you will achieve success while you are down as much as while you are up.

There are certain things one is not able to do when down or up. Determine your strengths in your different phases and practice them at the right time. Never expect of yourself to do something you know you are not able to do in your current mood. Leave the chaos when you are not in the mood to create order, and create order as if it is the last task of your life while you’re in the mood to do that. Remember, just a month or three ago you were in the create-order mood – but you could not finish all the projects you have loaded on your fork. So next time.... be realistic... know you mood may last a day, a week, a month... who knows?

Our cycles have the same movement as a pendulum – considering the lowest point as death. If we go very high, we WILL fall very low before we go up again to a height that will again cause an equal low. Play with a pendulum and see what I mean. Our heights and lows are in balance, but they are subjected to circumstances out of our control.

Do what you do do well, whether you are high or low. Cry when you want to cry the best you can - and you know I don’t mean only tears. We have our ways of crying without tears. And so goes for laughing, sleeping, living.....

This is what I can tell you, what I have learned. Through the years I have learned how to use and control my exhausting moods to my own benefit and most of the time without medication. (But yes, believe me there come times I do need anti-depressants and mood stabilizers,) But I’ve learned how to use my senses to trigger the release of chemicals in the brain – the natural stabilizers....

You are doing well, though you are wasting too much energy fighting your disorder instead of making it your friend.

Your pictures and videos are awesome in here!

You know I am here, always, to be your friend.


kallini2010 profile image

kallini2010 4 years ago from Toronto, Canada Author

Martie - you are a true friend and I miss you knowing that in you I found someone like me and someone to be by my side...

There was a girl with whom I could not maintain a relationship for a variety of reasons, but she was very kind, very understanding and she always kept reminding me "Help is (I am) only a phone call away..."

What you said - you said well and I do believe you, I do trust you - that someday I will be on top of my condition, not on the bottom...

I do not fight the disease - I have no energy for that - it is the financial situation that might force me into something I don't want to do - is to sell my condo (our condo) and that thought ....

Basically the worst part is - I HAVE to act when I can't.

The only person I cannot forgive and accept is myself (that might qualify as "fighting the condition")

Ok, last thought

I have to be realistic.

Maybe selling will buy me time before I can manage...

But without opening up and writing and creating and riding the Mood Waves - I would not have met you.

I don't want to deny myself meeting the right people by pretending to be normal.

I am anything but.

Love you, Martie, and I hope to meet you sooner than later.


Chatkath profile image

Chatkath 4 years ago from California

My friend Svetlana- It seems like forever since I have enjoyed your wit, humor and honesty!

I have always tried to understand as much as I could about "bi-polar" afflictions simply because I don't think I have ever felt "normal" (whatever that means;-) and have been analyzing myself forever. Your hub intrigues me and I have felt so many of the same things...You are so bright and creative that you become restless.

Ah yes, and then there is your son, who grounds you, frustrates you and loves you unconditionally, even if he may have trouble expressing how he feels!

You will be alright - I have so much faith in you and I understand your words, thank you for sharing them as you have.

We will talk soon! I wish you all the best!!


kallini2010 profile image

kallini2010 4 years ago from Toronto, Canada Author

Dear Kathy -

there is not much I can say now - I cannot even continue - the Diaries until...

but what kills me - all people who know me from the outside - believe in me

yet, i do not deliver.

So, let me take this day

one breath at a time...


SopranoRocks profile image

SopranoRocks 4 years ago from Upper Peninsula, Michigan, USA

This HUB moved me so much I read it twice. The first section had me in awe as that is exactly how I feel.

I always want to do so much in life but years just tick by without so much as a real effort. My creativity seems to dwell within my depression and when I feel "good" or manic, I want to enjoy every second of it, starting many "great" ventures and trying to cram all I want to accomplish in life into these breaks from darkness. But because that is an obviously unrealistic and overwhelming goal, I fail repeatedly, leaving ideas and attempts strewn unfinished like once strong bodies scattered on an abandoned battlefield. It feels I am repeatedly banging my idea-filled head against the wall of failure. I have great talents, especially in writing and singing. I want to delve into these with all of my being but because I know depression is coming back again and again, I seem to never have the time. I joined HUB because I do have a lot to say but the motivation seems entangled with time, discouragement, and illness. Even now, as I read back my entry here, I see scattered thoughts of solid ideas I so wish to portray. I am nearly 35; I need to find a way to focus and be who I was meant to be or I will never realize my true potential.

"If we all did the things we are capable of doing, we would literally astound ourselves." (Thomas Edison)

How does one move past this? Will we ever know?


kallini2010 profile image

kallini2010 4 years ago from Toronto, Canada Author

Dear SopranoRocks

your comment makes perfect sense and even though it would be ridiculous to say "I know how you feel" (how can i KNOW when we are all different?),

but I can put my signature under every word of yours.

How to move past this?

I started moving - not necessarily moving, but making myself go even if I feel I simply cannot.

For how long?

All two or three days after I wrote this.

If I ever succeed, I will share the WISDOM.

Until then I will simply go the way I can.

Maybe sharing in a form of an article?

Now, unfortunately I do not have time - I decided to concentrate and spend my lack of energy on the most important thing.

But thank you, thank you for your comment and keep your head up if you can, my best wishes for you...

I woke up in the morning today and found a song a friend sent to me - saying "This is so you" -

maybe you will like, too

Joe Dolan - Lady in Blue

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedd...

Take care,


wani 4 years ago

hey, im wani from malaysia. sorry, i copied this for my blog. i feel same as you. be strong!


kallini2010 profile image

kallini2010 4 years ago from Toronto, Canada Author

Wani, you cannot (should not) copy anything without reference to the author.

If you feel the same words, surely, you can express your feelings in your own words.

We don't own the words, only their combinations.


loveofnight profile image

loveofnight 4 years ago from Baltimore, Maryland

A good read indeed, worthy of me coming back to re-ingest.


kallini2010 profile image

kallini2010 4 years ago from Toronto, Canada Author

Thank you, loveofnight, for reading and leaving a comment. Maybe if I ever sum up my courage, I will write my real bipolar diaries. It's embarrassing to bare one's soul, but on the other hand without letting go of pain it is hard to let go of shame either.


SaritaJBonita profile image

SaritaJBonita 4 years ago from Upstate New York

The photographs in your hub are hauntingly beautiful... and I can so totally relate to them, and to your post. Are the portraits yours? Are they self-portraits?


kallini2010 profile image

kallini2010 4 years ago from Toronto, Canada Author

Thank you, SaritaJBonita, for your comment.

No, photographs are not mine. The reason I don't mention where I found them is simple, I use one site for COLLECTING photographs, but if I quote that web-site which is a source for me, HubPages will accuse me of advertising and promoting that web-site. But that is where I take them from.

I cannot go trough the whole internet looking for pictures, it would be insane. And correctly quoting the sources - I looked up the rules - they seem difficult and confusing.

But as you agreed, pictures provide the point of emotional bonding. You and I can endlessly talk about bipolar, but a single photograph create so much emotional pain that without it, the hub will be a pointless whining. A whining never understood not only by those who never experienced or even heard of bipolar nor by those who suffer from it or watch their loved ones suffering.

They are right when they say - a picture is worth a thousand words. Sometimes, just looking at it gives me a relief. But that is me, I am very visual. Pictures and music... words take the minor part.

Thank you very much for reading, I do appreciate it!


peachpurple profile image

peachpurple 2 years ago from Home Sweet Home

sorry, i don't know much about bipolar but it did hit mr robin williams

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